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my husband cheated on me

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Old 10-15-2011, 07:20 PM   #1
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Default my husband cheated on me

So this is probably going to be very long. I am completely a mess right now and just needed someone outside of the situation to give me their input and maybe they have been through this too.

I have alot of trust issues with my husband. he has lied to me in the past over several things, he was smoking forever kept it from me & then lied that he had quit when I found out. There has been a ton of times where he told me he stopped talking to his ex only to find out that they had still been talking.

Tonight I was playing sims social on facebook and am on a quest that only has a few days left and needed stuff asap so I got on my husband's computer to just get on facebook really quick and send me the stuff. Well while on there I notice he has a message from his ex. I didn't read it then. I wasn't even really looking it was at the top so I just moused over and it popped up.

Well this began to eat away at me. And I got on his computer & checked his email. He usually always logs off but this time he didn't. I read through his emails- which I KNOW was wrong. But having found what I did I kindof feel justified in it I guess. Because without doing so I would have never known.

I found emails from 3 different women.

One his ex girlfriend. Talking about meeting each other and directions to her place. She lives 45 mins away. Talking about how they are soul mates and every email is ending in i love and miss you. How her heart always belongs to him, etc... How her fiance and her broke up over an email that he read that she sent to my husband.... etc... I read some to my sister and she feels that they sound like he was trying to decide if he wanted to be with her or me. and that he did have feelings for her. But the last email/message was from 2009. and then I found nothing else. So she says that means he chose me. But she still sent him many replies on facebook since then asking him why he isn't responding, she misses him, whats up, but I see no messages from him to her on facebook back since then.

We also play an online game called worldofwarcraft. The other emails are from 2 women from the game. Talking about how much they love him and love talking to him. And sending naked pictures and talking about how she loves falling asleep hearing his voice and talking "flirty & dirty" with him.

That is from TWO different women. I am so embarrassed. These women I knew and talked to and counted as friends. They knew he was married and atleast one of them is married because an email talks about her husband. One even mentions me talking to her about something personal so that means I must counted her as a friend. I have no idea who their characters are in the game though as all I have is their emails. But one signed off with a name that I know someone in game with that name and she is married to a friend of ours in game.

The last of those emails was from 2007-2008


IDK though even though all of them came from 2007-2009 maybe he started deleting them after that? I have no clue or way to know. We have been together 11 years and married since 2006....

Even if everything was just online that still counts as cheating to me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so stupid and so embarrassed. How can you ever trust someone ever again after something like this? And idk why but all that is eating away at me right now is that he lied. I asked him many times please never cheat on me and asked him straight to his face if he ever has and to do this? I just don't understand why.
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:34 PM   #2
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Nothing hurts more than to be betrayed by someone you love and trust. I would consider this cheating even if it is only limited to email. He has no right to accept such emails from another woman.Whether he answered them or not is beside the point. He evidently did nothing to stop these emails from coming. If he had told her or both of them, he is not interested, do not email me again. If they had been discouged by him they would not have continued. Have you confronted him with this to see if there could possibly be an acceptable answer to this ?
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:44 PM   #3
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If it's nothing more than emails and facebook then he is/was emotionally cheating and that is a form of cheating. I'm not sure what to tell you as I have never been in this situation. My sister, however, was in a similar situation. She found out that her husband has been deleting his sent folder. I'm not saying your husband is doing the same but it's a possibility.
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Old 10-15-2011, 08:31 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bargoo View Post
Have you confronted him with this to see if there could possibly be an acceptable answer to this ?
I haven't confronted him yet. He is at work still. Closing so he won't be home until 11pm or so. Still a few hours left till then.

I keep trying to think of what to say to him but I don't know yet.


Quote:
If it's nothing more than emails and facebook then he is/was emotionally cheating and that is a form of cheating. I'm not sure what to tell you as I have never been in this situation. My sister, however, was in a similar situation. She found out that her husband has been deleting his sent folder. I'm not saying your husband is doing the same but it's a possibility.
Yes he uses hotmail which I am not too familiar with but it seems like he has it set up to auto delete his sent folder and trash so nothing is there.

