Thank you all so much. It is really nice to be able to talk to others and see things from a wider perspective. I love my family to pieces but they kindof got my back no matter what.
I feel so different today it is weird. Like I am all sad out that I can't be sad anymore. I just feel kindof empty. Like a huge gaping hole is in me and I can't be filled. I even hit my mini goal of losing 20lbs total this morning and I can't find how to be excited or happy about it which sucks. I wrote in my blog about it all if anyone wants to read more about it all but I wanted to comment some on stuff people said, please excuse me that I am not quoting. I don't think my mind is focused enough to be quite so organized.
I do think it is cheating. I think saying I love you beyond a friendly way is cheating. Being alittle bit flirty can just happen sometimes but there is a difference between being alittle silly flirty and being intimate with someone physical or emotional. And being dirty with someone even with words is cheating. I do feel he cheated on me. He broke promises, he broke our marriage vows. He broke my heart. Plus in the letters to his ex he spoke about leaving me for her and couldn't decide who he wanted to be with.
I think it feels worse that he said he loved them. I mean what does that word mean if you just toss it around? It feels like everytime he ever said it to me it meant nothing. or atleast not the same as it meant to me.
The same issue with the smoking. Idk I may be naive but lying to me is such a horrible thing. I am supposed to be your partner in life how could you keep anything from me? And to straight out lie about it is just horrible. We should be able to trust each other with everything and if you lie about one thing what is to stop you from lying about anything else? And then what is the point at all? Which i found out last night he is still smoking too.
I did make copies of the emails and sent them to myself.
I did confront him last night. I stayed up super late he ended up not getting home until after 12:30. I was pretty calm though by then. I had wrote down some things I wanted to say & I just told him we needed to talk and that I didn't want to fight I just wanted to talk and I had questions and I wanted him to be honest. I didn't yell but I cried more then ever. I then told him how I found out.
He admitted it. Not that he could really deny it since I had the proof. He said that nothing physical ever happened, but that he did meet with his ex. But how can I believe him? He says why would he lie about that when he is admitting to everything else. But he is a liar for one, and I have proof for everything else I have no proof of physical sex. And even though it is all cheating physical sex is probably alot worse- so plenty of reason to lie.
I asked why. And he said it was when things were rough in our relationship, we were fighting all the time and he needed someone and to feel loved. It felt like he was accusing me and blaming me for it. I asked how/why it ended. He told me that the stuff online he ended when things got better between us. I asked why he didn't choose his ex and he said he realized things had always been bad between them and why and that he could never be with her- but that has nothing to do with me. So honestly i felt like he didn't so much as choose me over her but just didn't choose her.
he admits he was wrong and sorry and says it will never happen again. But I can't help but wonder.
I also realized that when it happened was during a really bad time for me. I was very depressed. if you don't know I have a panic disorder and things can be very rough for me sometimes. I understand I am not always easy but that doesn't excuse him to do that to me. he should have came to me, tried to work out our relationship or left me. Not gone behind my back.
But when everything stopped was right around the time that I got sick and discovered I had diabetes and was put on prozac and started taking amazing care of myself and ofcourse then feeling happier and better. It wasn't our relationship that got better- all of the same issues are still there. I just got better. So idk how that makes me feel.
idk what to do at all. I am a complete mess of confusion. My sister says I can go stay with them but they r in texas and I am in NY and it would cost a fortune to get there. I would have to leave my stuff, my life, my cats & birds that I desperately love. But i also don't want to just stay because I don't want my life disrupted.
I do love him. But I also feel like so stupid. I always judged others, like how stupid could that girl be for staying with a cheater. he will just do it again and she could do better. Now I am going to be that stupid girl? it is so embarrassing.
I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I already had major trust issues. My bio father was a horrible person who cheated on my mom a ton & cheated on my first step mom & just got arrested as a pedophile on my birthday this year and sent to prison. My step father was a secret drug addict who cheated on my mom and then left her for his ex. I just wanna think god all men are scum who can;t be trusted- which I know logically isn't true. But I thought my husband was different and then he did this.
He seemed sorry and that he knows he was stupid for doing it and wrong. But at the same time alot of what he said made it seem like he felt like it was partly my fault. That hurts alot. Because i feel like we all have our own choices to make and i fully admit my wrongdoings to make the relationship have its rough moments but it was still completely on him to make the choice to cheat or not. Not me. No matter what I ever did it never gave him the ok to do that to me.
I don't have any clue what I am going to do or even where to start. I don't know how I can ever even begin to trust him again. I don't know how to not have this in the back of my mind everytime we fight and throw it in his face. Which would not be fair. It is like how do you move on from this or should I? maybe I should leave? I just don't know.
Right now I am trying to focus on not letting it ruin my entire focus and health. I didn't eat well yesterday or today and I didn't go for my walk today either. I pretty much wanna stay in bed and cry and eat a whole chocolate cake or something which I KNOW would not make me feel better but probably make me feel alot worse. But it is hard enough to stay on track when your world isn't falling apart.
Thanks again everyone