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Old 02-01-2012, 12:06 PM   #1
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Default Sad and venting

So I thought I would just let some steam because I am feeling very indifferent and sad today.

So hubby and I have been together for almost 9 years married since October, and right now we are both in a bad place. Of course it has to do with money. He has never been the brightest tool in the shed aside from a few years ago with his money. He would spend it left and right, rack up his credit cards, than his grandpa would pay them off for him because he had too much debt and than he would start the cycle all over again.

Fast forward a few years to where we are now. He is a journeymen plumber/gas fitter, I am working in HR, we bought a house almost 2 years ago, have 2 fur babies, and we should be doing well for ourselves but he once again has racked his debt up, and is now paying for it. Always stressed about bills on his end, I had to co-sign another consolidated loan for him to help ease his debt troubles because that’s what we do when were married right? I give him what I can each paycheck to try and help as well.

Anyways I will stop blabbering on and on, in a nutshell he is such a good person, he means well, and tries to help everyone out when he can, he is always at his grandpas helping him out (partly to help repay his debt, his gramps doesn’t expect him to pay him back as he is already very well off) and he is such a genuine person.

Here is the issue.

He might be going up north which would be a 2 week on and 1 week off rotation. BUT he would be clearing $10,000.00 a month and be able to pay his debt off within a year and than have money left over after to have a comfort zone. No more stress, although I know it would be hard being away so long, but in the long run we will be fine

The other issue is that his friend is offering him a nightclub photography position making up to $800.00 a month. My hubby has a photo business on the side and he loves photography so much but it doesn’t pay the bills (at all) his argument for wanting to take this job over the other one is that “he will be furthering his career in photography” but he will still be struggling and his debt won’t be paid off for years.

I know photography makes him happy but why can’t he put it on hold and take care of his issues? Am I being a bad wife for pleading with him to take the job up north??

Need some advice please!!!! I feel like the bad wife. We have been arguing so much lately over money issues because of his debt and it will just keep getting worse especially if he takes this photography job.
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Old 02-01-2012, 12:25 PM   #2
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No, you are not being a bad wife, because you are worried about your husband. Does he not realize the seriousness of it? Will his debt prevent you guys from moving forward as a family, as far as having kids or all that?

Personally, I don't know if I would want my DH working on the side at something that doesn't help clear his debt. Being debt free would resolve a lot of your conflict, I'm sure. And him maybe taking a money management course, and you two going to it together, would also help.

I vote the $10K a month job for a year, then he can focus on his dream. Photographers make a decent amt, but not if they can't put food on the table because they have so much debt.

Good luck!
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Old 02-01-2012, 12:28 PM   #3
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Thanks for your reply. It is SO frusterating because my opinion goes in one ear and right out the other. He doesnt realize that we wont be able to have kids anytime soon or be happy. because right now we fight so much over money (his debt to be exact). If he does take the photography over the job up north, I can see myself leaving him in a matter of months. Which is horrible I know, but I cant live in this kind of environment for much longer.
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Old 02-01-2012, 01:33 PM   #4
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A nightclub photography position? Elaborate, please.....
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Old 02-01-2012, 01:48 PM   #5
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it would be him going to nightclubs and taking photos for them of the patrons and Dj's.
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:03 PM   #6
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First priority? Pay off the debt, all of it.
Second priority? Don't rack up anymore debt.

While he may want to take the photo job he needs to take the high paying job . . . he doesn't have the luxury of exploring furthering his photo career at this time. He's dug himself into a hole and he needs to get out of it asap.

Now that you've co-signed a loan for him now isn't his debt also yours? (not sure how the co-sign thing works). I'd be mighty worried.

All the times he racked up debt and someone bailed him out has taught him exactly nothing. Why not run up the debt if you know someone will make it all go away with no effort? I'm not busting on his grandfather, or you for co-signing the loan -- just saying that he hasn't seemed to change his ways.

He should take the high paying job and work his butt off, get rid of his debt and most importantly he has to learn to live within his means. Not easy if you've never done it . . . but certainly possible. Good luck to you both!
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:08 PM   #7
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Can you come to some sort of compromise? Can he take the higher paying job for a set amount of time to pay down the debt and get some solid financial footing beneath you and THEN back off a bit and do more of his photography on the side?

Really it sounds like he needs to grow up and realize that he has responsibilities - not only in paying off his current debt but in doing his part to ensure a secure future for the two of you.

He may want to follow his dream of being a photographer - and that's great, I'm all for following your dreams - but he may need to accept that he can't do it 'right now'.
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:51 PM   #8
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He needs to grow up. Your credit rating is at risk now as well.

How about the high paying job and having 90% of the take home sent to you to manage? He would be allowed minimal access to it and you can pay down that debt and put everyone on a money management schedule. There are classes out there for just this problem. Many of them are free in the U.S. I'm sure there are some in Canada.

Once he sees that he can be debt free and still pursue his dream, then maybe he'll grow up and appreciate you.

What is he spending all this money on? Perhaps you should put his credit cards in the freezer and give him cash only.

Part of the reason my daughter's marriage ended after almost 20 years was because he was spending money they didn't have. She was tired of finding all the bills, him denying spending the money and then having to tell their girls that they couldn't do something or have something because they had to pay other bills.
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Old 02-01-2012, 03:10 PM   #9
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Close those credit card accounts and pay them off, one by one.
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Old 02-01-2012, 04:04 PM   #10
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The only advice I can give you is how to protect you personally. Somehow, you need to find a way to pay off anything you have co-signed yourself for - and don't sign anything else. That should be priority over his debt.

That way if something should happen, you can deal with it with a clean financial slate, no matter what his credit is like.

If you are an authorized user on any of his accounts, get yourself removed.

Also, if you haven't already, I would get a copy of your credit report and make sure he's not affecting it in any way.

The last thing you want to end up with horrible credit because of his habits.

.
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:34 PM   #11
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My DH is horrible about money. So he forks over his paycheck and I manage it all.

He deposits it at the bank and then I spread it around. All our things are joint but assigned different purposes.

He has one acct that is his "allowance" and I have one that is my "allowance" and that's where the fun stuff comes out of. That way it doesn't interfere with the "house" accts. He has only one credit card I expect to stay low because it is his card to come home in an emergency. In real life he sneaks a few charges but it's very low so I pay it off each month and remind him to KEEP it low.

So to me this sounds like a two prong thing.

1) Sort out the NEW plan on how you will manage this new money, otherwise he will fritter that away too. The current way you guys handle your money in the marriage is not working out. Then what's the point of going north? He just made a bigger mess? And if he doesn't go north, this still needs to be addressed. Can't be bugging granpa forever!

2) Plan in place? Go take the job up north to make better money.

But if you are thinking splitting up... that's another ball game entirely. You may want LESS responsibilities with finances than MORE.

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