But there are a few emails which they quoted his reply to them- where he tells them he loves them.

I did see the facebook messages to his ex which go back and forth between them and she even linked a whole convo they had on aim.

I just feel so hurt. It doesn't even feel real like this couldn't possibly happen to me. I'll pinch myself and wake up and it was all just a nightmare.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:02 PM   #5
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I'm sorry that this has happened to you. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. I don't care if they are the worst person in the whole world. No one deserves to be disrespected and hurt by the person they care about most. You deserve nothing but respect from him.

First, when he comes home I would ask him about it. Not accuse him. There is a difference. Life isn't always easy and we sometimes have to pick our own battles. Some battles are meant to be left un-fought. In your situation this is a battle that needs to be addressed. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Give him a chance to explain. If you feel that his answers or response is not good enough or legit then I would take a break from him for some time. That's just my opinion.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:21 PM   #6
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I just registered on the site and this is one of the first threads I came across. First... I am so sorry for your pain. I just wanted to give you some hope. I have been in the situation you are in. My husband and I went through a rough time several years ago with him "flirting" online in a similar way. But you know what... while I did feel he was "cheating" on me... we did work through it and we are happier than ever. I liked the advice already given - don't accuse. You definitely should confront and ask him about it and let him know how hurt you are. Tell him how you came about the information honestly and innocently. Give him a chance to explain... Then you can decide where to go from there. It doesn't have to mean that you can never trust him again. I've been there. It hurts like CRAZY and you do absolutely feel like you can never trust again... but there is some hope if you truly want to work through it and you CAN trust again - if he truly wants to make that effort along with you. Sorry for all that you are going through right now and I hope the very best for you.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:29 PM   #7
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I highly recommend marriage counseling. Good luck and sorry he was being such a jerk.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:36 PM   #8
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Print this thread.

Hand it to him. Apologize for going on his Facebook and reading his email. That bit was not right.

But since you cannot "unknow" what you found... you want to discuss. Not this second, since he's just home at 11 PM from work and probably needs sleep.

But at least set a date to talk about it when you are both rested, prepared, and have cleared time and space to discuss.

Then go from there -- if you need counseling, or what. One thing at a time.



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Old 10-15-2011, 09:40 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryler832 View Post
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. I don't care if they are the worst person in the whole world. No one deserves to be disrespected and hurt by the person they care about most. You deserve nothing but respect from him.

First, when he comes home I would ask him about it. Not accuse him. There is a difference. Life isn't always easy and we sometimes have to pick our own battles. Some battles are meant to be left un-fought. In your situation this is a battle that needs to be addressed. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Give him a chance to explain. If you feel that his answers or response is not good enough or legit then I would take a break from him for some time. That's just my opinion.
I think this is really good advice. You definitely do have to put it on the table though, as Ryler said, unaccusingly. Even though, we kinda know what it is. :/
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:48 PM   #10
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I went through this recently. I actually went through it when we first got married, then it completely stopped. Then there was an incident recently.

My husband used to talk to some girl he met on WOW. I hate it when he plays because it is just so time consuming and it seems like some girls in the game just play for the alterior motive of meeting men, and they don't care if they're married. This woman in particular lived far away so I didn't feel the need to confront him for a long time. She was sending him pictures, they were playing WOW together, texting, and even talking on the phone. Eventually it died off without me ever dealing with it.

Recently he received some pictures and had a very intimate conversation with a woman. We know each other's passwords for everything, not for snooping but just for convenience because we have bills and accounts and some are in his name and some are in mine, so I don't know why he didn't think to cover his tracks. I got on his email to check a payment confirmation and baammm... I instantly get an IM from this girl. That easy he was caught... didn't even have to snoop. I started looking through his stuff after the IM and I discovered some conversations and she had even sent him some naked pictures.

