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Feeling Pressured...to lose weight.

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Old 01-29-2012, 08:37 AM   #1
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Default Feeling Pressured...to lose weight.

This may get a little ranty but I feel have to get it out somewhere so I don't spend too much time thinking about it. Im going to be Bridesmaid in my friends wedding this July, that being said she told all of us Bridesmaids that we HAVE to lose weight for her wedding. Trying on bridesmaids dresses has been a real pain considering one in the party is a size 2 and the remaining girls are sizes 14 and up.

About a month ago we were at the gym taking a class and she told me I have to keep going to the gym with her because she won't have me looking like an Eggplant in her wedding! The dresses as you can guess, are a deep purple/plum. I don't know if this works for some of you ladies, but I don't find this to motivate me. It actually got me quite annoyed and if I don't lose weight by her wedding guess what will be floating around in my head? That I looking like a F***ing eggplant!!

Yesterday we all got together to try on dresses agian and finally found one that was flattering on all our body types. And then she announced that we all needed to lose weight. Mind you she has at least 50lbs. on me and all the other ladies in the wedding party.Everyone was kind of taken aback and when I reminded her of her eggplant comment, she denied saying it! She's been my friend for years and has always had a habit of making snarky comments and generally making me feel bad and putting me down. This has caused me to back away from the friendship many times as I've seen it as being somewhat toxic.

The thing is, I don't feel like trying extra hard to lose weight for her wedding after being told that I NEED to. It bothers me. And the last time we got together her sister looked at me and said "WE need to work on our arms!". Just RUDE. I would never comment on someone's looks/weight negatively, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

The thing is, I don't want to feel like I'm losing weight for her wedding, it's aggravating because I'm doing this me, at MY pace and now I'm being told I have to.
Any thoughts, advice or insight??
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Old 01-29-2012, 08:50 AM   #2
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How very rude! I'd really think long and hard about whether or not I want to keep a toxic friend in my life. I'd not only back away from the friendship but would not participate in the wedding. (If you need an excuse, I could use some gardening help in July!)
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:00 AM   #3
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Congratulations on your 22 pound loss. Remember you are doing this for you and not Bridezilla, you can't stop them from being rude but you can continue to lose weight for you not them.
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:15 AM   #4
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I'd call her, pretty much immediately, and tell her thanks but no thanks...and if you need to not hurt her feelings say after consulting your finances you just cannot afford to be in her wedding and you wanted to give her enough time to find your replacement. Seriously, she is a horrible person to say that to you.

In the 80s, we had a friend who was grown, lived with his parents, didn't work, didn't shave, had long hair, dressed like a hippie---we loved him, he was our friend. We invited him to our wedding and he said he didn't want to ruin our wedding because he didn't own a suit, had no $ gift to give us, didn't want to have to cut his beard/hair. We said please, come. No gift necessary. No suit necessary. Wear jeans and a t-shirt for all we care, but come. Please. He did. We loved him and wanted him there, without condition.

How friendly are you with this friend? I'm going to give you a piece of "I'm a grown up now, my life experience" advice, ok? Friends can come and go, and they do come and go. When I was in my 20s (back in the 80s) everyone was getting married. I cannot list all the showers and weddings I went to, and the weddings I was in. Some of those people--we lost contact shortly thereafter because we were .... acquaintances .... high school pals ... that sort of thing.

IF you tell this girl "no" you won't regret it later in life---unless she is your best friend in the whole world and you can't imagine not being her friend.

I had a friend since 3rd grade. She got married in one town (where we grew up) and had the reception 2 hours away from where the wedding was held (where she then lived). She and I had already been somewhat estranged merely by the logistics of not living nearby and not hanging out anymore. My husband had to work the day of her wedding. I was not IN the wedding, but she had asked me would I sing a song of her choosing with the band...I said I would IF I went to the reception. She was mad that I said IF. My mom was elderly and could not watch my 2 y.o. daughter--my friend suggested I take my daughter to a stranger of a stranger....someone that I didn't know was dropping her kids off with their UNCLE. I don't know UNCLE. Maybe he's a pedophile. So no, that wasn't an option. She had no kids (still doesn't) and does not know what its like to trust your child to other people. Anyhow, after all the BS over it I decided it was best to just go to the church, rather than travel 2 hours to/from the reception, or stay at a hotel as she also suggested.

I brought my mother with me to the church. I gave a $150 check and card to the maid of honor to give to the bride at the reception. It was quite generous. 3 months later I got a thank you in the mail that stated something like "thanks for your gift...I'm mad at your husband (like it was his fault) and I'll never forgive you for not coming to my reception." So, I've not spoken to her in 20 odd years---and I haven't missed that friendship one bit.

Your friend has a lot of nerve.
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:42 AM   #5
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Rude!

Quote:
She's been my friend for years and has always had a habit of making snarky comments and generally making me feel bad and putting me down. This has caused me to back away from the friendship many times as I've seen it as being somewhat toxic.
I do not see how being toxic to people is friendly. Why did you agree to be in her wedding party if she's not a good friend to you? Is this a relationship you want to maintain?

If not, bow out of the whole fiasco now and say you feel overwhelmed. And if she presses tell her "Well, it's overwhelming enough in a normal wedding but with you getting all bridezilla rude... it's just too much. I am sorry, but I can't be a part of it." There. Brutal honesty.

Or if you want to fade away slower from the relationship since marriage tends to hog up people's time anyway...say that you want to be supportive as a wedding GUEST rather than a wedding party bridesmaid. Then you just have to attend the wedding and start the slow fade from her life and not bother with all this bridal party stuff.

