Usually, I would do this on Facebook, but my mom's on Facebook and I don't particularly enjoy hiding stuff from her. Plus maybe you guys can help a little, because I just realized how bad it's getting.
My brother is two years younger than me, so that makes him 16, and he's basically my polar opposite. I'm quiet, he's loud, I'm an artist person, he's a sports person, I like platforming games, he likes shooting games. But, we do get along sometimes, primarily when our parents aren't around, and we'll talk about all kinds of things like the intelligent people we know we are.
The thing is though, ever since, I think middle school, he's progressively started being more rude to my mother, and my mother has been letting him get away with it. He'll do weird, sometimes funny things, that can be annoying, like biting our mother's shirt? I don't even know, but he'll also pretend he's in a boxing match with her when she's trying to walk somewhere, and he'll bounce backwards to keep up with her pace, and it's annoying. He'll do that with me too sometimes. That's just scratching the surface though, it gets a lot worse.
I think it's safe to say my brother's spoiled. He gets all kinds of junk all the time. He has a TON of movies, not to mention games. I mean, to an extent I'm spoiled because mom likes getting me stuff too, but lately I haven't been asking for the stuff I want because I'm an adult now and I need to find a job to earn money for the stuff I want, which isn't even that much because I hate spending money. Anyway, despite all the stuff he gets, he's still blatantly rude to our mother and she just puts up with it, for most part.
My brother has told me about how at school, he'll throw fake punches at his friends, backtalk teachers, and overall gets away with being awful to other teachers, like his friends. Because he's been benching insane weight now, he's not afraid to get in fights with anyone because he's confident he'll win.
So, my brother has developed an overall disregard for authority. Not to mention his horrible attitude about everyone else's opinion, and him being highly territorial. My dad? He barely does anything, and he's one of the few people who can keep him down. My brother doesn't like my dad and hopes to one day out-grow him and be able to take him down (our dad's an ex-marine). I should mention I'm more like our dad and he's more like our mom.
The reason why I decided to post was because I was woken up this morning by my brother and mother cursing oblivion at each other and yelling at the top of their lungs. My brother is very hard to get up in the morning, not even an alarm will get him up, and it's one of the things my mom hates doing, especially when he stays up late and has more of a reason not to get up. My mom mentioned this time that he hit her, and I guess that's what set the argument off. I don't mind hearing cussing, it's hearing yelling, and even being woken up by it. The dogs, who were in my room with me, obviously weren't happy about it either. I know I'm 18, and I'm able to leave the house at this point, but I haven't ever had a job yet, and I'm in school, and it'd just be best if I stayed, but as soon as I can transfer to a four-year college, I'm sure as h*ll going to dorm. I'm trying to get a job so that I can start saving for whatever's coming up for me.
Despite all this, I truly think he really does love our mom, and me, and maybe our dad, but he just has a really weird way of showing it. He just doesn't understand why he should show respect to some people, and as I've said, he's intelligent, and he's right: some people don't deserve respect. But that doesn't mean you should get away with being rude to them. Especially when they have the ability to screw you over, just because. I really wish there was some way I could start fixing him before he gets in deep trouble, but at the same time, I just want to give up on him, and see what happens and let him learn the hard way. I'm not very good at debating, so when me and him are getting along and talking, I can't tell him how to act, seeing as he's stronger than me. It really pisses me off that he literally thinks he's the man of the house when our dad still holds that position.
Okay... I think I'm done... I appreciate anyone who read this, and I appreciate it further if you're willing to share your ideas about the issue and maybe offer suggestions as to what I should do, because I don't think I can get my mom to start being stricter on him (I'm actually fairly submissive and think I should follow orders no matter what, to a degree).
You said he is benching an insane amount of weight now... I hate to ask, but do you think he's using steroids? Because that would certainly account for some, if not all, of that "fighting" attitude.
In general, you're NOT the parent here, but I understand you wanting to have some peace & quiet in your own family unit. I grew up with a "mean" brother who endlessly tormented me when my parents weren't around and yes, he was much stronger than me and I endured verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse... but I DID fight back (I am just that way) even if it meant getting my a** kicked. Fast forward to adulthood and he & I are pretty close now (even tho we live 300 miles apart) and we can talk about anything, disagree & still respect each other's position. I guess you can say we just finally grew up.
