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She's...fat? And some other thoughts...

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Old 07-04-2013, 03:45 PM   #1
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Default She's...fat? And some other thoughts...

In highschool there was a friend in my group that told me he liked me. I though it was a joke because I was fat. I was taught growing up that fat girls are worthless. They can be your friend but you should never date one. And men should be embarassed to have a fat girlfriend (sad, I know).
I learned that the only guys that dated fat girls are ones that can't get thin ones.

So I ignored and laughed at this guy because I knew it was a joke!!! He was fit and trim. He was not popular in school, but still was not "low" enough to have to date a fat girl (me)...

Well thank you facebook for letting me reconnect with all the people that I used to know. Including him. And he's dating this girl. And she's...fat? And doesn't care, I guess, seeing as she lets him post pics of her in clothes that show she's is overweight and has cellulite...like small dresses and bikinis...

I'm happy for her, that she doesn't feel like she should hide away because she's not a size 2, but it has left me wondering if he was maybe not kidding...I mean she's about the size I was in highschool. (btw I'm happily married so no thought of anything like that, just reflecting)

Its just weird, that's all. I wish I didn't think such aweful things about fat women, um because I am one. But this is what I was taught growing up. Fat girls should only be dated as a last resport, and even then, a decent man does not flaunt his fat girl/wife, he should be ashamed he can't get better.
I don't like these thoughts/ beliefs by the way, I'm just saying what I was taught / shown growing up.
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Old 07-04-2013, 04:54 PM   #2
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He probably has a fetish for fat women? As many men as there are who view fat females as worthless, there is a sizable community of men who have a fat fetish or preference.
Or maybe he's just not shallow. Maybe he is secure enough about who he is that he can love a woman for who she is, not what she looks like in a bikini.

How many women on this board are both overweight and in happy, loving relationships? Do you think all their partners have fetishes, too? For God's sake.

You might not realize it, MisterMisfit, but by suggesting that this gentleman has a fetish you are contributing to the culture that gives GlamourGirl such a messed up view of overweight women.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:05 PM   #3
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sucks to admit this GlamourGirl but as a fat woman I also have these thoughts. I was recently asked out by a guy I knew in high school, (he added me on facebook) ,I haven't seen him in about 10 years and I wont go out with him because of my size, despite the fact that I have recent photos on facebook (full body photos!, not just the face angled hide the chin photos, a lot of people will know what I mean haha), so he most likely knows exactly how I look now.
I have no advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone with these thoughts
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:34 PM   #4
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Or maybe he's just not shallow.
Maybe.

Maybe he is shallow and also insecure?

Maybe he has a fetish?

Maybe he has been dating his current GF for some time and she was a size 2 when they met and she gained a lot of weight?

I agree the word "probably" was not the best choice but based on the information we have he may be right.

Speaking for men everywhere - we're all different in what we prefer. For me, personality is far more important than looks.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:39 PM   #5
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It's hard to shake those types of beliefs when that's what we're taught growing up isn't it? Even when you know they're wrong.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:40 PM   #6
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Or maybe he's just not shallow. Maybe he is secure enough about who he is that he can love a woman for who she is, not what she looks like in a bikini.

How many women on this board are both overweight and in happy, loving relationships? Do you think all their partners have fetishes, too? For God's sake.

You might not realize it, MisterMisfit, but by suggesting that this gentleman has a fetish you are contributing to the culture that gives GlamourGirl such a messed up view of overweight women.
Yup.

And I am fat. And my husband loves me, thinks I'm attractive and has at every weight I've been since we met..... and does not have a "fetish"

I'm sorry that you feel this way, GG. Have you thought about seeing a therapist for this? It has to be hard living with these type of thoughts
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:52 PM   #7
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Or maybe he's just not shallow. Maybe he is secure enough about who he is that he can love a woman for who she is, not what she looks like in a bikini.

How many women on this board are both overweight and in happy, loving relationships? Do you think all their partners have fetishes, too? For God's sake.

You might not realize it, MisterMisfit, but by suggesting that this gentleman has a fetish you are contributing to the culture that gives GlamourGirl such a messed up view of overweight women.
WORD.

It's extremely disheartening to hear anyone pick apart the relationship a person they don't even know based solely on their weight. It show a lot of self hatred on the part of the judger, something that is going to do nothing but hinder any attempts at weight loss and maintaining a healthy body.
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Old 07-04-2013, 06:40 PM   #8
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When we were dating, one of the things that convinced me that my husband was someone I could marry, was seeing photos of him with his ex-girlfriends, and the way he talked about them.

