[Song of Surly]

Okay, so I'm super confused this morning after a big argument yesterday with my dbf. I was a smoker before I met my dbf. Well, I was a closet smoker, actually, and it was a habit that I would put down and pick back up with some regularity. I knew he HATED the thought of living with a smoker, so I hid my habit from him for a long time, even though he knew I was a "former" smoker. Needless to say, when he found out I hadn't kicked the habit, he was pissed.

But, I was also pissed. Yes, I had lied to him, and I know that is forty shades of wrong, but I also felt like a chastised child. I wasn't ready to give up smoking, and I felt like I was forced to. I know this was due to his love for me. I'm not unaware that this is a terrible habit, but I also felt like I was being treated like a kid. I felt that it was my own freakin' body, and as long as my smoking had no effects on him (making the house/his clothes/my kisses stink), then it was a little bit of my own business to deal with.

Well, I have been trying really hard to stick with it for the past year and a half, and I've slipped up a few times. My sister, mother, and brother-in-law smoke, so sometimes I have a lot of trouble resisting. Yesterday was one of those times. My mother works at the same school as I do, and I was so stressed out with first year teacher worries that I begged her to let me bum a smoke. I know there's better ways to deal with stress, but it was a moment of weakness.

Well, last night when I was with my dbf, he smelled smoke on my breath, and I plainly admitted to smoking. He got so mad, swearing he was going to talk to my mom about it. I mean, really? I thought this was absolutely ridiculous, and I told him so. It was also the same old chastisement - the same old lecture. I was so fuming by the end of the conversation that I couldn't appreciate that he was speaking from a place of love. I've tried explaining that I need more support and understanding, but I just don't think he understands just how hard it is to completely kick this habit, especially when you don't feel like you're ready to in the first place. He doesn't appear to be listening, however, and it frustrates me.

So, has anyone else been in a situation like this? I try to understand his feelings, but I get so mad when he doesn't understand mine, that I can't. How do you fix that?

[bargoo]

You could be telling my story. I was a smoker when I met my husband to be, he wanted me to quit and I tried, like you, stopped and started several times. Eventually it came down to him or the cigarettes.I stopped for several years and lo and behhold he started smoking ! I started again, too and he of course didn't like that at all, we had a lot of fights over my smoking. I stopped again to keep the peace. After a while, not because of the smoking we divorced. I didn't waste any time buying a pack of cigarettes. I smoked for a few years and finally , on my own decided I didn't want to take the risks that cigarette smoking can bring and I stopped. That is the point, it was MY decision, no one was insisting I should stop but me. I firmly believe that is the right way, make the decision on your own without someone forcing you to do it. What happened to my ex ? He continued to smoke and eventually remarried and guess what ? He married a smoker and she continued to smoke after they married! Go figure ! The main point of this long story is decisions we make on our own will be more effective. I don't know how you can make your bf understand this but you can try asking him to drop the subject and let you decide withiut him pressuring you. Good luck !

[healthyangie]

When I met my first husband - he hated I smoked, so I stopped. And then started again but decided to "hide" it. Obviously he found out and was pissed, but as you were - I was too!. We are not children - yes we know it's a bad habit but we will make our own decisions. I would like to think they are mad because we hid it, but I think they're more mad that they couldn't control it. I personally don't like being contolled (of course cigarettes control me at times!)

My second husband (and current ) is also a non-smoker and doesn't like me smoking. I've learned my lesson though - love me for who I am, with all my flaws and I will love you with all your flaws too. He's no angel! We have a rule that he is NOT ALLOWED to bring up my smoking as it's my personal decision NOT his. I am also not allowed to through up past mistakes of his so it's give and take. I do not impose my habit on him but he does need to be understanding about it at times.

Final line - if you live a lie, someone's gonna get mad! Be who you are and don't hide anything from someone you love ...

If it helps to add some humor, I also don't believe in faking oragi$ms anymore either

[Sinoia]

I was a heavy smoker for nigh on thirty years. I gave up nine years ago and never looked back.

I know you do not want to hear this, and I am not a zealot but the only way you fix it is by giving up smoking. As you say, you are not a child and do not wish to be treated like one so you know, in your heart of hearts, that that is the only correct solution for your relationship.

If you are not ready to give up smoking ... are you ready to give up your relationship? It may boil down to that choice.

Please understand, I am sympathetic, I was an unrepentant and defiant smoker for many years. It is a choice, be addicted or not addicted, no matter how it is described otherwise. There are so many aids to giving up now that it is not as difficult as it used to be. It is scary though, to give up... just like any addiction.

I came across some scarves I had packed away before our move to Germany and I had not washed them before stowing them in a trunk. I can really smell how bad they are now ... and I realise how I stank and am ashamed.

My partner was a saint through it all but she confessed a couple of years ago how very pleased and grateful she was when I gave up. She loved me no less but she also stank because of my habit, she also inhaled in my secondary smoke. she also put up with dirty ashtrays and a loss of taste sensation. She also suffered because so much money went towards supporting my addiction. Of course your partner is affected, and deeply, he shares your habit no matter how much you deny it.

