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Would this bother you??

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Old 12-20-2011, 08:05 AM   #1
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My husband showed me a package he got in the mail. It was something he was psyched about, I guess it's cool if you like Star Wars stuff, it is a chrome pizza cutter in the shape of the Enterprise.

It was a Secret Santa gift, the site that was doing the Secret Santa is reddit ("the front page of the internet") and apparently you sign on, you get someone's profile and chose a gift for them, and someone gets you.

He told me he got some teacher in the mid-west, and she is a single parent, and likes coffee and travel. So he got her some kind of travel mug.

What .... the .... heck ... is he doing, putting time and thought ino buying some total stranger a gift for?!? After I communicated that thought, he got defensive.

"It took me all of 2 minutes to search for it" was what he said. Um, for our anniversary you printed some cheap 'card' from the internet and folded it wrong as a card so not much thought or effort into that.

Now if it had been a male he was getting a gift for, i still wouldn't approve! This is not some needy person who needs food or heat.

we are not strapped to pay our bills but I put off buying myself a pair of winter boots just because .. I don't know..just because I put off buying things that I need. Like winter boots, a new pair of prescription glasses.

We haven't brought this up since. I think he wants me to forget it. I don't know where the Enterprise pizza cutter has gone we don't even make our own pizza, so it's just another bauble in a house of things I want to clear of clutter and unnecessary stuff!!

Yes I do have resentments against him for other things, so I'm sure that is playing into this.

Just need to hear from others if this was as inappropriate as I thought it was.
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:44 AM   #2
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Yes... I find it completely in appropriate, and the fact that he gets defensive when you bring it up even moreso.
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:47 AM   #3
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I don't necessarily think his actions were inappropriate, but I can understand why you're upset. Is it that you feel neglected or as though a stranger gets more of his consideration? In that case, I really can understand why you feel frustrated. The action itself though, I don't feel is inappropriate because I do Secret Santa on a Ferret themed forum I am on, and I love doing it. It's some stranger's ferret I am buying for, but for some reason, the surprise of it all, and the fact that my ferrets always love the toys others send just makes it so much fun. However, if I neglected my husband or our ferrets Hubs might get upset at me, and I can see that. Maybe you should have a talk with your husband about how it made you feel. I hope all turns out well and you all work it out. Hugs!
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:47 AM   #4
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woohoo, thank you Misti, all I need is just one person agreeing with me
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:48 AM   #5
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Yes, I have to say that it would bother me all things considered with respect to your relationship. Does your husband know that you put off buying "wants" for yourself? Men can be completely OBLIVIOUS a lot of the time.

Although, I don’t think the gift exchange was inappropriate in itself, in the context of your relationship I will say that he didn't put much thought into any of your extenuating circumstances.....especially considering your printed out anniversary card.
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:58 AM   #6
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I don't think his actions were inappropriate. He joined a Secret Santa and had to get a gift. However I think it's inappropriate that he gave you a haphazardly put together anniversary card.

When he gives you something you don't like, do you tell him?

We're conditioned to just accept gifts because 'it's the thought that counts' but honestly it's easy to see if someone got a gift for the sake of getting a gift or because they "had to." Next time he gives you something you don't like, tell him! Did you let him know you were disappointed with the anniversary card?

Yes, people will probably judge you if they find out. Blah blah whatever. I hate the whole mentality that we should just be grateful for whatever gift we get when it comes to close family members. They KNOW us and they should know what we want and like. If someone who isn't that close to you gives you an off the wall gift, that's different. Your HUSBAND should put a lot of thought into each and every gift or card he gives you.

A couple of years ago for Christmas my fiancee (boyfriend at the time) got me a wallet. A WALLET. I didn't need one or want one and he knew this (I have a really nice wallet I bought when I was in Italy that I still use). I put a lot of thought into his gift and when it came down to it he really had no excuse. I play video games, the same ones as him. A lot of guys would kill for a girlfriend like that and love to buy her video games.

My mother encouraged me to pull him aside and tell him I didn't like the gift. So I did. I gave it back to him and told him that I was hurt because I put a lot of thought into his gift and I expected him to put a lot of thought into mine. He got me another gift and has made sure that he puts thought into what he gets me ever since.

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Old 12-20-2011, 09:10 AM   #7
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Totally inapproriate. Why was he doing this without your prior knowledge ?
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:37 AM   #8
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ferretlover - thank you for your answer too! Yes I felt neglected, you nailed it. And i liked your likening it to your ferret exchange also.

mammasita - yes, he knows I 'put off' things for myself. To give fair credit to him he does encourage me to get those things. So....guess that's my bad there. I guess I want HIM to 'put off' buying things too, but he's always been a 'get it if you want it' person.

sontailkle - you know, I DIDN't say 'what a crummy card' because I knew he'd act hurt. So I was avoiding confrontation, even if it was a tiny confrontation. God, as I listen to myself I seem like the one that needs therapy (better yet - couples therapy, right) I think you were awesome when you told your guy that the wallet was not a cool gift to give you.

bargoo - I don't know why he didn't include me in this. I do belong to website forums that he doesn't...like this one! but I think maybe he didn't tell me because he knew I'd object?
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:49 AM   #9
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Hmmm...I can understand that he doesn't see that its a big deal. In his mind, he was just doing a fun gift exchange.