There were short girls, tall girls. thin girls, fat girls, athletic girls, blondes, brunettes, plain, and gorgeous... And he never spoke disrespectfully of any of them, even the ex-fiance who broke off the engagement by moving a new boyfriend into the house they shared while he was visiting his great-grandmother out-of-state after she broke a hip.

My husband is fat, but he is tall and charismatic. I've had much slimmer women flirt openly with him in my presence, obviously assuming that I will be no competition. Some were even offended when hubby paid them no mind. One incident in particular we still laugh about is a woman in Walmart trying to get hubby's phone number while I was in another aisle (she had seen us together). I overheard her flirting and offering him her number, and stomp away offended when he played dumb and suggested she give the phone number to his wife as he would lose it.

Obviously the woman was offended that hubby did not see her as an upgrade. I wouldn't trade him in for a healthier, slimmer, younger model either.

Neither of us are fetishists, appearances just aren't our thing.

I was unattracted to hubby when I met him, but I wasn't attracted to him either. I'd never dated anyone so tall, overweight, or with so much hair, and I HATED mustached, and he smoked (I was asthmatic and highly allergic).

His charisma, intelligence, and personality won me over, and once it did, attraction came with it. I've also dated nice looking men who became ugly to me, once I got to know them.

Appearance isn't top priority for all of us.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:02 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by carter View Post
Or maybe he's just not shallow. Maybe he is secure enough about who he is that he can love a woman for who she is, not what she looks like in a bikini.

How many women on this board are both overweight and in happy, loving relationships? Do you think all their partners have fetishes, too? For God's sake.

You might not realize it, MisterMisfit, but by suggesting that this gentleman has a fetish you are contributing to the culture that gives GlamourGirl such a messed up view of overweight women.
I kind of felt this too when I read that it might be a fetish...like fat women are comparable to wearing animal costumes while dtd...Like its so abnormal...

I was told growing up that fat people, especially women were lazy, dirty, and slobby. "Slobs" that is the main word that I can hear being said.

I remember one time my dad took me to Burger King and we were in the parking lot eating. He was always skinny, but I was also fat. I wasn't even chunky at this point, I was obese. And a very big woman walked out of the burger king and my dad commented what a fat slob she was and shouldn't be eating burger king. I said something to him about how if he didn't do labor work, with his eating habits he'd be obese too. But he blew off my comment. Couldn't he see that I was fat? I always felt he was telling me I was a fat slob without actually saying it to my face.
(Just a side note, when I lost all my weight and got basically to goal, he told me I was too thin and I need to gain some weight, so I can't freaking win with him)

On tv, the fat women were always slobs. In the store, they were slobs.

When I was about 12 my dad out of the blue said "i'll always love you, no matter how big you get" and held out wide arms. And said "even if you are as big as aunt L" (My obese aunt) I had never until that day even questioned that I wouldnt be loved because of my size, but that made me realize that a fat person should never assume she is loved, not even by her dad.

And as recently as a few months ago, he was telling me that my aunt is a pig because she buys like 2 dozen cookies and eats them all at once and no wonder she's so fat. There was no reason to even tell me this, other than to make fun of my aunt.
Oh and he comments about how fat my step mom is.
Fat people are slobs, and this is a truth in my family. Even for my poor aunt, who I can only imagine has a lot of issue because of this.

Wow the more I type the more this time and that time come back. He would tell me as a teen that I would be pretty some day, when I was older. That there are many women that need to grow into their beauty and someday I would, but I was ugly at that time. But fat=ugly so I was in a lose lose situation.
And he told me around that time about a woman that he knew from a store he shopped at and that she had such a great personality he could almost forget that she was fat, so if I had a really awesome personality that there might be some guys that would look past my fatness....

I never realized the impact fathers can have on how daughter will think men perceive women...

I don't know the story with this guy from highschool. I don't know this girl, but she looks happy and fun in her pictures. Although most people don't look miserable in their FB pics lol. Its just been a very significant thing for me to look at what I think of fat women, including myself.

btw, I married an amazing man that has told me I am beautiful at every weight, even now at my heaviest, huge and pregnant...he tells me I am crazy to look in the mirror and see anything but beauty. He's been saying that to me for over a decade and I still can't shake my core beliefs.

