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Dealing with friends complaining about needing to lose weight yet never doing anythin

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Old 04-12-2012, 10:09 PM   #1
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Default Dealing with friends complaining about needing to lose weight yet never doing anythin

I know you can't force people to change, and that the must truly want to change themselves in order for it to work. However, it is very annoying and difficult to constantly hear my closer friends and mother ALWAYS complain about needing to lose weight, how they want to eat better.... yet never doing anything about it. Week after week, I always have to listen to "O, you should help me come with a "diet" since I really want to lose weight and you know lots about that" or "O, I really need to go to the gym more, lets go together this week", and then I get cancelled on.

This honestly comes from 3 good friends and my mother ALL the time. I am the only one actively doing it, yet I never mention my "needing to lose weight" to any of them! I suggested we do a points challenge as a group since all of them want to lose weight. You know, if you go to the gym on your planned day you get X amount of points, and if you eat healthy that day you get a certain amount of points. Then at the end of the challenge whoever has the most points win. .... Every single one of them said "O thats to much work, I wouldn't stick to it" or said that its "stupid to plan what days to work out and stupid to plan what you are going to eat ahead of time". We can't do a pound-lost challenge since I am at a healthy weight now and am focused on strength training (just bought that New Rules of Weight Lifting For Woman" that every here raves about!!)

Two of the friends live about 30ish minutes away where as the other lives 11 hours away. I always get "O I wished you lived closer so we could be gym buddies", yet none of them actively work out by themselves to begin with. Last year when I lived right next to one of my friends, I'd always invite her to every work out, and she'd always be up for it until the day of the workout and then she would bail.

Anyways, to sum it up... How do deal with having to listen to it almost EVERYDAY from the closest people in my life? I don't talk to them about eating better, I don't preach about exercise. In fact, I rarely bring it up, yet they always seem to bring it up with me yet forget about it 5 minutes later about this "new healthy lifestyle" that they want to embark on with me. I try and be supportive and when they ask, I give them advice... but I am getting sick of it falling of deaf ears, and them repeating the same things yet never changing anything
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:26 PM   #2
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I used to get this all the time. Not so much now that most of my friends have slowly drifted away. They, like most everyone, want to be more healthy, but are not yet ready to commit. (they may not even know they are not ready) But just like all of us here, we're not reall ready until we commit.

But is sucks to have to listen to them every dang day. If they commit would you sit and talk with them? Like..."Hey I'm off such and such day, if you want, we could talk about this more at my house/ other location and find a plan for you? just let me know."

My friends knew what day I was off, that I would be home most of that time and they all had my phone number if they suddenly wanted to come over to make sure i was home/had no plans...but none of them ever took me up on the offer and everytime one of them brought up their wanting to lose weight or be healthy I always answered "Well you know you can come over whenever your ready." that normally cuts the conversation really short. None were really ready to commit to activly getting up and going somewhere to listen about how they could change.

But I think the best thing you can do is to try and block it out a little. They see you getting better and stronger and becoming the pseron they want to be. You are the best billboard to them saying, "I commited to my lifestyle and it works." while their lifestyle is obviously not working for them. they have to make that connection before the will really listen.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:30 PM   #3
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I have invited them to work out, I've told them to send me lists of foods they like and I would help make a diet plan for them (when they've asked me to, I've never commented on their diet without being asked to). In fact, one of them actually did sit down with me and talk about her eating habits and I did make a food list to follow... what a waste of time that was. She looked at it for 3 days and then went back to her old ways.

It's hard to keep saying "Sure, I'll work out with you, lets go hiking this weekend".. or "Sure, I'll help you with that!", when I know they are either going to bail or give up after a week. But at the same time, I don't want to be rude and be like "Hey, you've asked me like 6 times and each time you've bailed, stop wasting my time!".. Its just hard to listen to someone complain about the same thing over and over and over again yet never do anything to change it. Blah.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:35 PM   #4
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They see your success and want that for themselves but aren't at the point yet that they are willing to work for it. It must be very frustrating for you. Until they show a bit more initiative, I sure wouldn't rearrange my schedule to make gym plans with them.

I see this exact same thing go on in other areas. I am a knitter and have worked hard to teach myself to knit, and spend many hours working on a project. People see my lace scarves and baby knits and want me to make things for them, but when I offer to teach them how to knit so they can make their own, the offer falls on deaf ears.

The people around you aren't motivated enough yet to make a lifestyle change and commit to it. They want to take the lazy way out and somehow get you to do it for them, which of course is impossible and ridiculous. Until they show signs of really being serious about it, I would not spend a lot of time trying to accommodate them. That sounds a bit harsh, but it is important that you insulate yourself a bit from people who will drain you of energy without you getting anything back in return.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:56 PM   #5
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I have many friends like this too, not all overweight, but always wanted to workout, or change their diets. When it comes down to it, they aren't ready or willing to make changes yet. It does annoy me when I've made plans and they cancel (always last minute, or I see a fb status talking about how sick they are so I know it's coming). I definitely relate to what you're saying!
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Old 04-12-2012, 11:14 PM   #6
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I have friends and family like this and it isn't just with weight loss. People are always looking for the quick fix. The way to get the results without putting in the time and effort. They see something you got and they want it. Could be getting organized, getting happy, getting fit, saving money and it may seem silly but I have even seen it with arts and crafts. I put in a lot of hours say knitting a blanket. All of a sudden everybody wants one. Suggest getting together and teaching them. They don't have time to be bothered with learning the skills or doing the work. Since you've already figured it out; you should "help" them by doing it for them.
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Old 04-12-2012, 11:35 PM   #7
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My mom and brother are the same way.. they teeter between recognizing they need to change and denial. It upsets me because they constantly eat like crap and try to get me to eat with them, I just try to make the best choices possible but it is challenging because we live together. Next time they mention needing to lose weight I would ask what they are going to try to change to make it happen... that might shut them up or help them think more concretely. Either way it has taken me a long time of "I need to lose weight" before I felt ready and knew what I needed to do BUT I never had someone willing to help me so they don't know what they're missing out on! You're being a good friend by making yourself available.
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Old 04-12-2012, 11:53 PM   #8
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yep - my two sisters and my mother.

