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Old 07-16-2013, 11:24 AM   #1
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I was on another board for pregnancy, and someone was asking questions about their previous long labor (33 hours). SHe expressed that she was afraid because her last labor was long and difficult. Other women were posting their similar experiencies and trying to make the OP feel better....then one girl posts "I was completely done in under 4 hours, totally easy labor, I'd be afraid to have more kids if I had a bad labor experience!"


Why the heck do some people feel the need to post that kind of comment??

Its like if the OP posts something about how they "have always been over weight and have so much trouble sticking to a diet" and somewhere down the line someone responds "Wow that must be awful, I've been skinny my whole life and can't eat enough to gain weight!"

Or OP is like "Anyone not have their parents? Mine were carried off by wild jackles when I was only 3 and I live alone."

And then after many supportive posts from others, someone is always like "Wow, that sucks! I live with my mom and dad and they are the best. I can't imagine not having them with me all the time to help me with everything!"


I'm being humorous about this, but why is there always that one person that instead of just offering support, is like "wow sucks to be you!" and then lets them know that they in no way are dealing with the issue the OP is...lol... And I'm not talking about giving a different point of view, no I mean that the reply totally just rubs the problem in the OP's face.
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Old 07-16-2013, 11:40 AM   #2
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Because they're extroverts and the mouth opens before the brain connects because everything that comes in their heads comes out their mouths. I say their, but as someone who thinks out loud, I've probably been guilty about doing this and then wishing I had thought it through. Good to see the humor because otherwise we'd spend all day shaking our heads......seems like we'd eventually end up with a bad headache!
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Old 07-16-2013, 06:05 PM   #3
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I try not to do this for the most part. The one occasion where I might respond like this is when people post about having trouble eating enough calories. This is just so far from the realm of my experience.
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:09 AM   #4
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I have done things like this, it doesn't come from malice but people just like to share their perspective and sometimes don't think about sensitivity.

Like I have a friend who is allergic to EVERYTHING wonderful and one day I said jokingly "I don't think I could go on living without cheese." And she sort of gave this weird look and I knew that it annoyed her. I realized that being allergic to dairy, eggs, nuts, etc. must suck not just because you can't eat those things and you pretty much live in danger all the time but because idiots say things like that.
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:17 AM   #5
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You can tell your on-line friend from me that my first labor was so bad I don't tell the story to pregnant women (think days), but my second labor (also induced) was 6 hours from start to finish.

eta: Intent is to show that the second labor doesn't have to be anything like the first labor. Many of my friends have said the second one was an easier labor for them.

I don't know why people do that--and it's different from saying, "My situation is different. That must be so hard for you."

And, as for you, GlamourGirl, I hope you have an easy labor and delivery, a beautiful and healthy baby, and lots of sleep!
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:25 AM   #6
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Ahhhh, conversational narcissism! It's something everyone has a tendency to do from time to time however, with some people it's a constant thing. Here's a brief article.

I know I tend to do it off an on although I try hard not too.
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Old 07-17-2013, 11:32 AM   #7
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Some people just honestly don't think about how their comments affect others. It's a shame.

On another note, I've been trying to find a pregnancy forum and haven't been too lucky. Would you mind sharing what pregnancy site you use?
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Old 07-17-2013, 02:34 PM   #8
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Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with the comments. She just voiced her honest opinion.

She should know everyone is different and not really take into account (seriously) what others say.
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Old 07-17-2013, 09:10 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethFromDayton View Post
You can tell your on-line friend from me that my first labor was so bad I don't tell the story to pregnant women (think days), but my second labor (also induced) was 6 hours from start to finish.

eta: Intent is to show that the second labor doesn't have to be anything like the first labor. Many of my friends have said the second one was an easier labor for them.

I don't know why people do that--and it's different from saying, "My situation is different. That must be so hard for you."

And, as for you, GlamourGirl, I hope you have an easy labor and delivery, a beautiful and healthy baby, and lots of sleep!
I had similar experiences. First labor was a nightmare, second easy. Hoping this one is easy as well!!

Also I totally agree that someone can say that they can not relate to the situation, but offer sympathy.
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Old 07-17-2013, 09:22 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Garnet2727 View Post
Ahhhh, conversational narcissism! It's something everyone has a tendency to do from time to time however, with some people it's a constant thing. Here's a brief article.

I know I tend to do it off an on although I try hard not too.
Very interesting article!!! I loved the breakdown of the conversation. This was how I *used to* talk, and it has taken a lot of conscience effort over many years to stop it (although I was not one to do what the originally post is about), but the other things in the article you offered are very familar to me. My father is classic narcissist, and this was how I was conversed with growing up (and how he still talks), its how I was taught to talk. Its been a great experience relearning to converse with others normally.
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Old 07-17-2013, 09:26 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by tehshort1 View Post
Some people just honestly don't think about how their comments affect others. It's a shame.

On another note, I've been trying to find a pregnancy forum and haven't been too lucky. Would you mind sharing what pregnancy site you use?
My opinion, Just Mommies is pretty nice. I'd stay away from What to Expect if I were you, a lot of the forums can get very nasty, I think because they dont have as strick of mods as Just Mommies...and I'm not a fragile person, I can get pretty snarky, so if *I'm* calling a forum mean...
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:20 AM   #12
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Garnet - thanks for the great article, very thought-provoking!