I just can't understand how a man could look at a fat woman and not thing "slob". Only in recent years have I realized that there are overweight woman that dont hate themselves, and men that don't feel disgusted by overwieght women OR don't see overweight women as a last resort.
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Old 07-05-2013, 12:16 AM   #10
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GlamourGirl, I can relate to just about everything you said, as I have been obese all my life as well. The thing is, I'm male. So sometimes it happens to us as well.
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Old 07-05-2013, 12:35 AM   #11
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Holy crap Glamor Girl, your dad sounds f***ed up. I'm sorry he's said those things to you. No one deserves to feel the way that he made you feel about yourself.

On a side note, I've had a similar experience to your Burger King incident. DH and I were visiting his aunt and uncle a few years ago, and this was when I was at my highest non-pregnancy weight. We were all sitting in the car and a woman walked behind it, apparently too slowly for the uncle's liking, and he said something like "Move it you big cow!" (she couldn't hear him, the windows were up). I was so shocked I was speechless - this was a man who I enjoyed spending time with and respected, not to mention the fact that I was way more over-weight than she was. Awkward. At least now I've grown comfortable enough with myself that I'll call him on any bullcrap that he or anyone else says.
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Old 07-05-2013, 11:03 AM   #12
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Holy crap Glamor Girl, your dad sounds f***ed up. I'm sorry he's said those things to you. No one deserves to feel the way that he made you feel about yourself.

On a side note, I've had a similar experience to your Burger King incident. DH and I were visiting his aunt and uncle a few years ago, and this was when I was at my highest non-pregnancy weight. We were all sitting in the car and a woman walked behind it, apparently too slowly for the uncle's liking, and he said something like "Move it you big cow!" (she couldn't hear him, the windows were up). I was so shocked I was speechless - this was a man who I enjoyed spending time with and respected, not to mention the fact that I was way more over-weight than she was. Awkward. At least now I've grown comfortable enough with myself that I'll call him on any bullcrap that he or anyone else says.

Missy Krissy, I remember my grandmother saying these things as well, so I know its something that he was taught. Not to make excuses for him. I never met my grandpa, he died before I was born so I don't know what his opinion on women was.

I have has some of those situations, more so when I lost the weight, where someone I respected or at least liked, suddenly made an aweful fat bashing comment... especially at time when I was near goal and not "fat" (although I thought I was ) it was like I got to see people true colors and how mean they were. I'm sorry you were over weight at that time, it makes it so incredibly uncomfortable. That's how it is with my dad, its like he make fat insults while I'm fat...Its weird and uncomfortable, because they I'm thinking "what are you thinking about me in your head if this is what you say out loud about others??"
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Old 07-05-2013, 11:04 AM   #13
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GlamourGirl, I can relate to just about everything you said, as I have been obese all my life as well. The thing is, I'm male. So sometimes it happens to us as well.
Society is so focused on the effects on body image with women, it s easy for us to overlook how men are effected to.
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Old 07-05-2013, 11:17 AM   #14
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He probably has a fetish for fat women? As many men as there are who view fat females as worthless, there is a sizable community of men who have a fat fetish or preference.
Not every guy that dates a fat lady has a fat fetish. My husband and I got together when I was a few pounds lighter than I am now. Not skinny, not necessarily that overweight. He continued to love me when I got to my highest, and he always called me beautiful. I continued to get hit on when I was a high weight, and I can guarantee that most of those guys were not fat fetishists. Some people are truly not as shallow as we think.
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Old 07-05-2013, 01:17 PM   #15
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Oh, GG, I'm sorry your dad talked that way to you! My mom was the same way. Honestly, I think SHE just has body image issues (she's skinnier than I am, and she thinks she's obese!) and she was taking it out on her children in some kind of... misplaced body hatred/fear that we would become fat.

Of course, the only thing being called fat by my mother ever did was convince me that there was no use eating healthy/exercising because it was already too late. *sigh*

I went through all of high school refusing to date for the same reason as you. I even had my drama director tell me I was too fat to get a role, right to my face! And my sister and I were the president/vice president of the troupe! He was a pretty disgusting guy all around though (sexist, racist, homophobic, fatphobic) so it doesn't bother me much anymore, but it did at the time.

Luckily, I actually gained some self esteem right before I graduated, and I'm a lot happier now. Especially when I realized I don't give a rat's [beep] what anyone, especially men, think about how I look. Its a lot easier to be motivated when I'm doing it for me, not to please someone else. Yay for feminism, haha.
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