Hey
berryblondeboys
I don't have any experience dealing with people who have autism, so I have no advice or anything to offer you for dealing with your younger son, except to say that there's a lot that can happen in 10 years and you can't control a lot of it. Just do the best you can now.
However, as a person with ADHD, a few things did come to mind while I was reading about your older son. The first is that, although you probably don't need to be reminded (
), 15 is
really, really young. You're worrying how he's going to be as an 18yo who could go to college or to war (hypothetically) - when his brain and body will almost undoubtedly be much different than they are now - while
right now he's only just old enough not to be able to eat from the kid's menu and probably can't legally drive. Even "normal" kids his age can dig themselves pretty deep holes, especially if they don't have adults watching out for them and guiding them to adulthood - they generally don't have the reasoning ability or life experience to look at things like an adult would. And everything that I've read about the brains of children with ADHD says that their brains tend to mature more slowly than those of their neurotypical peers. They get to the same place in the end, it just takes them longer. I've read some estimates that ADHD kids have the maturity of "regular" kids 2/3 their age, although not all estimates I've seen are that low. If that were the case for him, it wouldn't be an excuse for his decisions, but it might help you deal more effectively with him. Even if he's not immature for his age, I'm not sure that trying to treat a 15yo like a reasonable, responsible adult is a good use of your (or his) time.
If he fails his English class he may learn that failing is a real outcome and something that he needs to work to avoid. If that's the conclusion that he reaches, does he have (or is he capable of developing
on his own) the organizational and study skills needed to pass his classes and finish high school and get into college? Or do whatever else he may want to do and be suited for - college (especially done directly after high school) isn't an appropriate choice for everybody, even really intelligent people.
Or he may learn that not trying is an acceptable decision, that failing is an okay outcome, or that his parents and teachers don't think he's worth pushing to succeed. If those are the lessons he learns, what will you do then? Try to backpedal? Yell at him more? Punish him for being "lazy"?
If you "push" him the way you've been pushing him (which sounds like it hasn't been very effective as far as him learning to take responsibility for himself goes) and he passes his class, what will he learn? That mom and dad will force him to do things he doesn't want to do? Well, that's probably not a new idea to him. It would be kind of sad if that were the only conclusion he reached from the experience and he didn't learn anything else between now and the time he turns 18 about accomplishing things or taking responsibility for his life, but he'll still be that much closer to at least having a high school diploma. And yeah, you won't be able to force him to complete college coursework or go to work or bathe regularly when he's an adult. But if he tried to get by a week without taking a shower
now, would you let it slide because in 3 years he'll be free to make that decision? Probably not, because it's only tangentially relevant to the problem at hand.
I'm not a parent, but from the information you've provided and my remembrances of myself as a teenager and my own parents' work to get my brother (also ADD) and me (almost entirely my brother, actually; I was pretty self-sufficient academically) through adolescence, I think this is what I might suggest doing for the English class:
Push him to succeed, but don't do it by yelling at him or just "harping" at him to do his work. I would probably start by looking for resources for dealing with teen ADHDers (
ADDitude Magazine's newsletters can be good; do you subscribe?) Find out what he needs to do to pass the class from him and from his teacher. Explain that failure isn't an option for him, that you will help him get the work done (that is, you'll supervise and support him), and that if he still does not pass the class there will be concrete academic and personal consequences (you'd have to follow through on this if he failed, of course) during the summer and/or next term. If this is the sort of thing that would keep him from graduating on time or keep him from being eligible for an extracurricular activity he likes, tell him that and explain what that will mean for him. Help him (or force him, whatever you have to do) to set up a plan that you and his teacher think will provide him enough time to get his work done. If he needs to start working on projects earlier than his classmates so he has adequate time to get them finished, then so be it. Then be there with him every. single. step. of. the. way. Every day: "What do you need to do for English?" "Let me look at that when you're done." "I notice that you haven't shown me a draft of that paper I asked to see last week, have you written one?" "I see you haven't gotten anything written in the 2 hours that you've been sitting at the computer, let's see what's going on." If he can't organize his thoughts well enough, stay focused for a long enough period of time, or gets so overwhelmed by the assignment that he can't make progress, sit there and take him through it calmly, step by step. Check in with his teachers as often as you need to. If he wants to fight you every step of the way - too bad for him (and you), but he'll be a sullen kid with a passing grade, a little bit of experience in how to make tasks manageable, and the knowledge that he can do it. If he cannot or will not apply that experience to his other courses, that's how it is. But he will still have learned more and have more to show for it than if he had been allowed to fail or simply yelled into passing/submission. I'm sure it's very frustrating for you and your husband, but don't give up on him.
More than the schoolwork (as important as that is), it sounds like your son needs help managing his ADHD.
Is he taking medication? Is it effective? Is the dosage correct?
"He simply can't find a system where he remembers everything." Well, is he being helped by his parents and his teachers to develop and maintain some means of organizing and remembering the
important things? Since he is a 15yo with obviously impaired executive functioning abilities, is it really reasonable to expect him to be able to come up with something like that on his own in the near future? He should be encouraged to take responsibility for himself, but if there are some things that need to happen but aren't because of something like his brain structure, then close guidance for the time being with periodic reassessments might be appropriate.