my mother *insists* she hardly eats anything at all - "i practically starve myself!" yet she's up to 190 at 5'4". my sister told me to ask how many haagen-daasz ice cream bar boxes were in the garbage (i'm talking the multipack - 4 to a box) and mom comes back with "oh, don't tell me you don't treat yourself once in a while".

i'm like "MOM!!!! those *treats* are 350cal apiece and you ate the whole box in one day! i get 750 calories to eat a day and *that is it* - no more! if i had one of those for breakfast, i wouldn't be able to eat anything until dinner!"

well, that was just the stupidest thing she's ever heard and besides, she's tried that and it didn't work.

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Old 04-13-2012, 12:15 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by gardendiva View Post
I see this exact same thing go on in other areas. I am a knitter and have worked hard to teach myself to knit, and spend many hours working on a project. People see my lace scarves and baby knits and want me to make things for them, but when I offer to teach them how to knit so they can make their own, the offer falls on deaf ears.
.
I am literally LOL. I must have missed your response earlier and used the same example. This one actually happened to me today when an aunt hinted pretty aggressively about how she would love to have a shawl like the one I had made my mom for Christmas. LOL I didn't know knitters were in such high demand when I learned how.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:17 AM   #10
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I know what you mean. I was probably one of those people once, actually.

It took me until I reached 307 pounds before I was truly "ready" to stop talking and start doing. Everyone has their own breaking point; mine was just a lot higher than most.

I always wanted to lose weight. I talked about it and thought about it all the time. But I didn't want to quit the things that I was doing enough to make a change. I was in denial. Perhaps your mother and your friends are, too?

It was only when I started looking and feeling truly awful, and seeing that number on the scale, that I was finally ready to "quit" my fat life. Maybe your mom and friends have yet to hit their breaking point.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:31 AM   #11
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I know what you mean. I was probably one of those people once, actually.

It took me until I reached 307 pounds before I was truly "ready" to stop talking and start doing. Everyone has their own breaking point; mine was just a lot higher than most.

I always wanted to lose weight. I talked about it and thought about it all the time. But I didn't want to quit the things that I was doing enough to make a change. I was in denial. Perhaps your mother and your friends are, too?

It was only when I started looking and feeling truly awful, and seeing that number on the scale, that I was finally ready to "quit" my fat life. Maybe your mom and friends have yet to hit their breaking point.
O, I was one of those people once before. If anyone of my friends lost weight, I'd be the first one to ask "How did you do it?" hoping they would tell me about some magic pill. When they would tell me it was through diet and exercise, I would listen but never actually go through with it. I was always "on a diet" or "trying to lose weight" but never actually did anything. So I understand where they are coming from, but after months of it, it starts to become very frustrating lol
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:36 AM   #12
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People complain about all sorts of things in their lives (either the things they have or the things they wish they had (like their weight, health, jobs, bosses, friends, family, pets, education, hobbies, habits, houses, boats, electronics....) and all aspects of their life and yet never do anything about it.


What do people really want when they complain about the life they have and the life they wish they did?

Usually, they want someone to listen, and that's it. When they're ready to work for what they want in life, they'll do it. Everything else they will complain about until they're ready to change it (and some may never be).

... but until then, they'll complain or talk about it.

And supportive friends and family will listen and mumble vague encouragements (you can do it....), and try not to roll their eyes or say sarcastic stuff like "what's stopping you?" or "will you just shut up about it already...").
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:41 AM   #13
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People complain about all sorts of things in their lives (either the things they have or the things they wish they had (like their weight, health, jobs, bosses, friends, family, pets, education, hobbies, habits, houses, boats, electronics....) and all aspects of their life and yet never do anything about it.


What do people really want when they complain about the life they have and the life they wish they did?

Usually, they want someone to listen, and that's it. When they're ready to work for what they want in life, they'll do it. Everything else they will complain about until they're ready to change it (and some may never be).

... but until then, they'll complain or talk about it.

And supportive friends and family will listen and mumble vague encouragements (you can do it....), and try not to roll their eyes or say sarcastic stuff like "what's stopping you?" or "will you just shut up about it already...").
I listen to them all the time. I understand where they are coming from as I have been there. I try and support them in every way possible by answering their questions, accepting their offers to be work out buddies, and tell them what has worked for me when asked. But eventually when they keep bailing on your planned work outs, ignoring everything you say and yet asking the same questions 4 days later that you had just answered, it starts to become tiresome. I would love nothing more than to be work out buddies and I am honored that they come to me for advice, yet it seems like they expect me to somehow do all the work for them or have a different answer than I did last week when they asked.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:47 AM   #14
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I understand where they are coming from, but after months of it, it starts to become very frustrating lol
I can just imagine! They'll come around in their own time. Politely listen when they start jabbering on about it, but focus most on yourself. You're already setting an inspiring example.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:48 AM   #15
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LOL, well you know you are holding out on them. Why is it that you won't tell them the truth, show them the way and lead them to the light. You know that secret path, the one with all the short cuts. The pill, the potion, the person with all the answers. One thing I remember Oprah saying that has stuck with me for years...if there was a pill, a shortcut, another way...she would have already paid the man and told us all about it.
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