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Old 01-28-2012, 11:27 PM   #1
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Default Just feeling sad and wanted to post.

The past few days have been really rough on me and I don't really have people in my life that I can talk to about this, so I thought it would be safe to post on a forum that's kind of anonymous.

So, almost 5 months ago, I found out that my husband was cheating on me. We've been together for 7.5 years, but only married for 1, and now separated for like five months. I was completely and totally devastated. During our marriage, he had become really ill and was unable to control his anger so he'd been acting out to try and feel in control and stuff he was doing included cheating, not really getting along with people in my family, and being verbally abusive toward me when we fought. The fights were getting more frequent and when I found out his cheating was at the core of it, I was devastated. But, when things got really out of control, there was an intervention and his family and my family sort of tried to get him to talk about the problem. It went very badly and he became really angry and kind of violent. So, we ended up separated. Because family was involved our communication was all messed up and we weren't really able to talk at all, just sometimes over email when everything got even worse. Now, he says he hates me for ruining his life because his family knows all about the stuff he was doing and is giving him a hard time. All I asked him for is an apology and to talk to me without cursing me out, but he refuses and is just denying everything because he thinks that if he can have a tantrum long enough, it will all just go away. I keep hoping he will get better, will calm down, and will make some effort at trying to fix our relationship that doesn't involve me taking all the blame for misunderstanding his intentions and being unable to conceal his actions.

Mostly, our relationship had been really good so this came from out of left field and I am totally devastated. He was my best friend. I miss him so much every day and life just feels really, really empty without him.

Dieting and taking diet pills and stuff like that and now it's that time of the month, so I'm really emotional or something, but I can't stop crying. I've been crying for like 3 days now. I thought I was feeling a little stronger, but it just all came flooding back after my birthday and I'm so miserable right now. I wish I could just call him and ask him why he won't make an effort to do something other than just blame me, but I know that won't help anything, so I don't. It just feels completely hopeless and I am so sad because I miss him and I wish he would call and I know he won't. But, I was just really really sad and needed to vent.

Anyway, feel free to comment if you want to. Mostly, I just needed to say it aloud because I've been trying to put on a brave face for everyone and it's just eating me alive.
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Old 01-28-2012, 11:39 PM   #2
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I'm very sorry you're having a rough time right now. It's far better to vent, than to engage in behaviors that might be self-destructive.

If you're able to, you might want to look into a counselor or a therapist. Not only can they sometimes put a different perspective on things, but they can help you towards making healthy decisions during very emotional times.
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Old 01-28-2012, 11:47 PM   #3
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Thanks, Lovely. I do have a therapist (which I sought out after this situation really blew up in my face). She says I'm grieving and traumatized because of how this has played out. I've been ignoring rather than acknowledging my feelings about this and so it all comes bursting forth when I least expect it. I can't talk to family about it. I don't really have any friends left. The only person who I'd want to talk to at all is actually my EH, but...given that he's full of hate and threats, at the moment, I don't think he'd want to talk to me except to make me feel bad for making him confront this mess we are in. He feels like I've kicked him out and am judging him unfairly and has now taken to lots and lots of verbal abuse. So, it just feels like there is no fix to this at all.

I just thought it would be better to say it than hold it all in. I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in the past week so I'm a little bit emotional from being tired, too. And, I'm not buying much junk food because I'm trying to lose weight, so at least I'm not going to go binge eat a bunch of calories or anything. I don't even drink. I'm very tempted to call him, but I know that would be a dumb thing to do. So, I think I'm just going to try sleeping early and maybe I'll sleep through the night and be less sad in the morning.
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Old 01-29-2012, 12:17 AM   #4
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I'm very sorry to hear that you have found yourself in this situation. I'm glad that you felt that you could share your feelings with us. We are here for you.
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Old 01-29-2012, 01:48 AM   #5
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I hope you realise that, even though this is a terribly difficult time for you, that you are brave and will make it through. Your therapist is right (I am one) you are grieving. The feeling of loss and despair when you lose a relationship is mourning and it is devastating.

