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Old 05-24-2012, 01:16 PM   #16
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I think right now he does view us as casual and nothing serious (at least for right now) because there was a key phrase he used not too long after our second date when I voiced to him that I wasn't comfortable with having sex with someone else (I think I told him about some guy hitting on me; I don't really remember) right after I had sex with him, and he basically told me that if it did happen it wouldn't bother him, as "we aren't attached" (Which I took as: "I'm not your bf, you're not my gf, therefore there's no "rules" here", and rightfully so -- since we haven't made anything official and we're just casually dating, I wouldn't expect him to be all possessive yet). But yes, I do want more than just casual sex -- I spent a little over 2 years in a relationship like that and I do -not- want to do it again.

And the thing is, like I said before, he isn't bothered by me in the slightest which is why I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though I have been doing most of the conversation-initiating, even if he doesn't respond right away, he always DOES respond, and with the exception of the past week usually the conversations are meaningful and flirty. I think he genuinely is just trying to get readjusted -- not to mention I just started a new job, so things are pretty hectic for us both at the moment.

I do think I'm gonna give it some time; give him time to get readjusted and give myself time to get settled in with my job and get used to things. The last time I talked to him was actually a phone conversation (Monday night) and I mentioned us hanging out again and he was getting ready to go to sleep so he mumbled stuff about "yeah definitely", his apartment and something else and then said "so after that"; I don't really know what he said, lol. I haven't even made an attempt to talk to him since then so I think I'm still gonna wait. And with him moving in with his mom, things are probably going to have to start getting a little more public and a little less heated if they do continue, cause we're not gonna have anywhere TO do the latter, lol. Cause I live with my parents, too, and yeah that ain't happenin'. And last time we went out, he kept talking about all the places/things he wants to take me/do with me so thats why I think there's more here... but either way it's still confusing. Men are dumb, lol.
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Old 05-24-2012, 01:30 PM   #17
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I tend to think that women have a tendency to over analyze everything. I think my husband may have 2 or 3 complete thoughts by 9am where I've had about 3 million.

Maybe he really is just busy moving? Give it a little time, but don't hold yourself back waiting for him.

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Old 05-24-2012, 01:37 PM   #18
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Meh. I wish I didn't suck at this so much. It's really hard for me to say no once they start touching me like that. I really don't want him to be a creep, but all signs point to as such. Fml.
Dont be so hard on yourself.

Take it as a lesson learned, be stronger next time and know that you deserve WAY better than for a man to test your limits like that on the first date.
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Old 05-24-2012, 01:39 PM   #19
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I tend to think that women have a tendency to over analyze everything. I think my husband may have 2 or 3 complete thoughts by 9am where I've had about 3 million.

.
WOW~!!! your husband can have more than ONE complete thought by 9am? Does he happen to have a big ol' "S" on his chest and wear a red cape?

I totally agree about women having that tendency to over-analyze everything. Every little word, every little facial expression, every little movement. And not just about our man, either. I constantly try to remind myself that I CANNOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING THRU SOMEONE ELSE'S MIND. Even if they SHARE their "thoughts" with me - there's always a chance they're not expressing themselves well, or leaving something out, or stretching the truth or downright lying -

and seemingly, most men just don't do that. They take what we say (or don't say!) at face value. Sometimes I think men really ARE from mars.
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Old 05-24-2012, 02:39 PM   #20
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Again my recommendation is protect your heart and your health. If you aren't attached then you aren't exclusive. Are you ok with if he is having sex with other girls? Can you be ok with that?

