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Old 05-20-2012, 09:43 PM   #16
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I would cut them off. No friend would EVER hang out with an ex that abused me. And if they did, they weren't friends in the first place.
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Old 05-20-2012, 10:18 PM   #17
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Gogirl, there was a somewhat established friendship before the divorce so they get points for that. Meaning, I can forgive. However, now that I've heard a bit more from my son who finally came home, it sounds like this was an all out rukus of parties and my "friends" really let loose. OMG I would never.

Gmail, you got it right. You SO know what I'm talking about. Sorry for the carp that you went through. I know exactly what you're talking about. I thought my friends understood, too,

Really, though, until someone goes through and gets educated, they all say they understand. There's no way to really understand the abuser until you educate yourself and experience it for yourself.

It's amazing to me how all abusers are just the same. Like they share some sort of manual.

Even after knowing the manual, it's things like this that really throw the vicitm off.

I thought my friends were better educated.

Instead, they were the perfect pawns for my ex to F me in the head again.

I'm back to trusting absolutely nobody.

1 point for him.

Only thing is...I'm not in it to win it. I just want OUT.
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:31 AM   #18
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It's always hard to lose friends, regardless of the circumstances, but you're probably better off. If one of my friends had divorced an abusive husband, out of respect for her and their children I'd just keep my distance from the husband. Even if they were friends before you two got married, your "friends" shoud've politically decline the party invitation to avoid any drama. I mean, did they assume you wouldn't find out?
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Old 05-21-2012, 11:13 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natasha22 View Post
It's always hard to lose friends, regardless of the circumstances, but you're probably better off. If one of my friends had divorced an abusive husband, out of respect for her and their children I'd just keep my distance from the husband. Even if they were friends before you two got married, your "friends" shoud've politically decline the party invitation to avoid any drama. I mean, did they assume you wouldn't find out?
Right? Of course they knew I would find out. 2 of my kids were there!

I wonder at what point did they look at each other and think that this was wrong.

They both have stated they don't like the gf, either. So why would they be there?

There are two things. 1. This isn't the first time I've lost a friend to this same scenario. I have to look at the common factor, and that is: ME. That's why I asked if I am wrong. What am I doing wrong? Is it my perception of the truth? I can't ignore my gut feeling. and 2. I really don't feel a loss. I don't grieve losing these friends. Maybe my gut all along was telling me that there women weren't my "Ruths" afterall.

Go back to the common factor being me. Why the heck do I keep finding these sh*t bag friends?

Is the usual adult population filled with stories like these? Or is it just me? Is this some kind of Karma-payback for being a sh*tty friend in middle school?

All I can do is keep on being real, being me, doing what's right and what is best for others.

It's just, you'd think at some point, I good friend would come along.

I do think I found that in my boyfriend, but there's nothing like a real (REAL) good girl friend.

I have one left. And I don't totally trust her, either.

Does anyone truly have trust in a friend?

Edited to add:
I do have one other very best friend. My roommate from college who lives 600 miles away. She was friends with my ex while we were dating. If she saw him right now, I know from the bottom of my heart, she would try to kill him. LOL
My boyfriend, my dad, and my bestie from college. I always remind them not to bring fire arms if they visit. I don't want the father of my kids dead. I truly think if I gave them the go-ahead, there'd be violence. I'm not saying they'd kill him, but they'd seriously mame him. It's all in jest.

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Old 05-21-2012, 11:25 AM   #20
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they are very toxic, not putting your friendship above partying and need to be cut loose.
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Old 05-21-2012, 11:26 AM   #21
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I learnt a lesson years ago that life is too short to be wasting time on people who don't care and are there for themselves and not for you. Yes it can be frustrating, yes it can hurt, but there are other things you can do for yourself and meet up with new people who will reciprocate the friendship and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I looked to join things where there are groups of people and you build friendships and meet their friends...etc Next thing you have 4 or 5 people you mix with. Life can turn around pretty quick like that.
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Old 05-21-2012, 01:51 PM   #22
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Lets say hypothetically there was something about you that caused these "friends" to go party with your ex. They should still be tactful enough to end the friendship or give you some sort of heads up.