It's funny, I think I tend to consciously choose more narcissistic responses () when I post here, and I do it because it strikes me as more meaningful support. (More concretely: Rather than posting a "You can do it!" generic encouragement, I'm more likely to post a detailed response about my own experience -- because if it were me asking, I'd prefer to hear other people's experiences and lessons over well-meant platitudes.) It strikes me that maybe with the structure of message board posting, there sometimes might be an even finer line between shift and support responses. But there's still a big difference between relating your own experience with empathy and the insensitivity of relating how awesome and opposite your life experience has been. (Speaking of which GlamourGirl -- carried off by wild jackals, )
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:00 AM   #13
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The truth is, they are trying to be supportive. It just comes out as insensitive. They are individuals who want to give support but lacking the life experience to have much merit in the situation, they say the first thing they can that seems supportive to their ears. They mean no harm in it. And at one time or another, we have ALL been guilty of it at least once. Don't take too much stock in it. If they said, "HA! HOW FUNNY! Mine only took 4 hours, no issues" THEN they are being an insensitive prick.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:20 AM   #14
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Garnet - thanks for the great article, very thought-provoking!

It's funny, I think I tend to consciously choose more narcissistic responses () when I post here, and I do it because it strikes me as more meaningful support. (More concretely: Rather than posting a "You can do it!" generic encouragement, I'm more likely to post a detailed response about my own experience -- because if it were me asking, I'd prefer to hear other people's experiences and lessons over well-meant platitudes.) It strikes me that maybe with the structure of message board posting, there sometimes might be an even finer line between shift and support responses. But there's still a big difference between relating your own experience with empathy and the insensitivity of relating how awesome and opposite your life experience has been. (Speaking of which GlamourGirl -- carried off by wild jackals, )

I think if you are choosing to share your experience and relate it to the OP, that it not a narissistic response. I agree, and try to do the same...give my experience then relate it to the OP's question or content. I see it as giving "supporting evidence"...My experience, knowledge, story etc "supports" why am I saying what I'm saying to the OP.
I definitely appreciate those types of responses to my posts.

What I was getting at in my OP, is when someone posts something, that is upsetting to them, and someone responses ONLY to say that they do not have to deal with that challenge. That is the repliers only point.

This is different from "I have not dealt with that hardship, but or support.

Its also different from "I have the opposite situation, which lets me see the positive parts of the OPs situation" example: since your parents are gone even though it must have been hard, it has let you assert you independence and become strong in a way I have not since I still have mine."

And I'm not entirely sure if what I was talking about is the nariccistic reply, athough I loved that article!!! I would expect a narccistic reply to the parent post to be more of a: "Parents really suck though! the other day my dad grounded me for a month because he's a tool"...In that response, the replier completely ingnores the OP and their situation and just launches into their own parental issues.


What I was getting at specifically were replies that only serve the purpose of telling the OP that they, the replier, are another person on the planet that does not have to deal with such hardships. I think when someone has a hardship, especially an unusually one (wild jackals!! ) they are already aware that most people have not had to overcome such tramatic experiences. And they are likely in contact daily with people (coworkers, friends etc) that inadvertantly remind the OP that other people "have it better". i.e. OP is at work and coworker talks about how her and her mom have a mother daughters day once a month. OP is reminded again that she did not have a mom growing up.

When the OP comes to a board to say, "hey I never had any parents, I'm so hurt by this" and another poster responds with "I can't imagine that! My parents are my whole life, and I love them and I could never have grown up to be who I am with out them!" It does not offer comfort for the OP, it only states "I am another person that had it better than you"...

I'm really picking it apart now. I made the post humerously in response to something I read on this pregnancy board. I just don't think simply telling the OP that you don't have to deal with their challenge is effective or supportive. Now had the replier said something supportive, given a different point of view, or elaborated, then it really wouldn't have been so bad.


There was actually a post here a while back on the shrinking of the "girls" with weightloss and being "small". And topic was women posting about how since losing weight they are unhappy with their new small breasts. Then someone randomly posted how they lost 1 zillion pounds and their boobs were still a 59GGG...I'm exaggerating, but the point it they offered nothing to the thread except to state they they did not have this problem...and what does that accomplish? Nothing for the thread or OP, but I suspect this comes from the offender getting a boost in their own confindence/life/etc by stating to others that they do not have whatever problem/concern is being discussed. In other words, I don't think the motive is to be helpful, I think its for some type of self gain. However, I also supect that the poster doing that in many cases lacks the insight into this, and does not do it maliciously, but rather only feels the positive feelings associated with their reply post telling others about how their situation is not so glum.

Ok off my soap box now!
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:24 AM   #15
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The truth is, they are trying to be supportive. It just comes out as insensitive. They are individuals who want to give support but lacking the life experience to have much merit in the situation, they say the first thing they can that seems supportive to their ears. They mean no harm in it. And at one time or another, we have ALL been guilty of it at least once. Don't take too much stock in it. If they said, "HA! HOW FUNNY! Mine only took 4 hours, no issues" THEN they are being an insensitive prick.
lol Yeah I really wasn't annoyed by it. I actually found it funny. I don't know why. I guess I fine it so obviously a "what was the point of that" post, that I think its funny...I am one of those people that find humor in weird places.
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