General chatter Because life isn't just about dieting. Play games, jokes, or share what's new in your life!

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-30-2011, 01:21 PM   #16  
Senior Member
 
popspry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 300

Height: 5'4''

Default

I think once every 3 days is pretty demanding, it makes me feel pressured just reading it. I'd try for say 1x/week - and see how things go from there. Introducing a baby into one's life can be very hard - including for one's sex life. Children change relationships. My question is - are you expecting him to initiate? Maybe he woulld feel less pressured if you didn't always put the ball in his court?

It seems like you had a child very early in your relationship - maybe you didn't have time to settle down into a more normal sex rate (what I mean is almost no one has sex as much as they did in the first months). I wouldn't expect pareents of a young child to be having sex as much as they did when it was just them.

Another thought: are you making time for him? Are you guys having time to romantically connect completely alone? I don't do well with pressure, and I like things to progress naturally, but you can help things along by setting up an environment that's conducive to intimacy.
popspry is offline  
Old 11-30-2011, 02:02 PM   #17  
Never surrender
 
dragonwoman64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,751

S/C/G: 251 current/237 minigoal/180

Height: 5' 9"

Default

the age difference may be playing a part. and I agree that there's a big pressure in being a dad that may damper things for him. he may have other stuff on his mind. maybe you could talk without bringing up sex, get a feel for where he's at. these things are negotiations for couples, you know? I think it must be rare for two people to always be in sync in regards to timing and frequency.
dragonwoman64 is offline  
Old 11-30-2011, 03:50 PM   #18  
Senior Member
 
Rainbowgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 417

Default

Do you try to make HIM feel sexy and wanted, and not just a means to fulfill YOUR needs? And do it in a way where he doesn't suspect or believe you're only doing it to get something out of it?

Have you tried weekly - or even biweekly date nights, without your child, where you can be adults and romantic?

Have you tried actually talking to him - asking him why he feels it's so much pressure? What would make the pressure ease?

Finally, have you tried couples therapy?
Rainbowgirl is offline  
Old 11-30-2011, 05:05 PM   #19  
Started IP 10/21/15
 
PreciousMissy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver
Posts: 1,472

S/C/G: 243/238.8/170

Height: 5'4"

Default

I think showing him some romance by planning a night out, with just the two of you, doing things that he likes but doesn't get to do that often would be nice. Men need to be romanced, too. But, you can not push, ask, or suggest sex at all! Just treat him special and let him relax. I know for me sex is 90% mental 10% physical. At the end of my marriage I was not interested in my ex at all, and it had nothing to do with his looks.
PreciousMissy is offline  
Old 11-30-2011, 05:24 PM   #20  
ddc
getting back to 140
 
ddc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,158

S/C/G: 155/154.2/140

Height: 5'7"

Default

I saw a sex therpaist on tv once say that some men get totally turned off from sex after seeing a baby come out of there. Or maybe he's afraid of another pregnancy at this point. Really, you need to talk to him and figure it out. Good luck
ddc is offline  
Old 11-30-2011, 10:40 PM   #21  
Senior Member
 
butterflymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 274

S/C/G: 249.2/on hold/166

Height: 5'5"

Default

After we had our DS our sex life totally died We have sex maybe twice a mon if we are lucky. One of the things that was affecting DH was he was afraid to get pregnant again and well guess what one of the 2 times we had sex in Sept I got pregnant! Yeah so now I am sure it is going to be extra difficult after this baby

Even now that I am pregnant and that fear is gone it still is non-existent but I don't feel that either of us shares more of the blame then the other. Life is tiring right now. However we need to talk! We are very loving to each other. Oh and we have been together for 15 years
butterflymama is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:04 PM   #22  
Porthardygurl
Thread Starter
 
Porthardygurl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Port Hardy BC
Posts: 1,936

S/C/G: 315/see ticker/180

Height: 6ft

Default

Hmmm..

Well in my personal opinion, i think his feelings of pressure is totally coming from himself.. The reason why i say that.. is because i dont even mention to him the idea of having sex.. I wait for him to come to me when he is ready for it..I used to try persuing him and he would turn me down and i would feel like something was wrong with me, so i got sick of trying and now i let him come to me when he wants it.

