Help! My insecurity is killing me right now. My husband is a personal trainer.
After being sexually assaulted last year I put on 30 pounds of extra weight. I'm finally trying to lose it and get my self back together. My husband moved back to the States and continues as a personal trainer. He recently moved to a different Gym to work and now claims he doesn't want to have sex with me because he wants to build sexual frustration for his work outs. However, I feel since we had a long distance relationship due to his job requiring him to be in China for a while that he's not attracted to me anymore due to the weight gained. I've seen some of the female trainers and they all have way better bodies than I currently do. I try to work out but he feels uncomfortable training me and says he wont pay for another trainer to train me. We were having sex normal until he started working there. He's only been there for two weeks. I don't know if its just my insecurities or if he has his eye on some one new. I noticed he hasn't been giving me much attention and I've been doing my hair, make up, and even different perfumes in order to catch his eye, but he doesn't notice. Last night I tried to have sex with him but he said he had to go to work in 5 hours, and just cuddled. It never stopped him before but now it does? Then he said he couldn't sleep but didn't try anything with me. I'm becoming really depressed and comfort food seems like my only solution.
But it sounds like you guys need to have a serious talk.
What's the deal here? Is it getting reacquainted after long distance? Is it falling out love after long distance? Is it mismatched sex needs right now that is due to work stress or acclimating at new job? He still has baggage to process from the assault? What the heck IS IT? Name the THING so you can begin to deal!
It's not fair to you to keep you at arm's distance and not talk about what the deal is. That's not relating in a relationship. It just creates a greater distance between you. I hope it's just the temporary stress of a new job and wanting to be "as good as the other trainers" worry.
Sexual assault is a big thing to get over in a relationship You may need to visit a counselor together-one that specializes in this sort of trauma. Sometimes men can't get the image out of their head, and it kills the part of their ego that wants to protect you. Sometimes they are afraid of triggering memories, or they just don't know how to be intimate anymore. In order for you to get closer, you will have to discuss the issues at hand, whatever they may be. Take care, and I hope you feel better soon. Just don't take it out on yourself by eating for comfort.
I don't want to scare you or jump to conclusions, but that can be a sign that something is wrong. I agree with the others, you guys need to have a serious talk. Maybe it's the weight gain, maybe he's afraid of hurting you somehow because of the assault you went through, maybe this really is a way for him to work out harder (though it seems like that's very unfair and hurtful to you)....it could be a number of things. But he's your husband, and he loves you, so hopefully you can work things out by having an open conversation about this. *hugs*
Also, I see you're new here, so I wanted to let you know that the people on here really do give great advice. A lot of people go through hard stuff and it's nice to know that there are so many people on here who can help. We're here for you!
I agree that a serious talk is in order. Whatever the reason really is, it isn't being said. I think that you need to calmly explain what you've said to us, to him, and tell him that you love him and want to know the real reason, even if it hurts, so that you can be the best for each other.
I would also tell him that its unfair that he won't pay for a trainer, nor will he train you himself. It seems a little sabotaging to be honest.
__________________ 1st mini goal - 5% - 266lbs 2nd mini goal - 10% - 253lbs 3rd mini goal - 50lbs lost - 235lbs 4th mini goal - One-derland! 199
Communication is the key to a successful relationship, so I agree with others. Talk to him, who the **** knows whats running through his head he's a man. You could be thinking he doesn't love you or want you because of the way he's been towards. Then you start drawing up all these stories in your head of what it could be and in the end it could just be his motorcycle wouldn't start. I don't know but either way unless you talk to him and tell him how you feel nothing is going to get resolved. Then resentment will happen and eventually lead to a divorce all because two people failed to communicate.
OP, I'm sorry, but this doesn't seem like much of a marriage at all. Save his energy for the gym? Uh, no. My husband competes as a powerlifter and believe me, none of those men refuse a sexual relationship with their wives due to their sport. And quite frankly, he's a TRAINER, not a professional athlete, he does not require raging testosterone to perform his job, just like the thousands of other personal trainers that live their lives as normal.
I would go with your suspicion about there being another woman involved - I'm sorry, it just doesn't make sense otherwise. I'm willing to bet that he has fallen out of love during your time apart.
You should go read marriagebuilders.com - whether it's an affair or something else, it can be useful in helping you restore your marriage.
I think you guys need to talk and probably to a counselor as well. I am thinking his reasoning for not wanting sex has to do with this sexual assault. You are a couple so it happened to both of you and should be dealt with as a couple. You say it's affected you so you've gained weight and you're worried about his fidelity. I am sure he feels a lot of hurt and anger over it and probably worried sick about you but scared to ask. Those feelings may be making things in the love-making dept hard for him. Perhaps his evasion is the only way he knows how to deal with it all. I am sorry that happened to you guys, perhaps this will all make you a stronger couple in the long run. Good things can come from bad things. Expect those good things to come.
Calorie counting gave me a method to fix the madness.
A high protein, moderate carb balance gives me control over cravings.
Comfort food won't fix your marriage or your self-esteem. Getting in great shape and possibly finding an out will. Unless he's a closeted gay, there is no reason for him to be disinterested in sex. 30 pounds will not make or break attraction to someone that was once there.
My husband and i once had this issue...We were going a long time without sex and i tried everything to get him into it but it wasnt working.. i finally sat down with him and asked him what was up.. and he had a couple of reasons
1)work was really stressful
2) he was exhausted most nights after hard days at work
3) ive been "demanding" or "pressuring him to have sex and he doesnt work well under pressure..
Just from these 3 reasons alone, it was causing issues..but once work settled down and i was helping him more at home with chores and i started to ease off of him in regards to are lack of sex..he came back around and life has been good since.
I vote for counseling.... the assault is going to affect both of you.
I was abused growing up, it still becomes an issue on occasion. That's after years of therapy. And I have had to communicate to my husband that there are triggers that he has to avoid, usually the way he asks for "things" in the bedroom. A lot of my abuse was from manipulation & mind games but sexual in nature.
Good luck & don't turn to food. You need to heal, not hide.
Whoa, whoa, whoa ... wait, wait, wait ... it's only been 2 weeks -- that's not a sign of an affair or anything else. Heck, I know people that take a sex break longer than that, and for many different reasons. The fact that your DH cuddles with you shows you that he cares about you.
The first thing to do, is just sit down and talk to him about it. I know the answer he gave you sounds kinda silly, but I wouldn't read so much into it. You did have some time apart, so maybe he got used to that, but you could at least discuss how often you would like to come together, so2speak.
Plus, lots of marriages go through "dry spells" but in time, things get better again (like another poster stated). I mean, we're not talking 2 months or 2 years here, but since it bothers you, talk to him right way; don't put it off. First, try to find out what he's thinking and feeling.