Hey all, Im in a situation where I need advice/tips/wisdom and I feel like I can get some good advice from you all on 3FC.
Here is my situation: I've been with my boyfriend (who I live with) for over a year now. Before we met and starting dating he had a very rocky relationship with a woman, and they have a daughter together who is 8. Their relationship was very off and on again, and several times my bf would get frustrated enough to leave, but always returned again for his relationship with his daughter. Almost 2 years ago he moved to a different province, but maintained a relationship with his daughter through phone calls and visits. He went to visit her over the Christmas holidays in 2011, until one day his ex would not answer to door or buzz him up to her apartment. Crushed, he came back home without even being able to say goodbye to his daughter.
This is where is begins to get messy (or sad and frustrating for lack of a better term). Once he got back home his ex would not return phone calls, emails, or anything. She changed her phone number and even moved within the province to a different city (we only know this through seeing it on her facebook wall). It has been 6 months since he has even spoke to his daughter, but not for lack of trying. We've been in contact with a lawyer to put some sort of contact order in place. (They did not have any court issued child support/visitation rights because for awhile they were mature enough to handle it themselves). Today my bf talked to his lawyer, who unfortunately did not have good news for him, as he is having a hard time even locating his ex. 90% of the time the court will side with the mother, and she is a good mother, except for the fact that she won't let her daughter talk to her father. Also because we live in a different province there are different laws regarding family issues.
My bf is obviously very upset over all of this, and my heart just breaks for him when I see him so upset. He really is a great person, caring, kind and compassionate and doesnt deserve to be treated this way. As an early childhood educator I know how important a paternal figure is in a child's life, and can only imagine what his daughter is feeling right now. I dont want her to ever think that he deserted her, and that he didnt fight for her, because he is fighting tooth and nail just to be able to talk to her.
With all that being said, does anyone have any advice for us? My bf desperately wants to be able to be in contact with his daughter, and has called his ex's mom to find out her new phone number (which she apparently didnt have). I'd greatly appreciate any advice you all have to offer, and even just telling someone this is helping me to feel like I am in some way trying to right this wrong.
Is he on the birth certificate?
Did they have some sort of written custody agreement? (ETA, I see now that they did not)
By what method has he been sending child support money?
I think that engaging the services of a lawyer is a good idea. He should pursue a custody agreement through the courts. Oh, and keep a detailed log of all of his efforts to get in touch with his daughter.
As a single mother I have some sympathy for the custodial parent. Why would a loving father move to another province? Long distance parenting is very wounding and confusing for children. The mother may believe she is acting in her child's interest. After all if a mother left home and moved to another province we would think her unfit. Was he providing proper child support? Not just giving what he could or buying presents but contributing a regular, reliable amount for the child's daily life.
I agree that the lawyer is the best course of action right now. I am not familiar with Canadian law but suspect it's similar to US Law in that fathers have rights to visitation and contact unless they've been deemed unfit. Apparently this lady thinks she can cut off contact but I suspect that she legally cannot and the lawyer should be able to help resume contact. I do have to question why she would take such drastic steps to prevent him from contacting his daughter. If contact does resume, I think he should be very careful and document every visit. Date, time, duration, what they did. Every single time. He may need that documentation later.
midwife - he is on the birth certificate, and has been sending money through bank transfers.
mammasita - we've been keeping very precise records of when he has tried to contact (emails, phone calls, gifts, cards, money, etc.) Paper trails will be our best friend in this case!
Alberta - I can understand how you would empathize with the mother, Im sure that most single mothers would probably too. Originally they lived in MB, but after a break up she moved out east. He moved out there to be closer to his daughter, but couldn't take the constant mood swings, arguments and general nastiness from his ex. He moved back to his home province after they split up, as he couldn't afford to live in their city on his own, and had no support system out there. (I should mention that her family all lives the same province as her) He was most definitely providing proper child support, he spoke to her 2-3 times weekly (if his ex allowed it). Im sorry but your comment about a loving father moving really irks me. By saying that you are basically implying that he didnt love his child enough to stay in the same city, which is not the case in the least.
I think the most important thing to remember here is that he wants to be a part of his child's life, he's not taking this situation as an "out" in any manner. I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but I'm looking for positive advice about this scenario.
EagleRiverDee - We aren't too sure why she stopped contact. I have a sneaking suspicion that she may be jealous, as every time her and my bf broke up in the past he always came back to be with his daughter. Now that he has moved on from the relationship they had, and there's no chance that they will ever get back together, I feel like she is punishing him. She's also had a history depression, and there's a possibility that she isn't taking her meds anymore (which my bf told me changes her into a completely different person).
John P - the lawyer that we have is specializes in family law.
Need advice concerning paternal rights
