Some people's mothers hate them or vice versa and refuse to acknowledge their own daughters. Be glad yours wants to spend time with you and even wants to buy you things. I know, I know, it's like saying "PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN AFRICA" to someone who wants to lose 10 vanity pounds.
Moving out solves a lot of these problems. Have you looked for apartments on Craigslist?
My mom is in her 50-60s and doesn't have a job. She cannot drive (is going blind) so she cannot use things like computers or the stereo recorder which has smaller buttons...
We don't have cabs or taxis around here...so she can't go in a cab. I don't think she would like that idea anyways.
I guess I will just have to deal with it. She is very...I don't know. Well, she doesn't talk to my sister anymore, she hasn't for almost a year. I forget why...I think my sister didn't get her a birthday gift or said something to her. They go through this (my sister is married and lives across town) where they will not talk to each other for months. Usually they make up, but it has been almost a year...
My sister didn't even know she was mad at her. One day out of the blue my sister calls her up to talk to her and my mom answered the phone and said we are not dead yet and hung up!!
So...this is why I walk on egg shells around her and usually let her have her way! But sometimes...there are weekends where I wished I could have done something else for myself!
It's hard to do eldercare. Like I said -- especially when they are not SICK sick but aging, perhaps poorly.
When did Mom last have a check up? Are her faculties mostly ok and it is mainly her being "difficult" or is there more to the story of her health picture?
My dad has been "difficult" for ages and it came to a head and I pretty much think he hits all the flags for Alzheimer! It's a long process to sort out. So my heart goes out to you even as I hope you aren't dealing with that level of stuff.
It's easy enough for those who have never been where you are to say you're whining or that you should appreciate having your Mom or that you should move out and find out what it's REALLY like, but the truth is, they don't get it. They just don't. Unless you've lived through this, you just don't understand not only the mental and emotional drain, but also the physical drain. I highly doubt you are just living there and being a mooch. I'm sure you do more than just take her places on the weekend. The thing is, I've seen this from both sides. And I can tell you, no matter how much I love my Mom, sometimes you just need time for yourself and time with the outside world. It doesn't make you mean or selfish. It doesn't mean that you need to move out and figure out what it's 'really' like. It means you're a normal human being who sometimes needs to do something rather than take care of another adult. There is NOTHING wrong or mean or selfish or any other negative word for that! It is NORMAL!!!!
How do I know both sides? My Grandfather passed away years and years ago. Which left my Granny without anywhere to go. As a result, she moved in with my parents. In the beginning, it was fine and my parents and myself cherished our time with her. I mean, how many little girls (who was actually nearly an adult at that time) get to live with their parents AND their Granny? It was awesome! But as time wore on and her health got worse, the wear and tear on the family got worse and worse. Did we love and respect her less? No. But as I moved out and went on to school and more and more fell on my Mom's shoulders, I saw just how hard it was. The frustration, the guilt, the stress.... it is a lot. Your situation isn't quite so severe yet, but I think people are being harsh on you not understanding what it's like to live it day in and day out. I love my Mom and I love spending time with her. Just like she loved Granny and loved spending time with her. But it takes a toll taking care of others non-stop. That's why being a parent is hard... And that's one thing they never tell you when you are young. That your parents raise you, you grow up, and then one day you wake up and it's like you are more of a parent to them now. It's hard, heartbreaking, stressful, and all those other words.
So, after that long ramble, what is my suggestion? You have a few options. You could ask around and see if there are any family friends, neighbors, or even programs in your neighborhood that help with eldercare. I know you don't want to completely walk away and that's why I say I think the advice to just move out is rough. I just think what you need is HELP. You need just someone who can help out one or two days a week so that every now and again you can have some time for you. And the only way you can do that is by reaching out to your community and finding someone or some group that will be able to give you some guidance, information, and most of all real advice and HELP!
I hope this has helped some. Keep your chin up, enjoy the times that you can, and know that there are ways to make things better. You just have to find those ways and make them work so that not only will your Mom be happy, and you be happy, but your whole family unit will function better and happier. Good luck!!!