If you aren't ok with that then you could try dating (without intimacy) to see if you guys do like eachother to be exclusive/attached/whatever.
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Old 05-24-2012, 02:46 PM   #21
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This thread made me think of Millionaire Matchmaker......She always tells her clients "NO SEX WITHOUT MONOGOMY". Its so true. It didn't sink in until my 30's but I wish I would have figured it out sooner.
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Old 05-24-2012, 02:52 PM   #22
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We women definitely have a tendancy to over analyze things at times, and it's absolutely possible that this guy is just busy moving and such. But I think if you haven't heard from him in a couple more days, you should think about moving on...if a guy is interested (especially in the beginning stages) I personally don't think he would go that long without contact. A day or two, maybe. But not 4, 5, 6+ days.
I don't want to be a downer, and please don't think I'm trying to be mean! It's still definitely possible that he's just busy. But be prepared for the possibility that he was only interested in sex. I speak from past experience (sigh) and also from seeing my friends go through similar situations. Hopefully this guy is different though!
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Old 05-24-2012, 03:34 PM   #23
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I agree with the other posters that the busy thing doesn't fly. Whenever I have first started a relationship with a guy and we are both SOOO into eachother we go to stupid lengths to hang out together...things like driving to eachother on our breaks for 20 mins to hang out for 5 mins and then drive 20 minutes back!!! Things you would never do once you're out of the 'honey-moon' stage LOL. Or talk late into the night when I should really be studying...skipping clubs...going out every night.

Well you get the idea. It's like that book "He's just not that into you". I know it sucks but we just want you to move on for him so that you're more available for a guy that WILL be THAT into you too! You deserve it!

Also, I think the whole "Yeah next winter we can vacation in Hawaii together and I can show you this great restaurant.." is a thing MANY guys do when they have NOOO intention on being with a girl that long. I have no idea why they do that but I know many that do. So weird.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:04 PM   #24
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This thread made me think of Millionaire Matchmaker......She always tells her clients "NO SEX WITHOUT MONOGOMY". Its so true. It didn't sink in until my 30's but I wish I would have figured it out sooner.
Ahhhh... but "monogomy" can be a week... a month... a year.... I've been monogamous all my life (sex with only one man) but several different times.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:47 PM   #25
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Ahhhh... but "monogomy" can be a week... a month... a year.... I've been monogamous all my life (sex with only one man) but several different times.
Ah, yes. This is true LOL
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:40 PM   #26
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Ahhhh... but "monogomy" can be a week... a month... a year.... I've been monogamous all my life (sex with only one man) but several different times.
Me too!

I also don't think this guy is a creep because he wanted to have sex with you. You wanted to have sex with him. It sucks when we don't communicate about what we want/are looking for so there are expectations that haven't been agreed on.

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Old 05-24-2012, 07:29 PM   #27
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Well, see, I was under the assumption that we both had a particularly good feeling about each other. Ever since we first started talking period, we've both made comments on how strangely comfortable we feel around each other and how being around each other felt really, really natural. Especially on the first and even second date (and even on the third), he has always seemed to almost be surprised at how comfortable he could be with me and how easy I was to get along with -- during the third date, he even made a point to tell me how much he appreciated me being understanding about his moving situation and it was/is like he's not used to having a girl like me around. Apparently, from he way he talks, his previous women have been total sticks in the mud, so I guess he kind of expected me to be the same way. Also, his previous women haven't been so appreciative of chivalrous behavior. I almost wonder if he's intimidated by the way this has turned out. To be honest, I am too.

I honestly thought by the way we interacted with each other that would explain both of our intentions...but I guess not. I probably do need to talk to him about it cause I hate it when guys just leave me hanging -- and really, I don't see him doing that if something really was up because he's told me he's really keen on open communication... I don't know. I think I just need to shut up and relax, lol.
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:55 PM   #28
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Hi, I'm pretty new to these board but this thread really got my attention. A lesson I learned the hard way is don't listen so much to what a person says, look at what they do. Some guys will continually say things are alright and they really like you, continue to have sex with you, and then be otherwise completely noncommittal. He's saying a whole lot to you, but his actions aren't backing it up. A phone call takes 5 minutes. A text: 1 minute. He can stay connected if he wants.

If he's great in bed and you want to keep that going. Go for it. It seems like you want more though and this is not the dude who is going to give it to you. Be kind and honest with yourself. Go meet some other dudes. Date and have fun (most of it sexless).

I don't know but in my world netflix night means sex. Don't go anywhere there is a bed until you really are ready for sex.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:06 PM   #29
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I'll toss in my 2 cents.