I think this "pressure" issue is in his head..because..after a few weeks of having nothing, i approach him and say "im not content with our sex life". I tell him how i feel about the lack of sex in our life. I explain to him that i am human and i have needs and if he expects me not to masturbate, then he needs to meet my needs himself. Just like him: he doesnt masturbate and no he doesnt watch or read porn and neither do i.. but we have an agreement that we will be there physically for the other. Contrary to what you might think.. this was my fiancee's decision and not mine. I would have been okay with masturbation if he couldnt meet my needs. But he isnt okay with it.

The most pressure i put on him is me saying "hey hun, we havent had sex in 2 weeks, i was kind of wondering when we could get back into it?" One time i said "hey, why dont we compromise and have it x number of times a week"

I thought by doing that..then he wouldnt feel like im asking him all the time..

If making your needs known is considered pressure or alerting your SO that you are unhappy in your sex life is wrong..then what are you supposed to do? just wait till things get bad enough, that you want to go out and cheat and find another man who will? or dump him because you are so unhappy or masturbate behind his back? Can you tell me any other way im supposed to fix it? cause... honestly..its gotten to the point a couple of times over the past 2.5 years where ive been so unhappy ive almost cheated or almost broken up with him..and i guess some people dont care if they dont get sex..but for me..it validates me as a women..and it makes me feel secure and loved and appreciated.. i am a physically affectionate person..its my primary language of love that i show and recieve...if im not recieving it..then im feeling pretty unhappy..im not suggesting we need to have sex every day..but more then once a week would be nice.
Porthardygurl is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:49 PM   #23  
Senior Member
 
kaplods's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,383

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

Default

In college, I took a human sexuality course, and while I don't remember the exact numbers, I distinctly remember the whole class being suprised that the "average" frequency of sex for young couples was so low, and that the average for older couples was surprisingly high. It meant that the cultural perception that young people are having sex all of the time, and older and even elderly couples never have sex - is completely hogwash. Our "perception" of normal and the reality are very different.

Once a week, or even twice a month is'nt by any means rare or unusual for couples of any age.

Of course, it doesn't matter whose sex drive is more "average," what matters is that your sex drives are incompatible. Unfortunately this is also not at all unusual. Couples in perfect sexual-sync, in which both partners are getting exactly the kind and amount of sex they want - are the minority, not the majority. In most cases, someone is always getting more or less than they would like. Even couples who do have similar desires, often aren't in sync at the same time - meaning they both want sex once a week, but one person wants it on Tuesday mornings, and the other wants it on Saturday evening.

Sex always seems naturally easy and perfect on tv and in books - it's not. Sexual and financial differences are both at the top of the list as reasons couple split up, and I think it's partially because we're taught that agreements in these areas are supposed to come easily and naturally (especially with sex).

Most couples are mismatched sexually to some degree, but there are healthy ways to communicate and compromise so that neither partner gets everything they want, but neither feels as if they're the one always making a "sacrifice."

Counseling is the best, and easiest way to learn the needed skills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Porthardygurl View Post
I know that this place isnt meant to be a therapy place but couples sex therapy doesnt exist in port hardy..

Actually yes it does, and I'd highly recommend it. In a quick search on google, I found eleven listings for couple's counseling in Port Hardy and found eleven listings with phone numbers just in the first source listed. And there could be even more, because some counselors who do not specialize in couple's counseling (and therefore would not be listed) would also have experience).
kaplods is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:50 PM   #24  
Senior Member
 
CanadianCutie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London, ON
Posts: 1,631

S/C/G: 354/342/250(for now)

Height: 5'3"

Default

Honestly, from this post, and your previous ones on this topic and others (recently and in the past), you seem to let every thing upset you. You said you've been dealing with this for the last 2 and a half years, it's not likely going to get better. The two of you have very different sex drives. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn't practical. Get into couples therapy, or reevaluate your relationship.

