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long time lurker finally posting! (fyi very personal questions)

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Old 07-23-2013, 12:11 AM   #1
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Default long time lurker finally posting! (fyi very personal questions)

Hey guys!

I've been browsing 3fc for many years, finally got around to joining it Sorry if this is posted in the wrong area!

Lately I've been feeling very down because of my weight but more so in the case that I feel like I don't have a boyfriend/any love interests because of it.

I'm 26 years old, haven't had a relationship in the last 10 years, and I don't think I'm ugly or have any issues like that (putting myself down etc) but since i've starting working towards losing weight, I feel like it's the reason ive been single in so long.

I'm also scared, scared if this guy comes around that I will be very backwards about everything because I haven't had a boyfriend in ages, I don't know why I'm thinking about all these things when I don't even have anyone at the moment but it does scare me.

Not sure what has come over me lately, but I've just been feeling lonely I guess! I have a great job (makeup industry) which I love so much! and I finally feel like I'm happy with my work life but I wish I could go on fun dates like the rest of my friends.

Just wanted to see if anyone else has ever had these concerns? How do you make them go away?!

I have had people recommend online dating, and I'm a little turned off to the idea, just because the week i was on it, all these dudes just wanted one night stands, which I am NOT about. sigh. so much harder than it looks! and I don't think I'm a bad looking girl, yeah I got a few lbs but I have a good personality and I took care of myself, at least i like to think i do! lol

Anyway, sorry for the novel guys! Really excited about being a part of this great community! Would love to hear any advice you guys have =) Btw I wanted to ask advice on here but didn't know if it would be TMI and get banned. They are 100% honest concerns I have about certain issues (sex and related to weight) but i didn't know if I would get banned so I thought I would leave it for a different thread.

Ok I'm going to stop typing now! thank you for listening to me 3fc!
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Old 07-23-2013, 06:32 AM   #2
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Which online dating site(s) were you on? Depending upon your area, some are more hook-up sites than others. I had great luck with OKCupid, but in other areas, I guess it is not the best place to find someone. Pay sites are usually better at weeding out the creeps than the free sites.

So, I guess my recommendation is to not give up on online dating yet. I totally understand the fear. I did not date for over ten years and I was SO scared to start. You just have to go for it.

Also, I'm not sure if you like to dance, but see if there are any contra dances in your area. Contra dancing is sort of like a mix between line and square dancing, but you dance with different partners within EACH dance. You definitely do not need to bring a partner and in fact, they discourage people from dancing with the same person more than once or twice in a night. It is a great way to socialize with all sorts of people of all ages. AND dances change so everyone is learning a dance at the same time, so if you are worried that you won't know what to do, no worries, as no one knows at the start (they do a walk through before the music starts for each dance). It is a lot of fun and a great way to meet people.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:13 AM   #3
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Well don't give up on dating. It will sometimes be scary but push yourself to do it.

I met my husband 4 years ago via the internet. He knew up front that I was heavy. We talked on the phone for hours and hours at a time before we met. When it came time to meet I was scared but I did it.

Fast forward a couple years later and I told him I had been scared, especially when it came to being intimate and getting naked. He told me that most men are just thrilled that a woman would get intimate and naked with them and did not focus on the woman's flaws.

You are worthy of dating, you are worthy of having a good man that treats you right.

When you do find a guy: Set boundaries early that you will not permit name calling EVER. My husband and I do not call each other names when we argue, not even "jerk", its just not allowed and its great. Especially in this day and age where people refer to their SO as "a-hole" or "b!tch".
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:12 PM   #4
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I don't have any advice, as I have yet to master dating issues myself. But I feel where you are coming from. I've also been single for quite some time and feel like I'm just waiting to be thin... which is such a long way off. OKcupid definitely seems to have a lot of guys looking for a hook up. I suppose it's possible to weed them all out and find a good one (my friend met her husband on OKC), but I've not actually dated anyone from there. I have a match account, but just the free one, which is kind of pointless. I think I just create the profiles because I feel like a SHOULD date. And I would like to meet someone, but when the time comes to be proactive about it, I chicken out.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:27 PM   #5
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Okcupid is known for being just for hookups. Basically free sex. Harmony is good. Match is great.
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:48 PM   #6
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I just checked my OKC and found I have a message that says "I'd like to play ur ear" I don't even know what that MEANS! lol
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:20 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aclai4067 View Post
I just checked my OKC and found I have a message that says "I'd like to play ur ear" I don't even know what that MEANS! lol
Well that's... cryptic LOL!!

