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How do I help my friend find a boyfriend (or just dates)?

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Old 02-22-2013, 03:05 PM   #1
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Default How do I help my friend find a boyfriend (or just dates)?

She's 24 years old and never had a boyfriend before. She doesn't really talk to many people - has maybe 2-3 close friends, including myself. She's kinda depressed when we talk about guys. She thinks no one is interested in her and that she'll never find a guy. Most of this equals up to her self-confidence. She's a big girl, but we've been going to the gym lately and I've been pushing her to go so we can both work on ourselves. She's the kind of person that wouldn't go anywhere alone. If she goes to the gym, buy groceries, library, anything pretty much... she has to have someone there with her. I can't think of any guy friends of mine that I can introduce her to.. they're all taken/not into a serious relationship lol.

Should we hit a bar or something? Where else could we go? I don't wanna tell her to go online and look for a guy.. just doesn't seem right to suggest that, but I wanna help her!
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:16 PM   #2
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What does she like to do? Sometimes when you are self-conscious it helps to get involved in an activity that takes the focus off of yourself and puts it on what you are doing. I am just naturally an introvert but I want to meet people. So I joined meetup.com. There are groups for just about everything. You can probably suggest some groups, go with her to a few and then after she meets new people she can start to attend the meetups on her own. They have meetups for everything from Bollywood to Board Games. I am not the most outgoing person but I have had a good time at every outing so far.

The great thing is that it is not necessarily a dating site but you are exposed to a variety of people who share your interests which just happens to be one of the best ways to meet a potential mate.

So far I have done the following and more
- played laser tag
- gone to a dinner where we all communicated in Spanish (all levels were invited)
- Salsa Dancing
- CPR training

all through meetups.com
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:26 PM   #3
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I agree with ImImportant. Use what she is interested in to draw her out of her shell. If you're going to help her with this, then you need to help her without the base issue, her lack of confidence.

Help her see that if she puts herself out there more, she will be more likely to live her life the way she wants to. Help her discover what she likes to do and what she doesn't (not what she's afraid to do, they're different imo). Encourage her to do things on her own, even if it's just at the house or around the block, at first.

Once her confidence builds, guys will see it and thus be more likely to approach her. The issue needs to be solved from the base up.
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Old 02-22-2013, 03:55 PM   #4
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Ever heard the saying "God helps those who help themselves?" I think it's one of these cases. If she can't even go to the grocery store alone what makes you think you can help her meet somebody? There is no amount of external help that can be given to her that will actually help her. If she doesn't push herself to be even a little bit independent then meeting a guy is the least of her problems.

I also think you might be enabling her. Ok fine, she's too scared to go to the library by herself - but what purpose are you serving by going with her? Are you really helping her by being a crutch all the time? Being a friend sometimes means being tough with your friends, do you actually enjoy hanging out with someone who's scared of their own shadow? If I were you I'd go to the gym alone and say "sorry, I really like exercising by myself lately." Work on your own confidence and help her work on hers, but I don't think you're doing her any favors by holding her hand through every thing.

If she see you enjoying yourself on your own (going to lunch by yourself, going to a movie by yourself, going to the gym by yourself) maybe you'll inspire her. People are much more apt to change through inspiration than by being led by the hand.
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Old 02-22-2013, 05:17 PM   #5
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I'd much rather meet a guy through internet dating than a bar any day. Regardless, sounds like she's not ready.
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Old 02-22-2013, 07:48 PM   #6
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Hi,
I am wondering -did she ask for help or is this coming from you? At 24 this inability to go anywhere alone sounds pathological to me. She may need professional help to discover why her confidence is so very low.

I think you mean well but to me it is too far away from normal young adult behavior for you to solve this issue.

Is she doing all she can to make herself attractive? This is where i think you can be of great help as it is specific. I mean no matter how great a person is-first is the superficial that attracts. Now please everybody don't get all over me about this. It is what it is.

I think online would be a decent practical option for her. She could test the waters and if things go south -just delete. lol

Good luck you are a kind person.

Sheridan
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Old 02-22-2013, 08:36 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImImportant View Post
I am just naturally an introvert but I want to meet people. So I joined meetup.com...
ImImportant, so much! I was thinking of adding more friends to my life but between work and commuting, I was kind of baffled how to go about it. Meetup.com looks wonderful! There is a hiking group near me and a women's group - awesome!
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Old 02-22-2013, 09:00 PM   #8
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I am 35 and also have to have someone with me when I go anywhere or I have severe panic attacks. It really sucks!