He needs to realize that the problem isn't the gift giving itself, but that what he bought this woman was thoughtful and specific to her, not just some generic secret santa gift (like a gift basket or something.). And that he was so psyched about the present she got him.

Also, like mentioned, he didn't include you in the whole process. He should have realized that he was BUYING A GIFT FOR A WOMAN!!! And that he should have at least asked your opinion. Something along the lines of "Hey, I'm doing this fun gift exchange online...I got a woman, would you look at her profile and help me pick something?" would have saved a lot of conflict and saved you some seriously hurt feelings.

I understand how you feel, and while I don't necessarily think its inappropriate in and of itself, how he handled the situation was disrespectful to you.

If this had happened to me, I would have (in a perfect world where I don't yell or overreact...) told him, "Look...this situation bothers me and I wish you would have gone about it differently. I honestly feel like you put a lot more thought into this woman's gift than you've done for me in the past."

I mean, past is past and he can't undrop the bomb, but he does need to respect your feelings about it and make up for it.
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:09 AM   #10
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I've done Secret Santa exchanges in an online community. It sounds like he was excited about the pizza cutter.

I'm curious about the winter boots and glasses (mainly cause I do the exact same thing!). Why don't you get yourself what you need? I'm curious--cause that's what I do too! We are not rolling in money but I could get some new clothes. I don't. Everyone else in the family does. Why do women choose to go without even when we really really don't need to? My husband wouldn't. He's far more of a clothes horse than I am---although when we have money for clothes and I said, "I need clothes" he would be the first one to take me shopping.

But I don't buy the things I need, even though I could---and then I do resent the money spent on other things. But it's my choice to deny myself my needs, and then I'm annoyed.

Why don't you buy yourself your boots and glasses?
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:14 AM   #11
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I've done Secret Santa exchanges in an online community. It sounds like he was excited about the pizza cutter.

I'm curious about the winter boots and glasses (mainly cause I do the exact same thing!). Why don't you get yourself what you need? I'm curious--cause that's what I do too! We are not rolling in money but I could get some new clothes. I don't. Everyone else in the family does. Why do women choose to go without even when we really really don't need to? My husband wouldn't. He's far more of a clothes horse than I am---although when we have money for clothes and I said, "I need clothes" he would be the first one to take me shopping.

But I don't buy the things I need, even though I could---and then I do resent the money spent on other things. But it's my choice to deny myself my needs, and then I'm annoyed.

Why don't you buy yourself your boots and glasses?
I do the same thing. My mom usually gets sick of me not buying anything for myself and takes me shopping or to get a haircut (I refuse to pay somebody to cut my hair.)...so it kind of takes my husband off the hook as far as that's concerned. I'm always getting things for my husband and surprising him with something, but doesn't really reciprocate. He woke me up the other day saying he'd been to the store and gotten me a present...he was pretty darn proud of himself.

He got me VCF strips (TMI...sorry!). The thing is...I know he was trying to be thoughtful. He just sucks at it.
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:40 AM   #12
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I know this is serious - but I was laughing the entire way through your post! I think your hubby sounds hilarious and odd!

All I can say is, I assume he was weird when you married him - you can STILL say after all these years he is full of surprises!! Unfortunately they are not always for you -

Oh man, I'm still laughing. In an odd way, I find it cute when men take interests in weird things men *typically* don't care about. And then he was super excited to get a Star Trek pizza cutter even though he never bakes!

Sometimes you just have to laugh it off - people that are different make the world a colorful place.

I can see why you were agitated - but the story is really too funny to cause any real anger or resentment. You also do a good job telling it!

I agree with midwife: go buy the boots.
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:47 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtyKay View Post

He got me VCF strips (TMI...sorry!). The thing is...I know he was trying to be thoughtful. He just sucks at it.
Sounds a like a gift for him too!!!
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:08 AM   #14
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Sounds a like a gift for him too!!!
lol, I think it was primarily for him. We have to use protection for another few weeks or so, and he doesn't like the "love glove" option. But he just had this look on his face when he gave it to me...like our dogs get when they make a poo on somebody's lawn during a walk. Or bring us a dead bird.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:24 AM   #15
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I would be angry at the effort put into purchasing something for a stranger and the excitement in getting something in return....based on the lack of interest in buying something for you for a special day in your relationship. Clearly, printing a card off the internet takes no forethought whatsoever. You are right to be mad. You might want to call into question every little thing that angers you and decide whether your feelings are valid and where this relationship stands. If my fella put more effort into caring for a stranger than he did for me, everything would come into question.
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