My boyfriend has been making comments for the past six months or so about how he would buy me so many things, makeup, clothes, shoes, etc, if I lost weight. He says he's just trying to motivate me, but I think it's depressing, since he has never done any of that so far in the relationship. This is not an issue of me being greedy; he has no obligation to purchase anything for me. I just think that it's somewhat defeating that to me, it's like I'm not worthy of any of that until I'm smaller.
I'm assuming that this is probably just one of those issues of...men and women see things like this differently. Opinions, please? This has been bothering me quite a bit.
Have you explained how you feel to him, just the way you explained it to us? (When both calm, ideally NOT right after he's made a remark.) I know plenty of men who would be able to understand your point.
Good lord, if my husband started trying to bribe me into losing weight, I'd probably smack him and then give him a really stern talking to. If he had done it early in our relationship, I'd have thrown him out! That's a really sh*tty thing to do, especially if he isn't usually at all generous. I'm not at all surprised that this is bothering you--he is practically directly saying that he wishes you were other than how you are. That is extremely demoralizing! Depending on the context, I don't know that you should stand for it!
How does he treat you the rest of the time? Is he responding to you vaguely saying something about wanting to lose weight, or is he coming up with this stuff on his own?
I've explained to him how I feel, but he still makes those sort of comments about once a week. Usually in reference to when he actually notices that I'm exercising more and eating healthier, or when I bring up that I can't eat what he eats. He's typically a very sweet person. When I confront him about the comments, he usually says something along the lines of, "If you're not happy with yourself and want to lose weight, and you talk about it, don't expect me not to get all excited about how good you'll look when you're thin."
As someone who was married to years to a very controlling sociopath, who I would have called "typically a very sweet person", this is not ok. Pay attention to what your heart and mind are saying about these things because they aren't going to change most likely. If he makes you feel like you aren't worth those things unless you are smaller now, this won't get better. Maybe it will be ok with you and you can live with it....
Well, given the timing of his comments, it seems like he really is trying to be a motivator....he's just misguided and the end result is what I would consider cruel....although I don't think he means to be cruel. My husband has never withheld gifts, etc. based on my weight. However, once I was very eager/desperate to lose weight and he said that if I lost 50 lbs. we could go to a tropical vacation. I thought it was great but it didn't motivate me. I had to want it and make monumental efforts to get there and I struggled a lot but it wasn't during the time he made that offer. I think you should tell your boyfriend that this kind of talk only make matters worse. For someone to lose weight, they need (often times, but not all the time) feel love for themselves. They need to feel worthy and withholding good treatment from you based on how much you weigh only makes your feel bad. Feeling bad leads to poor choices in eating, etc. I know you spoke to him and I think that's great, but I think maybe you need to speak to him some more. If he still doesn't get it, tell him not to bring this up again. Also, you shouldn't complain to him about not eating what he eats. Speaking of which.....if he truly wants to support you, he shouldn't eat off limits (to you) foods in front of you. That would be extremely helpful.
Even if he didn't mean it to sound rude, and d-baggy, and harsh, and cruel, it comes off that way. This would not be acceptable to me, but that's just how I am. I would be very offended, you said you already explained to him how you feel and he continues to do this.
I don't complain about not getting to eat what he eats. He often eats icecream, chips, etc and tries to get me to eat it with him and I tell him no. He takes me out to the movies, dinners, buys me stuffed animals, things for the house he knows I'd like, art supplies, things like that. But when it comes to beauty or clothing products, or even when I bring up that I want to buy them, he tells me not to. He said if I buy clothes for myself, or if he buys them for me, I might get too content with how I am now. I know it sounds awful, but he really is a sweetheart almost all of the time. These sort of comments are pretty much the only things that he does or says that upsets me.
He said if I buy clothes for myself, or if he buys them for me, I might get too content with how I am now.
I'm going to be honest. This isn't innocent motivation, he's not happy with the way you are now and wants you to change. You have to decide if you can live with this or not. I can't accept if a spouse/BF doesn't love me unconditionally.
I'd lose the weight and then leave just to piss him off.
If he wants to be helpful, he should encourage you, help with meals, help with exercise....etc
Someone picking on their partner saying you need to lose weight and then I'll buy you some clothes isn't how you motivate someone, it's more likely to have the opposite effect.
Most men do not understand how weight loss for women "works." My husband needs to lose weight himself, and what motivates him, does not motivate me.
We've learned that there is no "good way" to help each other lose weight, because our motivations and goals are different. We've learned that for the most part, weight, weight-loss, and weight loss-motivation efforts and discussions are forbidden topics.
We've agreed that it's ok to say "is there anything I can do to help," and "hey, it looks like you've lost some more weight, that's great."
That's ALL.
