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Vent about hubby and sex life.

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Old 04-13-2012, 04:11 PM   #1
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Default Vent about hubby and sex life.

ARGHHHHHHH! (sorry, had to scream for a second)

I have a rediculously frustrated husband right now who is absoloutly off the hinges mad at me because i refuse to have sex with him. Please understand..this is not me denying him because i am in any way mad or upset..My reason and i hope its not tmi... is that every time we have sex..it feels like my insides are being rubbed with sandpaper..It hurts!! cause im all tight..Why am i tight? Because my husband only bothers to have sex once a week...so two things occur... 1) I get all tight and dry and 2) I lose my sex drive..

Thats right..you heard me.. I LOSE MY SEX DRIVE. It seems like if i dont have sex every couple of days, my mojo goes missing..So its been almost 3 weeks...and we have been trying to deal with this issue and basically it pretty much goes like this :

Hubby : I want to have sex with you and be intimate
Wife: Every time we have sex it hurts really bad
Hubby:Well maybe we can do it more often than once a week
Wife: Well youve been saying that for the past 3 years but youve never made a change to our sex life so im not sure that i believe you
Hubby: Well i feel so distant from you
Wife: Well, we just need to find other ways to be loving towards each other that are just non-sexual.
Hubby: I just dont understand why we cant turn you on and we can have sex
Wife: Because your lazy and you dont try and ive lost my sex drive and i dont even have a significant interest in it.

This conversation happens every couple of days..He cant understand that i have no physical desire to have sex.. i have literally lost my mojo..In fact, its to the point, where i dont even know what turns me on anymore..and in fact.. i dont even masturbate anymore because i cant get turned on enough to want to.

I love my husband and i have offered him the opportunity to have sex in the event of meeting his needs physically. He wants me to participate and stuff and i dont really want to but i offered to be a ...u know.. for him to use..and he doesnt want that..

What do i do? Are marriage that just started is going downhill.
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:36 PM   #2
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It sounds like y'all need to reconnect. Start from scratch type thing. Maybe go out on a date and do something FUN together. Talk, laugh, have some drinks relax. Make out, cuddle, all that stuff-then maybe the sex will come back naturally. I actually have lost my drive because my boyfriend is LAZY-he does nothing around the house and makes a huge mess all the time and expects me to clean it(because god knows he won't do it). That is a major turn off, then he Wonders why I don't pursue him-he would be happy with daily sex but I can't gt in the mood because the romance is dead. He does nothing romantic or thoughtful-though I know he loves and cares for me and never talks down to me(execpt on a couple of instances). But anyway, maybe you should figure out what else the relationship needs because sometimes no sex is the result of a million other issues. Try foreplay, good lube, massages, etc when it gets to that point. Meh, I was reading another sec related thread last night and it got me thinking about this issue -is very frustrating because you don't want sex because of what they're not doing and they say they don't do it because they don't feel wanted. It is a viscous cycle.
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:46 PM   #3
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I definitely recommend something like KY Jelly as a lubricant. I have heard that Maca is a natural sex drive stimulant. Maybe you could take some and your husband too (to increase his desire for more frequency). It also sounds like there's some tension between you....perhaps a good therapist is a possibility? As far as I've noticed, men need very explicit directions. So, tell him you want a real date and you want to go out to a nice dinner or for a walk and you want some flowers, etc. maybe you could rent a romantic movie and cuddle as you watch it?

I don't think he should have to engage in sex more than once a week just like you don't have to engage in it too much. I do think that perhaps you could get a sex toy and have a little fun on your own? Talk about TMI, eh? That way, things could be moving along at the pace you prefer.

Either way, I hope you figure it out since you have the most important element: love.
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:56 PM   #4
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Honestly, you sound angry that he's not intimate more than once a week, but then you refuse him when he makes a move or tries to talk about it. To be honest, if the convo you wrote is accurate in terms of how you speak to him about it, I'm not surprised if he's not trying all the time. You shoot him down really hard and then tell him its because he's lazy, but that you'll lay there and let him use you. I would be incredibly hurt if my husband told me that he has no desire to have sex with me, but he'd lay there and let me "do my thing" ( To be honest, I'm kind of surprised he even still tries.

I'm not trying to come down on you and say its your fault. Marriage is a balancing act, and sex is such a complex topic. Just remember that he loves you and wants you (or he wouldn't still be trying), but it sounds like there might be things you're angry at him about. Work on those, and the sex will follow. Look at the intent, not the result and I'm sure you'll start to feel better about this.
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:18 PM   #5
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LuckyMommy mentioned macca powder and I will vouch for that helping with your libido. I've been adding a tablespoon to my smoothies because of menopause/hormones and depression - hasn't really done much there but boy howdy, it's kick started my libido something fierce.