My friend wanted to help me find a guy (years ago) and she actually set up a profile on an online dating site with me and I met my husband that way. Twelve years and two kids later, we are still together!
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Old 02-23-2013, 07:03 AM   #9
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Old 02-23-2013, 12:29 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny View Post
Ever heard the saying "God helps those who help themselves?" I think it's one of these cases. If she can't even go to the grocery store alone what makes you think you can help her meet somebody? There is no amount of external help that can be given to her that will actually help her. If she doesn't push herself to be even a little bit independent then meeting a guy is the least of her problems.

I also think you might be enabling her. Ok fine, she's too scared to go to the library by herself - but what purpose are you serving by going with her? Are you really helping her by being a crutch all the time? Being a friend sometimes means being tough with your friends, do you actually enjoy hanging out with someone who's scared of their own shadow? If I were you I'd go to the gym alone and say "sorry, I really like exercising by myself lately." Work on your own confidence and help her work on hers, but I don't think you're doing her any favors by holding her hand through every thing.

If she see you enjoying yourself on your own (going to lunch by yourself, going to a movie by yourself, going to the gym by yourself) maybe you'll inspire her. People are much more apt to change through inspiration than by being led by the hand.
I think Wannabe brings up some good points. She isn't in a good place to date right now, that's a minor concern. It sounds to me like she has Social Anxiety and needs to sort herself out before she attempts to meet some. Not only that but if you did happen to find her a boyfriend, all he'd end up being is yet another crutch. Let her lose some weight first, I know that as I dropped pounds my confidence soared. I'm still not perfect but I'm in such a better mental state than I was before, dating when you feel like crap is so damaging.
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:19 AM   #11
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Let her lose some weight first, I know that as I dropped pounds my confidence soared. I'm still not perfect but I'm in such a better mental state than I was before, dating when you feel like crap is so damaging.
Losing weight definitely makes anyone more confident. But you can build your confident by doing more than that. We shouldn't have to rely solely on our appearance or our weight to make us feel good about ourselves. I also know that confidence helps me lose weight. You have to have a lot of confidence in yourself to go to the gym, put on spandex and work out in front of other people. Being overweight does a number on our self confidence but you don't need to be a supermodel to go to the laundromat. You're right though, the OP's friend has some serious social anxiety issues that need to be worked on before she is able to sustain a relationship with a guy imo.
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Old 02-24-2013, 07:58 AM   #12
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1) Why are you helping her find a guy? Did she ask you?

2) What's wrong with meeting someone online? It isn't just for basement weirdos anymore, in our day and age it's a practical, safe way to meet people with shared interests

3) If I were a guy I would have a hard time dating someone who wasn't independent enough to even go grocery shopping alone. Dating may be a disservice at this point, sounds like she needs some professional help.
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:52 PM   #13
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I vote no on the bar idea. Not a good place to meet people.

You could offer to help her create an online ad, and to help her select dates from that, but if she balks then back off. She might not be ready. She'll get there at her own pace.
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Old 02-26-2013, 03:48 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy Krissy View Post
1) Why are you helping her find a guy? Did she ask you?

2) What's wrong with meeting someone online? It isn't just for basement weirdos anymore, in our day and age it's a practical, safe way to meet people with shared interests

3) If I were a guy I would have a hard time dating someone who wasn't independent enough to even go grocery shopping alone. Dating may be a disservice at this point, sounds like she needs some professional help.
She did ask if I had any guy friends I could introduce her to, but I don't. There's nothing wrong with meeting someone online, I just don't want to suggest it to her because it may come off the wrong way, telling her to go look for dates online. And yes, you guys are right, she does need help. I don't know why she's so afraid to just go out alone and do her own thing. Lord knows we all need personal space. She lives with her Dad but she's over her best friend's place like 24/7. Sleeps there most nights.. Idk if it's just me, but I could never do that.. Then again, I have OCD and I'm claustrophobic.

I try to hang out with her when I can, but man... she makes me feel bad for her every time she complains about her life and I'm not good at comforting people.
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Old 02-26-2013, 06:53 PM   #15
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Hmm. Is there something bad happening with her father?
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