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Stuck in limbo...

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Old 09-16-2013, 12:00 PM   #1
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Default Stuck in limbo...

Last night my boyfriend and I were talking about our relationship... this is something that doesn't come particularly easy for either of us. So these conversations are always awkward. We have been together 14 months. We don't live together. We actually live an hour away from each other and only see each other on the weekends.

This whole conversation started because people we know keep asking us why we haven't made plans to move in together. Right now living apart works well for us. I admit that sometimes I wish we lived together, but at times I'm also glad we don't. I have been thinking about moving to his city though, not just to be closer to him, but also for better job opportunities, etc. I have a few good friends who live there, and pretty much all my friends in this town have moved away, so I don't have much of a support system here anymore. We were talking about that last night too.

He told me it would be a big step just moving closer to each other.

I told him it's so hard to tell where I stand with him exactly, because he is so hard to read and emotionally guarded. He doesn't express himself at all. He told me he feels bad about keeping me in limbo.

I told him I loved him nine months in, he still has never said it back. For a while his big thing was "I was with my ex for three years and only told her I loved her like three times, and the first time was after over a year together." I could accept that. He just doesn't like saying it, fine.

But now that we've been together over a year and he still hasn't said it I have started to wonder.

But, we are really happy together. This is honestly the best relationship I've ever been in. I've been cheated on a lot, and controlled a lot. I've been dumped for other people a couple times... my history is awful. It's just been one heartache after another. Now I have someone who treats me like I want to be treated. Our sex life is great, we make each other laugh, we have a lot in common, etc.

So basically, last night I just decided to ask the question outright. "DO you love me?" I was pretty confident in a yes. Because I really thought he did and just didn't like saying it. HIs answer: "I don't know."

I keep trying to tell myself actions speak louder then words, and he certainly acts like a man in love. But I am honestly devastated that after over a year together he still doesn't know.

He went on to tell me that when him and his ex broke up he wasn't even that heartbroken about it, so after losing her he wondered if he ever even loved her in the first place. So now he said he has a "complex" about telling me he loves me and wants to be sure without a doubt before he says it. Ok... so I'm supposed to just hang around in limbo until he decides?

I am not sure what to do here. This is such a good relationship, and I don't want to end it over something as trivial as words. But at the same time I don't feel like it's fair to me to stay in it and wait around either.

Last night I started crying right in front of him after he told me this... He hugged me tight and comforted me. We laid on my bed and cuddled. He told me that he likes things between us and wants this to continue, which I can agree with. But at the same time it's so hard loving someone who doesn't even know if he loves me back.

I have no idea what to do... am I making too big a deal about it? I had a hard time sleeping last night over this... Now he is in my bed sleeping and I am out here typing this and crying my eyes out. This suck...
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Old 09-16-2013, 12:15 PM   #2
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No, you are NOT making too big a deal of this.

This man is emotionally unavailable, and will likely always be that way. Is that the life you want?

I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me I am 100% confident in what I would do. I would walk away. He sounds like a great friend, and a terrible SO. I would say I'm sorry, but I cannot waste my life on a maybe, I deserve so much more than that. I am worth more than "I don't know," more than "lets wait and see."

Honey, after a year if he can't say he loves you, he either doesn't love you, or can't love you. (Maybe he just can't love anyone.)

ETA: Also, since you mention that you have a weak support system, PLEASE do not fall into the idea that "having him is better than having no one." That is not true. And do not let yourself believe (like so many of us who are overweight do) that it'll be difficult or impossible to find a new love. You have value, and you are a prize. Seriously, read and reread that last sentence. You are a prize. There is a man out there who WILL love you, and will get up everyday thinking about how lucky he is to have you to love. Don't give that up for the luke warm uncommitted relationship you have now. It's not worth it.
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Old 09-16-2013, 01:15 PM   #3
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I wish I wouldn't have even asked the question... I only did because because based on how he acts and the time we've been together I was sure he would tell me yes, not I don't know.
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Old 09-16-2013, 01:22 PM   #4
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No, you did the right thing, only you waited too long to do it IMO. Now you know. "I don't know" is as good as "No."

Clearly he enjoys your company and you make good friends. He's not a bad person. He's just not relationship material. You've given this guy more than a year of your life. You've made your stand, you've put your all into building a relationship. It's not working. This is hurting you, as it would hurt most people. Life is so, so short. Do not waste more time on someone who can't love you the way you deserve. There really is someone out there looking for you right now, who will love you fully and in the way you deserve to be loved.
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Old 09-16-2013, 02:03 PM   #5
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Clearly he enjoys your company and you make good friends. He's not a bad person. He's just not relationship material. You've given this guy more than a year of your life. You've made your stand, you've put your all into building a relationship. It's not working. This is hurting you, as it would hurt most people. Life is so, so short. Do not waste more time on someone who can't love you the way you deserve. There really is someone out there looking for you right now, who will love you fully and in the way you deserve to be loved.

