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Do I have "Doormat" stamped on my forehead?

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Old 07-01-2013, 10:55 PM   #1
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Default Do I have "Doormat" stamped on my forehead?

I am so frustrated. Months ago, I booked a trip to the west coast. I was going with a cousin. I booked her a room and a room for myself. She didnt contact me recently, so I texted her...I unfortunately need to leave a day early and offered her my room for one night in case she wanted her mom or another relative to visit so she could have company on the last day.

That's when she said her dog was sick and she had to cancel. Her dog, she explained, had been sick for quite a while so she couldn't leave since the dog is dying.

Ok, I get that the dog is important. But it had been sick for a while. And she says she is screwed because she already paid for airfare.

Well guess what? So am I. Fortunately I was able to cancel her hotel room, which I secured on my credit card. But now I'm booked for a trip that I will need to take on my own. If I had known earlier, I could have either tried to find someone else to go, or found something to do locally. I don't have much vacation time remaining due to having used a lot of time for my cancer treatment a couple months ago.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset? This is the second time she has canceled something on short notice. It just feeds my feelings of being unimportant and feeling alone. Yet another trip to take alone
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Old 07-01-2013, 11:49 PM   #2
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That really stinks! It would have been nice if she had contacted you earlier to cancel. Maybe she's simply been grieving for her dog and the vacation wasn't at the forefront of her mind.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:07 AM   #3
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I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have had similar situations happen to me. Some people just don't see accountability the way we do. It sucks and makes me feel uncomfortably replaceable or forgettable to them but, unfortunately, it happens a lot.
My sister did a similar thing to me and then even had the nerve to unfriend me on FB ... I still have no idea what happened.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:10 AM   #4
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In my 20's or 30's, I would have agreed with you, because I never had a pet that was like a child to me, and had never dealt with a pet being gravely ill. Then I became disabled, and my little cat was my constant companion while my husband worked the night shift and slept during the day when I was awake.

We spent money we didn't have to try to save her life, and while she died very quickly even if she had lingered, the last thing on our minds would have been how her death might affect our future vacation plans. We never allowed ourselves to think she might not get better, and planning for her death and how it might inconvenience us and others just wouldn't have been on our radar. In fact it would have felt like betraying her to even think that she wouldn't be fine.

Of the two of you, I'd much rather be in your position than hers right now.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:16 AM   #5
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I hate feeling like I've been left out I do agree that the possible death of her pet would be forefront on her mind, but it still means you are left with your own feelings and changed vacation plans

I enjoy having time to spend on my own and, while I don't have much right now, I've enjoyed taking road trips and having weekends on my own in the city to do as I please....I think I would enjoy traveling alone too but I would prefer to travel in the future with DH
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:20 AM   #6
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You know what? Plan yourself a trip that you'll LOVE. Some of the best trips of my life, I've taken alone. Trips to Europe, to national parks, from two weeks to a few days. You're on your schedule, seeing what you want to see. Eating alone is no disaster - I've met wonderful people who stop to chat and give great ideas about their locale. Make the trip what you want it to be. Yes, she should have notified you earlier. However that can't be changed but the trip can be just as, or even better, than if she were along. Go with confidence and have the time of your life. Be safe, but not paranoid. And you'll find that you might have lucked out with the way things turned out. There might have been a reason it happened the way it did...

YOU are the one in the good situation right now. This isn't about YOU having doormat stamped on your head; it's about your friend facing a tough time with the oncoming death of her beloved pet. If she cancels too often on you, keep that in mind for the future and don't make major plans with her.
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Old 07-02-2013, 09:27 AM   #7
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I'm one of those insainly dependable type A personality people. I would never cancel last minute on someone for a pet. I don't think that's a worthy excuse knowing the situation. Now if you guys had say a day trip planned, then I could see maybe that being ok, but huge trip with airfare ($$$$), no way!

BUt I expect the same respect from others I give so that;s why I would find that unacceptable.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine from HS and I decided to get together with our kids. She lives about 20 minutes away but we are busy and have a hard time finding time for each other. She works, so I let her tell me when she's available, plus she just hada baby last year so I know she has alot going on.

However SHE asked about gettting together a few Saturdays ago and I agreed. The days before I wanted to cancel! I was just feeling crappy from feeling pregnany and didnt feel like having guest but I would never back out of a visit that short notice.

She said she would be here at 1pm. So dispite feeling like crap, I have everything cleaned and ready for visitors and passed up an invite to the park from another mom and told my kids that friends were coming over to play. At 1:03 she texted me and said her baby was up the night before and that she was still cranky so she was going to cancel....I even have kids so I know how it is, but I thought of that as really shiity move. She could have told me that morning, if what she said was true, but I have a feeling she just changed her mind. I never plan on inviting her over again. I will not go out of my way and clear my schedule for that.

And you know what, people like that (I have a cousin like that too) eventualy find themselves with no one to spend time with because no one will make plans with them again!

I wouldn not make plans with your cousin again. Sounds like this was asecond chance already and she blew it. Your time is valuable not to mention the $$ you are spending.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:36 PM   #8
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I don't have kids, my dog is my "child". I will be truly devastated when she passes.

