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Old 05-24-2013, 10:13 AM   #16  
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Unless I value someone's opinion ...it would not impact my life.

People will always have feelings and gossip about others....might not be a pretty thing but it is a reality!
I think the More you stir s@@t the worst it stinks!
What would you gain by even addressing this? You have stated you are not going to be there long term ...sometimes unless you are willing to make a stand ...why would you open this topic up.
How will the fact that you read thru these emails be perceived.... Will some look at this as a way for you taking revenge on the mean girls...and is this how someone in a Supervisory position behaves after stumbling across information.
I think telling them you heard gossip ....when you didn't undermines your integrity.....and moral high ground.

People are not always nice and can be quite vicious...I would not expend my energy unless .....you have the fortitude to see this through and are willing to take the backlash that could come your way!
Remember as a kid I'm Rubber your glue ,everything bad bounces off me and sticks to you
My advice from a famous Beatle Tune .....Let It Be ,Let It Be
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:31 AM   #17  
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Hugs
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:33 AM   #18  
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it's very painful. The people that said it's to make them feel better about themselves, in control, or superior, are right on the money I would say. This reminds me a lot of my oldest aunt, who has always been insecure and needed to be in the spotlight and feel like she has control (even of other people). I used to spend summers and whatever time I could at my grandparents, because my "real" home was a nightmare. So my grandparents knew that my mother didn't buy me as much as I really needed (but that was about the extent they knew, mostly) .... so my grandparents would do things with me, and my grandma would buy me clothes, because she knew I had very little, and none were very nice. The older I got, the more jealous my aunt got, because she needed to have their/everyone's complete attention. So when I became a teenager, she would prey on my weakness - as it was very noticeable that I had no self-esteem - so to make herself feel better, she'd say something like, "I'm so much better than you. You will never be as good as me." Then, before it was all said and done, I would hear things like, "You're really ugly, you know? And your body is gross. You have wide hips, and who your age has that large of a chest? That's just disgusting!" So then by the time I was an adult and diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I gained weight, especially since I was less active due to pain. So then she'd tell me how gross I was, and how I should have lipo. Over the years, I learned that she behaved like that, to try to push me away from any attention that she saw that could be obtained by her, and she'd do it when she'd feel bad about herself after breakups and losing jobs. So, you see, people that get that low and hateful ... they are much more pitiful than we could ever be. Because they feel so weak that the only way they can feel good about themselves, or feel in control is by playing very dirty and acting in no way any adults ever should. These people, they aren't even worth the thought.
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:37 AM   #19  
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punkrocksong, I'm glad that you have a strong support system in real life and were able to talk it through with your husband and best friend!

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Old 05-24-2013, 11:45 AM   #20  
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Originally Posted by Quirky Chick View Post
The older I got, the more jealous my aunt got, because she needed to have their/everyone's complete attention. So when I became a teenager, she would prey on my weakness - as it was very noticeable that I had no self-esteem - so to make herself feel better, she'd say something like, "I'm so much better than you. You will never be as good as me." Then, before it was all said and done, I would hear things like, "You're really ugly, you know? And your body is gross. You have wide hips, and who your age has that large of a chest? That's just disgusting!"
A hug for teenage Quirky Chick and a hug for adult Quirky Chick, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your aunt.

I will carry things in my heart for the rest of my life that were said to me and they should never have ever been said to a child/teenager. And like you, they were from people who should have loved me, not brought me down. And I would never give them the satisfaction to know that I remember exactly where I was and what they said to me, even 25 years later.
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:52 PM   #21  
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Sucks you are going through that but why were you on her computer to search for a email that you sent? Why were going through the other girls emails? Was this the first time youve done this or have you done this before?

Last edited by energie; 05-24-2013 at 06:32 PM.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:14 PM   #22  
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A hug for teenage Quirky Chick and a hug for adult Quirky Chick, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your aunt.

