I have this friend who I've known for over 15 years. We've definitely grown apart over the years, and recently she was in some legal trouble, went to jail for about a month, got out, got evicted from her house, moved, and is now on unemployment. Rough times for her, but I can't help but want to distance myself even further! I feel bad and wish that she'd have chosen a different path, for sure. She recently messaged me of facebook and asked me to file her unemployment claim for her, in the message she included the link to the site, her ssn#, and all of the other things needed to file the claim on her, it needed to be done by midnight or she wouldn't get her check for the week. She doesn't have a phone and only can communicate via facebook from her local library. I found it a little presumptuous for her to ask me the favor and before I could say yes or no, basically assume I would and include how to do it. Anyway, I did it because there wasn't any time to tell her I wasn't comfortable doing it and I didn't want her to lose the money. But I don't want to do it again! I feel like if she can figure out a way to message me on facebook she can file her own unemployment claim! How do I word a response letting her know I won't do it again, without coming across like a total b!tch?
I find myself in this type of situation a lot. They aren't big favors, but it gets annoying doing crap for people they can easily do for themselves!!! I already have 2 kids and a husband I do endless amounts of things for. Seems like none of the people I do stuff for EVER do things for me (not that I ask), but I just get sick of it, I end up feeling used because half the time they don't contact me unless they need something. In fact I haven't heard from this friend since she asked me to write her a letter of recommendation to aid in her job search, and by the way asked for a dozen copies (I don't know why she couldn't make the copies). Any individual favor wouldn't bother me, it's mainly the fact that it happens a lot, and these people are all adults at least in their mid twenties if not closer to forty!
How do I say no to things without coming across petty. Or do I just say screw it and sound petty?
LOL, I'm likely not the one to give the best person to ask this, because I tend to come off as a B, but.. lol. I would say something like... 'i did this for you this time only, because it was short notice and i didn't want you to go without that week - however, i won't be able to do it again. since you explained how to do it, and had access to a computer at the library, you must already know how. i'm sorry, i have many things going on everyday in my own life and i can't be depended on right now about something so important. thanks.'
Or something like that. I don't know that I would have even done it for her, depending on how short of notice it was, but I'm mean and have no patience for lazy people, lol.
I would tell her you won't be doing it again. You have your own family you need to worry about, and I'm pretty sure you could get into BIG trouble for that. It would be considered fraud or something. If she can get to the library, she can go to someone's house and use their phone.
Let her know you're not comfortable doing it due to the potential legal issues if the state found out. Let her know you hope she'll find time to complete the form while she's at the library as you will be unable to help her with this in the future.
Legal issues are probably very rare but I'd be more afraid of someone opening accounts in her name using her social and it coming back to you because you knew her SS#. I just don't trust people like this. It's sad, yeah, but at some point you've got to help yourself. Get off FB and file your unemployment!
I agree - it's a legal issue. I can't believe she would message her ss#! That's scary. How about telling her you will help her find a way to do it herself - either via phone or computer. Then you're done and you won't feel bad because "you helped her to fish."
I would've told her how to do it, rather than doing it for her. Makes you wonder how she got to where she is. If you can't take responsibility, then you aren't gonna last. If I was in that position, Facebook is one of the last places I'd be.
You gotta stand up for yourself. My mom's the same way. No matter how desperate she is, don't do anything else for her again. You can show her how to do things, but that's it, or she'll never learn.
I agree...if she can get to a computer to go on facebook, she can login to the unemployment site or if it needs to be done by phone most of the time she can borrow a phone to make a call, usually they have a toll-free #.
I almost always come across as a BIT**..lol. I would just message her and tell her "jane, I did this as a favor but will not be able to do this again for you because you need to be more responsible for your own situation. I dont mind helping you out sometimes but this is not something I feel comfortable doing again."
@Spiritix - She knows how to do it, she sent me very detailed instructions on how to do it. She said she can't access the website from the library (for whatever reason -- which still isn't my problem). I'm sure there are places besides the library in which the internet is accessible though! For sure!
You guys are right about the ssn#! I hadn't even thought of that. I deleted the message from my inbox and messaged her suggesting she delete it from her outbox, if she hadn't already. So glad you guys brought that up!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dedicated2012
I agree...if she can get to a computer to go on facebook, she can login to the unemployment site or if it needs to be done by phone most of the time she can borrow a phone to make a call, usually they have a toll-free #.
I almost always come across as a BIT**..lol. I would just message her and tell her "jane, I did this as a favor but will not be able to do this again for you because you need to be more responsible for your own situation. I dont mind helping you out sometimes but this is not something I feel comfortable doing again."
You're exactly right. I like that wording too, thank you!
I too am VERY straight forward (you have to be) & just let her know this was a 1 time thing sweetheart . You DO NOT feel comfy doing this & will NOT put yourself @ risk for any monkey shines like this again.
IF she get's mad she will just have to get glad again HER loss if she gets bent out of shape.
Last edited by 1spunkygal; 10-05-2012 at 05:00 PM.
well here in virginia you can file umemployeement online n over the phone. **** with gas prices like they r they will even let you job hunt by phone! i understand how u feel tho i have a few "friends" that way too! only hear from them when they need something or in trouble n i end to let my inner ***** fly from time to time... tough love
I don't think its petty at all to tell this "friend" that you aren't going to do this for her. It was extremely presumptuous of her to ask you in the first place. But if she thinks you are being petty, I say screw it and sound petty! Do you really care what she thinks? I wouldn't.
Hmmm, never thought about it being fraud. There's no lying going on. But either way I'm not doing it again.
I'm just going to flat out tell her. I can't think of a way that won't make her mad.
I am hyper sensitive to shady, potentially illegal situations. My dad is really good at bleeding women dry monetarily and emotionally then moving on.
He married this woman (4th marriage?) who was in good financial shape, house with land, horses, rental property, RV, etc. Eventually I guess her daughter was PO'd about something and sued them both. My dad had the audacity to ask me to put some of the property in my name. I was very young and didn't know the full legality of that but I just knew it wasn't right.
Last I heard they were living in the RV on some property in another state.
People like you and me, I call pushovers. Sometimes we just have to learn how to say 'no'. I find it very hard to do , especially if I know that it's within my ability to be able to help the other person. But sometimes, people just need to STOP asking and fend for themselves!
"Can you do me a favor?" Rant