It doesn't sound like you really want to connect with your hubby so that's something you've got to think about. But if you do want some help with the ol' libido I recommend red macca powder (most health food stores should have it. It's not expensive and you can get it as a capsule to take if you dont' want to bother trying to work it in to your diet.)
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:24 PM   #6
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if you feel dry, tight and scratchy you're missing a few key ingredients: foreplay and extra lube. Foreplay is not just for teenagers. It's what gets your body going. It starts the natural lubrication. It makes you more sensitive to touch. It releases hormones. All those things have to build.

From you dialog I agree with pps that you guys have some relationship and communication work to do. But as far as just good sex goes try going out on a date (not one that involves over eating 'cause then you're bloated and tired). Go on a date where you can feel sexy and he can admire you. Where you can slowly build up the feelings of attraction toward him. Everyone should be clean, dressed in ways you find each other attractive, etc. Then your body will do A LOT of the work to get you turned on and when you finally do have sex it'll be much wetter, smoother and better.

FOr the communication stuff...are you both clear about what you want/expect in the house, in the relationship, from each other? If you are constantly resenting him for things it's hard to get your brain in a space where it wants to be horny.

The brain is the best sex organ we've got. Use it!
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:32 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anssett View Post
if you feel dry, tight and scratchy you're missing a few key ingredients: foreplay and extra lube. Foreplay is not just for teenagers. It's what gets your body going. It starts the natural lubrication. It makes you more sensitive to touch. It releases hormones. All those things have to build.
Love it! I just wanted to add that I wishd it hurt when I had sex with my hubby...haha (Im guessing your hubbers is more well endowed than mine)

It is so hard sometimes to make the effort to have sex. Life is busy and you are tired.

This might seem silly, but maybe you should make dates for sex. As a rule we set aside Sunday and Thursday as our sex days. It makes you think about the possibilites through out the day.

Spice it up girl. I think your relationship is stonger when you have an active sex life. (this is coming from the sex-less lady whos husband is at war... )

Good luck and keep us posted. It is awesome to take our mind off dieting every once in a while and talk about something much more fun!
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:39 PM   #8
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My husband and I are still young, but we do it once a month or less. I feel like once a week would be a HUGE DRAMATIC improvement for us. But like you, because we go so long, it makes the urge to want to go down even more.
The worst part is feeling completely abnormal when my friends talk about their significant others wanting it all the time. I can't even remember the last time my hubby was turned on by me.

(
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:46 PM   #9
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ugh - i actually told my whatever-he-is-today to *please* have an affair.

he has this thing where it's literally 13 minutes until the bus is due to drop our daughter off and NOW he wants it.

or i'm on the phone talking to my mother or bff or my daughter on the phone

or i'm trying to get the floor finished (with a dog and a 4yr old, i have to dry by hand)

or whatever.

and yes - just call me sandpaper sally.

i used to be so into him but now, it's like ... please. just... ugh.

(and right this minute, i'm listening to my god-daughter telling me her tale of sexual woes - do i have Dear Abby stamped on my forehead!? when did it become socially correct to discuss intimate details with anybody outside a medical office!?)

Last edited by threenorns : 04-13-2012 at 05:47 PM.
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Old 04-13-2012, 07:03 PM   #10
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Thinking along different lines, painful intercourse can be a sign of a yeast infection (not everyone gets the classic itch and thick white discharge). Pain with penetration can be a medical condition, and we're just starting to learn more about it. Definitely try the other suggestions here (but make sure your lube is glycerin and paraben free, way better for you!), but something to keep in the back of your mind if things don't get better. If it doesn't get better with lube and foreplay, check with your healthcare provider.
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:22 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Porthardygurl View Post
ARGHHHHHHH! (sorry, had to scream for a second)

I have a rediculously frustrated husband right now who is absoloutly off the hinges mad at me because i refuse to have sex with him. Please understand..this is not me denying him because i am in any way mad or upset..My reason and i hope its not tmi... is that every time we have sex..it feels like my insides are being rubbed with sandpaper..It hurts!! cause im all tight..Why am i tight? Because my husband only bothers to have sex once a week...so two things occur... 1) I get all tight and dry and 2) I lose my sex drive..

Thats right..you heard me.. I LOSE MY SEX DRIVE. It seems like if i dont have sex every couple of days, my mojo goes missing..So its been almost 3 weeks...and we have been trying to deal with this issue and basically it pretty much goes like this :

Hubby : I want to have sex with you and be intimate
Wife: Every time we have sex it hurts really bad
Hubby:Well maybe we can do it more often than once a week
Wife: Well youve been saying that for the past 3 years but youve never made a change to our sex life so im not sure that i believe you
Hubby: Well i feel so distant from you
Wife: Well, we just need to find other ways to be loving towards each other that are just non-sexual.
Hubby: I just dont understand why we cant turn you on and we can have sex
Wife: Because your lazy and you dont try and ive lost my sex drive and i dont even have a significant interest in it.