Unfortunately, it's really up to your mom & dad to deal with your brother's attitude and actions. But that doesn't mean you can't put your 2cents in. I think the famous quote by Edmund Burke kinda applies here "All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing" (not saying your brother is evil!!) Don't just be submissive & "do nothing". Speak up; speak out - let your concerns be heard.
And good luck to you.
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 09-21-2012 at 10:10 AM.
Wait. Did you say that your brother hit your mother? This is unacceptable in small children (but somewhat more understandable and less dangerous), but a 16-year-old boy is nearly a full grown man. Not only is this dangerous, but he is simply old enough to know better.
I work with high school students every day. Actually, I work with mostly alternative education students, so I've seen my share of attitudes just in my first six weeks of teaching. It's pretty natural for some boys and girls around this age to become defiant against authority. This is generally a good, though annoying, thing. By questioning the rules of authority and seeing its hypocrisies, kids often come into their own. Students are still creating their senses of self, and all around them, the world is still trying to control them. In their minds, they are adults, yet they are still bound by the rules of children. It's understandably frustrating, even if they can't see that the rules are for their own protection. I remember being quite frustrated as a teenager, and yes, I remember giving plenty of attitude in those days as well. That's all pretty par for the course.
Your brother's violence and general attitude towards his peers as well as teachers suggests that there is a more serious issue at hand, however. Is this a new pattern, or has your brother always been defiant and disrespectul of peers' and family members' personal spaces/feelings? I'm not a psychologist, but I would suggest your mother research ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). Even if your brother would not be classified as ODD, your mother may find some useful tools to help manage your brother.
Your mother certainly needs a no-tolerance violence policy. If he hits her or anyone else in the household, he needs to understand that there will be consequences. I'm not talking about being grounded. I'm talking about calling the police. Domestic abuse does not have to come from a spouse or partner, and if your brother is hitting/harassing your mother, I, as well as the police, would consider this domestic abuse. There is a mother of a student in my program who is much in the same position as your mother, and the school system, as well as the school counselor, gave her much of the same advice.
I would of course also suggest that your mother find professional help for your brother if his anger issues/defiance persist.
Last edited by Song of Surly; 09-21-2012 at 10:17 AM.
Uh, sorry. I gave all that advice to your mother, and I didn't mention anything to help you. My advice would be not to engage your brother in arguments if at all possible, but speak up for yourself in the household. This doesn't have to be a yelling match. During those times that you and your brother talk, why not try to explain, very calmly and without finger pointing, how his BEHAVIOR makes you feel. Try to express this with love and understanding, but don't let him walk all over you either.
Beach Patrol - No, I don't think he does. I don't know exactly where he's at, but I think he's around the 300's? I don't think he does a lot of reps, he's just able to get them up and down a few times. But even then, he's not into drugs. He tells us about how there are a lot of drugs at his school, but I highly doubt he does steroids. Anyway, I went to a way better high school than he does, so I guess I'm just not used to the usually violent behavior of teenage boys. Literally, there was like, one or two fights a year at my school, versus one or two fights a week at his. Conversely, I have gotten in a couple fights with my brother, but since my legs are stronger than my arms, I just kicked the crap outta him during those fights, and he wasn't ever able to hurt me.
Song of Surly - I don't think it was a very serious hit, not like a punch or anything. When he's half asleep, he barely realizes anything he's doing. My mom popped him in the head apparently after that. Later today they were just laughing about it. He's always had a bad time managing anger. And he knows it. He's just not willing to do anything about it.
Part of the problem with calling the police is I don't think anyone here thinks it's serous enough. Not even me. He constantly says he's just playing, and even though it can be extremely annoying, we all know my dad could take him if it ever got to that level, not that I believe it will. My mom says my brother is exactly like her brother when they were younger. I barely know my uncle, but if he's decent enough to get married and have a kid, then hopefully this is just his teenage phase, like Beach Patrol said.
I could have written this myself a few years ago. My brother and I are 3 years apart (him being younger) and he acted exactly like your brother does.
They are teenage boys. This is what they do. Its up to your mother to stop it if she doesn't want it to happen, but it sounds like she doesn't mind (although it is 8am where I am so I could have missed something since I just woke up!)