I don't think that's likely however so, we're back to square one. Which is either your friends don't think your ex is really that bad which means they think you're lying or exaggerating about very serious topics OR they don't care that he's a d-bag, presumably because of this appearance to have money, house, lifestyle, etc.

Either scenario means you shouldn't have these people in your life. Life seems to give hit after hit after hit sometimes. I hope it lets up for you soon.
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:00 PM   #23
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I think you're right to cut them off. Find some all new friends. And when I say friends I don't necessarily mean ones you trust. That sounds odd but I think you really only need a couple all out intimate friendships when you have a partner and close family. Then a few friends you can hang out with and do stuff with but who don't necessarily have to be trusted with all your heart.
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Old 05-22-2012, 01:54 AM   #24
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You are doing nothing wrong and trust your gut.
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Old 05-22-2012, 02:50 AM   #25
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Is there a chance that this man is so manipulative that he was able to somehow coerce your friends into attending? Could it be that he is trying to use them to upset you? Have you all fallen for something out of your control? It sounds like it could be that breaking your friendships with these women is something that he wanted to cause. But, that is only a hypothesis.

In any case, you certainly shouldn't second-guess yourself. Do what feels right to you. You're the only one who can decide what the right move is for you to find peace with yourself. Whatever you need, be it asking for explanation or letting these people go from your life, follow your heart and don't worry.

Some friendships last, others don't; and it isn't always up to us. But sometimes it still is, even when it's hard. And no matter what happens, it's never too late to make new friends, and to get to know existing ones a little better. Hang in there.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:17 AM   #26
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#1--stop blaming yourself..this is NOT karma, it is a abusive ex trying to still manipulate you out of his incessant need for control

#2- drop the friends, dont justify in your head what they are doing, yes hes probably being uber charming to your friends for the "control" issue above--in two ways--it will get under your skin and if they are partying their guards will be down and the chameleon will be pumping them for infomation without them even knowing it

#3 what is he doing with your kids is wrong...have faith that they will one day see all his issues for themselves, cause believe me the moment he can no longer manipulate and control them he will turn on them too, it may be a while but it will happpen

you will find friends, I found some of mine on this very site...I have Ruths that I have never met face to face but have my back and give me support
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:49 PM   #27
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Part of me is at a loss for words. You all have nailed everything on the head and I'm happy for your support.

The other part of me have heard very similar words of support from these very friends and I truly thought they "got it".

I spoke with one of them. She explained that the reason she was there is because the friend of the gf told her to pick her daughter up there. Her husband is somewhat friends with my ex. She said she begged him to leave and he was having too much fun with the guys and insisted they stay. She insisted and they were the first to leave. She said she never even talked to ex of his gf because it all seemed so wrong. She told me over and over that she had my back. So I guess she can have my back, but it'll be at an arms length.

The other one texted me. She is weaker in spirit. Afraid of conflict, goes with the in-crowd, etc. She asked if we needed to talk. I responded, "No big deal. Unless there is something you want to say to me."

And her response was, "Oh good! I thought you were mad at me!"

and I replied, "should/would/could I be mad? I'm a big girl and that's why it's no big deal."

She texted, "If it were just me there without my husband, I could see how you'd be mad, but you know that Tom and ex are friends so I'm glad you understand."

Yeah, I understand, alright. I perfectly understand that they didn't take what happened between me and my ex as seriously as it was.

I do not understand how these people can still be friends with a man like that.

So the second friend, is more than an arms length friend.

I'm fine, though. I'm so busy with work and kids and my relationship that I feel no longing for female companions. I've got plenty of support from loved ones. If ever (almost never any more) I find myself alone, I relish in the fact that I'm more than fine riding my bike or jogging or doing work all by myself. In fact, I wish I had more time to myself!

Thanks again. I consider this mini chapter closed.
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