With that said, I'm not sure how someone can forget they have a vacation coming up? If my dog were to become deathly ill I would cancel my trip too, but I would tell you as soon as I made the decision.

I have a friend that is a Last Minute Lucy. I simply don't offer any plans anymore, but I do accept, if I'm available, when she makes suggestions. I just don't rearrange my schedule anymore.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:34 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by PreciousMissy View Post
I don't have kids, my dog is my "child". I will be truly devastated when she passes.

With that said, I'm not sure how someone can forget they have a vacation coming up? If my dog were to become deathly ill I would cancel my trip too, but I would tell you as soon as I made the decision.
I agree, but I'd want to know when the cousin first realized there was even a decision to be made. I'd also need to know the reason for the first last minute back-out. Was it ten years ago because of another serious loss or obligation in her life, or was it six months ago because she had to wash her hair? I'd also want to know what her follow-through rate is. 25%, 50%, 99.9%.

I think there are too many variables to judge the situation fairly, and OP has a lot to think about regarding making future plans with this cousin.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:35 PM   #10
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I can understand that your cousin might cancel given the health of her dog. I would do the same if anything happened to my pets, whom I adore. But I agree with Precious Missy. There's no excuse for not informing your earlier, as soon as she realized she needed to cancel. Failing to do so is extremely rude and inconsiderate. That said, I would simply go and have an amazing vacation...and I hope you're able to do just that.
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:35 PM   #11
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I think the fact that she already paid for her airfare tells you she fully intended to go.

I know you're disappointed, but things happen. Just try not to be too upset with her. It's really not her fault. You can't plan when things start to go down hill with animals or people.

In the future, if you want to try another trip together, just get the insurance so you can change or refund your flight without penalty.

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Old 07-02-2013, 08:42 PM   #12
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I understand your frustration. I would be bummed if I had planned and paid for a vacation with the expectation of having a friend along, and then it was just going to be me!

However, I personally would cancel anything if my dog needed me. She's my baby! Try not to feel undervalued, it honestly probably has nothing to do with *you*. Try to turn it into something positive. See this as your chance to do everything YOU want to do! Be another person for a week.

When I first moved, I found myself doing many things on my own. Going to bars, movies, parks, etc. At first I felt a little awkward, but I soon found that if I put on a smile, I met a lot of fun people.

May I ask what part of the west coast you are going to?
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Old 07-02-2013, 08:49 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by nationalparker View Post
You know what? Plan yourself a trip that you'll LOVE. Some of the best trips of my life, I've taken alone.
This. It's scary at first, but I actually like traveling alone now. And you are 100% in control of the itinerary, which can be really cool. Sleep in if you want to. Get started at 6am if you want to. Eat where you want. See what you want. And you'll also meet people. I have met some fascinating people while traveling- people I never would have met if I hadn't been alone. I've even made some long lasting friendships with people I met while traveling alone.
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:15 PM   #14
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This may be a blessing in disguise. You can do whatever you want with your day. Want to get up early? Do it. Want to spend an hour staring at an interesting painting at a museum? Do it. You won't have to worry about being rushed. You also avoid the feeling of being a doormat, feeling resentment, feeling disappointed... The only one there is YOU!

Buy a beautiful travel journal and use the alone time to work through/on some issues. Use the time to learn what you like about you.

I have traveled alone and I find it to be a great opportunity to reconnect with myself. One of my breakthroughs came during some alone time on vacation. I knew the area of my life that was a source of concern. I downloaded a self help book and I used my evenings and early mornings to read, and late morning/mid-day/early evening to ponder what I had read. I returned home with a clear head and some idea of the direction I wanted to go with my life.

All of that to say...alone time can be a gift. It is all in the way you look at it.
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Old 07-02-2013, 10:16 PM   #15
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You know what? Plan yourself a trip that you'll LOVE. Some of the best trips of my life, I've taken alone. Trips to Europe, to national parks, from two weeks to a few days. You're on your schedule, seeing what you want to see. Eating alone is no disaster - I've met wonderful people who stop to chat and give great ideas about their locale. Make the trip what you want it to be. Yes, she should have notified you earlier. However that can't be changed but the trip can be just as, or even better, than if she were along. Go with confidence and have the time of your life. Be safe, but not paranoid. And you'll find that you might have lucked out with the way things turned out. There might have been a reason it happened the way it did...
.
Understood, but I go solo on trips all the time. I have been extremely lonely lately, and have had my share of challenges this past week. My aunt died Saturday. A trusted medical professional who I formed a good relationship with is leaving for another opportunity; a person who changed my life. And I go through a very restrictive diet starting Monday, in preparation for my final treatment for thyroid cancer. I am especially vulnerable to binge eating this week, due to going on a restrictive diet on Monday, and being alone leaves me in more danger of falling off the wagon.

I get that her dog is dying. I have gone through that ith pets myself. It's the nonchalant attitude that she is the only one with problems, and no acknowledgement that I am impacted in any way whatsoever, like I was always going to go on the trip and her presence was optional.

I will do all the stuff I do when I'm alone; god knows I've taken my share of trips alone before. But I'm sorry, her attitude leaves me feeling angry.
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