Online dating - you could try it with the sole goal of just having fun on some dates, testing the waters, social interaction, etc. Keep your expectations low. I know nothing of OKC. It was match.com and lavalife.com during the time I did it. They just seemed like another thinly veiled "guys just wanting to hook up" type thing. You probably just have less of them to weed through due to these being pay sites.
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Old 07-24-2013, 05:54 PM   #8
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Wow, thank you all for your responses, I feel a lot better to know I'm not alone here

I tried plenty of fish actually. I just couldn't do it, I always feel like the person might be a creep/serial killer/all of the above lol I know it's an awful way to think but I just don't trust the internet, especially when it comes to something like dating...

and can i just say I hate when people say they like me because they like "bigger girls" I would never message a guy and say i like them because of their size? it's just so weird.

Maybe if I get the courage one day, I'll go back and try it lol.

I also wanted to ask a question, someone who I did not meet online was interested in me a few months ago asked me a question after our 2nd date and it was regarding sex, and I had mentioned to him that I was a virgin, and his face was SO turned off, I mean it was very obvious. I didn't know what to do, felt really awkward. I told him It's not like I'm waiting until marriage or anything, I just haven't had a guy interested in so long to get to that pt!

Anyway, the date ended awkwardly and I never heard from him again after that night. and I'm too self conscious/scared to ask him why but part of me feels like if he was in anyway put off by that, maybe he just wasn't the right guy.

Is it really weird to be 26 and a virgin? I think my weight has been something that has me scared about that too. I dont think I'll ever wear a bikini, let alone let someone see me naked at this size!! but I have a lot of fears I can't get over =( can't tell if these are obvious to the people who see me.

oh boy sorry writing the novel again, but thank you all for the replies! I'm so happy I got the courage to join and ask my questions on here!! you guys are great!


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Originally Posted by Aclai4067 View Post
I just checked my OKC and found I have a message that says "I'd like to play ur ear" I don't even know what that MEANS! lol
Literally burst out laughing reading this! I got a lot of weird messages that this on plenty of fish!
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Old 07-24-2013, 07:08 PM   #9
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Some guys may be intimidated by the idea being with a virgin at our age. He may be worried that he's going to have to wait forever to get any, or that if he's your first he'll have this big responsibility to stay with you a long time or you might get super clingy. Basically, they're worried they'll have to ACTUALLY have a relationship. I say if that worries him, no sense in wasting time on him anyhow.
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Old 07-25-2013, 12:44 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by sparklesgirl007 View Post
I told him It's not like I'm waiting until marriage or anything, I just haven't had a guy interested in so long to get to that pt!
Honey, don't think of it that way! You've just been spared from having bad sexual experiences. No sex is better than lousy sex, heartache, and the misery of the aftermath. Consider yourself lucky and blessed to not have that kind of baggage to carry around at this point in your life. If you find "the guy" - what a gift you have to share with him! Something that will be his and yours alone.

Forget that loser. He didn't see you for the prize that you are.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:52 AM   #11
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Some guys may be intimidated by the idea being with a virgin at our age. He may be worried that he's going to have to wait forever to get any, or that if he's your first he'll have this big responsibility to stay with you a long time or you might get super clingy. Basically, they're worried they'll have to ACTUALLY have a relationship. I say if that worries him, no sense in wasting time on him anyhow.
I thought maybe that was it! I really felt awful though because he didn't seem like a guy who just wanted a one night stand. He has only been in long term relationships, well educated, nothing seemed shady, but who knows these days!

I felt like if I told a guy this, he should be less intimidated, I mean I have nothing to compare it to? lol Oh well....

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Honey, don't think of it that way! You've just been spared from having bad sexual experiences. No sex is better than lousy sex, heartache, and the misery of the aftermath. Consider yourself lucky and blessed to not have that kind of baggage to carry around at this point in your life. If you find "the guy" - what a gift you have to share with him! Something that will be his and yours alone.

Forget that loser. He didn't see you for the prize that you are.
Aw thanks lady! this made me happy to read! I really don't know how I am supposed to feel! I have a lot of friends who have no problem with the one night stands, but i'm too afraid to ever do that, knowing my luck I would catch an std too, and besides all of that, I want to have a meaningful relationship!!