Does he have any understanding of what it means, both generally and for him specifically, to be ADHD? Has he begun to take ownership of his condition? Is he at all familiar with the comprehensive approach to self-management that the things I've read about adult ADHD all seem to recommend? Medication is only a part of effective ADHD management for a lot of people, and ignoring the "problem" isn't usually a good long-term option. If he's not, is that sort of knowledge something he could reasonably be expected to learn on his own now, either under his own steam or by being yelled at or ordered around? Would other methods have a better chance of success?
Does he have any comorbid emotional or physical conditions? If he does, are they being appropriately and effectively treated?
Is he working with an ADHD coach or counselor to learn how to manage his brain?
Does he qualify to have a 504 plan or an IEP? If so, does he have one that's current and appropriate? Is it actually being used?
Is his life organized in a way that provides as much structure as he needs (most ADHDers need a lot, but not too much) and avoids unnecessary distractions, but still gives him some freedom to be himself?
Is he being praised for the things he does well, instead of just criticized for what he's not doing well at?
I'm not sure what you mean by him being lazy. Laziness is just a label. It's a type of label that I like to think of as a discount label - using it allows people to discount others and be freed from having to bother with them any more by ascribing to them some invisible, unchangeable (or extremely hard to change), negative quality. When people take labels that have been assigned to them by others to heart it seems to either make them miserable because they've discounted their own assessment of themselves and their common sense and become enslaved to somebody else's standards (which are frequently oh-so-hard to meet), or allows them to discount their own abilities and sets them up for real failure by discouraging them from ever trying. How many people on this forum struggle with the "I want to lose weight but I'm just so lazy..." problem? How many others have been unhealthily restrictive to prove to themselves and whoever they think cares that they're not lazy? Calling it laziness doesn't actually say what the problem is. He's willing to fail a class. Okay. Why? Because he has some innate unwillingness to do any work? Er...maybe. But is it possible that there's something else going on? That he doesn't understand the real world value of doing the work (and let's face it, if he's enrolled in a public high school there may well not be one), and therefore doesn't want engage in what seems like a waste of time? Does he feel so overwhelmed by the length or complexity of his assignments that he views them as an unconquerable mountain that he can never climb? Is all his attention focused on some other aspect of his life that may or may not have to do with ADHD?* Does he subscribe to the idea (mentioned by another poster) that it's better to turn in no work than embarrassingly bad work? Can he not remember what he read well enough to complete assignments? Does he see academic achievement as some sort of power struggle that he's fighting against his parents or his teachers without understanding the long-term consequences of his actions? Has he hit an intellectual wall that he doesn't know how to work through? Is he having a crisis of confidence? I dunno. Maybe he is lazy, and there are times when everybody (or almost everybody) wants to quit or drop out of life. But I think it's more likely that
something, even if it's immature or irrational, is going on in his head and driving his decisions.
I'm sure you're working very hard to help your kids, and a severe ADHDer and a high functioning autistic must give you and your husband quite a lot of work to do. Things will probably continue to be hard for a long time, but that doesn't mean things will never get better. There are a lot of ADHD adults out there who are successful (at least on their own terms). Just because your son is having some significant problems now doesn't mean he's doomed to a life of failure. It may take him a few (or many) years to find his niche, but it can happen, and your love, support, and guidance will help him.
*A lot of people seemed to think I was lazy for being so fat in high school and college. I wasn't lazy. I was just spending all my time trying to keep myself together enough to get my coursework done, try to deal with the depression and anxiety that developed from untreated ADHD, and try to maintain some minimal level of functionality in society. I was briefly hospitalized for feeling suicidal in high school (and was probably pretty difficult and frustrating to deal with much of the rest of the time), and I find it difficult to imagine that there were times in college that I did not appear to be obviously mentally ill, at least to people who could recognize the symptoms, but I did quite well academically in both high school and college and usually found the coursework, as such, less challenging than I would have liked. However, since I couldn't manage my time or attention very well, even with the number of personal strengths and adaptive behaviors I stumbled upon, just staying afloat took all my energy. To a lot of other people that seemed to look like laziness, which was frustrating to me until I learned to give their ignorant opinions all the weight they deserved and focus on my own sense of how I was doing and on the opinions of a few trusted people who either knew me and cared for me, or who were less judgmental and more thoughtful advisors than most of my associates.
On a somewhat unrelated note, your comment about how bad grades shouldn't be an issue with your son made me tear up a little bit. It reminded me of something my dad periodically said to me when I was too obviously anxious about school (so..most of high school, all of college, and the beginning of grad school) until after the ADHD medication and other therapies started helping. "You're too smart for this to be so hard for you." He didn't say it in anger (what would he have had to be angry about - my grades were good); he just couldn't understand why I had to wind myself up so much just to function, and even though I tried I couldn't make him and my mom understand how difficult everything was for me.
Hang in there. "This too shall pass."