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I'm kinda sad and don't know who to talk to.

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Old 04-07-2012, 10:56 PM   #1
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Default I'm kinda sad and don't know who to talk to.

So I'm coming here because I figure, since y'all aren't involved in my personal life, y'all are the best people to talk to! And I'm really just expressing some feelings here.

I found out today that my aunt is leaving my uncle -- which isn't surprising; they've been having problems for a while; my uncle suspected and has confirmed that she's been having an affair. However, what makes me upset is she's just walking out on her two kids (my little cousins who I really, really care about). I worry about the effect it's going to have on them; I know at least the older one has already been affected by her might as well be non-existent mother. And I just feel really, really bad for them. Kids need their mom and I don't even know what I would do if my mom left; she's my best friend. I've lost a lot of respect for my aunt and I'm really just very, very disappointed and upset about the way that turned out. I want to cry for my cousins because I know they deserve way better. They're really great kids and I can't stand the thought of knowing they're about to be crushed. I really kind of wish my parents hadn't told me this cause now I know I'm gonna be sad every time I see them -- they don't know yet, so it's not like I can comfort them about it cause they don't know. I really just don't know how to handle this.
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Old 04-07-2012, 11:06 PM   #2
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I'm sorry that's happening. It's very touching though to see how much you care about your cousins and their well-being, and that tells me that YOU are going to be someone who will be there for them when they need comfort and support. I know it's not a substitute for having their mother there, but when they look back many years from now they will remember the love and support you gave them, and will be grateful you were there for them. They are very lucky to have you.
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Old 04-07-2012, 11:40 PM   #3
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It's okay to feel sad and disappointed over such an action, let yourself feel it and get it out because internalizing it would be a lot worse

The best thing you can do is be there for your cousins, let them know you love them and are available to talk to if they need it. Maybe even semi-adopt them, making a point to spend extra time doing fun stuff with them or making new memories. It won't replace their mom, but it might make things a little easier for them to handle if they see how much they are loved and cared for by their family.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family
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Old 04-07-2012, 11:42 PM   #4
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i'm sorry they couldn't get it together - but don't be mistaken: kids need a happy mom even if she's not living with them. a mother who's with them against her will and resents their presence is definitely not going to be healthy for their development.

i'm the product of a broken home - you have no idea how many years i used to wish devoutly that my parents would just shut up and get a divorce.

there is nothing for you to handle - this is betw your aunt and uncle. i know it's hard but what's important is what's best for the kids. if this results in a more stable, amicable relationship betw their parents, then divorce is a good thing.

i understand that you've lost respect for your aunt but don't forget that there's always two sides to every story. best to keep a neutral stance when it comes to these situations.
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Old 04-07-2012, 11:55 PM   #5
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I guess I know there's two sides, but the way my dad put it she basically told my uncle "he could have the kids", which says to me that she doesn't want them. Maybe I'm biased, but I just don't know how someone can do that to their kids. I understand getting a divorce, but even if you're not there with your kids 24/7, you should still be there for them.
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5lbs ~5 times? Let's do it! One for every 5lbs lost until I get to where I wanna be.

Starting weight: 180 (4/2/15)
Current weight: 178.8 (4/9/15)
Goal weight: Somewhere between 155-165lbs
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Old 04-08-2012, 12:04 AM   #6
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thing is, that's what your uncle told your dad she said - and i doubt those were the exact words, more probably his interpretation of what he figured she really meant.

it's not necessarily that she doesn't want them - at one point, i told my youngest daughter's father that he would have to take her. it wasn't that i didn't want her, it was that he had a job and a stable lifestyle which, in that particular instance, meant he had running water and a toilet that flushed in the winter.

when you want what's best for your kids, sometimes that means facing up to the fact that you're not the best parent to care for them.

Last edited by threenorns : 04-08-2012 at 12:05 AM.
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Old 04-08-2012, 02:43 AM   #7
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Must be hard to deal with, watching your cousins go through that. It's good they have some one that cares so much.

As for the aunt, I have to agree with threenorns. Though I know nothing of the situation, I am a born optimist. People never do mean stuff because they are actually mean people. She might have her reasons to leave the kids with the dad. Could be she feels guilty over the affair and let's the dad keep the house and everything, so she first has to settle her own life. Could be a million reasons. Could even be that she does not want the kids left with the dad completely but offered an arrangement that the dad did not want. Or did not explain properly to your dad.

So much gets broken with faulty communication and anger/resentment. I always try to look on the bright side and on what else people might have meant. It keeps you more open to people. Who knows what role you can play in this if your aunt feels like you are not judging her while the rest of the family might? Could be that you can be the person that helps her figure out how to deal with the kids!
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Old 04-08-2012, 03:13 AM   #8
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I second Arctic Mama. The best thing you can do for those kids is to be there for them unconditionally. You sound like an empathetic and loving person; that's what they need right now. I don't know anything other than what you've written but it sounds like your aunt is being a little self-centered right now. I can't imagine what the kids are going through but I know that what they need is to have someone who's on their side: someone who listens and cares. Spend as much time with the kids as you can and let them know you'll always be there for them.
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Old 04-08-2012, 08:59 AM   #9
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I really would like to give my aunt the benefit of the doubt, but the thing about it is she's kind of notorious for doing this with a lot of things-- when she gets tired of something or things don't go her way, she wants out. I know she's been spending days on end out of town (they live right behind us, so it's kind of hard for us to NOT know what goes on with them, to an extent), and it's not for any kind of business or anything because she doesn't work.

