I'm 24. My fiance is 35. I make $37,xxx/year, he makes less than $500/month. We live mostly on my income, and I also support his two young boys, ages 3 and 4, we have half custody of them. We have been together for two years and he has made this amount in income for about 1 1/2 year, he was doing much better financially when we first started dating.
I have tried numerous times to aid in his income making abilities, such as moving to a new home with a large garage, that he can work out of (he is a mechanic, and him not having a proper place to work on cars was a previous excuse). He helps out around the home occasionally, but I do most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and caregiving.
I love him and the boys very much, but I feel that our financial situation is causing a serious strain on our relationship. I have tried to explain this to him and I consistently express my stress over money as I handle our finances, but nothing changes. I work hard with nothing to show for it.
When is enough, enough? I don't want to end our relationship. But I also don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. I deserve more.
Chances are, he isn't going to change. So I think you need to decide if you can live with this situation for the long term. It is a tough situation to be in and I feel really bad for you.
You know that he is capable of pulling his weight financially, but he chooses to live off of your generosity. My ex husband was similar, which is a major part of the reason he is now an ex.
Sigh. After 2 years I think I'd just end it. That's enough of a dating trial run. The guy doesn't sound like "partner" material if you are looking for a partner.
You already live with him and see how he is. I don't think much of that will change.
Esp since you write he's not making efforts despite your talking to him about your concerns. You talk, and nothing changes. Well... how long DO you want to keep on with that?
He doesn't sound like he's job hunting. And he only helps occassionally in the home? He ought to be the best Stay-at-home-dad he can be since he's the one working out of the home less and they are his kids.
But it sounds like you are the one doing the bulk of both career and the SAHM duties and getting run down by it. And he's just a boyfriend – he's not actually your husband and these are not actually your stepkids!
I mean, if you are not wanting a partner and just wanted to date... you could date him and live in separate apartments and not have the extra hassle or work he brings you!
So why be living together this way when you are not happy? You do deserve better.
From what you have said it seems like he is using you. He knows that you care about him and the children so he does not feel the need to work harder. If couldn't work from home, why didn't he go to a dealership or even jiffy lube. A real man will take care of his family by any means.
He has two children which are his responsibility first, not yours. You are helping because you care, but as their father he should be the one breaking his back making sure that they have what they need. You teach people how to treat you. As Juliana said he is probably not going to change. If this has been going on for over a year that is the way he likes it.
Thank You all for such great and quick replies. You have said what I expected.
Ezmoney, I honestly don't know what kind of effort he is putting into it. He goes out to the garage. Tinkers. Then comes in dirty I think. I don't know because I do not spend a lot of time out there. I'm usually at work, or cleaning, or cooking, or picking up after someone. Mind you, I'm a retail manager, so I work crazy hours, with crazy days off, with crazy people. And I spend most of my working days cleaning up after someone.
Juliana, your completely right. This situation won't change. A good for you for getting yourself out of a bad situation.
Astrophe, not only do I talk, I cry, beg, yell, and nothing changes. (This is the usual process for these conversations: talk, cry, beg, yell. Rinse well, then repeat.) I've even talked to him about just helping me out more in the home, so when I get home, I can just relax. Nope. Doesn't work.
Mizzthingaling, no HS Diploma or ASE Certification (a mechanics diploma) is why he says he can't work at these places. Plus, we a one car household, so he does tote me back and forth to work, a 20 minute round trip drive, if that. My car broke down, never got fixed (go figure), and with him not pulling his weight, I can't afford a car right now.
I don't want to up and leave if I don't have to. One more conversation, one more chance. It's a FINAL chance though.
What would you all consider to be an appropriate timeline for change?
One month for a noticeable effort? Two months for change? Three months for drastic change? One year for keeping it up? Two years for re-evaluation?
Or should I just hang it up? I manage a retail store. Not him.
Before I met my now husband, I lived with a guy like this for 6 years. Never changed with any ultimatums, fighting, yelling, crying, or calm talks. My advice? Hang it up.
My friend was in a similar situation and it caused her much heartache. Her boyfriend stopped working just after they got together. He spent his days doing hobbies and nothing much else. A few months later, after begging him to get a job, and helping him get interviews that he sabotaged, she left him without telling him. She ended up getting back with him about a year later. He had a job and kept it. They're still together and going on two years. He is once again jobless, with no inclination at all to work, and being supported by her.
In your case, your partner has a responsibility to financially support his children. This does not have to be by mechanic work, and really, this point should be put to him. Any job that pays any amount would be appreciated. You should't have to support him and you will resent it later on. I can't tell you to leave or stay, but you don't need to be in a relationship that is not equal. Don't let yourself be used. If he has no inclination to earn anything, then he should be doing more around the house to help you out. Good luck, I wish you all the best.
Astrophe, not only do I talk, I cry, beg, yell, and nothing changes. (This is the usual process for these conversations: talk, cry, beg, yell. Rinse well, then repeat.) I've even talked to him about just helping me out more in the home, so when I get home, I can just relax. Nope. Doesn't work.
WOW. Begging, crying... and he still doesn't act like your concerns are valid despite seeing how much they upset you?
I don't think he values you. I'd start hanging it up.
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no HS Diploma or ASE Certification (a mechanics diploma) is why he says he can't work at these places.
This would bother me. He is 35 and not at least working at getting these things? So that he can improve the job thing if he loves mechanics so?
Not getting ANY ol' job to help out -- even flipping burgers? Not helping in the home? Jeez!
He doesn't sound much on effort at all! Just going to coast along all his life? His poor kids! They're stuck with him. You at least can get away!
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The fact that he's a mechanic and hasn't even fixed your car isn't a good sign either... Unless he tried and it wouldn't have been worth it....
Good point! How is your car? And if you aren't spending to support him and his kids, how soon can you get it mended?
Because then you can get to work without his help. Can you take the bus now? Start detaching?
Are you safe? Will there be retaliation at the break up?
Def plan to change the locks if you own the house. Or if renting, maybe YOU move out to a new flat? Breaking up is hard, but it is def easier done now than later!
Sorry, but you are being used. He has too good of a thing - he's 35 and he has a young girl like you supporting him and his kids financially. Do not ever EVER consider marrying someone who already has to "change" before the marriage. You have become his mother. You are young and free - find someone who will at least be your equal. He is 35 - he knows better.
My car broke down, never got fixed (go figure), and with him not pulling his weight, I can't afford a car right now.
So...... he works on cars..... and... can't fix yours? I mean, if its like, in need of a new engine or something major, I get it, but... he can't even try for THAT, for something he knows for sure how to do?
Oh, dear. Please.. it'll be hard, but do not waste your life raising his kids and supporting him, only to come out in the end with nothing. In this stay-at-home time he could have gotten his GED. REALLY EASILY. Sigh.
Why hasn't he fixed your car? (mostly just curious)
He's not going to change. Why should he? You're supporting him and his boys. He's got a good thing going on. I think you need to decide if you are happy supporting him and his boys or if you would rather not. It sounds like you would rather not. I also think you have a glimpse of what your future would be should you have a child with him. He can't support the ones he has---how do you think he would support a child you have with him?
I'm finding there are two types of people in the world. People willing to work hard to try to get ahead and people who are not willing to work hard to try to get ahead. I'm not sure why this is.
I definitely feel for you (and those kids). You cannot expect your fiance to change, however. He might, but I think history indicates otherwise.
Can you be happy if he doesn't change? Are you okay with living this way if he doesn't change? Base your decisions on the answer to these questions.
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