Last edited by CanadianCutie; 12-01-2011 at 03:50 PM.
CanadianCutie is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 04:22 PM   #25  
Senior Member
 
ade903's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 756

S/C/G: 186.6/181.8/150

Height: 5'9"

Default

Whoa, whoa, whoa...nobody has a right to tell you that you can't masturbate. Even with a happy, healthy sex life, I still enjoy a little time alone here and there. And okay, you made an agreement. But he's not holding up his end of it, so masturbate away!

Honestly, I'm in disagreement with most of the people that have responded. Yes, the sex side of a relationship comes and goes as the relationship progresses. But for me, sex is really important. REALLY important. It's just as important for my sexual needs to be met as it is for my emotional needs. If I'm with someone that is unwilling to meet my needs, they've at least got to show that they are trying. And you can bet that if they are unwilling to even try, I'd leave them. I hope things get better. But don't let anyone make you feel like your need for sex is wrong.

Honestly, I'd probably start masturbating without hiding it. And if he said something about it, I'd say "I'm human. I have needs. You made it clear that you aren't interested in helping me meet my needs. So I'll take care of myself." Perhaps that'll get him going.
ade903 is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 04:23 PM   #26  
Senior Member
 
djs06's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,383

S/C/G: 274/?/175

Height: 5'8

Default

For what it's worth, I don't think it sounds like you're pressuring him. Couples have differing sex drives more often than not-but I think you (in this case, he) needs to be willing to admit that him not meeting your needs can (and should) result in you meeting your own. The "rules" you have set for not being able to 'take care of business' yourself aren't really fair in this scenario. At the very least, he should be willing to agree to not acknowledge it- but he shouldn't FORBID it. He should care that you're not getting your needs met, regardless of what the circumstances are.

I wanted to add my two cents because it seems that some reactions are coming down on you pretty hard. Sex lives slow down but when gets to the point it sounds like you're in (and thats different for everyone), I can understand how you'd be frustrated.

Also, I don't know that you need to find a sex therapist, per se. Maybe you need to find a garden variety couple's counselor who can help you with this, because it can be an underlying issue in the relationship.

Last edited by djs06; 12-01-2011 at 04:25 PM.
djs06 is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 04:26 PM   #27  
Senior Member
 
ade903's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 756

S/C/G: 186.6/181.8/150

Height: 5'9"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by djs06 View Post
Also, I don't know that you need to find a sex therapist, per se. Maybe you need to find a garden variety couple's counselor who can help you with this, because it can be an underlying issue in the relationship.
I agree with this.
ade903 is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 04:42 PM   #28  
Senior Member
 
sacha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,640

S/C/G: 163/128/125

Height: 5'5

Default

Porthardgurl, please take this for what it's worth, in all your threads I notice a common theme: you seem to be a very difficult person to please and perhaps this has turned him away. Sorry, just my observation. I don't know you so I could be completely wrong, but I have yet to read a thread for you where somebody in your life has actually met your expectations.
sacha is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 04:55 PM   #29  
Senior Member
 
4myloves's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 2,748

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sacha View Post
Porthardgurl, please take this for what it's worth, in all your threads I notice a common theme: you seem to be a very difficult person to please and perhaps this has turned him away. Sorry, just my observation. I don't know you so I could be completely wrong, but I have yet to read a thread for you where somebody in your life has actually met your expectations.
I don't think that response is quite fair in this situation. She has numerous posts on 3FC, only two of which are "difficult." She's started two threads asking for help within the last week or so, which tells me she's reaching a point of frustration in her life and really does need our advice (which I don't feel obliged to give at this point, because of all the other great posters who have replied).

I don't mean to sound harsh toward you, but you're right, you don't know her, and this is typically a place where people come to vent/rant. Of course, on the flip side, in your defense, when one vents and/or rants, he or she must be able to accept the constructive (or not ) criticism with the affectionate (or not )advice.
4myloves is offline  
Old 12-01-2011, 05:15 PM   #30  
Senior Member
 
sacha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,640

S/C/G: 163/128/125

Height: 5'5

Default

^I can recall a fair bit more than just the two threads here. But anyone can feel free to ignore me
sacha is offline  
Closed Thread


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:20 PM.


We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.