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advice-- re: long distance relationships

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Old 07-29-2013, 11:50 PM   #1
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Unhappy advice-- re: long distance relationships

So, I'm looking for advice/insight regarding long distance relationships. Specifically ones where they started out as long distance from the beginning, not someone moved away, tho I'd still value any insight you may have too.

Here's the deal. I feel like I'm in some sort of sick comedy. I'm 28 and never dated. I've always been the "fat weird girl". Was a band geek all through out school and then just kind of morphed into the akward person I am now... but somehow I have recently met someone who is quite awesome. He's quirky and sarcastic yet thoughtful. He currently lives 3 hours away and I went and met up with him this past weekend. Had a good time, we both wish it had lasted longer and had been alone instead of the setting we were in but still good... and now he's leaving. Moving, temporarily, to the Virgin Islands and then Brazil with his job and will likely be gone for the better part of the next 2-3 years. I'm crushed. He keeps texting me how much the timing of all this sucks and I'm caught so off guard that I don't even know how to react.

I'm still planning on continuing to get to know him regardless of where he is. If nothing else, a friendship can be formed. I'm just curious if anyone out there is in a similar situation.. or maybe you met online and are in a relationship regardless of the distance. Just trying to get a realistic idea of how (if at all) this could work.

Update!!!: While at work, I received a text from him telling me I should call him later. Pulled my guts together, made the call the second I left work and he's turned down the job offer. I'm in utter disbelief. I feel like I'm about to go on an adventure that I've never been on before. Still trying to stay grounded and tell myself "whatever will be will be". We'll see how it goes. :-D
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Old 07-29-2013, 11:59 PM   #2
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I met my children's father online many years ago. We talked as friends for years and then ended up falling in love. I moved down south to be with him. They day I walked off that plane and moved in with him was the first time I ever met him. Sounds crazy. We were together for four years.
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Old 07-30-2013, 12:06 AM   #3
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I met my now-DH over the internet, in a social gathering place for Alaskans to chat (not a dating site)....we talked online and then over the phone and after about a year of that, he came up north and moved in with me....just the previous poster, the day he got off the ferry to move in with me was the first time I ever met him in person LOL....he lived with me for about 9 months and then I quit my job, gave up my mobile home (to my ex husband) and moved with him to his hometown down here in Juneau....i'd never been on a ferry before, or been to Juneau before...nor did we have a place to live or jobs lined up...but it worked out well for us we've been together now for about 10 1/2 years, all settled here in Juneau with kids, a home, good jobs etc

on the other hand, if he hadn't decided to come north to be with me i'm not sure I would have continued to be in a long distance relationship with him...I think personally that it's just way too hard to do
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Old 07-30-2013, 12:37 AM   #4
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My husband and I met online. We were guildmates in an MMO. He lived just East of St. Louis, and I was in Southwestern Ontario (1 1/2 hour plane ride, or 12 hour drive). We were long distance for 3 and 1/2 years, and got married in May of last year. It can work, but it takes effort on both sides. Skype and text messages help a great deal.
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:21 AM   #5
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having someone away for 2-3 years sounds rough, I'm guessing there would be minimal plans to see eachother during that time?

My experience with long term relationship was fairly short. My husband and I worked together, he moved away and then somehow we started dating a few months after that. We talked on the phone for hours every night, we saw eachother every 2-3 weeks or so and we were able to communicate during the day at work. At month 3, we decided to move to be together. He got a job in same company but neighboring state and I was able to transfer my job to the same location as him (relatively - 10 miles apart). We moved in together at month 5 of dating and have been together ever since (8 years).
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:13 AM   #6
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My husband and I knew each other as teenagers but moved to different cities after highschool. We ended up running into each other in our home town a few years later and began dating. We dated from different cities for about a year and then I moved to where he lived and we've been together for the last 6 years.

My brother met his wife online. He lived in Canada and she lived in the southern states, they continued their long distance relationship for 4 or 5 years, visiting each other once a year or so. They eventually got married and he moved down there 2 years ago.
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:47 AM   #7
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Thanks ladies. I still have no idea what will end up happening but my brain was reeling last night and had no one with any sort of experience woth something like this.

