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Old 02-23-2012, 10:56 AM   #1
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Unhappy Personal Relationship Advice... me too please!

I’m sorry if this is a bit long. I want to go back and explain a bit so I can get some responses based on as many of the “facts” as possible.

I was in a bad relationship for 5 years between the ages of 19 and 23… I was emotionally abused, but not mature enough or confident enough in myself to realize it at the time… I’m 5’8 and during the first couple years in the relationship I weighed 145 pounds and was a size 4. However, I was continuously told that I needed to lose weight, and encouraged constantly to exersize. We would be out for dinner and he would tell me not to eat certain things, wouldn’t let me order what I wanted (because it was fattening) while all the time maintaining that he was only telling me these things because he cared about me. Unfortunately I think that that was what led me to start emotionally eating, and pushed me to my heaviest weight ever in 2007-2008 190 pounds…. I used to stuff my face whenever he wasn’t around… now I realize it was because I was very very unhappy. I finally left him in 2007 after I went away on a trip to Europe and was able to re-evaluate my life…

I was single for almost two years after that… I didn’t want to date anyone and felt like I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted because I hadn’t had a chance to do that at all during the time in my life where I would have normally made all sorts of those discoveries… In July of 2009 I met a really nice guy while taking a motorcycle course and we fell head over heels for each other… however, I ended things in October of the same year.

Honestly now looking back the reasons I had at the time for the break-up seem so ridiculous… I can barely remember any of them. But in hindsight I think the real problem was that it was too much for me too fast and I was afraid… he made me feel amazing in a way I had never experienced before because he loved me for me, and told me I was beautiful all the time (which the first one never really did). I felt like he was putting me on a pedestal and that I wouldn’t be able to live up to his expectations. It made me feel like what we had wasn’t real love… but now looking back I’m not sure… I’m afraid that it was me that didn’t know what real love was and that I was afraid of something I had never experienced before.

After that I took some more time off from dating… and then started to date around again in May 2010… I just wanted to have fun and so I went out with several guys, none of which I felt were right for me. Then in July 2010 I met my current boyfriend… he is a nice guy…. Outdoorsy and took me to try things I’d never tried before (like off-roading in the middle of nowhere)… I felt like I wen t into the relationship cautiously and we eventually moved in together about a year after we met… it’s now going to be coming up on a year we’ve been living together and two years since we met. I love him, a lot, and so does my family (they also loved the motorcycle boyfriend), but he’s very different from me, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. He’s really quiet, keeps all of his emotions inside, and is very hard to read. Comes from a small family that don’t show much outward affection to each other and isn’t very close to his brother. I come from a big family, we are loud and my brothers and I are very close – like friends –and we hang out all the time.

My problem is that in the past couple of months I find myself thinking about my ex boyfriend a lot (I had another dream about his last night). There are things about him that I miss a lot. He loved my family and fit in like he’d been a part of it all along, he’s outgoing and he loved my parents like I do. I don’t feel that from my current boyfriend. My ex was also very tidy and neat whereas my current boyfriend isn’t. I know what all the differences are and I knew that going into the relationship with my current boyfriend, but I don’t understand why I can’t stop thinking about my ex. And now I’m starting to wonder if it’s normal. I do feel like my current bf and I have been growing apart, and I’m not sure why… I’ve told him that I’m worried about us but he’s confident that we can figure things out. I haven’t told him I’ve had dreams about my ex bf and find myself thinking about what it would be like to be with him again, because I know that would hurt him so much, and I don’t even understand my own feelings. I’m the type of person that feels that once you break up with someone you can’t go back... because things will never be the same, and I feel like I’m breaking all my own rules. I’ve even had thoughts about what I would do if we did break up now… where I would live etc. I’m just wondering if any of you have ever been in a similar situation? Any advice? I haven’t seen my ex since January 2010 (when I saw him at a motorcycle show), and I haven’t talked to him since the day we broke up…

In case it makes a difference over the past couple of months there have been a lot of changes in my life… I lost my grandmother, my job has become quite stressful, I’ve started limiting my carb intake to try and control the addiction I think I have to white sugar and starch… so sometimes I wonder if maybe it’s just hormonal or something?

Anyway, I’m so sorry for how long this is… but if I’m going to get unbiased opinions I figured it would make sense to try and tell as much of the story as possible.