Or if you just want to get thru the wedding bit since you already agreed and want to and have more time to mull the long term future of the relationship...

Really it is up to you how to manage this if you choose to go that long.

For example -- just don't go to the gym with her. Just go on your own and do your thing at your pace. There. Don't have to listen to her running commentary.

If she makes snarky comments at other times to you, call her on it RIGHT THEN rather than letting it stew.

Just say something like "Wow. I can't believe you said that out loud. " and remain calm and let her deal with the next step.

I think part of your upset is about not speaking up sooner and then letting it bug you and sort of fester later. So speak up!

Can also try another tactic -- parrot it right then. "You said _____. I think that means ______. Is that true? Am I right? " And see if she denies or corrects the misunderstanding or what. Sometimes it isn't so much the words but the feelings behind the words.

Now that you have all decided on a dress, there should be no "choose a dress" meetings. So that's done. There's probably a fitting closer to the date to be sure everything is fine.

It was bad of her to talk about you looking like an eggplant, but it wasn't good to repeat it either. Now the other poor bridesmaids have to wonder about looking bad and adding to wedding stress doesn't help. Spreading misery isn't the answer.

If she has a cow again at the bridal party -- Just speak up what everyone is already thinking. "Wow. You aren't being very nice to your bridesmaids. What's up with that?"

Say no more and no less. The other people have eyes to see and ears to hear how she is being.

GL with all this!

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Old 01-29-2012, 09:43 AM   #6
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Oh my goodness, this bridezilla is really out of control.

Congratulations on your weight loss. That is wonderful.

You could think about calling her and telling her that you don't know how much weight you will lose by her wedding, but if what you're doing isn't going to be enough for her, that maybe she should let you off the hook as a bridesmaid because you don't want to "disappoint her."

This should either give her a dose of reality or you'll have an "out" and can gracefully decline her offer to be a bridesmaid - did you pay for a dress already?

Other than that, I don't know what you can do besides ignore her. Whatever you do decide to do, I'm sure it will be the right decision.

Hang in there, and congratulations again on your weight loss success!
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:44 AM   #7
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BRIDEZILLA ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Some friend, in my opinion...and a hypocrite. If you want to lose weight do it for you. In spite of her I would keep on the weight just to piss her off haha. Seriously though, I don't know how close you are with the bride, or a sister of the groom whatnot...but damn just for saying that I would tell her to shove the bridesmaid dress up her @$$!

If nothing else you can tell her you will be the sexiest eggplant there, but the whole crowd will be focused on Captain Aheb and his White Whale! (mean I know, but she deserves that.)
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:05 AM   #8
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Wow...just wow.

Back out of the wedding AND the friendship. Stress of the wedding or not, you do NOT treat friends that way.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:11 AM   #9
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I know how you feel.. kind of.. i was in a wedding 9 months after my daughter was born.. i was using HER wedding as MY motivation.. which totally does NOT work!! You want to lose weight, you need to do it for you, I especially cannot believe that she weighs MORE and is pressuring u guys to lose weight, that shocks me.. I would ignore her, and if she keeps it up tell her she will lose 189 lbs before the wedding because u wont be a bridesmaid.. lol
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:15 AM   #10
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<<she told all of us Bridesmaids that we HAVE to lose weight for her wedding. >>

Wow! Can anyone say control freak? Personally, I would tell your friend that if she doesn't want you in the wedding party "as is," she can go look for another bridesmaid.

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Old 01-29-2012, 10:26 AM   #11
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Quote:
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<<she told all of us Bridesmaids that we HAVE to lose weight for her wedding. >>

Wow! Can anyone say control freak? Personally, I would tell your friend that if she doesn't want you in the wedding party "as is," she can go look for another bridesmaid.

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You said it, Freelance. OP, the bride has NO RIGHT to treat you this way.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:30 AM   #12
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She needs a good dose of Miss Manners! How rude and presumptuous of her to suggest that you all need to lose weight for her wedding. A friend asks another to be part of their special day regardless of their weight, and anyone who makes such demands needs to work on their interpersonal skills.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:35 AM   #13
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She needs a good dose of Miss Manners! How rude and presumptuous of her to suggest that you all need to lose weight for her wedding. A friend asks another to be part of their special day regardless of their weight, and anyone who makes such demands needs to work on their interpersonal skills.
Yes this!

I'm getting married. My bridesmaids are all different shapes and sizes from 00 to over size 20. I would never EVER dream of asking any of them to gain or lose weight for my wedding.

It's going to be a challenge to find a dress that would flatter them all (because their heights are also all over the place) so what I might do is decide on a color, give everyone a swatch of fabric in that color and tell them to find a dress that works for THEM.

I always thought it was silly that the bridesmaids all have to wear the exact same dress. If all your bridesmaids are of similar body types then I suppose that it works, but who really has friends and family who are all exactly the same?

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Old 01-29-2012, 10:38 AM   #14
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Your friend, and I am using that term loosely, sound incredibly superficial. Congratulations on your weight loss. I hope you are able to come to the right decision on how to deal with your situation after reading all of the good advice posted on here. I personally would not be in her wedding and would not consider her a friend. Friends uplift not tear down. Good luck!
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:52 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sontaikle View Post
Wow...just wow.

Back out of the wedding AND the friendship. Stress of the wedding or not, you do NOT treat friends that way.
^^this^^

I would NEVER have a *friend* who treated me that way & **** sure wouldn't be in her wedding.

& may I just say... Congrats on your weight loss thus far! You're DOING IT!
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