Truer words were never spoken. I've kissed a lot of frogs, even a few frogs that looked like princes over the years. When you find your prince, you will not have to ask if he loves you. I'm really sorry about your situation. No one here can tell you what to do. You will have to ask yourself whether what you have now is enough. I don't see things changing for you. If it's not enough, moving on sooner rather than later is a wise but scary choice. Hugs.
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:14 PM   #6
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In two weeks we are taking a trip out of state to a mutual friend's wedding. I'm thinking of telling him I want to take a break after that. Maybe some time apart might do us good... idk.
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:27 PM   #7
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on one hand he's being honest...would you rather have him say "I love you" and not really
on the other hand its been over a year and how long are you going to wait for that next step
just make sure if you move to HIS city you aren't just moving for him, because if you broke up you'd be stuck
its a toughy (((Hug)))
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:33 PM   #8
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There is a lot of good advice here. I'm so sorry that happened.
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Old 09-16-2013, 03:47 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazeGypsy View Post
In two weeks we are taking a trip out of state to a mutual friend's wedding. I'm thinking of telling him I want to take a break after that. Maybe some time apart might do us good... idk.
That sounds an awful lot like pulling off the bandage slowly, but if that is what you need to do, then do it. The important thing is that you understand that there IS a better relationship out there for you, with someone who won't withhold love. You get to decide how long you wait to start down that path, no one else.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:20 PM   #10
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:25 PM   #11
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I have no advice. I can give you two anecdotes.

Before I met my DH, I dated a guy for a year and a half. Our relationship felt perfect to me- we had tons in common, had lots of fun together, the bedroom scene was great, he had two kids I adored. I was in love with him. But- he told me up front he wasn't going to fall in love because he was military and would be going for training that would last over a year. I just assumed he was being cautious, and continued on with the relationship. Well, long story short, he never did fall in love. I won't say I wasted my time with him, because the relationship was valuable in other ways- I learned a lot- but it wasn't headed towards the white picket fence like I thought.

A friend of mine after her divorce started dating a guy that also told her he could not fall in love. Not would not, but could not. My red-flat-o-meter went into the danger zone, because it reminded me so much of what had happened to me with the aforementioned guy. Long story short, she dated the guy for 3 years. He never told her he loved her, and in the end he dropped her almost overnight because "he wasn't in a good place for a relationship".

Now you don't say that your BF ever said he couldn't or wouldn't fall in love. But it might not be a bad idea to ask him where he sees this going. And then LISTEN to him. I think guys are more honest than a lot of women assume. If I had simply listened to the guy that told me he would not fall in love, then I wouldn't have been so broken hearted when he didn't. And if my friend had only listened, she too would have saved herself a broken heart.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:17 PM   #12
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But it might not be a bad idea to ask him where he sees this going. And then LISTEN to him. I think guys are more honest than a lot of women assume. If I had simply listened to the guy that told me he would not fall in love, then I wouldn't have been so broken hearted when he didn't. And if my friend had only listened, she too would have saved herself a broken heart.
This is a good idea, and I'll add that you should remain calm and avoid tears because men will sometimes panic and start to lie when confronted with tears. They don't know how to handle it.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:29 PM   #13
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Know yourself. Listen to yourself. Carefully. If you have to ask him the question, then you must already know the answer - even if you say you thought the answer was yes. You simply wanted to be wrong.

But you were right. Deep down, you're brilliant for knowing. Your radar was strong.

Personally, I want a man to be gaga over me. I want him to get excited to call me. I want him to drop everything to plan our time together. I AM worth that much. The sad thing is I never knew it until my husband had to show me. What a waste of so many years, not to mention embarrassment and shame, and a loss of friends as a result.

Take a good look at you. This isn't just about your relationship with him. It's a lot more about your relationship with you.
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Old 09-16-2013, 06:42 PM   #14
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I dated a guy like that. He wanted to go out with me but he kept himself emotionally at arms length. I paid close attention to the cues he was sending me and did not get emotionally or physically involved. I suspected that he was stringing me along until someone better was available for him. I was right.

After I broke up with him, I found out that he was seeing a few other
women at the same time. The next guy I dated turned out to be my DH. The way my DH treated me was 100% better. He and I absolutely connected. There was no game playing or holding back.

The first guy was "just not that into me". My DH is.

You deserve better and when you find it, you will know it.

I know this is hard so I am sending you big hugs.
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Old 09-16-2013, 07:03 PM   #15
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I agree with what everyone else has said. If a man loves you, you don't have to ask. And someone acting like they care about you is NOT the same as loving you. I had to beat my husband back with a stick when we first started dating. He was saying he loved me way before I was even ready to say it (it was only a few months in and I wanted to be a bit cautious, he's not the cautious type lol). You deserve a man who really loves you, who knows that he wants you, and that you don't have to wait years for him to decide how he feels about you (and to tell you about it!).
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