My husband is the exact same way. I like to call him Mr. Melodramatic. Sometimes I'll laugh and tell him that we're going to go broke just like last time this happened and we didn't go broke, or sometimes I'll console him and remind him how we have always been taken care of and others, I just ignore it. So what if he acts like the world is going to end because he's got to by new dress blues or whatever, he'll buy them, come home, go to sleep, wake back up and the world will continue as normal. There are many things in a relationship to spend your time worrying about..., this isn't one of them. As long as his feelings stay feelings and he doesn't start reacting rashly because of his worries, it's no big deal, at least not for you.
Let me start by saying, his pessimism can get better if he chooses to allow it. I know this because it has been my experience. I have been on both sides of the coin. I was once a person prone to anxiety attacks, bouts of nervousness, and severe depression. I was prescribed Cymbalta for depression and anxiety and Xanax to stop the attacks. Nothing really worked for me; I still woke up with the proverbial black cloud over my head.
For me the turn around came after a few changes in my life. First, I began volunteering with an Autistic boy in an attitudinal based play-therapy program. Not to over simplify a very complex program, but the basic gist is this: You join in with the autistic child in a one on one environment and let them lead while you maintain a state of non-judgement. That means, if the kid wants to ignore your existence for 2 hours, scream at the top of their lungs and run in circles, than you do that too and find your love in it. Seems simple but let me tell you, it drags up all sort of knee-jerk crap you have buried inside you. "He doesn't like me." "I'm not fun, that's why he doesn't want to play with me." "I'm a bad person" etc.
It's hard to really describe but basically it is playing while practicing The Option Method. Which brings me to change number two: The Option Method. Option again is a simple/complex program that allows you to take back control of your own emotions by making them yours again. Essentially, happiness is a choice and you have the option to choose it or not. That when we deem something as bad or good we are judging that thing based on our beliefs and by examining our beliefs we come to learn more of ourselves. It also removes us from the role of victim, since no one every MAKES you feel anything. No one MAKES you sad or mad or furious. They may cause a stimulus that triggers your own beliefs but it is your choice to react as you do.
An example would be mean things strangers said to me in the past. I have had people, strangers, make hurtful and hateful remarks about my weight. In the past it "made" me feel incredibly depressed and unworthy as a human being. I came to realize that I held my own beliefs about my value and self worth, or lack-thereof . "I don't deserve to be treated with basic human dignity," was the belief I held and so when someone didn't it reinforced that belief.
Today, I believe that a person who can say such hurtful things to a total stranger is probably a really miserable person, someone who probably has their own self-hatred, has no sense of their Shadow and engages in shadow projection, (Jungian Theory) and hasn't grown much as a person in this life. The same words that were said to me before can be said again but I have a profoundly different emotional reaction. The stimulus has not changed. I have. My beliefs have.
I would suggest that you encourage your fiance to go with you to volunteer somewhere. Perhaps in a food kitchen, a senior home or an animal shelter. Wherever. In my opinion, volunteer service not only helps give you perspective on all the amazing things one has to be grateful for, helping a fellow human being makes you feel good. I always say that volunteering is almost a selfish act because it makes me feel good.
I would also suggest the book, Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman. It certainly changed my life. This doesn't mean that I live a perfect life or that I am never sad. I am sad when I choose to be, when I need to grieve a bit or reflect. But it is my choice and I am free to move on from it when I am ready. I am still on my own personal journey and I hope to be on it for the rest of my life but I haven't seen that dark cloud hanging out for a long time. And that alone is enough for me to celebrate.
I think its very much possible to change his attitudes aka his personality.
Be blunt next time.. "oh thats not a big deal." No pity tone, no sad, no nothing. Straight up. I think sometimes we can be a little childish and whine for no good reason, sometimes its nice to have someone remind us that it really isnt a big deal.. life will go on.
I feel like hes also looking for a way to get babied by you.. just make sure that wont happen. Unless you want it to?
I'm a fairly sensitive person I try to not be and I try to be aware when I am being overly sensitive. So when I tell my natural empathetic instincts to ignore a situation I feel like an awful person, but I can't react fakely either, and pretend like I care, I'm just a genuine person. So what do I do? Do I just ignore him when he's being negative do I react sarcastically and over react to make him see he's bein silly, or do I attempt to act concerned which can be tiring when it's happening everyday.
Maybe there's something wrong with me :/
There's nothing wrong with you. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person) and I have been in a relationship with someone for 7 years who is like your fiance. I cannot live with it, so we are breaking up.
I found my personality started changing to be more like his, because I was constantly surrounded by his negative outlook and "woe is me" and "I am cursed, everything bad happens to me" type personality. My energy was drained, I became a negative, lonely, depressed, irritable person.
Near the end I have tried to really distance myself from his negativity, and when he text attacks me with his latest catastrophe, I ignore it. Yes, I feel like a horrible person, but after a few hours he calms down and has moved on, and I realize, he just wanted to bring me into his drama. He is not offended when I don't participate.
So my advice to you is to step back a little and not participate in the negativity. Don't reassure, don't baby, don't coddle, because once a person with this type of personality knows they can get what they need from you, they begin to look for it 24/7 and it will drain you of everything.
I know you said you were happy with him, so I'm not trying to say anything here, just to make you aware that if you choose to stay with him you need to create some boundaries around this issue RIGHT NOW and stick with them!
Your fiance sounds a lot like I used to be! Luckily for me, my ex-husband had a psychology background and was able to help me overcome some of it.
The most important thing for me was to have it pointed out when things ended up NOT being a big deal. Like, I'd freak out about something, my ex would tell me it would all work out, and then if it did work out it just seemed sort of neutral and I didn't notice it. But when he would say "Remember when I said everything would work out ok? Do you see how we solved the problem? Notice these things we did to get here... and where your emotional reactions helped or hindered the process... and which of your fears were unfounded."
Only by analyzing the situation after it happened did I finally start to believe him most of the time when he said it would be ok.. and eventually, I gained the skill to tell MYSELF it would be ok.
I wish I knew how to help him cope with things, maybe he and I can both learn to handle the situations that come up. We both had pretty horrific exes and walked out of them and found each other a year or so later and I think we are still helping each other heal and learn, and maybe he still has a lot of healing to do, idk
My advice?
That IS how he copes!
Maybe thinking about the worst case scenario is his way of coping. If things go wrong, he was expecting it. If things don't go wrong, then .
I don't think if you're going to change him, but you can "model" good, optimistic thoughts. I tend to be optimistic too and I've rubbed off on my boyfriend who is a very glass half-empty kind of guy.
The thing is, if he is depressed about other things in life, it's going to hit him harder whenever anything small happens to him too. If he's saying "we can't ever catch a break", it means that he's feeling depressed about X, Y, and Z that happened earlier.
As for the driving in the night, that's up to him too. You can give him advice, but he's an adult. And you should tell him that his decision to drive when he was tired affects you too because you worry about him. But also don't chastise him, as he is an adult and he should be able to learn from his decisions -- i.e. maybe next time, he'll just sleep it off on the side of the road or get a hotel or not drive at all.
But I'm not sure you can change him, especially if he's coming out of a negative relationship too. You can just encourage him and let him cope as he sees fit. If it doesn't get better and this begins to affect his life, you may want to help him see a counselor to see if he is clinically depressed and really needs help in that way. But if it's just part of his personality, I'm not sure you can really change him.
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