Though my husband has never physically cheated on me, when he came home that day I told him it was over. I had expressed to him in the past that I considered this kind of stuff as cheating, even though nothing physical was involved. He admitted he was wrong and he cried and cried and begged for me to take him back. Eventually I did, and I haven't had a problem since.

He explained to me that he would never actually cheat on me. That sometimes he kind of missed flirting and talking to other women, and that he missed having something different sometimes. I appreciated the honesty but I was still hurt. He told me he didn't realize how much it hurt me and that he would never do it again. He said he loved me too much and that having these conversations really wasn't that important to him, he just hadn't though of it as a big deal until I expressed to him how painful it was for me. I snoop every once in a while. I must say that I do trust him, but there is a little part of me that really really really just does not want to be taken for a fool so every few months I'll randomly check everything in his email and go through the phone record just in case.

Maybe you need to confront your husband and tell him how much it hurts you when he talks to other women even if he is not actually meeting up with them. If this is a boundary you don't want him crossing than you need to set it first. Some people have different thoughts on what is right and wrong in a relationship, some people (mostly men) truly believe that if they did not physically touch someone else that they aren't doing anything wrong.

My heart goes out to you. I know how my whole body would shake the times I found these kinds of things, I felt like I was turned inside out. I hope you figure everything out and things work out for the best. For me, it wasn't worth ending my relationship, but if I ever found something again I would definitely leave him. I believe in second chances, but this isn't baseball, you don't get three strikes.
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:05 PM   #11
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I would print out all relevant emails. Keep a set hidden and keep a set to confront him with. He'll probably delete the emails as soon as you confront him so at least you'll have the hard evidence.

I'd wait until tomorrow to confront him. Give yourself some time to calm down. You have every right to be angry and upset but it would be best to sleep on it before you do anything (IMO).

Maybe get a notebook and really outline your thoughts on the issues and what you want to say to him.

IMO the cigarette thing isn't that serious. Alot of people lie about smoking. It's not even in the same category as the email stuff.

I'm just wondering why he is saving emails that are years old? That doesn't even make sense.

Do you feel like he wanted to get caught? usually guys with these types of emails max secure their accounts.

I think the disrespect of saying these things to women you know is the worst part of the whole thing. IMO thats way worse than having an internet fling with some woman in Texas he'll never meet. He openly disrespected you to IRL people. Good Luck and Hugs. I'm really sorry that you are going though this.
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:20 PM   #12
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Oh yeah, like Scarlett said, definitely make copies/or forward copies of these e-mail to your account. (& make sure they are in a secure place). You want rock solid proof when you finally take this SOB to the cleaners...
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Old 10-15-2011, 11:24 PM   #13
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Everyone else has covered what I would say. So sorry you have to deal with this.
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Old 10-15-2011, 11:52 PM   #14
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I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. But, I might be alone to say that as long as it is isolated to email/FB/texts then it isn't cheating. It def is inappropriate and hurtful. I agree with that. I've been on the other side of that. I would never cheat, but when you are going through a rough time, sometimes it's nice to feel attractive and wanted. It feeds the ego and honestly, you appreciate what you have at home more.

Good luck. You have some tough choices and confrontations ahead of you. Know that your 3FC's are here for you.
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Old 10-16-2011, 10:04 AM   #15
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Quote:
the cigarette thing isn't that serious. Alot of people lie about smoking. It's not even in the same category as the email stuff
I disagree with this, IMPO if he'll lie about that, he'll lie about anything else.

I'd confront him about what you found & make no apologies for how you found it. Take note as to his "self-defense". Is he angry & finger-pointing? Is he remorseful and willing to talk things thru? Is he nonchalant, doesn't seem to care? His reaction to your evidence will tell you a lot; what he says AND how he says it. Pay attention to his body language as well.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I wish you peace of mind, and I hope you get the answers you're seeking.
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