I agree with the folks that say you slept with him too soon. Not because I have an issue with premarital sex or even casual sex, but because you were looking for MORE than casual sex. Part of the purpose of waiting is to keep the guy's interest level high by keeping the challenge there but also to make sure he's into you enough to wait a little bit.

Obviously I can only go on what you have said here, but my BS meter is going off with alarm bells on this guy. If he was really into you, he'd be seeing you no matter where he lived. It definitely sounds to me like he got what he wanted and now his interest level is lower because the challenge is gone. It also sounds like he made it clear that this is just friends when he said he wouldn't care if you had sex with someone else. When a guy says that, there is an implied "and you better not care if I have sex with someone else either."

I would cease contacting him. If he's interested, he will pursue you. If he's not interested, you won't hear from him except perhaps when he wants a booty call (which you should say no to). If this is a phase for him and his interest is there, he'll pursue you and even wait to have sex again. But my gut feeling on this guy is that's not what he's after.
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:02 PM   #30
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I was under the assumption that we both had a particularly good feeling about each other.
Quote:
I honestly thought by the way we interacted with each other that would explain both of our intentions...but I guess not.
You assumed. Own it.

If you want to have casual sex, or a lightweight FWB thing or something else... figure it out and lay out the ground rules. And get the buy in before you go there. (HE is at fault too for assuming and not laying HIS ground rules too!)

When I was in my late teens and 20's the rules for me were hygiene oriented. I didn't much care if partner wanted to date other people, I just wanted the heads up if it was looking lover-ly so I could make decisions about my own health then.

It was very no strings.

I was also seeing other people, but only he was lover-ly. We used BCP and condoms -- it was fun, sweet, and light. No pasts, no futures. Just all about the present. It was what I needed at the time and I have no regrets. When I was ready for something more meaningful he was first on my hit list because he played well. (And now we creep on 20 yrs together. Heh. But it wasn't STARTED as a "let's get married and have kids!" type rship. That evolved over time.)

I'm not judging on having sex. I'm judging on NOT laying out the rules before going there, and just assuming things.

What kind of way to run your adult romantic life is that? Did you have the sex talk at least for the hygiene? I hope so.

So learn from that. No more assuming. Take charge of your OWN body and your OWN life and your OWN pleasures.

Quote:
I probably do need to talk to him about it cause I hate it when guys just leave me hanging -- and really, I don't see him doing that if something really was up because he's told me he's really keen on open communication
Yup -- talk it over and get the rules in place here for what kind of rship this is.

Clear the air here -- get his temperature check on where this is at for him, where this is at for you, and if it is too big a mismatch, break it off now while you can part on decent terms.

But don't overthink this and beat yourself up or whatever. It is just SO much easier to schedule a talk and go "Yo, wassup here? Ground rules, dude!" than play "what if" games in your head.

Quote:
... I don't know. I think I just need to shut up and relax, lol.
Do relax about it. (the making yourself crazy stressy part)

But do step it up. (the part about not assuming any more and getting the rules DOWN before you hit the sack.)

This is your adult life here. Be adult.

Quote:
well, this is where it starts: he starts rubbing on me, and it feels good so I allow him to continue. I also notice the more he rubs me, the more daring he gets with where he puts his hands. I continue to let him because at this point I have become putty because his hands feel so nice and well... damn it just felt good!
Quote:
Meh. I wish I didn't suck at this so much. It's really hard for me to say no once they start touching me like that. I really don't want him to be a creep, but all signs point to as such. Fml.
Deciding NOT to say "no" is also a choice, hon. You sound like you wanted it so... Start worrying about how to say YES better! Spare yourself this back and forth biz.

It's fine to enjoy heavy petting, sex, etc -- but before surrendering to the fun, just get the temperature check for what it means to him/you before you enjoy. Play like an adult.

Don't be all teenagery weird about it. OWN your own desires, sexuality, etc. It is fine to have them.

It doesn't have to automatically mean he's a creep because he fails to lay out ground rules. You didn't either.

He could be a creep -- that remains to be seen. But let's stick to one thing at a time. I'm getting that BOTH of you need to learn to get the temperature check more clearly from partners before diving into the pleasure.

GL to you!


A.
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