Nelie: yeah. He's committed to 2 years and then he chooses. I believe the company pays for visits home every 3 months so it definately wouldn't be an easy road.

I can't help but to think he was put into my life for a reason. I over analyze everything and my biggest problem at the moment is I'm trying to figure out what that reason is instead of sitting back and letting whatever is supposed to happen happen. "Whatever will be will be." I plan on telling him that and just letting whatever turns out be.
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Old 07-30-2013, 11:15 AM   #8
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I met my DBF online through a running forum. I live in Wisconsin and he lives in Philadelphia. We knew each other online for many years as friends, but started talking more after I broke up with my ex. Chatting on Facebook turned into daily texting and phone calls for almost a year. We met in person for the first time back in December because he had to drive to Colorado and it all took off from there.

We fly out to see each other (alternating who flies) every 1-2 months for a long weekend. We talk every day and Skype a few times a week. So far it's working. Is it easy? No. Is it ideal? No. But we care enough to put in the effort.

In your scenario, visits home every 3 months + phone calls + Skyping could be totally doable. It just depends on how committed you both are. You can make it work if you want to make it work.
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Old 07-30-2013, 11:24 AM   #9
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I think the other aspect is really how committed you are to the relationship. I mean, what happens if you happen to meet someone? Are you guys going to be friends/potentials and seeing where things go? Or are you going to be committed?

In your situation, I'd be less likely to be totally committed and see where the friendship goes but you both have to understand that is where you are at if that is what you choose.
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Old 07-30-2013, 12:06 PM   #10
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I was in a long-distance relationship for 3 years with a guy who I met on stumbleupon. We agreed early on that he would get a job and move to my city (about 8 hours away), because he rented and I owned. After three years, the new job never came and we basically fizzled out.

I like your idea that you two can get to know each other over the next two years, and decide when his 2-year stint is over. Maybe you can find a way to visit him at his new exotic locale??
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Old 07-30-2013, 12:31 PM   #11
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When DH and I met (at a social group's convention), we lived 6 hours apart. We dated long distance for 3 years, seeing each other every 3 weeks or so, and then he moved here and we got married. We made a very conscious effort to spend our time together getting to know each other--not just "being in love".

We've been married 7 years now and haven't had any real personality "surprises", which I think is the biggest risk of committing after a short relationship or dating long distance and treating time together as a vacation.
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Old 07-30-2013, 10:13 PM   #12
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Updated original post and I'm so greatful for the advice and can I just say that I'm BEAMING right now.
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Old 07-30-2013, 10:49 PM   #13
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Yowza! Sounds great! I'm happy for you!
My advice was going to be this: I dated a British man for a few years and what I found that the distance did was help me construct this man who really wasn't. I would be surprised if he acted like a jerk, but I'd imagined him to be the sort of person he wasn't. Kind of sad. Actually maybe that was my issue and not the distance. Or maybe both. Anyways the problem seems to be resolved. So do that happy dance!
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Old 08-03-2013, 07:07 PM   #14
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I met my fiance on World of Warcraft in 2008, and our friendship slowly grew. In 2010, I asked him out, online. He lived in Nevada, and I lived in Florida (at the time). Nine months after we started our online relationship, we met for the weekend.

He had flown out from Nevada to spend the weekend with me in West Virginia (where I had moved shortly after he agreed to be my online boyfriend). The moment we held hands, it was like an electric current was running through us. It felt like magic, and it felt right! Funny enough, when he was getting ready to board the plane we kissed for the first time, and it was a complete mess. We were both so nervous, it was hilarious.

Four months later I flew out to be with him and while visiting Nevada, I said I would be the one to make the big move. Here I am, three years after our relationship took off, and I am planning my wedding.

Long distance is not always easy, and the time apart may drive you batty at times. Just hold tight, and let whatever happens, happen. If it's meant to be, it will be.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:28 AM   #15
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I met my husband online when we were young. We were friends for years, but I always had an interest in him. We didn't speak all the time for situational reasons, but about 7 years ago we started chatting again and started dating online. He flew to meet me about 3-4 months into the online dating and we lived together down south for about 10 months. We then moved up north and have been been married for 4 years now.

I'm happy for you and hope everything works out for you two! It can be done!
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