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Old 11-30-2011, 02:04 AM   #1
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Unhappy im angry..im upset..im frustrated..im bawling my eyes out..and

I know that this place isnt meant to be a therapy place but couples sex therapy doesnt exist in port hardy..and quite frankly..im angry..im angry to the point of tears..

Is this normal? Seriously..

Ive been with my fiancee for almost 3 years. We have a beautiful little girl. Before are little girl, we had a great sex life..every day or every two days..then i got pregnant..and then it was down to nothing..then we had her and it was great for a month and then it became.. once every week..and now once every two weeks.

ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS!!!!! seriously!!!!

For the past two and a half years i have been asking him to make a change and make it consistent.. i want a consistent sex life.. i want it every couple of days..not once a week or once every two weeks..it doesnt matter how great or how bad our lives are going..nothing changes in that department..and when i ask him why..the only excuse he ever uses is " it feels like too much pressure"... TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! i lowered my expectation and said "well what about every 3 days" and did that work? well..for maybe two to three weeks..and then he went back..to 1 every two weeks..

Come on..he is 32 and im 25..is their something wrong with this freaking picture to anyone else!!! we should be at it like rabbits..we are in are prime young years..and instead he is acting like a freaking 80 something year old..and trust me there is no issue in getting it up...

The part that makes me cry the most is the fact, that i feel like its all my fault..like im not good enough for him..that im not attractive enough for him to want to sleep with me.. or the sex isnt good enough...or im too fat..or too ugly..i know i dont look pretty like i did when i met him... ive been trying to diet to lose weight..and ive been losing the weight loss battle..and im just getting bigger..and maybe im just not attractive anymore.

Im so freaking upset..and i feel so hopeless...

I mean.. other girls want diamonds and makeup and jewlery and money for clothes and cars and nice stuff..and all im expecting is some intimacy and romance in a physical way more than just once a week.. and he cant even give me that..

Why is it that im in love with this amazing man who cant give me the one thing i really want from him?

Maybe i should just ask him to buy me the moon and a few stars.

-End of rant.
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:33 AM   #2
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My ex and I dated for over 5 years, and lived together for the last 2 years.
Of course at the beginning, our sex lives were rampant. It definitely lessened when we moved in together...I think that's natural when you are dealing with "real life" together, and not in the "dating" phase anymore.

Having said that...I progressively gained weight during our relationship, and when we moved in together, I gained progressively more. At 5'0, my high was 150lbs and considered obese. I also did NOT CARRY IT WELL.
As much as I would have loved to turn the lights out and get my needs met, well....I certainly didn't like the way I looked naked, and so I know how HE felt about it. Half the time, I would wear a big t-shirt, with lights out... Sigh.

I think we delude ourselves to think that our significant other will still be attracted to us when our appearance changes....drastically, in my situation. I gained over 30 pounds dating him. Of course our sex life was hampered. He wasn't attracted to me physically anymore. I'm not placing blame. That was just the truth. He still cared about me. I sometimes think he felt really guilty for not being able to be attracted to me anymore. I wish that we had lived in a Utopia where I could have kept gaining and our sex life wouldn't have suffered, but........

Anyways, I'm not saying that this is your situation at all. Just wanted to share my story with you, because I always had a high sex drive with him, and it always hurt when he would not "fulfill my needs".
Right or wrong, his needs were for me to keep my body healthy and attractive to him. That didn't happen, and it's not like he sprung it on me...I was aware that my gaining weight was affecting him. Again, I'm NOT saying that he was right or wrong. Sometimes the truth doesn't have any morality claims to it. It was what it was.

And I think most people are like him.

All over these boards, I hear so many women comment on how loving and awesome their husbands and boyfriends are regardless of their weight. That's amazing, and it makes me so happy to know that relationships like that exist. I just know that it's not necessarily the rule.

I don't want to get into semantics about how love should be blind. Because I don't necessarily believe it's black and white. I've never had to be tested to see if I would remain attracted to a potential mate if he gained a large amount of weight. It doesn't mean that I would (or could) stop loving him. But attraction is a funny thing, and love and attraction aren't necessarily synonymous.

Take care of yourself.
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:42 AM   #3
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I am in a similar situation, though I am in your husband's shoes. I fully understand what he means when he says it's too much pressure. If you can masturbate, do that instead for a while. I know it's not the same as sex, but it does sound like your husband needs space for a while. It's hard when you feel like you're on a sex schedule. Incompatible sex drives are very common. It may be worth researching. I doubt it has to do with your weight though. Either way, best of luck. It's a difficult situation for both of you to be in. :/
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Old 11-30-2011, 04:00 AM   #4
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Iīm more or less in the same situation as you are, and itīs been over a year. At first we would do it every day, then it was every other day, then it was twice a week, thatīs when I started asking for more. I actually weigh less now than when we first met, so itīs not a weight thing. But for me, it has to do with the fact that I feel he is not attracted to me anymore, and it hurts.

