Iím sorry if this is a bit long. I want to go back and explain a bit so I can get some responses based on as many of the ďfactsĒ as possible.
I was in a bad relationship for 5 years between the ages of 19 and 23Ö I was emotionally abused, but not mature enough or confident enough in myself to realize it at the timeÖ Iím 5í8 and during the first couple years in the relationship I weighed 145 pounds and was a size 4. However, I was continuously told that I needed to lose weight, and encouraged constantly to exersize. We would be out for dinner and he would tell me not to eat certain things, wouldnít let me order what I wanted (because it was fattening) while all the time maintaining that he was only telling me these things because he cared about me. Unfortunately I think that that was what led me to start emotionally eating, and pushed me to my heaviest weight ever in 2007-2008 190 poundsÖ. I used to stuff my face whenever he wasnít aroundÖ now I realize it was because I was very very unhappy. I finally left him in 2007 after I went away on a trip to Europe and was able to re-evaluate my lifeÖ
I was single for almost two years after thatÖ I didnít want to date anyone and felt like I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted because I hadnít had a chance to do that at all during the time in my life where I would have normally made all sorts of those discoveriesÖ In July of 2009 I met a really nice guy while taking a motorcycle course and we fell head over heels for each otherÖ however, I ended things in October of the same year.
Honestly now looking back the reasons I had at the time for the break-up seem so ridiculousÖ I can barely remember any of them. But in hindsight I think the real problem was that it was too much for me too fast and I was afraidÖ he made me feel amazing in a way I had never experienced before because he loved me for me, and told me I was beautiful all the time (which the first one never really did). I felt like he was putting me on a pedestal and that I wouldnít be able to live up to his expectations. It made me feel like what we had wasnít real loveÖ but now looking back Iím not sureÖ Iím afraid that it was me that didnít know what real love was and that I was afraid of something I had never experienced before.
After that I took some more time off from datingÖ and then started to date around again in May 2010Ö I just wanted to have fun and so I went out with several guys, none of which I felt were right for me. Then in July 2010 I met my current boyfriendÖ he is a nice guyÖ. Outdoorsy and took me to try things Iíd never tried before (like off-roading in the middle of nowhere)Ö I felt like I wen t into the relationship cautiously and we eventually moved in together about a year after we metÖ itís now going to be coming up on a year weíve been living together and two years since we met. I love him, a lot, and so does my family (they also loved the motorcycle boyfriend), but heís very different from me, which isnít necessarily a bad thing. Heís really quiet, keeps all of his emotions inside, and is very hard to read. Comes from a small family that donít show much outward affection to each other and isnít very close to his brother. I come from a big family, we are loud and my brothers and I are very close Ė like friends Ėand we hang out all the time.
My problem is that in the past couple of months I find myself thinking about my ex boyfriend a lot (I had another dream about his last night). There are things about him that I miss a lot. He loved my family and fit in like heíd been a part of it all along, heís outgoing and he loved my parents like I do. I donít feel that from my current boyfriend. My ex was also very tidy and neat whereas my current boyfriend isnít. I know what all the differences are and I knew that going into the relationship with my current boyfriend, but I donít understand why I canít stop thinking about my ex. And now Iím starting to wonder if itís normal. I do feel like my current bf and I have been growing apart, and Iím not sure whyÖ Iíve told him that Iím worried about us but heís confident that we can figure things out. I havenít told him Iíve had dreams about my ex bf and find myself thinking about what it would be like to be with him again, because I know that would hurt him so much, and I donít even understand my own feelings. Iím the type of person that feels that once you break up with someone you canít go back... because things will never be the same, and I feel like Iím breaking all my own rules. Iíve even had thoughts about what I would do if we did break up nowÖ where I would live etc. Iím just wondering if any of you have ever been in a similar situation? Any advice? I havenít seen my ex since January 2010 (when I saw him at a motorcycle show), and I havenít talked to him since the day we broke upÖ
In case it makes a difference over the past couple of months there have been a lot of changes in my lifeÖ I lost my grandmother, my job has become quite stressful, Iíve started limiting my carb intake to try and control the addiction I think I have to white sugar and starchÖ so sometimes I wonder if maybe itís just hormonal or something?
Anyway, Iím so sorry for how long this isÖ but if Iím going to get unbiased opinions I figured it would make sense to try and tell as much of the story as possible.
Thanks so much guys... it helps a tiny bit just to get things down on paper.