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Interesting relationship question...

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Old 12-19-2011, 04:29 PM   #1
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Red face Interesting relationship question...

If you could have your soulmate and children but no one else in your life (no family, friends, etc. just casual acquaintances) would you take it? Or if you could have friends and family and a spouse that you knew wasn't right for you but never "the one" would you take that? Just curious. My husband and I were discussing it today.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:14 PM   #2
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I think we focus so heavily on romantic relationships (in western culture) and really forget how rich and wonderful non-romantic relationships can be.

I love my boyfriend and all of the romantic relationships I've had have been rich, wonderful experiences, however... My friends and family mean so much to me. I'd pick all of them over "the one", if I had to make that choice.
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Old 12-19-2011, 05:28 PM   #3
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As long as I have my kids, I don't care.
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Old 12-19-2011, 06:43 PM   #4
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Right now I feel like that is my life. I moved away from my family and closest friends and the friends I made in grad school have graduated and moved away. I have 3 kids and I just don't get out much. I seem to be okay with if but it would be nice to have more close friends near me.
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Old 12-19-2011, 06:50 PM   #5
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I gave up almost everyone in my old life for "the one". Best decison I ever made for myself. I later found out my so called amazing friends were not even close to being that.
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Old 12-19-2011, 07:04 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lambiechop View Post
If you could have your soulmate and children but no one else in your life (no family, friends, etc. just casual acquaintances) would you take it? Or if you could have friends and family and a spouse that you knew wasn't right for you but never "the one" would you take that? Just curious. My husband and I were discussing it today.

It's a trick question, because anyone who you would have to sacrifice all current and future close relationships for, is an abuser not a soulmate.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:49 PM   #7
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It's a trick question, because anyone who you would have to sacrifice all current and future close relationships for, is an abuser not a soulmate.
I don't think the question was meant that way?
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:08 PM   #8
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I don't think the question was meant that way?
It really wasn't. In my case my husband and I only have each other and our children. We have parents but they have moved on with new spouses and children, we don't have any close friends (neither of us), our siblings are so self involved that we have virtually no relationship with them (my kids don't even know they have some aunts and uncles) and we live across the country and across the world from most of our family.

It's not like we're hermits and don't have work and neighborly acquiantances but for the most part we're all we have. By choosing not to have all sorts of outside interference we lead a pretty drama free life, no one questions our relationship or our parenting skills, we don't have to constantly put out fires in other people's lives, etc.

I'll have to let my husband know that we're in an abusive relationship though. Too funny. I'm not keeping him from anything or anyone and the same goes for me.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:33 PM   #9
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I went through a period of lonely where I had just spouse and child. I love them both dearly, but that early infancy SAHM place was rough and tiring. I like it much better now that child is older, I can get out to volunteer, we're active in church etc.

Though the second choice struck me as off. If not "the one" why marry them or stay married? Can still be with friends and family as a single.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:47 PM   #10
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I worded that way because a lot of people I know just settled because they were afraid they'd never get married and even more people who got married because they were pregnant and it was the "right" thing to do.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:22 PM   #11
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I worded that way because a lot of people I know just settled because they were afraid they'd never get married and even more people who got married because they were pregnant and it was the "right" thing to do.
I figured. But I don't think that would be a choice for me. Wrong partner is wrong partner. Much easier to be single. Life is long. I wouldn't want to spend decades married to the wrong person. Not fair to the other person either.

"Ok, honey. I settled for you even though you are not right for me so I don't have to be an old maid."

It cheats me and partner out of a chance at real happiness.

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Old 12-19-2011, 10:23 PM   #12
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I would choose friendship however I could get it. If my soulmate was truly my best friend, I'd probably be OK with that. If my mate was less than perfect match, but I had true, lasting friendship in my life, I'd find the marriage more tolerable.

Not sure which I'd prefer. I suspect ultimately I'd rather have friends.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:39 PM   #13
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I know the question wasn't meant that way - but it's still an impossible choice - both choices are extremely bad ones. No matter which you chose, you'd be in a very bad spot.

I think the "soulmate" as in "I need no one else" is a huge myth. Just as people will literally go crazy in extended solitary confinement, they also go crazy when they have close relationships with very few people.

Ironically, I tend to run on the hermit end. I don't need as many close relationships as my husband does (and yet I still have at least a dozen I wouldn't part with, even for my husband).

It's romantic to believe that you'd only need one other person in your life, if it was the right person - but it doesn't really work that way. The fewer close relationships people have, the less intimate they tend to be with their partners as well.

The question is a bit like asking "which would you prefer: to be killed by firing squad or electric chair?"

It may be entertaining to consider the question, but my answer to both questions is "My preference would be neither."
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:20 PM   #14
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I think we focus so heavily on romantic relationships (in western culture) and really forget how rich and wonderful non-romantic relationships can be..
This is a really good point. I live in India where marriages are mostly arranged, even among wealthy, urban young adults. Your spouse is just another member of your family, not the starry-eyed "we found each other and decided to stay together" mentality in the West. Some people are not even really friends with their spouse. He/she is someone with whom you procreate and combine family wealth. It's not even someone with whom you manage a household and make decisions, since a newlywed couple rarely lives anywhere else besides in the home (and under the thumb) of the husband's parents. Arranged marriage love is described as one that develops over years or decades. It happens because you get to know someone and spend a lot of time with them, and thus begin to care about their well-being. It's quite different from the concept of romantic love we have in the West.

The institution is not for me, but my point is that in many countries there is no concept of a soulmate/life partner. A spouse is never "the one" but someone whose caste matches your caste, who (if you are male) can afford to marry you, and whom astrologers deem appropriate for marriage based on star signs. In these cultures, they get along just fine without a "soulmate" or life partner they picked.

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Old 12-20-2011, 02:28 AM   #15
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I'm not sure if this "soulmate" concept is helping anyone. I've known many "soulmates" who couldn't make a relationship work longer than a few months! Also, after one has had many different relationships, it is easy to see how different people are good for you in different ways. There are a lot of good people in the world. Some fits are better than others, but no one is ever a perfect fit - there will always be trials and tribulations.

I am in a similar situation as you (minus the kids). My boyfriend and I are also best friends, but it is clear to me that he's not enough. I'm still trying to make good friends here, but that is really really difficult, esp. as you start getting older (I'm almost 30). People in this range already have their friend circle, families, and careers. Yeah- it is lonely and I'm trying not to go insane (thanks kaplods!). I do miss my parents and family back home, but they are in a strict religion that I don't fit into, so its not really a possibility that I return. In addition, my best friends in America are scattered all over the country now.

I'm not going to have a big friend circle, wherever I am. I think a lot of people are in this situation. I think sometimes we have to love what we have, be thankful for the simple things, stay positive and realize that we will eventually meet those good friends. It comes with time.

I was quite depressed upon moving here because of my 'sad' state of friends (namely, I had none). I eventually sort of got over it. I think this website also helps me stay in communication.... I mean I would rather be able to have these discussions in the physical world, but right now its not an option.

In the end, I take what I can get.

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