Just ignore it. He will grow out of it. You say that you were spoiled, but now your an adult so you don't want stuff. However, he's not an adult so he can be spoiled just like you were (and it doesn't say that you protested being spoiled when you were his age).
Boys in general take longer to mature. Where I was at 16 was a completely different spot then where my brother was at when he was 16. When i was 19, I was already married and living on my own while attending school. He's 19 now and is crashing on our couch since he can't hold a job since he likes partying with friends and romancing girls. However, he's only 19 and I understand that its what most young people do and that I (not him) was the exception.
I remember when my brother was in school, my parents and him would SCREAM all morning. He has 4 ALARM CLOCKS! All of them would be going off and he would still just be sleeping. You could not get that boy up for the life of you. Finally, at almost 20 he is actually showing progress. He has not missed a day in the past 3 months of the new job he got. He gets up at 6am some days and is always on time. Before that, he would call in sick on his 2nd day, all bcuz he stayed up until 2am partying.
However, he still has an attitude problem. He is growing out of it thank god, but before hand if you even said "hello" to him in what he thought was the wrong tone, he would lose it on you and ask you why YOU are being such a snot or something. Him and my parents would fight all the time. In the end we all love eachother, its just some boys hit the "14 year old girl stage" a bit later in life lol!
I will also add that because of his attitude, there have been a few punches thrown here and there (between my father and him. The only time he hit my mother was the time he got thrown to the floor by me, never happened again and I doubt it ever will since he has grown up now). However, out of ALL the males I know, out of all the classes I've taken about family life, it is actually quite normal. I am not talking about the beating eachother every night. I am talking about the small argument once every 2 years that got a bit out of hand between to the two males. Things like that. Happens in most families.
As a mom of a 17yr old boy, I have to agree that some of this aggressive posturing is par for the course at this age. My own son is somewhat of a hot head himself. But I do hope that with time he will mature.
However, hitting your mom is never ok. I wouldn't tolerate it and my son knows that. I understand that he hit your mom while she was waking him up but still not ok in my book. Does your dad know about this? My husband would flip out! In your situation I would try to make it clear in front of your entire family how much it hurts you that your brother hit your mom. Geez, the outside world is tough enough! The one soft and accepting place we all need is in our homes with our family.
Song of Surly - I don't think it was a very serious hit, not like a punch or anything. When he's half asleep, he barely realizes anything he's doing. My mom popped him in the head apparently after that. Later today they were just laughing about it. He's always had a bad time managing anger. And he knows it. He's just not willing to do anything about it.
Part of the problem with calling the police is I don't think anyone here thinks it's serous enough. Not even me. He constantly says he's just playing, and even though it can be extremely annoying, we all know my dad could take him if it ever got to that level, not that I believe it will. My mom says my brother is exactly like her brother when they were younger. I barely know my uncle, but if he's decent enough to get married and have a kid, then hopefully this is just his teenage phase, like Beach Patrol said.
Ohhhh, okay. Sorry. The line of work I'm in sometimes leaves me imagining the worst. Your mother should definitely create clear rules about him not being able to hit around on you guys playfully, but yeah, if it's not serious, then certainly no one should call the police. That would be a little insane.
If it's more playful romping, then yeah, it sounds like annoying teenage boy syndrome. Like the others have said, he will most likely grow out of it. He'll probably learn eventually that physically bullying/overpowering people, even if it's just for fun, isn't socially acceptable behavior.
Well, if this is just a phase, I'm happy that it's not gonna be permanent... hopefully. Maybe I will tell my mom how I'd like her to be a little more strict, but I doubt it'll last.
Thank you everyone for your input! I appreciate learning more about how teenage boys act, lol. I think when he gets into college, the atmosphere will definitely help him grow up, since I don't think he's gonna go to some university, and just community college like me.
Am I allowed to rant about my brother?
The line of work I'm in sometimes leaves me imagining the worst. Your mother should definitely create clear rules about him not being able to hit around on you guys playfully, but yeah, if it's not serious, then certainly no one should call the police. That would be a little insane.
I appreciate learning more about how teenage boys act, lol. I think when he gets into college, the atmosphere will definitely help him grow up, since I don't think he's gonna go to some university, and just community college like me.