Weīve talked about it, and he has admitted that he doesnīt want it as much as I do, that although he feels attracted to me, he probably is not as attracked to me as I am to him, but that he would try. Since then, I have lost weight, Iīm doing more sports, and Iīm feeling more attractive, but funny enough our sex life has deteorated even more. Now, we probably do it once a week, and I have the feeling that it happens once a week because he is aware of my unhappiness in that department, otherwise I think we would probably go a lot longer without it...

Apart from making me feel like the ugliest woman on earth, it also makes me insecure about us (he never cheated on me, but he was about to once). Iīve tried everything but not caring and I honestly donīt know what to do anymore, so I really canīt offer you much more than someone you can talk to, that kind of knows what youīre going through....
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Old 11-30-2011, 04:21 AM   #5
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If I were you, I'd stop pressuring him. No one wants to do something when they feel forced.

I tend to empathize more with your boyfriend. I have a lovely, attractive boyfriend who always wants to have sex - almost as much now as when we first met 3 years ago. Anyway, when I feel the slightest bit forced, it turns off anything 'sexy' inside me. My sex drive is definitely nothing compared to his. It could be stress - I have a job that feels like I work, at least mentally, 24 hours a day.

Well, I'm glad you posted this. I think I now understand better how it could be hurting my boyfriends feelings! Men are usually straight forward, if it was about your weight gain, I feel like he'd say that.
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Old 11-30-2011, 04:49 AM   #6
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He is not exactly the sexless wonder, but he is slowly getting there. When it is down to once a month, then I would get very concerned.

There are a lot more fish in the sea, but how do you hook a good one?

Have him take in more zinc. Zinc improves the sex drive.
Oysters are high in zinc and so are raw pumpkin seeds. You can get raw pumpkin seeds at a health food store, or buy them online.
They have no shells and they must be the raw ones.

He could have more stress in his life or a low grade infection or other health issues.
If he is gaining weight that could be detrimental also.

And start a new diet and exercize program soon. Talking hasn't worked, so it's time to take action.
Involve him in your exercize program. Get him healthier.
If he sees you losing weight he might start to wonder why, then get less complacent and sure of himself.

Best of luck to you.

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If you want to do something...you do it.
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Old 11-30-2011, 06:18 AM   #7
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I've gone through this post-baby too - at 130lbs (btw, same age gap for us too, 27 and 34)

I think it may be worth considering that this isn't necessarily related to your weight but the stress of a baby, new relationship after a baby (once it settles after the birth - sometimes we have a 'high' right after to force ourselves back to normal pre-baby couple then reality hits), etc.

I go to a huge baby forum too and this is a very common issue, big or small girls alike.

It can be hard to get back into the 'groove' when you've avoided sex during a pregnancy (I lost my last one but it was a no-sex one, it took time after). Also, I think sometimes people perceive men as hot & ready & willing at all times - this is a bit of a myth that puts a lot of pressure on men. There are times where they really just aren't in the mood OR there is an emotional separation that prevents them from wanting to.

Does he look at a lot of porn? I know when I was postpartum, I told my H to just go look at that because I couldn't do much (I couldn't... traumatic birth), unfortunately he just looked too often and got lazy. I am 100% for porn in consensual relationships - but it can be a lazy outlet and sometimes you need to remind them that they are neglecting you in favour of a quick fix. Of course, that's only if that's the issue.

Have you ever read marriagebuilders.com ??? You might find it useful.

I really do sympathize... my son is 17 months and we've recently broken this cycle. It takes work. But lay off the pressure for now.

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Last edited by sacha; 11-30-2011 at 06:18 AM.
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Old 11-30-2011, 06:38 AM   #8
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I am also on the other side of your problem.

I've been with my husband since 1997, married in 2003. We were the same in the beginning - sometimes twice a day. That lasted about a year. Then it was every other day for a couple of years, then slowly it got down to a couple of times a week - we were there before we had our first baby in 2003. After babies, it's been a different story (we now have 3). It's all me... I am just not in the mood far too often. Tired, busy, cranky.. and at the end of the day I feel like it's one more obligation to fulfill (terrible, I know). But especially when DH has complained about it - I want to do it even less. I think for me what it is lacking is the mood. I need to FEEL sexy in order to want to have sex - and dealing with bickering kids, homework, nursing (have a 2 year old), dirty dishes and laundry... well, there's just not a lot of sexy in that.