If you want him to treat you as the adult you are you have to stand up and be counted, stop being in denial, face your responsibility and talk honestly and decently with him. You need his support and help to give up.... not to remain smoking.

[masterptr]

I used to smoke and I was not smoking when I met my husband.
even now, when I travel, I get motion sickness....
sometimes, I smoke on a travel day .. but I do not continue.
it is just that day and no more when the traveling is done.
also, I try to clean my breath before anyone knows it.
I myself do not like the cigarette smell.....

[Twilightwing]

maybe i'm different here, but i see it as a control issue. you are an adult. just like he would have no right to tell you that you 'must diet', or you must become vegetarian,or you must join a gym... he has no right to tell you you cant smoke... and he mentioned talking to your mother? lmao my mom would have torn him a new one if he had gone to talk to her lol...
you are an adult and should be loved and accepted for who you are..unconditional love.. if YOU want to quit for health reasons, then thats fine.. im all for it... but just like you cant lose weight for other people (it has to be for you), you cant quit smoking for others or you will end up resenting it and them...

[valalltogether]

just my perspective.. little cherubs with like..trumpets played around him the first time i met my boyfriend. seriously, there was just something about him and i just wanted to get to know him! as we started to talk more, i learned that he was a smoker. flirtatiously, i told him we could never date because i hate smoking. lucky for me, he took that information and quit, long before we started dating..so that by the time it rolled around..he was already off the habit.

if i were to find out that he started up again, regularly, in secret. i would be pretty mad, too. i don't date smokers..i made that pretty clear. you think just because you go outside that it's not still on your clothes, or if some time has passed its not still on your breath...it is. and it disgusts me. makes me wanna puke.

yeah, i'd be pretty upset and i wouldn't want to kiss him or cuddle because i guarantee i could smell it. i wouldn't run and tell his mom or anything..but it would be something that warranted a discussion. i don't think i'd break up with him..i love him too much <3 but he would need to understand that i won't be close to him until he takes a shower and brushes thoroughly. that smell permeates! believe it.

even if there is a car like two people ahead of me and they are smoking, the smell comes through my car vents and makes me cough. my i'm super sensitive? but you gotta understand how a newly acquired smoking habit would cause such a change in my relationship. just a different point of view..

[Buddha Gal]

Non-smoker here but I have a sister and an ex who have tried to quit multiple times. For people who don’t smoke it’s hard to understand that smoking isn’t something you just give up. It is an addiction. If it were so easy to quit there wouldn’t be 9.5 billion cessation products on the market.

I can understand him being upset over the fact that you hid your smoking from him, but there is no reason for him to treat you like a child. Just like weight loss, a person can’t do it unless they are ready, unless they are doing it for themselves. To be forced to do something usually breeds nothing but resentment.

I know I’d bust a gasket if I were with someone and they said to me, “I hate that you’re fat. You need to lose weight”, “You snuck a candy bar at your mom’s house? I’m going to have to talk to your mother.” I’m not a child and my significant other is most certainly not my parent.

Chastisement is not support. Quite the opposite. How would he feel if he were trying to accomplish something and every time he slipped/failed you freaked out on him?

As a grown woman you have the right to make your own choices. As an imperfect human you have the right to slip up. He should be there to catch you when you fall and help get you back on your feet - not glare down at you while you’re on the floor.

I wish I had some advice on how to fix your situation but I don’t. I believe you will quit when you are good and ready. As for the boyfriend, if I could get people to open their ears and really listen and understand each other I’d be a millionaire with a best selling book series hahaha. I just hope things simmer down and he can talk to you about it with some maturity.

[krampus]

From his perspective: Smoking is the dumbest thing anyone can ever do. Why can't you just NOT DO IT? You are killing yourself and the multibillion dollar quitting industry is a scam, all you need is willpower and drive and commitment. It's simple and if you care about yourself or your loved ones you'll just NOT DO IT!

From 3FC's/your perspective: Treat smoking as you would weight loss - it's a sensitive and delicate issue that requires support, not chastisement.

An explanation like that might break it down easier for him.

Also: http://www.e-cig.com/

[LockItUp]

I'm a former smoker (needed to add that for some sort of credibility).

If your dbf didn't know you smoked when you met, I can see why he is so angry. For some (maybe not him, IDK) smoking is a deal breaker, if he didn't know you smoked when you met, that is a hard thing to come to terms with.

It is indeed your body! Of course it is. Smoking, as you well know of course, is an addiction and habit that may very well harm your health. If he wants to spend his life with you, perhaps he sees this as a huge obstacle. I can see why, it is a big deal.

No, he isn't really going about it the right way -- neither are you, by lying and hiding (you already stated that, so you know). He probably has no idea how to go about it. Perhaps you can sit down at a time when you are both completely calm and you can tell him what kind of support you need. When people can't relate to a problem, sometimes they have no clue how to begin to help. He's dealing with it the way his experiences have taught him to, that doesn't mean he can't be guided to deal with it in a different way.