Depression is so terribly hard to deal with and I can only give you the same advice as I was given and it worked for me so I hope it will for you if you can try it

Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, even just one minute at a time. Right now you don't need to deal with the big picture, just this moment to the next.

Don't think .... do something not think something. Seriously, if you start to grieve, do the ironing ... paint a wall ... go for a swift walk. You are not suppressing feelings if you do non thinking activities.

When my husband cheated on me I was torn apart. I painted the house, top to bottom. I used to work till I was so exhausted I would simply get off the ladder (from painting the ceilings) curl up on the dust-covers and sleep.

You have to be kind to yourself. You know you are worth it and can feel proud of who you are.

I understand that you love and miss your partner and that you understand that he has issues that he needs to resolve. Right now you have to think about yourself and your needs and you need to be okay for you.

It is important that you do not close yourself off. Please keep going out. Please keep going among people. I know this is hard and perhaps you will find yourself crying even at what seem inappropriate times. ( I found myself doing so in the bank, at agencies etc) You don't need to say why but if anyone shows care, just say you are grieving.

Give yourself small treats. Like a bubblebath, a pannet of strawberries, something small that you really like and seldom have.

So, one minute, one hour at a time and `DO', dont think?
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Old 01-29-2012, 09:52 AM   #6
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Wow what a jerk, sorry you had to go through that!

I hate how he's blaming you for ruining HIS life.....OMG really!? Who's life did he stomp all over!? Seriously, I see you are upset now, you will probably go through the anger stage at some point...or at least I am doing it for you.

You really deserve so much better. As hard as it is to hear now, after investing years and a marriage into it...you do not have to suffer the rest of your life for this....at his hands. He may be sick, but that is NO excuse for what he did.

What scares me the most is his violence. Never ever let him justify that, not even saying he was possessed by satan...

Work on getting YOU back together as an individual. You will be able to handle this better as time goes on, but remember you are strong and need to get your groove back as you've been a couple so long.

Again it sounds like you are miserable, and I would be too. It's not your fault though, and don't stop living your life for YOU, because of his douchieness.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:15 AM   #7
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I am sorry you are going through this.

But you did a very brave thing. Try not to let him keep abusing you. Don't talk to him, don't email, nothing. He can contact you thru your parents if there's legal paperwork or something but no chit chat. What for? So he can get his emotional high off you and leave you depleted again? It's like a vampire.

I don't know if this will help you. But know it is NOT your fault.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

There's lots more at the main area http://speakoutloud.net

And if your library has it... "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Let me relist some of what you wrote:
  • really ill (but not seeking treatment?)
  • unable to control his anger
  • acting out to try and feel in control
  • cheating
  • not really getting along with people in my family (ie: cutting you off from support)
  • being verbally abusive
  • blameshifting = he says he hates me for ruining his life because his family knows all about the stuff he was doing and is giving him a hard time. (Abuse happens in secret. He's not sorry he abused you. He's just sorry it's not a secret.)
  • refuses and is just denying everything
  • thinks that if he can have a tantrum long enough, it will all just go away

Sounds to me like he wants to behave badly to you and have you be his punching bag AND clean up woman. This is not love. This is abuse and blame shifting. Fresh!

And don't fall for sweetie pie stuff if he tries to suck you back in. There's a whole cycle of power and control. Actions speak louder than words so if he's sweetie pie-ing you but acting like a beast -- you know you need to just keep away.

Here is a bigger power and control picture.
http://www.batteredmen.com/graphics/duluthlg.jpg

Here is a bigger power and control tactics wheel that sums up the longer PDF
http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...wheel1-480.jpg

Again it is NOT your fault he's lashing at you like this. It's his problem, and you cannot fix it for him. The sensible thing to do is to step away from danger and harm.

You did the right thing in splitting up and you are doing the right thing in working with your therapist. It will take time, but it sounds like both sides of the family are aware and supportive. Let his family take it from there as far as trying to straighten him out. It isn't your job any more.