Thanks so much guys... it helps a tiny bit just to get things down on paper.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:01 AM   #2
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What does motorcycle ex think about all this? It sounds like you broke up because you weren't ready for a serious relationship while you were together - not because of some flaw in his character or problems while you were dating. If you both want to try it again - and it sounds like you've matured since then - I don't think you need to abide by rules.

Of course, you may be defaulting to motorcycle ex and remembering him fondly because of issues with current boyfriend...it's easy to compare people when times are tough. I'd say figure out what you want before making any bold moves.
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:19 AM   #3
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I haven't talked to my ex at all... I don't know if he's single or even if he'd be interested... I don't feel like it would be fair to talk to him while i'm with my current boyfriend. Kinda like cheating in a way.... I dunno....
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:34 AM   #4
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Your relationship with motorcylcle ex was quite short, so that could be part of why you're still kind of carrying a torch for him. You hadn't really gotten past the "honeymoon" stage with him, whereas you have with your current boyfriend. It's possible that things with him were so wonderful because they were still somewhat new, do you know what I mean?
If you truly love your current boyfriend and think it is possible that things could be worked out with him, then I would stay and try to work it out. But if you do decide to end things with him, I think you should make sure it's definitely because you want to, and not becuase you think things could be better with motorcycle ex. I hope I'm not coming across as harsh or something, because I really don't mean to be! I am throwing this out there because something very similar happened with a close friend of mine. She had a short relationship with someone which ended when he moved away. She met someone else and was in a long term relationship with him, pining for her ex the whole time. She had a good thing (by her own admission) going with her current boyfriend with some minor (normal) issues. Her ex moved back a couple years later and she decided to leave her BF for the ex. The new relationship with the ex lasted something like 8 months, and now she regrets leaving the boyfriend for the ex.
I'm not saying that your situation would end up like this, I just thought it was worth mentioning becuase the situations were quite similar. Just food for thought.
Best of luck!

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Last edited by PinkLotus; 02-23-2012 at 02:12 PM. Reason: Typo!
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Old 02-23-2012, 11:48 AM   #5
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I see two separate issues here. 1. You're not sure if you're happy with your current boyfriend or unhappy and growing apart and 2. You wonder if you still have feelings for your ex and if a relationship is possible.

I would recommend trying as best you can to take the ex out of the equation at least for a bit. You need to buckle down and decide whether your current boyfriend is right for you. Long term, do you think he's going to make you happy? What are you looking for in a relationship? What are the essential attributes a partner for you needs to have? Is he meeting them? What are the issues? Are they minor? Can they be worked through realistically? A messy, unorganized person will likely never be a neat freak. For most this isn't a big deal but for some it's a HUGE issue. Where do the issues rank for you?

Only after you've assessed the situation with your boyfriend can you even begin to think about your ex. I agree with PinkLotus that four months isn't very long at all and for me wouldn't warrant ending a two year relationship for (if it's going well and you're happy, ya know?). He could be a totally different person than the one you think you know. Plus, you have a more realistic view of your current boyfriend because you live together. You see the day to day quirks and annoyances that bring a relationship more down to Earth. Dreamy ex may fart all the time, clip his toe nails in bed, eat all your food, be horrible with finances and completely swimming in debt. It's just so much of an unknown I don't think it can really be factored in. You said yourself you are unsure if he's even in a relationship so it may be a non-issue.

I know it's hard to be logical about things that are so emotional but your current relationship can't work if you're living in the past and uncommitted to it. I hope you figure out what's best for you and your happiness.

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Old 02-23-2012, 01:31 PM   #6
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1) You are going thru a lot of stressy things right now in other areas of your life. Cut yourself a break. Having stress in other life areas doesn't mean the relationship area is doomed.

2) Merely thinking about an ex or noticing attractive people while in a relationship isn't "cheating." It's the human condition. We don't live in bubbles. We remember things, we notice and admire other cute people while out and about. Not a big deal. Some couples are comfortable sharing that side of themselves with each other and some are not comfortable discovering this part of themselves at ALL much less sharing those thoughts with partner. Either way is fine and normal enough. Cut yourself a break.

But keep in mind that daydream fantasies are fleeting and not your actual reality. It doesn't mean you are cheating on your BF to daydream, fantasize, or think "oh, they're cute!" when you notice attractive people -- but don't avoid dealing with your reality by escaping into fantasy land too much.