Right now I just see a situation where two people have two different perspectives, neither of which are communicating their side of it in a productive manner. Honestly, neither of you are right. Perhaps starting at square one would help.

[Song of Surly]

Thank you all so much for your perspectives.

For some clarification, I am not saying that I want to start smoking again. I have quit, but I do slip up from time to time. It's really, really tough, especially starting such a new and stressful job. It's my comfort, other than food, and I'm trying to keep myself away from both of them.

I think he is afraid for my future. He's sorta explained that to me, and I know his anger comes from a place of love. He does not want to have to go through lung cancer or emphysema with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I try so hard to remember this when I get angry, and thank you guys for helping clarify that perspective for me.

I think you nailed it on the head, LockItUp. I do feel that it's almost a control issue at times, and I hold some resentment for feeling "forced" to do it, even though I know it's good for me. I have not communicated these feelings very well, but instead have huffed and puffed around when it's brought up and have let myself develop feelings of anger. I also have some major issues with disappointing people, so those feelings sometimes get funneled into anger. "How dare you have such expectations of me?" kind of thing. It's easier than accepting that I have failed, but it's not a thought process I am proud of.

I also think his concerns and frustrations have clouded his ability to fully express how he feels at times. I have deduced a lot of his feelings to a point, but when the situation comes to a head, it feels like it's more of a control issue because of the way he goes about it, if that makes sense. I wish I could tell him when I slip up so that he could help me get my head straight, but the anger I receive just makes me feel like a kid - like I'm not talking as a grown up about a common grown up problem. It makes me feel like I have less of a voice, if that makes sense. I know he doesn't mean for that to happen, and I try to keep that in mind, but sometimes it's hard.

I'm gonna give it a day or two and talk to him about it again. I don't think we've ever had a conversation about it that I have initiated or one that wasn't sagged with guilt for me. I think that's the best.

Thank you all you lovely ladies for your advice. My head feels a little bit clearer this afternoon, and I think I have a better grasp on what's going on in our relationship concerning this issue.

ETA: Krampus - I've thought about keeping an electrionic cigarette here at work so I don't feel tempted to go grab one of my mother's, but I don't know if it's necessary where I'm not battling quitting from a stand point of smoking every day. I'm afraid I'd just become dependent on it when I'm currently, while having a very hard time, not smoking. I feel that it might be better than falling off this wagon entirely, however. I wonder if anyone has had success with it as a preventative measure.

[ChickieChicks]

I can see where you are coming from, but it seems everyone is glazing over the fact that you lied to him. You hid something from him that you knew was important. If this is a deal breaker for him, he is entitled to feel that way.

If I knew my husband had a porn addiction, but has sought counseling and was "over it", then I find him doing it...multiple times even though I have expressed my feelings....what would you say I do? Accept it and love him "for who he is"?

Why are we no longer able to put concrete expectations of behavior anymore? Or finite moral standards? It's way too PC and "love me no matter what I do, because heck, I'm going to do it anyway!"

It doesn't sound like he is trying to control you, but rather regain control of a situation that he probably feels is very overwhelming. This is a huge deal to him. He as lied to and misled. He loves you and probably feels very confused! On one hand, his love for you is making him stay and try to find ways to get you to quit, so he can go back to the world he lived in before, when he thought you had quit. On the other hand, he probably feels violated and is grasping at straws to express his unhappiness and disappoint.

Hopefully sme good, direct communication can help put this to rest and you can both move on. Good luck.

[krampus]

I was a light smoker (2-5 per day) and some days I forget to puff the e-cigarette. It's kind of a crutch for when I'm out drinking nowadays rather than a habit.

[Song of Surly]

Hmm. If I continue to have issues, I may give it a try.

Also, a note that I wasn't clear about: I had quit smoking when he and I started dating. I had just been a habitual quitter/starter upper and a closet smoker up until that point, but I had the best of intentions of sticking with it. I told him I was a former smoker, but I lied by omission about starting back up (not long at all after we started seriously dating). I should have been more honest in the beginning about not feeling that I had truly kicked the habit, because I hadn't. I still had my bad days at that point. I have never made excuses for those lies, and I have tried to make it a point to be honest when I slip up now. I'm just a little gun shy due to him getting so upset.

[Rana]

I agree with ChickieChicks. He assumed/thought you were a reformed smoker, so to suddenly learn that you were hiding it... and then by your words, that you quit again, but then he knows that you smoked again, (quit/start/quit/start)... I mean, I would also be upset.

Either you are a smoker or you're not and if you're telling me that you don't want to be a smoker, then yes, I will come down hard on you, especially if that's not what I signed up for.

So, don't get angry at him. But do get honest with him. If smoking is going to be your only coping mechanism, then you need to tell him that this is your position -- you will smoke again and that you will quit again and that you find it very difficult to stop because it's such a part of your life.

Then let him tell you how HE feels about it. And really listen to him. You may not like what he says, but he's entitled to his feelings on this. Smoking is kind of a big deal, like Sinoia mentioned.