So after a rough 4 months, things are finally starting to look up for me. Quick recap: I graduated from college in December and got immediately dumped (various reasons, boils down to he was a scumbag). In school they made it sound like you would get a job right out of school but that wasn't the case for me. I moved home with my mom who doesn't work and she spends all day mentally torturing me. Just insulting me, saying I'm worthless, that my 2 part time jobs aren't real jobs, why won't I get a JOB, etc.
Things are looking up because I've realized just how big of a piece of crap my ex was and it makes me feel better about him being out of my life. Also, I just got hired! My degree's in biology and I'll be working as a lab technician at a company that does all sorts of testing on medical devices. This will keep me out of the house away from my mom, and I had hoped it would make her happy. Of course it didn't, but that's besides the point, nothing has really changed there. The problem is that even though things seems to be turning up, I feel miserable. Like, incredibly exhausted, crying for no reason, can't summon the emotional energy to go on dates with a guy who I do like, my room is a mess because I can't find a reason to clean it, and so on. To be honest, it's scaring me. I should be happy. I have a great new job related to my degree, and I get to keep my part time job at a theatre (I love that job so much) because the hours work with it. Is this just becoming an adult? Why do I feel this way?
It is becoming an adult. I experienced the same things (three years late, since I got a job teaching English in Japan straight out of college) and my moods were all over the place for months. Move out of your mom's ASAP - I know that moving out damn near fixed all my existential angst, even before I got my "real" job, and my parents are perfectly nice people (what's wrong with your mom, seriously?).
Remove toxic people from your daily life or you will never be happy. Seriously, you need to find a way to get out of living there. Being verbally abused on a daily basis would make anyone miserable, no matter what other good things were happening.
The reality of being an adult can stink sometimes. It comes with alot of responsibility. But it can be some of the best years of your life too.
I remember my first few years out on my own as being so much fun. My first little apartment was a dump, because it was all I could afford. But it was mine and I loved it.
Its time to make good things happen in your life.
Some of it is just startign a new life stage - adulthood - and some of it is a bunch of stress hitting you all at once.
Save that cash from those jobs and start looking for available non-Mom housing. Her belittling you is not good and you do not need that in your life. Grit your teeth and bear if while you need to get some savings and then start looking for roommates or solo apartments anywhere but home.
Keep things you enjoy as your focus. Keep working on staying fit, take your room one piece at a time (maybe clean the dresser today, maybe clean one section of floor tomorrow), reach out to this guy you do like and get out of the house on a date for an hour or two - it will recharge your brain.
Things will eventually fall into place. Might take some time, as with any life change. Work on getting your own housing first. This will be critical to your overall well being.
You don't know why you're miserable, or you don't want to face the reality of why you're miserable?
Look at what you live with, toxic and the more you live with toxic the more it'll bring you down and it doesn't matter what good or great things are happening to you, in the end you will never truly enjoy it until you remove the toxic people from your life.
I suggest since now you have a job, move out of that house ASAP. I don't care if she's your mother, you shouldn't accept that type of abuse from anyone. It takes years to build up self-esteem, self worth, confidence etc...but it only takes one ******* to destroy it in one day.
I grew up in a miserable household. I have trouble now because no one in my fam agrees, but everyone who has seen my fam knows. I quit questioning myself-I used to think that there was something wrong with ME. But then I moved out and life is better. I hate thinking about family memories somethings, makes me rage, but then I think-I can't control who they are, where I grew up. I don't need them to understand this, if they can't that it is their issue. I can only focus on growing as a human being and doing the things that I want to do. I still want therapy to talk it out, but ugh yes, an unhappy environment can have a huge huge huge effect on a person's mental state.
I listened to my gut and it said "You could do with less of me."
Yeah, I agree with Krampus. Becoming an adult is both scary and exciting. Get away from your mom, she sounds like a really difficult person. I am currently living at home and my own mom is driving me nuts! I also had a recent breakup that left me feeling emotionally vulnerable. Congratulations on finding a job- you are on the right path even if you feel stressed and anxious. You just have to take a deep breath and trust yourself. If once you move out you still feel depressed, I really suggest seeking outside help even just for the short term. Therapy and anti-depressants can make a huge difference. -hugs-!!!
Goal 2- 149 (no longer overweight by BMI)
Goal 3- 135
Last edited by elleohelle : 04-28-2012 at 04:33 AM.
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