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Old 05-20-2012, 01:56 AM   #1
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Default Am I wrong? I gotta get a knife outta my back

I feel like 2 of my closest friends stabbed me in the back tonight.

They went to my ex husband's house and partied.

That alone may seem like a back stab on the friendship, but there's way, way way more.

To keep it short, these people know, they looked me in the eye and swore they believed and would uphold my truth that my ex did all of the following to me:
*Constantly uttered accusing atrocities in front of my kids that were total lies ( i.e. I had f*ed someone else - truth was he had done that. I hadn't had a relationship outside of my marriage from him until a year after we were officially divorced.)
*Tried to rape me.
*Assaulted me to the point where my head hit the wall and I had a goose egg bump for two days.
*Tell everyone and anyone how I am "nuts" including last Tuesday when he said those exact words to the kids while I was on the phone with them because he was upset that I locked my house doors while I worked. "Your mother is NUTS because she locks her doors".
*threatened to end my life by telling me he'd "pushing my face in a toilet until I drown".
*Broke my garage door in a fit of rage
*Attempted to break in my house to "see what I bought with 'his' money" - and of course, there was nothing.

See, HE is the abuser. HE is nuts. I try to keep out of his affairs. My friends all know this and know (or at least I thought they did) that he is a cameleon. He is charming and generous until you get to know him.

OMG I even overheard a conversation from him - he stayed in CO to ski at a friend's condo. Friend doesn't charge to stay in condo. My ex was telling this guy that HE owed HIM for something related to his stay - apparently there was a problem with plumbing - omg he got a $3000 break on staying there and he was asking for $300 in plumbing back payment.


Anyway. I was trying to get a hold of 2 of my kids who were at the last minute spending time with their dad while the other two and I bought stuff for our trip fishing in Canada. It was 10 and 11 at night when all the pieces came together.

My D15 was not at dad's. She was at the local beach with two boys.
My S 12 was at dad's and dad is too "tired" to drive him home and he's "too tired" for me to pick him up. D came home with the boys and is currently hanging out in the back yard and I'm the stalking mom looking through the windows trying to avoid them partying or having relations at my house.

Whew! This is all so long. The thing that has me writing here now is that two of my closest friends were partying at my ex's house today.

To me, I'm like, this guy is not better than a rapist/burglar and you know it, so why the heck are you partying with him? AND you told me again and again how you're my best friends. AND you said that his two million dollar lake house means nothing to you.

Really?

I"m thinking i've got two less friends that I thought.

I don't want any thing to do with them right now.

Am I wrong?

What would you do if your best friend partied with and at the home of your ex that was abusive, tried to rape you, threatened to kill you and tried to break into your home?

Wouldn't you not even give them the courtesy of an explanation of why you wont even speak to them again?
Or am I wrong?
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:15 AM   #2
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Nope, I think they aren't very good friends.

Sorry, hon.
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:25 AM   #3
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Nope, you are not wrong. Cut them loose, no explanation necessary. Let them figure it out.
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:28 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Glory87 View Post
Nope, I think they aren't very good friends.

Sorry, hon.
Agreed. Even if you'd let them explain, I can't think of any explanation that would work.

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Old 05-20-2012, 02:43 AM   #5
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Agreed, they are not friends. Turn your back on them. After all you have been through they do not deserve your time and attention and their betrayal is an abuse .. I think you have had more than enough of that.
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:05 AM   #6
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Your relationship with your ex, could be completely different to the one he has with your 2 friends. Meaning he might treat them better and that's why they are there, but having said that... if they know how you feel about him and they have gone there partying... they either don't care what you think or are disrespectful of you or both. I would be querying why they were there if you do get in contact with them. But I think I would be steering clear of them too.
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:21 AM   #7
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sounds like your friends are also good friends with your ex and they don't want to choose sides. there could always be more to the story, right? if it hurts you too much that they are friends with your ex, then cut them loose and turn your back. if you've been friends with them for a long time and they ask why you aren't talking anymore you can tell them why you no longer want to talk and then let it go, no need to draw it out.

Last edited by ringmaster; 05-20-2012 at 03:21 AM.
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Old 05-20-2012, 09:45 AM   #8
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Thanks everyone. It's nice to get some validation. On the other hand, I was really hoping for validation for my friends so that I felt OK keeping them.

In divorce, you gain or lose custody of everything in your life. Friends included.

