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Looking for a little weightloss/marriage advice

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Old 01-17-2013, 03:12 PM   #16
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I agree with a lot of the above and can add a few things.

I remember the head trip I had when I lost weight and all of a sudden everyone paid attention to me - except my husband. It made me feel like I needed his approval more than ever. The comments by everyone else made me feel vulnerable and very aware of how men look at women. It amazed me the looks I would get - from men with rings and even from men with girls presently with them. I wanted to slap them! But it made me very insecure about my own relationship. The only attention that mattered was his and the more I got it from others, the more I noticed it wasn't there from him. I couldn't understand why it changed from the rest of the world but not from him. I know now that I needed validation from him that I was desirable and that he did love me, but also reminded that he loved me (and my body) before I lost weight. But also, he was very aware of the attention that I received and it made him uncomfortable and he didn't know how to respond to me. He later said that he felt like he was "just one of those guys" when he hit on me and didn't feel special anymore.

My advice - directly ask him for the validation you need, the approval you need, tell him of your insecurities and ask for him to patient with you if you ask for the approval and validation frequently. And ask him how this has affected him and realize that he may be going through something also. Last - maybe it really is about sex frequency for you, but for me it was more just about that validation and approval frequency and sex is just one way to get that.
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There's no ticker here because I have no idea what I weigh, nor do I have plans to get on the scale anytime soon. My goals are to take care of myself in healthy ways and let the scale fall wherever it will. "It's not about skinny anymore - it's about healthy."
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Old 01-17-2013, 03:39 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayingForKeeps View Post
Hi everyone!

Quite frankly, there is zero difference between how he treats me now as how he did four years ago.
I understand you desire for him to "up the ante" but all I really saw in this was the above piece.

Four years ago he treated you pretty well, even though you weren't at your "hottest." So why is this bad?

Honestly, I love the fact that my husband treats me the same sexually, whether large or small. Remember, we all go through these stages - perhaps one day you'll be pregnant or trying to lose the baby fat. And of course, you're going to get old. This just tells me he loves you for YOU - not as arm candy

Maybe tell him you want a spark ... be open and honest.

Best of luck!
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Old 01-17-2013, 06:30 PM   #18
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I was also going to suggest the 5 love languages as a place to start with communication. If you Google the title, you will easily find the website, which has a quiz you (and he) can take. It will tell you your main love languages and how you can best meet the language of your significant other.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:11 PM   #19
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in reality all relationships simmer down and the excitement does seem to go away because your with each other everyday and doing the same things all the time so life becomes routine and you start to take the other person for granted.

do you want the excitement and thrill of being in a brand new relationship only to find that it will also fizzle and become comfortable and just like your current relationship? because it will.

after 2-3 years and living together relationships always lose a bit of the magic they had in the beginning, when everything was new and exciting and you couldnt wait to learn more about your new love..once youve learned everything about them and done everything with them i would hope what is left is more than the shallow beginning had to offer.

what you have now sounds like its a pretty special thing that most people hope for, a wonderful life and house and pets and a man who you know in your heart loves you because you have said it here. more than that you have comfort and predictability and stability and love and a husband who is always there for you.

you could leave your husband in search of a new life and a new love to go with your new body and self image but what if after 2-3 years in the next relationship after all the excitement and thrill is gone (and most likely it will be) what if you dont have a new husbad you can say so easily truly does love you, what if you dont have the great house and pets and comfortable life?.

what a shame that lesson would be to learn but maybe you need to take the chance, i dont know, only you know.

it sounds like what you have is great and it just needs a bit of tweaking and you need to talk to your husband and tell him your feelings in a way that he can understand. maybe you guys need the help of an outside party like a therapist.

maybe your unhappy with your life and you need to take on new things on your own to make you happy and give you thrills, maybe your complacent with yourself. maybe you need new friends with new interests or maybe a new hobby etc. or maybe you need to find new and exciting things to do with your husband or more time apart so that when you are together its special again.

giving up on your marriage isnt the only option to the problem your facing. there are many solutions, you just have to find the one that works for you. but the first one isnt to just leave your husband.

relationships take alot of effort and patience and knowing that things arent always perfect but they can always be improved.

life is really hard but you most likely have to soldier on and i think relationships are even harder.

sorry if that rants just stupid and not helpful
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Old 01-18-2013, 06:39 AM   #20
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Thank you all, so much for your advice! I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to all of you.... life has been crazy this week.

First of all, I think a lot of you are right about the love languages. I think that is exactly it - we have different ways of showing each other that we love each other. I actually brought this up with him, because I thought it was such an important and interesting idea, and he agrees. Perhaps I will pick up that book. We both communicate very differently, and maybe it would help if we were both "speaking the same language."

Second, I do think it is his validation that I want. I feel like part of it may be because I have been on this weight loss journey pretty much on my own. A lot of times while trying to lose weight he would discourage me from getting up ear;y and working out, or encourage me to eat ice cream even though it wasn't on the plan. HE thought he was being helpful, because in HIS mind, he would much rather ice cream and sleep over exercise and carrots. I think I want him to treat me differently because I want to get feedback that all the hard work I did over the last three years has been "worth it." I know it should come down to MORE than just how "hot" my husband thinks I am, and it does... but sometimes staying disciplined is really HARD and I feel like it would be easier if I got his approval. It would feel like more of an even exchange.

I think I am viewing losing weight as my own language of love. Like getting fit and healthy is not only a gift to myself, but a gift to him. Not only do I look better, I am healthier, more confident and more comfortable with who I am - all good things in my book. If he doesn't give me the validation I am looking for, I feel like the gift isn't appreciated. Also, I really love my husband as he is now.... but because I consider what I am doing a gift, I would hope for the same back - but that doesn't happen. When we first met, my husband was an athelete. He was on varsity baseball in high school, and in good shape. He used to run on a regular basis. When we got together, he put on weight and stopped working out. He eats pretty unhealthy. I kept hoping that if I went ahead and changed, maybe he would go back to some of his healthier habits. But I feel jilted because I put in all of this "effort" and he has not. But again, I guess this comes down to different languages... I don't think he sees his health as having anything to do with showing me he loves me.

Finally, I just wanted to reinforce - I have no intentions of leaving my husband. At all. We've been together for so long and we have so much history... I wouldn't throw it all away. And as for counseling, we have been going to a therapist regularly well over a year. We've had other issues. The counseling is kind of fun actually.... but I don't know how much it has helped. We have good conversations, but not much changes. He's a creature of habit, and his feeling is that I should always just love him for exactly who he is, and he'll do the same, and that asking him to change isn't fair.

Point is - we are working on it. Thank you for the feedback so far! Very insightful and interesting stuff.
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Old 01-18-2013, 04:16 PM   #21
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Losing weight as a love language...hmmm...very insightful. I like that! I think you're on to something. It explains a lot.

With any love language, knowing your partner's is just as, if not more important than knowing your own, in my opinion. So, knowing that yours might be the gift of your body to him is helpful to understand your feelings of not being validated, but knowing his will help you to see that it isn't a non-validation and see the ways he is showing his love - AND to give that kind of love back. Ideally, he'd be doing the same thing for you, but a lesson I've learned the hard way is that we can't control the actions and feelings of others, only our own. So, he may give it back that way and he may not. But giving him love in his language will only help your relationship, regardless.

Good stuff.
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There's no ticker here because I have no idea what I weigh, nor do I have plans to get on the scale anytime soon. My goals are to take care of myself in healthy ways and let the scale fall wherever it will. "It's not about skinny anymore - it's about healthy."
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