well, now i'm just confused on what to do! (career)
so i thought i had everything figured out. i was going to go to college, become a doctor, and make tons of money and have no kids for a very long time (okay, perhaps not THAT vainly, but you get the jist).
well... then i got married, we settled down, and I got into all the DIY projects, designing our home, and being a crafty wife. and while on my search for crafty projects, i discovered all the baby things. and what once was "this will be so great for my brother or sister!" has now turned into "this will be so great for our future children!"
and my plans of being a doctor, having tons of money, and having no kids has turned into wanting to go to school for business, perhaps open a bakery or craft/clothing store for kids, and have tons of children.
simply put, i think being a newly wed has given me major baby fever. i've always been a nurturing and care-giving woman (helping raise my four younger siblings my whole life) and now it has come time for me and my husband to start thinking about our own lives, and our own family.
has any other newly weds felt like this? that life has suddenly turned upside down?
I've found I love being a wife (and potential mother) much more than I'll ever love being a doctor, and that's why career choice #2 has been winning by far these last few months
I didn't experience the feelings you're having but I'm not average. First off, I did things out of order. My husband and I were in a long term relationship and were comfortable then I got pregnant. We decided to get married because it would make having a baby easier financially with all the tax breaks and whatnot.
Maybe I would have gotten "baby fever" eventually but it's never been that strong. In between kids, I never really got that strong urge to have a bunch, it was a calculated decision to have a second based upon finances and timing the possible age difference between two.
That said, I think you're feelings a perfectly normal. I can understand not wanting to go to med school as it would put having a family on the back burner for a long time.
Have you considered other healthcare fields that may be just as rewarding but do not require so much time in school? There are physician assistant programs, nurse practitioner or registered nurses. Our med school even has a fast track program where if you already have a bachelor's in another field, you can go back and have your RN completed in a year.
Even if you choose something completely different than healthcare, you can still lead a very happy, rewarding life without buckets of money and a bunch of initials after your name. You just have to really evaluate the situation and make the best decision; you don't want to feel any resentment over not having ____.
I developed baby fever shortly after moving out of my parent's house and into an apartment with my fiance. However, this move was directly related to me starting law school in a new city. I'm now in my 3rd and final year of law school and my nesting tendencies are only getting worse since many of our friends are getting married and having babies. I guess I'm a little jealous, especially since my fiance and I have been together for much longer than any of our friends and it's natural to feel like we should be at that point in our life.
Luckily being an attorney is rough, but not as taxing as becoming a doctor and hopefully my life will shape up how I want it in the somewhat near future. And I am able to step back and realize that I needed to complete this long process of getting an education in order to provide my future kids the life I want them to have, because my fiance will not be able to do so on his own-- we need to work together.
I will just recommend you do whatever makes you truly happy. Though, I urge you to get some form of education (I guess it's not clear to me from your post whether or not you have a bachelor's or not already). An education will give you much more stability and options in your life.
So, this is my mother's advice which I took. I'm engaged and my parents basically told me that a Masters is mandatory if I want to 1) feel like i'm contributing financially to my new household 2) never feel like our money is his money 3) have a fallback if anything were to happen with our relationship. This does seem a bit pessimistic but until my mom got her career back, my dad was pretty awful to her. So, I have a Masters, but I make less than my fiancé. I was so warped by my mom's advice though that when he got a promotion I wanted to cry because I am making so little in comparison. He had to remind me that we're a team now and that this promotion benefits both of us. He's right! I'm definitely excited for kids but want to time it optimally for my career.
So, I can see both sides. In the end, do what makes you feel empowered, fulfilled, AND financially responsible.
Just a note, I live in one of the most expensive places in the country so it's hard to support yourself without the right experience/education.
I've been exactly where you are - I met my husband when I was in college and honestly figured I'd get a degree, work for a decade, marry, and have a few kids. I always wanted to be a wife/SAHM/homeschooler/etc but I figured it would be delayed until after a career.
Then we got married, and my heart was truly changed. I longed for a baby with my husband, and when I got pregnant and then miscarried after our honeymoon (maybe related to birth control, maybe not) we were BOTH disappointed. I was shocked to find myself pregnant again on the very next cycle after that, and within a few weeks my mind was made up that I didn't want to work my whole pregnancy.
My husband was completely in agreement and was happy I wanted to be a housewife. I'd also been planning on continuing my college, but after taking a few classes post-marriage, during my pregnancy, I decided it wasn't where my heart was and the degree had nothing to do with the goals both my husband and I had decided were most important.