I will carry things in my heart for the rest of my life that were said to me and they should never have ever been said to a child/teenager. And like you, they were from people who should have loved me, not brought me down. And I would never give them the satisfaction to know that I remember exactly where I was and what they said to me, even 25 years later.
Thanks, hun. So sorry you experienced similar things.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:03 PM   #23  
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Sucks you are going through that but why were you on her computer to search for a email that you sent? Why were going through the other girls emails? Was this the first time youve done this or have you done this before?
I was covering for one of my employees who was on vacation and part of that is working from her work station and sometimes I will send things from my email to that computer so I can do my job and their job. I wasn't snooping on purpose...I was legitimately looking for something. I do this often, and my staff are used to me working from their stations - and this was the first time I've ever had any kind of issue.

And no...I don't make it a habit of snooping through other people's stuff - not that this was her stuff...it is company property and she was doing something with it that she wasn't supposed to be doing. She knew full well I would be using her work station and she had either forgotten about the emails or didn't care if I saw them.

I bring it up every single staff meeting that we aren't supposed to use email/internet for personal use. And when someone sends me something saying anything negative about another coworker, I don't respond, and I immediately delete the email from my inbox and deleted folder. I guess I was foolish to assume I would be provided the same courtesy. I work under the assumption that this is not my private email account and I can't write whatever I want to.
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Old 05-26-2013, 11:48 AM   #24  
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I would have printed out all of the emails and made three copies. One for yourself, one for the owner, and one for the higher up who is in a relationship with one of the offenders.

Then I would go to the higher up and the boss (separately or together) and say as unemotionally and off-hand as possible, say something like "I ran across these when I was covering for ex when I was looking for an email I sent her. I really don't know how to handle this, and hoped you might help. I've also given copies to so-and-so to get his/her input as well.

It doesn't matter that bossman is blunt - that's not your problem. By not going in angry or vengeful, just calm and concerned, you're passing the responsibility up the chain of command. Let them handle it.

You did nothing wrong, and these gossips should learn this is not appropriate office behavior. I've seen people fired for much less (like using company time to write job search emails).

Even if they only get a slap on the wrist, that's not your problem.

If you decide not to do so, at the very least, I would call all three gossips into the office and say calmly (smile if you can) "Hey, I've heard that you three have been saying some very unpleasant things about me and others, but I dismissed it as office gossip until I ran across these emails when I was covering for x. I realize griping about coworkers and supervisors is perfectly normal, but stuff like this is not appropriate for the workplace and I trust that this will stop. If I hear that you're talking like this about me or anyone else in the company, I will have to take further action and get my supervisors involved.

The reason you want them to think you got wind of this through office gossip, and not just email, is because it will make the gossips think twice about doing their *****ing in the office where anyone can hear. And if they're talking about you, they're talking about others too, so making this about everyone, not just you is important, because it will reinforce the idea that any nasty comments about anyone will not be tolerated and they'll never feel safe doing so again.

Personally, I'd add a little warning to make them wonder whether they were ratted out by one another by saying something like, "When you say stuff like this about coworkers to other coworkers, you never know who is going to agree with you to your face and then carry the gossip back to the people you were gossiping about."
I completely agree with this way of addressing it. I don't think this type of immature behavior shold be ignored. Especially since its being done through work email and on the clock. If they want to get together after work an act like a bunch of children because they have nothing better to do, then fine, but they should be expected to at least pretend they are adults while at work doing an adult job.