About a month or two ago, she got in a fight with my grandparents and after that it was just like she disappeared. We have dinner with them every Sunday, and she just doesn't show. It's like she's separating herself from the entire family, and she's always said, and I quote, "I'm gonna do what I wanna do and if you don't like it F*** you!" I just never thought she'd apply that to her own family. I don't really think she doesn't love her kids, but I don't think they're a top priority on her list. I don't want to judge her, but I really just think she's being very selfish about the whole situation.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice though! You all are really great.
__________________
Back at it temporarily!

5lbs ~5 times? Let's do it! One for every 5lbs lost until I get to where I wanna be.

Starting weight: 180 (4/2/15)
Current weight: 178.8 (4/9/15)
Goal weight: Somewhere between 155-165lbs
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Old 04-08-2012, 09:16 AM   #10
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that doesn't sound selfish - that sounds pathological.

if that is, indeed, how she behaves, then she's not normal - something is wrong, clinically speaking. she could be bipolar or, worst case, actually sociopathic where she thinks her needs and wants are paramount above everything else and everybody else in the world is a "lesser being". such ppl do not follow rules and laws bec they truly believe such rules are for everybody else. they are "special" or "privileged". they have no empathy and no compassion not because they are self-centred but for the same reason a one-legged man can't win a butt-kicking contest: she's missing critical parts of her psyche. examples of sociopaths can be found all up and down the scale with paul bernardo at one end and mother theresa at the other.

it's be like blaming the wind for blowing - she is what she is and not all the regrets and recriminations and finger-wagging in the world can change her so it's wasted effort.

best to let her go her way and leave the kids with the family who appreciates them and can raise them with a healthy self-confidence and an acceptance of who their mother is, rather than regrets and anger because she's not somebody else.

Last edited by threenorns : 04-08-2012 at 12:19 PM.
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Old 04-08-2012, 12:15 PM   #11
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Eh, I think we're too quick to excuse poor behavior as a medical condition, in this society. I hear selfish and immature, not imbalanced, phychotic, or depressive when I am listening to Mimsy's descriptions. And regardless, that doesn't really change how her family has to cope with the wreckage her aunt has left behind, whether it is her fault through choice or circumstance.

But my sympathy for grown adults bailing on responsibility (and far too many do it) is perilously low, I admit. I have no tolerance for it, given the real and long reaching implications of unstable situations with parents and spouses. As a child of divorce and a married woman, my perspective is colored by my experience as everyone else's is, too. (As a caveat, I suppose)
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Old 04-08-2012, 12:20 PM   #12
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see, that's the thing - it's difficult to determine from the outside if they're bailing on responsibility or if they really are doing what's best for the child.

we all know ppl who really REALLY shouldn't have had kids.
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Old 04-08-2012, 12:41 PM   #13
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That's true, absolutely. It is very hard to see from the outside. But do a third or half of marriages really have no other option than dividing the union? Color me skeptical

That said, we all have our biases, and that colors our advice. Hopefully Mimsy can just glean what is helpful and tune out the noise
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Old 04-08-2012, 12:46 PM   #14
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i am of the firm conviction that ANY two ppl can have a successful marriage IF they put the work into it.

unfortunately, our society regards having to work for anything as an evil to be avoided.

marriage should be "their eyes met across a crowded room... they got engaged.... they got married... they had kids... and lived happily ever after".

weight loss should be "no need to exercise - take this miracle cure and lose 900lbs in six weeks!"

money should be a matter of popping out to the money tree in the back yard or suing somebody.

i honestly think mother theresa and hitler could've made a match of it if they'd put the effort into it.

but if someone doesn't want to, then there's no point drowning the horse trying to make it drink, eh?
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Old 04-08-2012, 01:02 PM   #15
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I don't disagree with you, except that I hold the individuals a bit more accountable for doing the work on themselves to improve the situation and stick with it. My moral convictions on the issue aside, I agree with you 100%.

Rant ahoy! It always bugs me when my friends and family look at my marriage and just assume we're perfect for one another and never have conflict or struggles, as though a healthy, loving, strong marriage just 'happens' and you don't have to work for it. Every day, in a million little ways, my husband and I are seeking to show one another love and keep our union strong and pure. Conflicts we've had in past years would have caused divorce in other couples. It isn't magic, luck, or a spouse that is somehow better than everyone else's that makes a marriage work, and I have to be gentle in correcting those who assume it is.

So much more of our contentedness and joy is under our control in a union than is commonly believed. If I could do one thing for my loved ones, it would be to disabuse them of the notion that they don't have active control over the atmosphere of their homes and relationships, and can't do their very best regardless of the behavior of their spouses. I can't control my husband or his choices, but my response to them is 100% mine and I'm accountable for it! There is so much hope in knowing what responsibility is mine and what I am not answerable to, and I wish there was a better way to convey that to the couples around me who are hurting. Sadly, one or both usually has their mind made up by the time we hear of it and don't believe they can change or improve their marriage. And when that hope is gone, whether it is salvageable or not becomes moot if they don't believe it to be so.


/end impassioned marriage rant
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