Also, ever since I had this weird reaction from that guy, I decided to not bring up this issue with my friends either (wanting a bf) they don't know that I haven't had sex (only two of my friends do) but I'm afraid to bring it up and have them judge me after this ridiculous guy just walked out out of the blue!

Sorry forgot to mention: the reason i was going to bring it up in the first place with my friends is because they will literally give me a guys number who I can "hook up" with (awful I know)

Blehh so many things running through my head recently since I started really thinking about things, I wish my weight didn't make me so conscious about issues like this!

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Old 07-25-2013, 10:24 AM   #12
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I'm in the same, or at least a similar boat. I am very shy (social anxiety), especially with men, until I get to know someone. I've gotten better but it still takes me a bit to open up. I have been on dates but they usually end up horribly with me getting panicky and leaving abruptly to avoid any further embarrassment, therefore they never lead to more dates or a relationship. My friends have tried setting me up with people, and this is going to sound really judgmental of me, but it has hurt my feelings because of the type of guys (mental problems, drug problems, etc.) they have suggested. Really? Single does not equal desperate...The way I see it is I am used to being single and I take care of myself, if I meet someone then that's great, if I don't then I'm OK with that. I don't know why my friends don't see that, and it really kind of alienates me from them because in my head I feel they are talking to each other and other people about it which makes me feel like I'm being judged all the time just because I'm not in a relationship.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:34 PM   #13
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I'm in the same, or at least a similar boat. I am very shy (social anxiety), especially with men, until I get to know someone. I've gotten better but it still takes me a bit to open up. I have been on dates but they usually end up horribly with me getting panicky and leaving abruptly to avoid any further embarrassment, therefore they never lead to more dates or a relationship. My friends have tried setting me up with people, and this is going to sound really judgmental of me, but it has hurt my feelings because of the type of guys (mental problems, drug problems, etc.) they have suggested. Really? Single does not equal desperate...The way I see it is I am used to being single and I take care of myself, if I meet someone then that's great, if I don't then I'm OK with that. I don't know why my friends don't see that, and it really kind of alienates me from them because in my head I feel they are talking to each other and other people about it which makes me feel like I'm being judged all the time just because I'm not in a relationship.
This is the same way I look at it! I actually never had a problem being single until recently when I was trying to hang out with some friends for dinner and maybe some night on the town type stuff, and they all couldn't make it because they had date nights planned. It made me think of how I have been single all these years! But now it bugs me, but it shouldn't clearly somebody thinks I gotta wait for the right one to come along

I totally agree about the friend setting up thing!! I have had friends set me up with awful guys, and I mean like smell awful, no manners, they want to smoke or try to get me to, it's like really? If you know anything about me, you would know I wouldn't date those kinda guys.

I know they're trying to help but you're totally right, it does not mean I'm desperate!! I hope we meet "that guy" one day and I'll understand why nothing worked out sooner! lol

thank you all for your responses!!! can't tell you how much better I feel knowing I'm not alone on this!

Btw MAK congrats on your weightloss!!!! YOU ARE DOING AMAZING!! are you calorie counting?? I'd love to hear what you're doing!

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Old 07-25-2013, 05:52 PM   #14
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I was on Plenty of Fish years ago and had to throw them all back! I have had more than a couple of friends (3...3 is more than a couple) who have had success on Eharmony and Match. Two of them are married, the other is getting ready to move in.

In my opinion (and experience) guys using the free sites aren't committed to finding a relationship because they have to pay, and have to take the time to email per the site requirements, before you meet up.

Disclaimer: I don't want to pigeon hole the guys who are there honestly looking for a partner, I'm just relating what has been my experience
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Old 07-25-2013, 09:20 PM   #15
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Btw MAK congrats on your weightloss!!!! YOU ARE DOING AMAZING!! are you calorie counting?? I'd love to hear what you're doing!
Thank you! You just made my day. I started out using Diet To Go which worked great because they did the calorie counting for me. It got to be too expensive for me so now I am calorie counting. I haven't really been exercising a whole lot other than hiking with my dogs once every week or two and mowing the lawn. I seem to still be losing weight despite doing it all on my own, so knock on wood that the trend continues.
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