[BuddysBuddy]

Or how much should I interfere ?

My 17yo DD, is cute, tall, athletic, funny (sarcastic), smart and fun.

However, she has such insecurities when dealing with certain things. She has earned almost full ride scholarship to university with grades, but is still insecure.
She does struggle with acne, but we see dermatologist monthly and it's mostly covered with make-up.
She has a slight hearing loss that makes her voice a little different (pointed out by boys sometime around 7th or 8th grade) she has a slightly receeding chin which is also pointed out by various kids (not her friends).

Before 7th or 8th grade she was confident and outgoing. Since having her "flaws" pointed out by those "nice" kids, it's a constant struggle to get her to go outside her comfort zone. She has several good friends, a boyfriend and of course, her loving parents.

However, yesterday, she commented to me that she often feels invisible. (I have had this feeling myself)

I have been trying to get her to get a job, since school is relatively easy for her and she needs to learn responsibilty outside of home and school. Plus she likes to spend money. She has plenty of time, since her sport ended fall semester and she doesn't do spring sports. She is fighting me on this every step of the way. One friend who works at a "chuckie cheese" type place, had told her weeks ago to put in an application. She didn't and yesterday we find out they hired 7 people last week. I think she is afraid of failure and afraid of interviewing so she just won't try.

Should I keep pushing ? Should I shut up and leave her alone ? I've thought about getting some adults she doesn't know to practice interviews with but I just don't want to do too much (thus helicoptering) I do like to fix things. She has so much potential and doesn't see things that way.

Thanks for listening. Sorry I know this isn't a parenting forum, but the ones of those I've found just don't have as much feedback as this wonderful forum does.

[Thighs Be Gone]

What about a volunteer position working with children or older people after school? I mention those two groups because they tend to be the least intimidating and there is SUCH a need for both. Maybe within a few weeks if she is feeling comfortable, she can apply for a paid position.

[Lovely]

I don't think that encouraging your kid to get a job and get some work experience is helicopter parenting. Helicopter parenting, in my mind, would be if she got a job and you showed up each day at her workplace to check in on her.

I think looking into a volunteer position would be a lovely start, and perhaps less pressure on her.

[Lambiechop]

Self confidence is such an important thing when it comes to teenagers, girls in particular. I would keep encouraging her to apply for part time jobs and maybe when she lands one reward her with a new hair cut, makeup, or an outfit that she can wear at work to give her a little boost.

Coming from someone whose mother made her dress like a 65 year old woman throughout high school, refused to allow her to wear makeup, and never had her hair professionally done until about age 24; do what ever you possibly can now to make her feel beautiful. Feeling invisible or less than contributed so much to my negative self image. I wish that my mother would have realized how important it was. Now that I have my own daughter I realize how epically she dropped the ball.

Sorry, went off on a tangent there but it's a subject that's still a touchy one for me. My life may have been very different if I would have loved myself more.

[rainydays]

Originally Posted by Thighs Be Gone

What about a volunteer position working with children or older people after school? I mention those two groups because they tend to be the least intimidating and there is SUCH a need for both. Maybe within a few weeks if she is feeling comfortable, she can apply for a paid position.

This is a fantastic idea. I didn't have wonderful self-confidence throughout my teen years, but I felt the most positive about myself when I was a tutor for middle school kids, a peer counselor, and so on. I really think your daughter would benefit immensely from a volunteer position! Good luck--and remember, that feeling of invisibility is common in teens.

[BuddysBuddy]

Thank you all for answering. She is interested in working with children so I think the volunteering idea is wonderful. The local elementary schools have a homework help program and I'm sure she would get a lot out of it. I will talk to her about it tonight.

I spend a lot of time worring about her and her "issues", sometimes I think it's just teen angst and sometimes I worry that it's deeper.

I do try to keep encouraging her in all that is good with her, but sometimes "mom's" opinion is not believed

[sacha]

Hi BuddysBuddy,

My son is 17 months, not 17 years old, so I can't claim to know a lot about that stage (at least when mine fights, I can distract him with a teddy still, LOL!!!). As others have said, pushing her to get a job is in no way helicopter parenting, but if you feel some sort of volunteer/child program would be better, then that's a great idea too. It's okay to nudge her in the right direction. I assume she is quite smart with a full scholarship, is there a chance she may be able to make some money with private tutoring for kids?

[BuddysBuddy]

Just wanted to update you all on this. I gently suggested she volunteer. The city library has a "volunteen" program and she applied for that and has been working 2 days a week since the first of the year. She has really enjoyed it although it wasn't working out in the open with people, she did take on the responsibility of going and working.


The big news is about 2 weeks ago she got a "REAL" job !! A friend recommended her for a hostess job at a restaurant and she has been working for 2 weeks now. She has really grown in the last few months and I feel a lot less worried about her now. It's amazing how small things have added up to give her more confidence.

[ddc]

Yay! Great news

[Aunrio]

Thanks for a great example of thoughtful parenting. I've got 10 more years before I get my first teen but I am already thinking about it.

[JohnP]

I agree with Lovely. This is not helicoptoring.

[TiffNeedsChange]

Awesome! You're a great mom, so glad that you recognized her need and stepped in to help!

[krampus]

Definitely not helicoptering - you're just being supportive and caring. When I was 16 my mom announced I wouldn't be getting an allowance any more and I had to work if I wanted spending money, and I'm so glad she did that. Glad to hear she got a job! You've helped save her the embarrassment of a blank resume when she applies for other jobs out of college.

[XLMuffnTop]

No, not helicopter parenting as you're trying to help your child grow and become a healthy, independent adult. I worked in a college advising office and saw plenty of helicopter parenting:

1. Parents arguing in front of their child and the advisor regarding whether their child needs to change majors and to what major. The student, a legal adult BTW, had zero say.

2. Parents calling to change their child's schedule after registration.

3. Parents calling about their child's job interview.

4. Parents calling to get their child's instructors name to verify assignments.

Yup, helicopter parenting at its finest. You are parenting.

[BuddysBuddy]

Muffin - Holy Cow !

Thanks everyone. Teenagerism is a tough time for all involved. I've found it's something you have to figure out as you go along.