I've also gained 30 pounds since meeting DH (currently 15 pounds more than where I met him). For him, I think it was not a problem at all. He always tells me that he loves me, thinks I'm beautiful, and he clearly always finds me attractive. Not to say that that is true of every man, but it certainly is of mine.

If your biggest worry is that he has lost attraction for you due to your weight, I think you really need to get it out there on the table once and for all. The worst thing he's going to say is that it is true - for him, your weight makes you less attractive. You can then take action - and how sexy is that?? If you tell him, 'right then, since this weight is a problem for both of us, I'm going to work on it starting today. Get ready for your healthy slim fiancee to make a reappearance in a couple of months, buster!"

The other possiblity is that he's just responding to the pressure. Believe me, the pressure DOESN"T WORK and it is SO UNSEXY. DOn't say anything more about it - just take action. Make yourself happy and healthy, work on your weight which will only improve your self esteem and your appearance, be loving and warm and accepting of where he's at right now.. and loosen him up every now and then with a nice glass of wine on a weekend and see where it leads.. but let him take the lead for a little while to take teh pressure off!

Anyhow, take heart.. this is all solvable. Sex drives come and go, and this is maybe a rough patch in what is probably a long and wonderful life together. Be gentle with yourself and each other.

For every 5 pounds lost:
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Old 11-30-2011, 06:52 AM   #9
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I disagree with JOLINA, that you should start becoming very concerned. I think our society places tons of unnecessary influence on "normal" sex lives. Really, what is normal for one couple isn't normal for them all. One couple may have a wonderful sex life if they have sex once a month, another may suffer.

I also don't think his disinterestedness is necessarily a physical problem or some sort of infection.

Instead of pressuring him, I'd probably have an honest talk: you feel the need to have sex multiple times a week. Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement that doesn't involve pressure.
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Old 11-30-2011, 07:17 AM   #10
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He may have a medical problem that he doesn't want to tell you about. Someone I know had UTIs for YEARS that were related to sugar in his urine (pre-diabetes). It took him years to get a good diagnosis and he was too embarrassed to say it was painful to have sex sometimes.

Food for thought I hope.

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Old 11-30-2011, 07:59 AM   #11
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I agree about letting up on the pressure. Sex on demand is a turnoff. There is also this, some men lose interest after you have had a baby. They find having sex with a Mother a real problem. Don't know if this is the case but I would definitely let up on pressuring him for awhile and see what happens.
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Old 11-30-2011, 11:18 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Porthardygurl View Post
For the past two and a half years i have been asking him to make a change and make it consistent.. i want a consistent sex life.. i want it every couple of days..not once a week or once every two weeks..it doesnt matter how great or how bad our lives are going..nothing changes in that department..and when i ask him why..the only excuse he ever uses is " it feels like too much pressure"... TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! i lowered my expectation and said "well what about every 3 days" and did that work? well..for maybe two to three weeks..and then he went back..to 1 every two weeks..
I don't mean to offend you by saying this, but you seem to have a communication issue above anything.
You asked him why and he gave you and answer, not an excuse - and that wasn't good enough for you. He said it feels like too much pressure and you don't believe that.
Im sorry, but just from reading you're post I can sense the pressure you place on sex.
Things were 'hot and heavy' at first, but things die down, it happens with a lot of couples.
It's great you know what your sex drive is, but obviously his isn't the same. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to be willing to work around it and not expect he should give it up when ever you want.

Take it for what it's worth
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:07 PM   #13
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men owe us sex on demand about as much as women owe men. If a woman was in here telling us how a man was trying to impose a sex schedule on them we would be all up in arms and half the people here would be telling her to dump him. You've turned it into a chore which is not exactly sexy.

it's normal for sex to become less frequent. And people have different sex drives. A man having a lower sex drive than you is not some failing on his part.
Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:32 PM   #14
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I wonder if it's a problem when one partner is wanting the other one to have sex with them more to prove that they're still attracted to the. I think that would feel kind of negative and be a turn off for some, if they picked up on it. I think sex is especially fun when both partners want to do it for more, uhh, pure reasons (can't think of a better word for it).

OP, it sounds to me like that is not your only reason and maybe not even one of your reasons when things started to slow down, but now it is and it sounds like it injects some anxiety into the whole thing, kwim?

And I do agree that pressure and ultimatums, and schedules aren't sexy. I would back off from that.

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Old 11-30-2011, 12:59 PM   #15
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I'm sorry to hear it, as it seems to bother you so much.
But, it could be worse: my husband and I of 3 years have sex once a year.

1 = 5 pounds!

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