This conversation happens every couple of days..He cant understand that i have no physical desire to have sex.. i have literally lost my mojo..In fact, its to the point, where i dont even know what turns me on anymore..and in fact.. i dont even masturbate anymore because i cant get turned on enough to want to.

I love my husband and i have offered him the opportunity to have sex in the event of meeting his needs physically. He wants me to participate and stuff and i dont really want to but i offered to be a ...u know.. for him to use..and he doesnt want that..

What do i do? Are marriage that just started is going downhill.
The issues here aren't strickly regarding sex..it goes beyond that. With all due respect to you, you sound very hostile towards your husband. You accuse him of not trying when it is clearly evident he has tried and apparently is still continuing to try.

A good sexual relationship (and a good marriage as well) begins with respect for each other and good communication. You each must take responsibility for yourself. Its not a blame game and each person needs to make an active effort to effectively communicate. Express your feelings & thoughts to your husband and encourage him to do the same. Ask questions & ask for clarification rather than allowing things to get ugly. If you put your energy into communicating with your husband, it will show him you are committed to resolving the issues and that you are taking responsibility for you rather than verbally attacking him. It will show him you respect him and he will follow suit. Overall, this will improve your sex life.

Love is critical to a good marriage..but..alone it isn't enough. Communication is the key. These 2 are essential for making a relationship work.

You say you love him. It is obvious he loves you. Stop blaming him and start commuicating with him. You will both win!

All the best to you!
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:04 PM   #12
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Well good news..We went out on a date..and your right.. i think that was part of the problem..See we dont go out very often because of are 2 year old being in bed every night at 7:30 pm so its rare we get time to re-connect...SO...we managed to find a babysitter and we went out to the local pub and got some good food and watched the hockey game(we both like hockey so it was fun) Then we made are way to the nearest Rexall and bought some new lube...We were using KY Jelly. but someone mentioned that Astroglide is way better (i can vouche for that..it is, its not sticky and doesnt absorb and dry up part way through sex)

And then for the first time in our lives, i finally gave him more specific instruction in the bedroom to help me along..which worked. He was a great student and well..he learns fast. And i..put a blindfold on so that i couldnt see my body and that took away the fear and self consciousness and it was much more enjoyable of an experience and for the first time in weeks, it didnt hurt to have sex.

I think my libido however, still needs help. Maybe i will try the maca powder...cause even though we can have great sex.. im still struggling to actually be interested in sex before the actual sex part..It takes awhile if you know what im saying.. I think the date night definitly helped our relationship..

And your right..maybe i was feeling hostile towards him...but i guess its my own fault for not giving him better direction in the bedroom...so much for the communication hey? I dont know what it is..why does it seem so embaressing to tell your spouse what you want or like?
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:21 PM   #13
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Sounds like a great start!
I have a theory about your question. We are taught to be "good girls" & to nurture others, foregoing our needs. As a mom, I know I do this & I am sure it happens in the bedroom too.
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:47 PM   #14
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"why does it seem so embaressing to tell your spouse what you want or like?"

Because many women are taught that sex is about the man's pleasure. Women aren't encouraged/'allowed' to masturbate when they're young so it takes a lot of women into their 30s to even know what they like and how to get themselves to orgasm. Of COURSE women would then struggle to articulate what they want/need to a lover. Sounds like you're on the right track. Congrats.
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:47 PM   #15
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Quote:
I dont know what it is..why does it seem so embaressing to tell your spouse what you want or like?
Well, if you know what you like, just say so. If you are not sure but willing to explore then something new then it is like the weather channel. Just update every few minutes.

"That's good.... no, try more to the left... there's a pillow in the way, hang on.... ok, how are you? That ok? I'm good here..."

There's nothing wrong about feedback. Last thing I'd want is MORE of what I DON'T like so I've always just spoken up about my needs/wants and inquired about lover's needs/wants.

Very early in my relationship with DH we agreed that we could try nearly anything once, and if it worked out we could go again. If it didn't, that's fine. Not everything will suit everyone's fancy. No big.

But the willingness to try and talk about the experience is another kind of bonding/intimacy thing.

Apart from better communication, giving more feedback on lovemaking, better lube, checking for yeast -- check for latex allergy if you are using latex condoms. It's how I realized I was allergic to latex! It rubs and hurts and ugh if you are allergic.

A.
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