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Old 06-19-2013, 06:17 PM   #1
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Thumbs down End of a long term relationship.. crushed :(

My (ex) boyfriend and I have been best friends for nearly 6 years, and dating for three and a half. It's over, and it's all my fault.

I have always dealt with anxiety and had a horrible home life, with crappy parents. I in turn have severe abandonment issues, and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) a couple years ago.

I don't want to get into details, but I had a suspicion my boyfriend was cheating on me last night, confronted the girl, and he was so appalled he broke up with me and is saying I'm just downright insane. Looking back, I should have gotten it from him first, instead of approaching the girl. I apologized to her (she is bf's really close friend) and we made amends, but he's still so upset with me. We're splitting the phone bill into two separate lines, and all of the other stuff.

I will admit that I stopped going to therapy to help control my BPD and I stopped taking my medicine, but I thought it was so easy to use him as my crutch. I am still so in love with him and he's my best friend

I haven't eaten today, and I puke up my water from being so upset. I emotionally can't handle this. I told him that I'm going to get help and I mean it this time, but I feel like I truly effed up this time. I'm taking the steps to make myself better, and we both truly love each other.

I feel like he's just upset with me and at the end of his rope, so I'm hoping that if I REALLY show that I am sorry and I'm trying to better myself that things will work out.


Anyone else relate? :/
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Old 06-19-2013, 06:41 PM   #2
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I'm sorry. No words of wisdom or anything here, just that I've been there.
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Old 06-19-2013, 06:49 PM   #3
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I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you! I'm glad that you realize that you have to get back on your medicine and stay on it. You know it's working if you feel like you don't need to take it anymore.

I know it's going to be hard, but you need to focus on getting yourself better before you even contemplate trying to win him back.

To truly love him you need to provide him with a healthy you and a healthy relationship.
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Old 06-19-2013, 07:06 PM   #4
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You're either leaving out a lot of information or this wasn't the right guy anyways. A guy that would break up with his G/F of 3.5 years over something like this is not worth having.

But like you said - you don't want to get into details so I assume you're leaving out a lot of information.

Goodluck and take care of yourself, but may I advise you to use exercise and not food or drugs to ease the pain?
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Old 06-19-2013, 07:06 PM   #5
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I don't handle breakups well. I get very depressed, can't sleep, can't eat. But I get through them- and you will too. You need to focus on taking care of yourself right now. Don't hole up at home. Go out with your friends. Get a massage. Go to the beach. Go for a hike. Read a good book. Do whatever you enjoy doing. But don't wallow- it's self-perpetuating and it can spin you into a depression. And don't rebound- any new relationship right now won't last. Give yourself time to heal.
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Old 06-20-2013, 08:51 AM   #6
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. Definitely reach out to get the help that you need to move past this. I don't agree with JohnP, I can relate to why your ex would need space after an incident like that because I would feel the same way. Perhaps give him the time and space that he needs to let go of his anger and in the meantime seek help that will help you get through this. Neither of you deserves to live with constant suspicions about infidelity. Hugs to you!
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Old 06-20-2013, 11:44 AM   #7
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I left a lot out since it's a long story, but he's a guy worth having for ANY woman, he's that amazing.

Somehow he agreed that he would keep an open mind about our relationship since I made appointments etc to help myself. He said he knows I'll make him proud and he can't wait, it's the waiting part for me that's killing me!

I walked on the treadmill for two hours yesterday and walked around town for another two. I can't eat or sit still. I'm hoping everything will work out
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Old 06-20-2013, 12:52 PM   #8
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I hope it works out. If your jealousy was unfounded, then I can see why your BF got mad, especially since you approached his friend and embarrassed him and put his friend on the spot.

If there's some sort of history though that led you to be suspicious- such as if he's cheated on you before- then it may be best to let it go now, as hard as it is.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:00 PM   #9
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I'd be pretty upset if my husband accused a guy friend of mine of anything like this, especially without talking to me first. I think if you're serious about trying to get him back you should definitely go to therapy again, not just for your relationship but for your own mental health. It will make you happier, and can only make your relationship more stable. And if he sees you working to improve your issues, that might be enough to win him back. But you can't just stop treatment because you get him back, or it might all happen again and next time he might NOT come back. Take care of yourself, and good luck!
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:44 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny View Post
I don't agree with JohnP, I can relate to why your ex would need space after an incident like that because I would feel the same way.
You would date someone for over three years and then break up with them over this incident? Why date someone that long if you're unwilling to forgive them for making a mistake when you know that person has a history of mental challenges? We're not talking three months we're talking 3 years.

Granted - there is more to this story than the incident but in this context we're only talking about a singular event, after which there was an apology.
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Old 06-20-2013, 01:48 PM   #11
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I've been on the opposite side of a similar situation. I actually applaud the honesty with which you have presented yourself, and I'm going to reward honesty with honesty, but you (and everyone else) may think I'm a heartless witch as I say it. One comfort I do have to offer is that heartbreak doesn't last forever and this could, in it's own way and as much as it hurts, be a very good thing for you over the long term ... the fact is, growth hurts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by halo104 View Post
I will admit that I stopped going to therapy to help control my BPD and I stopped taking my medicine, but I thought it was so easy to use him as my crutch.
You cannot make someone responsible for your emotions or emotional stability. My first husband had BPD, among his other problems. He made me responsible for his emotions, had major trust issues ... a whole lot of other stuff. Long story short, people rarely break up in very long term relationships over ONE problem/argument/misunderstanding. It's usually a whole lot of things that build up to a breaking point. The quoted paragraph points out two very big mistakes you were making (1. Not staying in therapy/going off your meds when you know you have BPD; 2. Turning him into your crutch), in addition to your trust issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by halo104 View Post
I feel like he's just upset with me and at the end of his rope, so I'm hoping that if I REALLY show that I am sorry and I'm trying to better myself that things will work out.
Fix your problems, get yourself healthy, yes, but do it for YOU not as some short term solution just so you can "get him back." You may have lost his love and friendship forever, that's what happens when you screw with other people's trust. But you can't "make it up to him" by telling him you're sorry and then going back to the same thought patterns that got you in this place to begin with. The only rope he's reached the end of is that he doesn't want to enable you anymore.
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Old 06-20-2013, 02:31 PM   #12
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This was probably 'icing on the cake' so to speak if you've already stopped therapy and meds and relying on him for balance. I have nothing but respect for a man who would stick with a woman through this (I had severe postnatal depression myself and I know what it's like to see your partner as your rock) but one person can only take so much and it is quite scary to become a crutch rather than a support.

Let him go. He needs to heal. In the meantime, work on yourself and your recovery ~ who knows what the future will hold. But it's clear you both need to recover separately.
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