3) You are out of the NRE stage with current boyfriend. Once the pink fluffy lala clouds disappear from new relationship energy, you move into the meat and reality of things. Milestone moment. It is natural to look up and take stock. It is normal to wonder if you are REALLY done with dating and exploring people and gonna stick with this one guy? Because NRE is fun to feel, socializing as a single is fun too. A stage could be ending for you – the dating stage. It's normal to wonder if you are really done with it or not.

4) It's also normal to wonder if this REALLY is the guy and take stock of him again through NRE cloud free eyes. He's probably checking you out the same way. The rest of your life, if your goal is seeking a life partner, is LONG. Can you REALLY deal with living with a messie for the long haul? Can you REALLY deal with his style of affection expression? That kinda stuff.

5) So you are in the strange time between. The NRE high is done. But you haven't been together long enough to have built up a lot of ORE experience yet to know what is normal or not in ORE land. (Old relationship energy.) If this relationship is moving into ORE land, you are still baby OREs at it. Figuring out your best ORE groove will take a while – That's normal too. He is willing to communicate and work on things, so that's a good sign for the start of ORE if you decide that “Yeah! I'm gonna ORE it now with this guy! “

I think you guys will either settle into the next level of your relationship, and come out fine as you learn what ORE is and can appreciate it's slower burn. It's still gonna keep you warm – nothing wrong with ORE love! NRE love is just kinda flashier. But it doesn't have as long a burn.

Or you will decide this isn't quite the guy or the right fit, and break it off and still come out fine. You'll have learned more relationship skills and travel your next NRE space with the benefit of those skills.

Staying together or not – that's something just for him and you to work out. Are you really growing apart or is this a downshift toward ORE and coming off the NRE high zoom zoom? Only you guys will know.

But I can tell you that you sound totally normal for this stage.

Again, cut yourself some slack. Nothing you describe sounds unusual to me.



Last edited by astrophe27; 02-23-2012 at 01:44 PM.
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:46 PM   #7
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Thanks everyone. You've given me some great advice.... And lots to think about. Sometimes it's hard to get some perspective.
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Old 02-24-2012, 08:23 PM   #8
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I think you've gotten some great advice so far; I would just add that you may be thinking some about ex b/c of losing your grandmother. It reminds you of other losses --- and losing "might have beens" is a loss too. Don't stress; give things some time. Take care of you : )

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Old 02-25-2012, 02:08 AM   #9
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If you are not happy with your current boyfriend, then you might as well end it ASAP.

Then look up the old beau and see if that will work out. But never discuss your current relationship with the old boyfriend.
He may have found someone else in the meantime.

So you might have to look for a 3rd guy.

Best of luck to you.

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Old 02-25-2012, 05:18 PM   #10
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All of the above is great advice! If you're comparing your current boy to an old one, you need to look at what those things are and if they're really important to you. For example, if your current boy being so messy bothers you, decide if it's a deal breaker. Maybe mention to him that you'd like things neater or that you'd like to take a little while to clean house together once a week. My hubby and I do this sometimes and it's actually pretty fun--or more fun than cleaning alone. We put on music and such. Then, if you actually look at the things that you're unhappy with, realize that they're very important to you and that they can't be fixed, then it's time to move on to the next thing. Don't let things like worrying where you live stop you. Follow your heart! You deserve to be with your prince charming--whether that's your current boyfriend, motorcycle ex, or someone else entirely.
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Old 02-27-2012, 03:48 PM   #11
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I think it may be natural to think about an ex. I frequently think about one of mine...BUT, here's the rub. The reason I think about him is not so much because of him but rather because of who I was when I was with him. He was really adventurous and so I was too when I was with him. That doesn't change the fact that we broke up for some really good reasons.

My advice is to think about what it is that makes you think about this guy and be sure it's really about HIM and not about YOU that you are thinking of him. But also consider that people can change a lot in a few years and he's probably not the same guy any more, and you probably aren't the same woman, and you may not click like you did then if you got back together, and that assumes he's even available and interested.

No relationship is perfect. I hope you think long and hard before dumping the current good guy for a chance with the old good guy. Usually people that have broken up once before don't succeed when they try it again. It would be a real bummer if you gave up a working relationship for a failed one, and it fails again. You know?
“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” - Thomas A. Edison

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