Most of the “move out” type comments came from older people. People in their 20s know how hard it is for young people to get their careers going and earn a living wage in this economy. A lot of us who live at home work full time (and then some) and still can’t afford it, even living in a shared apartment with a toolshed used car. It’s a VERY different world from even 5 years ago.
My situation is similar. I turn 26 in August and still live at home. I earned 2 undergraduate degrees. After much stress, pain and heartache looking for real work, I learned I need a masters degree to get the career I want. I work a slightly above minimum wage job which is very related to my career goals. I also attend graduate school. I spend 2-3 days a week up north (with friends) for school and then come home to work. I have no weekend. I work about 35 hours a week and receive loans to pay for school. I buy most of my own food, pay for my car and commuting expenses and still have very little left over. Living at home has been a difficult and humbling experience to say the least (even though I’m not there very much). I used to feel angry when people insinuate that I’m lazy. I know how hard I work and that it's not true. Also that hopefully the end is in sight.
I have had issues with my mother as well. To the point that I decided I don’t want to have a relationship with her once I move out. I learned I need to stay focused on what I am trying to do and not get wrapped up in her drama. I recommend trying to keep busier. I accept that I cannot have ANY down time at home. If I worked 10 hours than watch TV, she comes in and makes comments about my "laziness". Don’t be around when she wants you to do things. Make plans in advance and say you need to be somewhere. Obviously you know your mom better than I do, but if you think a “talk” would be counterproductive, just stop being so available.
You said she has arthritis and is going blind. She is quite young for that, perhaps she is becoming more 'clingy' out of the fear that her life is becoming more and more difficult as her disabilities grow. A lack of independence for her is a very scary prospect, perhaps in her attempts to keep you close, she is going to far. Have you asked her about that.
Most of the “move out” type comments came from older people. People in their 20s know how hard it is for young people to get their careers going and earn a living wage in this economy. A lot of us who live at home work full time (and then some) and still can’t afford it, even living in a shared apartment with a toolshed used car. It’s a VERY different world from even 5 years ago.
I have to agree with this. People are saying "move out" like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Times are tough right now and 20 somethings living at home isn't uncommon. We WANT to move out, but we can't. All of my friends are currently living at home and struggling to find work.
I'm 24 and so is my fiance. We are both frustrated and want to get out. I have a supportive family, he doesn't. He went back to school because of low job prospects and I'm in the midst of trying to get a decent wage. There is no way I'd be able to survive on what I make now. I WANT to move out, I want to start my life, but I can't. I feel stuck and I'm sure others in our age group do too. The OP's situation makes it 1000x worse.
Thanks for the last few posters who were supportive. I don't know how it turned into blaming me instead for not paying rent. I consider this my home, my house...and I think my parents feel the same. I guess eventually after they are gone, I will get the house as my mom has said she doesn't want my sister to get it.
I do consider myself lucky to have such supportive parents. I went to college but really didn't get the job that I am probably qualified for. Right out of college I was faced with the problem of having little experience, and no one wants you if you don't have experience. I was lucky to grab a receptionist job which is now full time, but at first I was working only part time (sometimes only 12 hours a week) at a grocery store!!
My mom has access to my checkbook all day (I leave it at home) she even orders stuff from catalogs or whatever and I will write a check to them for her and she will give me the money back even though I don't ask. I could pay rent to them, but I think that might offend them...and dad has said he would have to show that on his income taxes and mess them up.
I am doing alot better than some of my relatives. My sister and her husband have no job (they don't really want one either) instead they are on disability & SSI even though my sister worked while she was living with my parents before marrying him. They have 2 kids and get checks to buy food & clothes for the kids, but really never buy them what they need or take them to the doctors. My one cousin is on her 4th kid and has no job...she doesn't want a job, she just wants to have kids, again to get more money (and foodstamps) for them. She did have jobs before, but she always quit or got fired from them...
So I am trying to do what I can! And I guess I just wanted to have more fun this summer and go different places and my mom wouldn't want to go to those places-like the zoo, walking/hiking, gym classes ect. that I never did before but since I would be doing those over the weekend, they would overlap when she wanted to do things...and I wanted ideas on how to tell her I want space without upsetting her or hurting her feelings.
