My ex will be at the wedding I'm in =(

Sinoia · 01-20-2012, 01:54 AM

I was in a relationship like that and understand all too well. That sort of emotional abuse is all about control and now you have your own control back so he is powerless, no matter what he may do at the wedding.

I know there is an historical, residual anxiety but you can set that aside.

Only you can know how vulnerable you feel and if you sat down and made a list on a scale of one to ten, one being that you do not go to the wedding at all, and ten being you go and he does not exist at all for you ... then you can decide on your course of action.

sontaikle · 01-20-2012, 08:29 AM

I'm sorry but you have every right to be pissed over the insensitivity of the bride and groom. Abusers do not deserve "POLITENESS" at all!

People really need to stop glossing over abuse and making it all "hush hush"

MARLA26 · 01-20-2012, 09:12 AM

I would not be at the wedding. Your friend was way out of line and callous in inviting him, knowing the circumstances.
She has to learn that there are consequences to her poor choices in life.

And you should not put yourself, your boyfriend and other guests in harms way of the abusive ex.
He might get drunk at the wedding, or before, to build up more nerve to act out.

There are a lot of negative news stories out there every week about people acting out and being violent at parties....leading to bloodshed and injuries and worse.

Your friend may have put you and others in harms way. Why should you agonize over this for months? A wedding should be a joyous event, not a battleground.

Your friend did not handle the situation properly, so therefore, you have every right to back out.
Her wedding might be wonderful fairytale for her, but it's a nightmare for you.

EZMONEY · 01-20-2012, 09:49 AM

It is the bride's wedding...

she can invite anybody she wants to...

it's not up to her to "police" anyone.

If the op feels in danger, in any way, she should bow out...

I am sure the bride will understand and if she doesn't then that's just too damn bad.

thinner · 01-20-2012, 09:50 AM

I too would be mad if I had put all the work, time (money??) into being a bridesmaid and then had to miss a reception, pictures, or any other part of it. I think someone should remind him to be prepared for who he will see there. My personal opinion is that he accepted the invitation to make people uncomfortable. If he makes a scene, he's only making himself look bad and proving to everyone there how he is without a doubt. Is there security at the venues? And, if he does make a scene, either he will be removed or you are definitely within rights to get up and leave, and it's HER wedding that got ruined, not yours.

Daki · 01-20-2012, 10:52 AM

Thank you, everyone.

I'm going to speak with the bride tonight and raise the concern that my ex might pull some shady sh-t. Almost all of the wedding party understands the background story even if they don't know the details. I'm pretty sure a few of the guys will be keeping an eye out for funny business.

I refuse to show him that he can still dictate my actions, so I'm going to tough it out, avoid him, and have a great time. Plus I spent $220 on that dress, I wanna rock it! It might not even be a "tough it out" situation. It'll just be the first time I've seen him in a year and half and I'm not sure if my reaction will be fear, indifference, anger, whatever. But I'm not a "cause a scene" kind of girl so I'll just avoid him with all my might.

I've already calmed down significantly about this. I freaked at first, but there's no reason to be afraid. He's old hat and I'm awesome. I am still disappointed they invited him but it IS their wedding. I accepted to be a part of it. All I can do is being an adult and avoid any interaction. I'm sure I'll be busy with bridesmaid duties anyway.

Thank you all for your kind words! I really appreciate it.

EZMONEY · 01-20-2012, 10:58 AM

great attitude DAKI

bandit bear · 01-20-2012, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EZMONEY

It is the bride's wedding...

she can invite anybody she wants to...

it's not up to her to "police" anyone.

If the op feels in danger, in any way, she should bow out...

I am sure the bride will understand and if she doesn't then that's just too damn bad.

Yeah, but inviting an abusive ex of one of her bridesmaids? Out of politeness? of course she has ever right to invite whomever she wants, but where is the politeness towards her bridesmaid?

bandit bear · 01-20-2012, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daki

I'm going to speak with the bride tonight and raise the concern that my ex might pull some shady sh-t.

I would honestly ask her if she would uninvite him simply due to it making you uncomfortable. She needs to ask herself who she wants more there, a close friend who is also in the wedding party, or a sometimes acquaintance. All she has to do is phone him up, say that she's sorry but he can no longer attend due to extenuating circumstances, and have that be that. If she hurts his feelings, who cares? And if she has to say something, if he asks, she can say she gave a miscount to the caterer and there is no room for him at the reception.

Daki · 01-20-2012, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandit bear

I would honestly ask her if she would uninvite him simply due to it making you uncomfortable.

The situation is not really so black and white. I told myself I would never interfere with his friendship with my friends because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to blame me for him having no friends left. A lot of our friends are torn because of who they thought he was for years and who he turned into after we broke up. They are all so loyal to everyone they befriend that they didn't really know how to react to his behavior. I haven't told most of them that he was emotionally abusive.

Another complication is this wedding would really only be a test run. His best friend and my best friend are getting married next year. We're both going to be asked to be in the wedding party. How this wedding goes will determine my answer if I'll accept the privilege of being the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. This is the real reason I don't want him uninvited. It would break my heart to decline to be in her wedding because of him. She dated my ex's friend for 2 years and our relationships mirrored each other. Those two might as well have been the same person. But we supported each other, helped each other find the confidence to end it, helped each other remember why we were leaving these duds, supported each other as we rebuilt ourselves and found who we really are again. Not only that, but I freaking set her up with her fiance! I can't keep asking that he not be invited to weddings.

bandit bear · 01-20-2012, 09:31 PM

Oh you absolutely can't back out of the wedding. No way.

The way you reason though, is very sound and I think you made your own argument as to why you should stay in the wedding, stay the whole time, and basically ignore him.

So his best friend is marrying your best friend next year? That's like friend incest! lol j/k. But that's really tough. If this goes OK, I would still be cautious accepting her invitation to be MOH because he might be the Best Man, and then you two would have to walk down the aisle together, plan and coordinate together, and that would just be all bad. But I'd worry about that later on. I do think it would be a good idea to have the groomsmen keep an eye on him. Is the couple who is getting married next year coming to this wedding?

Telorida · 01-20-2012, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee

Someone told me once, the best revenge is just to be happy.

I came here to say this exact quote - except I heard, "The best revenge is living well."

Make sure the male half of the bridal party knows to be on the lookout, and above all, if anything comes up, keep any drama WELL AWAY from the bride and groom. (I'll avoid going in to how weak-willed it was for her to invite people she didn't want to share the day with...)

You will get through this. Do NOT let him get the better of you. Be cordial. Be the better person. It sounds like you already are.

Your ex sounds like my father. (I mean to say... he sounds like someone who is depressed, lashing out at the world, and really needs help that nobody but a professional can provide.)

Alicia87 · 01-22-2012, 12:34 PM

I read the title of your post and thought, yeah I remember that.

My best friend is married to my on-again, off-again boyfriend's brother. My situation is different in that he is not abusive, but we have issues that we don't seem to be able to work out.

I was maid of honor in my best friend's wedding and obviously being that the groom was his brother, he was there too. It wasn't as big of a deal as you might think though. I know that my situation is different because he wasn't abusive, but as a member of the wedding party you are so busy taking care of the bride and pictures and you sit at the head table and so on, that you don't honestly have to work too hard to avoid people if you don't want to talk to them. It was awkward, no doubt, but turned out okay for me.

Just be you! Be fantastic, look gorgeous in your fabulous dress and enjoy the night with your friends. If you do have to interact with him, just politely say hi and then excuse yourself. You don't owe him anything, but you do owe it to yourself to enjoy this wedding. Don't give your power away to him, he doesn't decide what you do with your life - you do!!