It's been 4 years of weeding out those who leave being friends with either of us, those who try to keep friendly with both, and then there's those who vow to be your friend, exclusively.

My besties and I even have a name for it. Based on the Bible, we call each other our "Ruths". We studied the Bible together, laughed, cried and bonded over each of our very most personal insecurities and vulneralbilities.

The Ruths know that my ex and his relations with others in my life is my number one.

My family and my boyfriend have been the only ones not to disappoint.

So now I guess I'm looking at either moving away, or going throuh the next ten years raising my children with no Ruths.

So sad.

The best advice you all have given, I think, is to let it go. No explanation, no drawing it out. Just cut the ties and POOF. I'm out.

Thanks. Any other advice is appreciated. A look from the other side would be welcomed. More validation from my side, welcomed, too.

xoxoxo
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Old 05-20-2012, 10:01 AM   #9
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Quote:
The best advice you all have given, I think, is to let it go. No explanation, no drawing it out. Just cut the ties and POOF. I'm out.
I agree with this. Just drop them with no added drama because this would be the less stressful way to go.

I think it's better to be without any friends than to have questionable friends who are not supportive and trustworthy. Besides, you can always make new friends. Do you really feel you'd have to move to do so?

Hmm, perhaps there is a weight loss support group in your area you can attend that could be a source of new friends and weight loss support too?
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Old 05-20-2012, 10:02 AM   #10
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(hugs) I'm so sorry. I lost 2 good friends several yrs ago due to a totally underhanded "friend".

It sounds like maybe this 2 million$ lake house might have seduced them. Have they been friends with him since the divorce or is this a new and sudden friendship? Could it be that they just lost their heads for a minute and didn't realize that it was still a really serious offense on their part? I want to believe that they just don't even realize how badly they screwed up. Can you give it a few days and see if they figure it out? Maybe email a breif explanation (if they are asking)?

I agree with everyone that it is that serious and if you cut them loose you are totally justified. But, it will hurt you to lose them, so if there is a way to let them redeem themselves...maybe it would be worth the friendship? Obviously, they have to be willing to cut him out entirely. Just another perspective.

Keep us posted.
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Old 05-20-2012, 12:18 PM   #11
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It is best to cut them out of your life with no explanation like someone said. I think if they are two faced enough to go hang out with him, than what are they talking to him about???

I had a friend who's husband pulled a lot of her friends and even her family from her and he was just using them for info on her. He'd pile on compliments and drinks and than pump them for information. She had to cut so many people from her life over that.

He's probably just using them right now and will dump them quickly and they will see what a mistake they made picking him over you.

Last edited by CrystalZ10; 05-20-2012 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:09 PM   #12
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What Crystal said RE the using former friends for information about you. Your ex husbad sounds like he's still trying to be controlling. And abusive by making arrangements with your children that he knows you wouldnt approve of to upset you and make you anxious.

I know its painful,but its honestly in your best interest to keep people who have regular contact with your ex at arms length even if they aren't doing things that feel like betrayals.

My father was a really good manipulator, he wasn't violent to me or my Mom thank goodness, but an excellent manipulator all the same and when my father's other life came to light (he had a family with another woman after marrying and while still married to my Mom) everyone was shocked. He got away with it for a surprisingly long time. Almost 10 years and had every appearance of a staid family man who was charming and generous. I dont suggest what he did is the same, but I'm not surprised when people are shocked and are perhaps disbelieving cause I was until I saw proof. I don't blame them. He was that good.

So, if you want to be able to explain why your old friends did that...well its one thing to nod when an upset woman is telling you something and its another to beleive it when you're driving away, especially when you've only ever witnessed the man be charming in generous. To think about it another way, you can't have known about who your ex husband really was for some time, otherwise I don't think you would have married or had children with him, you're such a smart confident woman (at least from your posts on the boards),you simply wouldnt have married him if you knew. So obviously you needed some time to figure it out-and probably so do they. It's nobody's fault really, if he's honestly that good.
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:22 PM   #13
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You need new friends...they really did stab you in the back
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Old 05-20-2012, 03:50 PM   #14
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I learned long ago to ditch toxic people without an explanation.
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Old 05-20-2012, 04:08 PM   #15
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It's difficult to let friends go, especially when you really felt that they were friends but these women are not the kinds of people you need in your life. You deserve better.
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