I'm so sorry to hear they said such awful personal things. It sounds like whatever happened way back when you started still has them looking for some type of "revenge". Try not to let it get to you, which I know is easy for me to say, but harder to do. It is obvious they are very immature and have very sensitive egos (I've been reading a lot lately about these type of people because of my SIL) If they feel in any way you have slighted them, they will never let it go. They cannot handle these percieved insults or slights (which they likely saw with your position advancement over them) and they can spend an eternity getting back at you, which includes putting you down in any way they can. Really, you could be a super model that volunteers at a homeless shelter and they'd still find a way to insult you about it. Its not about who you are or what you look like, its about them getting back at you for wounding their ego and making them feel worthless, which doesn't mean you did anything that an emotionally healthy person would be hurt by. Its because they have issues, and see "insults" where there are none. You advancing in your position over them was the insult. Their emotionally immaturity means that instead of them seeing how THEY lacked the skills to advance and trying to improve, they blame you. Its all about it being someone else's fault, because they can never admit that they are not advancing in their posotion because of their own short comings at work. These kind of people exist everywhere in life, (like my SIL!) going through life blaming others, and seeking vengence when someone slights them, even if the slight is no more than pointing out their flaws. I know you didn;t point out their flaws, but by being promoted you inadvertantly pointed out their flaws. You didn't do anything wrong, just being around these people, at some point you will "insult" them because their egos are so fragile. Sorry to go all psycho babble lol, but it been interesting to read the psychology behind this type of behavoir.


But because its taking place on work time, I would do what kaplods suggested. They can go through life behaving like that (and end up miserable!) , but they cannot be permitted to do it at work.

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Old 05-26-2013, 03:00 PM   #25  
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Just a thought..... Is there someone in your office in charge of IT? They could send out an email saying that emails are being monitored and that if there is excessive personal emails that that person will be spoken too? Might scare the C**P outta them.... in a professional way of course...
This, absolutely.

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You're in management now so you really should try to handle this yourself without involving anyone above you - yet. I do agree with one of the posters that if it taking significant amounts of time you should mention something to everyone (not just the people who did it) that time on personal emails should be reasonable and is being monitored.
And this. From a former manager's point of view, if you are a pleasant, professional manager/supervisor, your employees will try to get away with anything and won't respect you. Sad but true. I learned the hard way.

If you can, I would come down on them like a hammer. Pull a bit of a power card for a bit. Anything you have the power to do to make their life at work annoying, I would do. For example, if they enjoying eating at their desk but technically they are not allowed to, put a rule into effect about no eating at desks anymore. No more surfing internet, etc. Things like this.

YOU have the power, THEY do not hold any power. And honestly, as a manger I always say, if your employees don't "like" you, you are doing a good job . You are not there to be liked. You are there to supervise and make sure the job is being done. If you are liked while you are doing this well that's nice, but it usually doesn't happen.

As for what they said about you? I know it's hurtful, but just because they said it doesn't make it true. After all, consider the source - you are going to believe a bunch of losers in an office? Nope.
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Old 05-27-2013, 01:30 PM   #26  
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I don't have much in the way of advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

I've had similar experiences in the past. It's not fun...
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Old 05-27-2013, 01:44 PM   #27  
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So, did you print out the emails???

Sorry this happened to you, use it as motivation! I would definitely mention something to them... They will be embarrass (hopefully) and now they will know that you know what they do during working hours...
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Old 05-27-2013, 01:56 PM   #28  
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I am also a supervisor and just recently had to deal with a hostile employee. Here's an article that I think offers some quite good advice:

Dealing With A Difficult Employee
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Old 05-27-2013, 03:58 PM   #29  
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Thanks again everyone for the support. I've thought about this very rationally all weekend and I have a game plan in place. I have to address this at a staff meeting, but in a very general way - I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than it is. And really, people complain about their bosses - that's what they do. I'm sure I've said less than fantastic things about my bosses in the past, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that not all of my staff have glowing things to say. And I need to focus on the positive...most of my staff seem to generally like me, the ones that don't are known to stir up trouble and drama - and one of them is leaving in two weeks, so I shouldn't let it get to me.

When I originally posted this, the wound was very fresh and I needed some kind of outlet. So again, thank you so much everyone for the kind words...and I've learned my lesson - no matter how deragatory the subject heading toward me is in the future...I won't even glance at the preview pane - it goes directly into the deleted box.
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