The same goes for money issues, we are not allowed to "forbid" the other to buy anything. In fact, even the mildest of critical comments regarding money tends to start an unnecessary argument. We do sometimes argue against each other's purchase plans, but we' ve agreed there are acceptable arguments (we don't have the money right now - or we've been trying to save for something else), and there are unacceptable arguments (such as arguing that it's a foolish or frivolous purchase or questioning the legitimacy of the desire for the purchase).
My husband and I negotiate almost everything. We have to, because we're so different. I can't believe we ended up together, we're so different.
My husband and I sometimes joke that "marriage means never getting what you really want, because everything is a compromise." It's not really true, there are times we take turns getting what we want, and there are times when we both get exactly what we wanted - but geez it's annoying how much of living with a person is compromise.
If one person is always doing the compromising, or doing more or less than their "fair share" the relationship can end up miserable.
You have to set and protect your own "boundaries," whether or not he means well, you have the right to say "I will not accept this in this relationship. Do as I ask or keep your mouth shut on the subject completely."
Then stand your ground.
Hubby and I do it for and to each other a lot. Sometimes we forget which topics/arguments have been banned (but that's ok, we remind each other and we both work hard to remember to do as the other person asks).
If he's not willing to make the effort, this will be a problem (only you can decide how big a problem).
Personally, I would recommend discouraging him from setting rewards for you. That's worked only once in our marriage. Hubby offered to give up some of his unnecessary "toy" budget to pay for my redecorating if I cleaned my craft room (which could have been featured on an episode of Hoarders).
I don't imagine a similar situation coming up again. For the most part, we both work best when we determine our own rewards and "extras" budgets.
If you've asked him to stop and he's not, then he is not showing you respect. Remember that You deserve to be cherished and respected unconditionally by a spouse. Never ever ever ever settle for less than that.
In my opinion that is a bad sign... I dated someone like that once- he made me feel less than human because I could look so much better if I were skinny. My fiance' encorages me to buy clothes and things that I like because he knows it makes me feel good, and he doesn't care whether or not I lose weight. He is attracted/turned on by me regardless of my weight (which has gone up since we started dating). He supports my weight loss by pointing out if I am eating past being full (it amazes me that he knows my cues better than I do-he always knows lol), and he is just generally supportive. He wants me to do what MAKES ME HAPPY. What I mean is it sounds lime your boyfriend is placing a lot of emphasis on how much better you will be skinny when in reality in his eyes you should be great now or then. I mean really, if you don't have halfway decent clothes at all sizes it will make you feel crappy about yourself. I dont have many clothes because I cant afford much but when we have extra money he encourages me to get what will make me feel good (clothes, mame-ul, self tanner, whatever ). It seems like your boyfriend tries to shame you out of buying things for the bigger you. Well I am rambling but I hope another talk with him helps him realize how he comes off. If he doesn't improve then you have to decide if you're willing to deal with that sort of attitude.
Last edited by TiffNeedsChange; 06-12-2012 at 01:17 AM.
Reason: Typos, phone is hard to type on!
Definitely rude, my fiancé told me I was beautiful and bought me things that I had no place wearing at my weight (I have a very revealing playboy monokini he bought on the sly so I'd go swimming with him, thankfully I found an old, more modest swimsuit to wear instead, but the monokini is now a goal outfit). I ballooned 50lbs in the year we lived together and he never, ever mentioned it! He supports my weight loss and gets excited about any progress I make but never pushes me to do more than I want to.
Be careful about guys who want to change you. One of my ex's told me I could stand to tone up a bit (I WISH I was the weight I was back then now), two years later I left him after an emotionally and eventually physically abusive relationship. I'm not saying this will be the case with you, but it's definitely a lack of respect (this opinion is solely based on what you've told us on this thread and is only my own, I mean no offense by it)
But when it comes to beauty or clothing products, or even when I bring up that I want to buy them, he tells me not to. He said if I buy clothes for myself, or if he buys them for me, I might get too content with how I am now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaliii
When I confront him about the comments, he usually says something along the lines of, "If you're not happy with yourself and want to lose weight, and you talk about it, don't expect me not to get all excited about how good you'll look when you're thin."
Ouch. I really don't like what either of these comments indicate about this boyfriend of yours. I can tell that you're starting to feel a bit defensive about him--don't, we're not judging you. But he's actively making you feel unattractive and inadequate as you are right now. That's not cool at all. What if you never lost weight, would he still love you? What about if you lost it and then gained it back?
Personally, I don't think I could stand to have a partner like this. I think I'm worth better, and I think you are too.
And please, you deserve to be nicely dressed and nicely put together NOW, not only when you're slim. You deserve to be and feel attractive at any weight.
Helpful or Rude?