You could call and thank your MIL and FIL for their intervention aid, and wish them well but explain you have to pull back and not contact anyone on their side for your OWN mental health and well being. Maybe that will help with closure for you? Talk to your therapist about that.

Turn to your family to help you get past this and move on. You are going to grieve, I know. But some things are not saveable and staying in a situation that keeps putting you in danger at the hands of an angry, volotile man? That's not the answer.

I hope your next relationship is kinder and more loving.

Hang in there.

A.
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:11 PM   #8
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I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not to blame! You shouldn't have to conceal his actions, if he didn't want his violent tendencies known he should not have been violent or have cheated! If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.
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Old 01-29-2012, 06:37 PM   #9
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patchworkpenguin, kay -- Thank you. The anonymity of a forum felt safe.

Sinoia -- Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice with me (and your expertise). It is helpful for me to hear how someone else has dealt with depression and infidelity. I try to keep busy, but, my emotions come bursting forth at inappropriate times (security pat-down at the airport during standard screening, sitting on the bus and passing by our old apartment, any number of seemingly innocuous statements from family and friends) so I've been avoiding being around people or going anywhere. His betrayal cut deeper than I expected because with the cheating came some emotional abuse (that I'm having a very hard time admitting to myself). I had gained lots of weight after a traumatic incident in college that I pretty much never dealt with and sort of disconnected from my body (fat felt like armor), so right now I've got a lot of painful things from my past really surfacing a lot. I like your advice to do, rather than think and maybe I will start doing things that don't allow me as much opportunity for obsessive introspection. I appreciate your advice and I think it might be helpful.

Judge Dread -- Thank you for being angry on my behalf. I seldom get angry at all and I usually just try to find a way that I can take the responsibility and fix things that upset me, instead. In this case….I can't, because I cannot change him or make him see what he's doing. He's denying the cheating and blaming me for allowing the affair to be exposed. I've waited every day for some sign that he cares enough to choose a path better than denial, but, he seems to want act like he didn't do anything wrong and he's been bullying me if I ask him to own up to his behavior. I am in disbelief and shock that he is behaving this way. I simply cannot believe he is doing this. The stakes are too high for me to compromise; if he thinks this is okay, then next time, he might act on his words and not just use them to scare me. I am devastated and I wish he would go back to the person he used to be and I feel such a loss because we used to have an amazing relationship and I have no idea what happened to make him flip like this; the only thing I can tell is that his antagonistic behavior came after the cheating began and worsened with his illness. He's always had anger problems, but he used to be able to control them. I don't even know how to get on with my life, though I am trying to. We had so much good between us at one point and I feel so bereft and like this is a nightmare. I still love him and I still have hope that he will change, even though I know I can't make him be accountable or remorseful or even change if he doesn't want to. I just can't believe that he doesn't love me or miss me enough to be responsible for his own behavior. All I can do is just be sad about it.

strophe -- Thank you for your candor and the resources you've shared. You seem to know a lot about abuse cycles. I'm learning a little at a time as I'm struggling to accept that the relationship had become abusive. I see the signs, but I still love him, so it's very hard for me to acknowledge it. The good was very very good and there was more of it than not (up until we separated, we still held hands every day when we went anywhere; the safest place in the world to me was sleeping in his arms), but the bad was unacceptably bad and with the cheating and the illness, the abusive behavior was escalating. I think that if he could understand what he was doing, he wouldn't do it because when he's not angry, he is a very loving and caring person. He got me like no one else ever did and that's why his betrayal hurts so much. I miss him more than I can express and I don't know where this person who I love has gone, because he is choosing to be an angry volatile person and instead of dealing with what he did, he wants to blame everyone who is aware of his actions or who has asked him to consider them. I do not want him to be in contact with my family; I would much rather he be in contact with me for a lot of reasons. He hasn't been in touch in over a month, now; he'd written an email that I felt was over the line and I didn't reply until last week (had to cope with what he said) to let him know that I love him and care about him and will only talk to him if he stops being verbally abusive or retaliatory and talks to me without anger. He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with his behavior, just says I've betrayed him and turned him into a monster, so I think he's probably just rejected me completely and given up trying to reconcile. He has probably gotten involved with one of his affair partners. And, yet….I'm the one who feels the loss. We did at one point have something great….I just don't know where it's gone and I miss him unbelievably and I wish he would just be that guy he used to be, again, or just call me so that we could talk about it rationally and if we're going to end things then we could do it with some kind of dignity instead of with name-calling and animosity; he says talking to me now makes him more enraged and so he only emails (or, used to), so I do not call and only reply if he emails me directly rather than initiate contact. I just can't believe all the good in our relationship has turned into this nightmare and I miss him and all the hopes we built into our life together that are crumbling now. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be okay again. I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to be in a relationship with anyone else again; I honestly don't think I'll ever be over him or this betrayal.
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11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday



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Old 01-29-2012, 06:54 PM   #10
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Some bad apples don't have to ruin your whole LIFE. Right now is much too soon, but take heart. When you are ready, later in life... you can find a nicer relationship that isn't hurtful.

I know right now you hurt. And you will grieve. But don't answer anything from him unless it is legal paperwork for splitting stuff up/divorce. A broken heart keeps on beating just the same. And in a garden, we must get rid of the weeds and old plants before we can think about growing something new.

This plant may have once born fruit, but it's rotten now. Time to prune it out.

I've seen several friends thru this and it is horrible every time -- abuse is abuse. And it can get ugly. I'm always afraid for my friend because the hardest time is the leaving time. It can get dangerous if the abuser wants revenge.

Remember something here though -- it is NOT about you no matter how he tries to make it be.

Protect yourself, work with your therapist, start your SAFE new life. Let yourself begin the healing.

But def try to get the book even if you order from amazon.

GL!
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Old 01-29-2012, 11:10 PM   #11
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Thank you everyone, for the supportive words.

I've been going through a really tough time and it's hard to let go when you love someone. I keep thinking that he knows better and he will stop acting like this, but I don't know if that's actually so, anymore.

I don't know if he wants revenge or not. He seemed to want reconciliation for a while, but only on his terms and not with any kind of apologies, just by way of negating my perspective entirely so he could make the statements about what was and wasn't true. This is what scared me and made me stay firm. If he can't even see he's hurt me so badly, then what's to stop him from doing it again and worse next time? The same approach for the cheating as the lashing out, I think. So, instead, I'm just hoping that he will change or that maybe I've overreacted about some of this or something. It's all a big mixed up mess. I feel really betrayed. And, because he has been kinda controlling, it's hard for me to make sense of whose truth is the same as my truth because I'm not so sure what to believe about anything anymore. Cheating is so bad (so is control), why do people who claim to love us have to be so dreadful?

I'm feeling better today. Not as much crying. Went for a walk. Caved in and had something sugary.

astrophe -- I will reply to your message shortly, and thank you for the Bancroft recommendation, too.
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Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday


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Old 01-29-2012, 11:21 PM   #12
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I don't think you have overreacted. I think you are right when you say that if he can't see {or refuses to admit} the hurt he has caused you, there's nothing stopping him from hurting you again.

I'm glad you are feeling better today
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Old 01-30-2012, 09:03 AM   #13
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As I have never been in your situation, I have been in one where I thought I knew him, and he had been lying to me for 10 years...creepy/crazy. I am not by any means saying that is your case..but it's a bombshell.

The worst part of it is trying to figure out WHY! You ask yourself questions..Why didn't I see signs? Why he do this to me? etc...I am not sure what illness he has...but his irratic behavior that he is displaying now almost sounds like it's substance abuse related too, as far as the excalation of his issues.

I know you love who he was..and I wouldn't bet on him being that person ever again, at least not for many years. Even if he were to go back to his old self he has created a lot of damage in the meantime that has emotionally changed YOU.