So we changed our plans accordingly. We got enough life insurance to pay off our house and living expenses for four to six years, so I could go back to school and get a degree while continuing to care for my children if something happened to him. I decided that I could be even MORE industrious, creative, and contribute to our household as a full time caregiver than I could outside the home. It also gave me significant amounts of freedom from some of the social/career pressures I hadn't even realized I was laboring under. Staying at home and cultivating a family turned out to be the very best decision I have made, to date, just short of marrying my wonderful husband.
Now, six years, four children, homeschooling and NO career later, I can safely say how THRILLED I am that we chose to have children immediately in our marriage and kept them coming. Even in the weeds with a bunch of small children (which is HARD, especially when I am educating them, too!) I am grateful every day for the beautiful family I have been blessed with. I've had to be very creative with our budget, as we are a family of almost-six on a single income, and we can't run our large, busy, young family the same way a further spaced, older, double income family does. It just won't work. But if I had worried at all about lacking fulfillment, value, or mental stimulation, that has been completely put to rest.
Like anything, homemaking and motherhood is so much more about attitude than money or success. Hard work, every day, with a cheerful heart and an eye on the long term gain of the daily toils... That makes SUCH a difference in how I feel. I could long for a career, resent my husband or kids, feel overwhelmed and under-accomplished, sure. But I choose joy, and my success and value isn't based on a paycheck or a degree I didn't end up getting. My hubsand's opinion of my work is far more important than what the world (and my mother ) tells me I should have done with my life. My only regret is that I didn't trust my heart and gut regarding these issues SOONER, because I could have spent the first six months of our marriage much more productive and less conflicted than I was.
So that's my encouragement, from a young wife and mom who has been where you are. It's a huge blessing to be here, in my situation, and if I want my degree and career when I am done raising children it will be right where I left it, for the taking if I apply myself in that direction. But I don't think I'd want to submit myself to a boss when I'm so busy and industrious at home and in my community, right as I am now. A degree and career has lost almost all appeal now that I've learned how to have a fulfilling, busy life without them!
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 10-20-2012 at 01:57 AM.
I felt this way when I was a newly wed! I wanted children badly and we both talked about it all the time. However, my husband wanted to finish medical school before we had children and wanted me to finish college as well. However, we been married 6 years and no children. While we both still talk about it; we decided to wait a little longer.
Since I know now that we are waiting; I still find myself; going into Toy's R Us looking at baby clothes and whatnot's.
I think it's really important that you follow your dreams, and do/be what you want to do/be before anything else.
I completed an entire four year degree thinking it would be easier than my first choice and I would get a job, and move out, and save up, and buy a house, and marry my boyfriend, and have babies... Well, I did get a job and I could have moved out, and saved up, etc. etc. etc. BUT, in ten years when I have those kids, I don't want to tell them to follow their dreams and do/be what you want to do/be UNLIKE me... Of course, if you decide that what you really want is to be a mother (the hardest job in the world anyways), and that's your number one dream, than that's all good too!
Now, I haven't yet been hit with "baby fever", but I think it is really important to inspire and motivate your children through example, and you'll be the first one they look to.
Edit: I am back at school now, doing what I want to do, and although it's A LOT harder than I thought it would be, I know it'll be worth it!
Here are my thoughts (coming from a 50-something mom of two grown children):
I think that you should follow your heart, but also take care of your own future by preparing for the unexpected.
If you want to be a doctor, but also want to be a mom, find a career that is in the medical field that won't delay you from becoming a mom and won't keep you from your children when you do have them.
I was lucky enough to have the kind of job when my kids were little that I was able to be home with them for dinner and tucking in at night. I don't know how women handle working when they have little ones at home being put to bed by someone else.
Be sure to take care of yourself by getting an education before you have kids. It may be one thing to have insurance if a spouse dies, but your education will be your insurance if the marriage fails and you have to provide for yourself and your kids.
Further, when you get to be my age, you will find that if you aren't already vested somewhere with a good position, not too many employers will want an employee in their 50s.
And last, follow your heart not only in the parent aspect but in the job aspect as well, because it is VERY difficult to go to a job everyday that 1.) doesn't matter, 2.) is mindless, 3.) is not fulfilling, and 4.) makes you detest having to show up everyday.
thanks for the input, everyone! i've been so busy this week that i had forgotten about this post.
but yes, i agree with what you all have said. after thinking about it more, i've realized i want to focus more on a family and not so much on a demanding job.
and while i can continue my education in college, i think i'll just go into business and think more about my options from there.
well, now i'm just confused on what to do! (career)
) tells me I should have done with my life. My only regret is that I didn't trust my heart and gut regarding these issues SOONER, because I could have spent the first six months of our marriage much more productive and less conflicted than I was.