It sounds like you have a huge heart, and a having a huge heart sometimes makes you more vulnerable to getting yourself hurt. I know from experience that you have to be more protective and set standards otherwise people walk in and stomp ALL over your heart.

I think it's been great you have been standing up for yourself, but you could go a bit further by establishing your dominance over the situation especially to him. Right now he is trying to control you, and he is, emotionally. You may not be letting the cheating slide, or the abuse, but he is ruling you by your emotions, and he knows it.

At this point, by all the hurtful things he is saying he is trying to gain complete control of your life..to the point where you accept everything he has done wrong to you as "ok"..and everything he wants to KEEP doing.."ok". Blaming you is a huge part of that manipulation.

I don't know if you have filed for divorce, or if you intend to or not. But, do not drag this out any longer than you have to. If things are ment to be down the road so be it...but for now lay down the law and live your life for you. You WILL come out of it, if you live for yourself. Only when your healed can you see with clear eyes and eventually let love back in when you're ready.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:21 PM   #14
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I am glad you took a walk and got out and about a bit.

You are much wiser than you think you are. Check it out:

Quote:
He seemed to want reconciliation for a while, but only on his terms and not with any kind of apologies, just by way of negating my perspective entirely so he could make the statements about what was and wasn't true.
Bingo. Trying to control everything so he's out on top.

Quote:
This is what scared me and made me stay firm. If he can't even see he's hurt me so badly, then what's to stop him from doing it again and worse next time?
Bingo. Clear sign to keep away from him.

Quote:
And, because he has been kinda controlling, it's hard for me to make sense of whose truth is the same as my truth because I'm not so sure what to believe about anything anymore.
Bingo. You are calling it right on that one too.

He is being controlling and obfuscating in order to keep you off balance. That's mind games. Solution? Don't listen to him. Keep away.

Stick to YOUR truth, the real truth. Not his stories.

Quote:
Cheating is so bad (so is control), why do people who claim to love us have to be so dreadful?
Bingo again. People who ACTUALLY love us don't behave beastly to us. People who merely CLAIM to love us, yet behave so badly to us... they lie.

I think you are seeing him quite clearly. It's just not lovin' what you see. And really... who WOULD love what they see when what they see is THIS?

It's a huge disappointment, but it is NOT your fault. You did a brave thing getting yourself out of this and calling it for what it is. Hang in there!

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Old 01-31-2012, 01:29 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by astrophe View Post

I think you are seeing him quite clearly. It's just not lovin' what you see. And really... who WOULD love what they see when what they see is THIS?

It's a huge disappointment, but it is NOT your fault. You did a brave thing getting yourself out of this and calling it for what it is. Hang in there!

A.
Thank you for your words of support and affirmation. Reality checks are useful!

I'm trying very hard to stay logical about how this is handled and what happens. I do still love him because I can see the person that he is apart from this bad behavior and I know that he is capable of being better than this. What upsets and disappoints me is that he is choosing this kind of response and behavior instead of the other. I also know that there is a difference between love and acceptance and while I might just love him almost unconditionally, I do not accept that this behavior is acceptable. So, I can't go chasing him or something. He has got to see that this is not okay. He really and truly doesn't seem to see anything wrong with the things he's done, but they have been hurtful. That's a problem and I can't just sweep it under the rug. So, I'm just hanging in there as best as I can, but I feel so miserable and sad. I'm putting on a brave face and no one knows what I'm going through, but I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I trusted him completely and implicitly and I feel that he's betrayed that trust, but he seems to think I've betrayed his. I just have to be on my own to heal from it, but if I don't express how I'm feeling somewhere, I'm afraid it will eat me alive. It's tough to differentiate between fact and fiction and feeling when perspective is not only so shifty and malleable, but also embedded deeply in issues of self-hood, identity, body image, trauma, and blurred boundaries. Sigh. Maybe if I just express how I'm feeling once in a while, I'll be less likely to act impulsively on it! That is the hope.
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11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday


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