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Old 10-16-2011, 09:23 AM   #16  
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Originally Posted by sheramama View Post
I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. But, I might be alone to say that as long as it is isolated to email/FB/texts then it isn't cheating. It def is inappropriate and hurtful. I agree with that. I've been on the other side of that. I would never cheat, but when you are going through a rough time, sometimes it's nice to feel attractive and wanted. It feeds the ego and honestly, you appreciate what you have at home more.

Good luck. You have some tough choices and confrontations ahead of you. Know that your 3FC's are here for you.

If you're going out of your relationship for something you should be getting in your relationship, it's cheating. I'm sorry if your boyfriend doesn't make you feel pretty or you think you're not getting enough attention at home, address that AT HOME. Unless you and your partner have an understanding that texts/facebook/chat aren't cheating, it's cheating. You will not solve the "rough time" in your marriage by looking outside of it.

OP, I hope you discussed this with your partner and both of you are in a better place in your relationship today. Couple and individual counseling couldn't hurt. It seems like both of you are getting your social and emotional needs met online a lot and that seems like a danger to your relationship. Maybe you could put that energy into your marriage? It is so easy to present yourself as the victim or as someone misunderstood by your spouse, it's easy to represent yourself as the person you wish you were and the good guy - and it's so easy for the person on the other end to tell you whatever you want to hear. Maybe this isn't a good social outlet for you guys.
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Old 10-16-2011, 10:08 AM   #17  
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar, and it really hurts. Just be up front about how it affects you, try not to be accusatory (though it may be hard), and just try not to hold a grudge when this has been worked through (something I did).
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Old 10-16-2011, 10:47 AM   #18  
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[QUOTE=98DaysOfSummer;4072713]If you're going out of your relationship for something you should be getting in your relationship, it's cheating. I'm sorry if your boyfriend doesn't make you feel pretty or you think you're not getting enough attention at home, address that AT HOME. Unless you and your partner have an understanding that texts/facebook/chat aren't cheating, it's cheating. You will not solve the "rough time" in your marriage by looking outside of it. QUOTE]

Actually, as long as it's flirting and not a whole-let's go meet up-it's natural. People have done it since the dawn of time. Technology just gave it another oulet. It has nothing to do with "feeling pretty". It is where you take it and to what level that matters.

I hope you talked to him. See what he says.
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Old 10-16-2011, 02:30 PM   #19  
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Originally Posted by sheramama View Post
I'm sorry you have to go through this, hon. But, I might be alone to say that as long as it is isolated to email/FB/texts then it isn't cheating. It def is inappropriate and hurtful. I agree with that. I've been on the other side of that. I would never cheat, but when you are going through a rough time, sometimes it's nice to feel attractive and wanted. It feeds the ego and honestly, you appreciate what you have at home more.

Good luck. You have some tough choices and confrontations ahead of you. Know that your 3FC's are here for you.
How in the H&LL does sending and receiving romantic and sexually explicit e-mail make you appreciate what you have at home more? What planet are you from? Even though you admit to doing the same sort of thing to your SO, It's wrong and it's cheating, no matter what side you are on. Sugar coating it doesn't make it okay, and it doesn't help your relationship.

Quote:
Actually, as long as it's flirting and not a whole-let's go meet up-it's natural. People have done it since the dawn of time. Technology just gave it another oulet. It has nothing to do with "feeling pretty". It is where you take it and to what level that matters.

I hope you talked to him. See what he says.
Oh brother, people have been sacrificing babies and killing each other since the dawn of time too, but it STILL isn't okay even if they use guns now instead of guillotines.

Oh and first you say it's about feeling attractive and then you say it isn't. Give me a break, which is it?

Last edited by Lori Bell; 10-16-2011 at 02:44 PM.
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:33 PM   #20  
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Thank you all so much. It is really nice to be able to talk to others and see things from a wider perspective. I love my family to pieces but they kindof got my back no matter what.

I feel so different today it is weird. Like I am all sad out that I can't be sad anymore. I just feel kindof empty. Like a huge gaping hole is in me and I can't be filled. I even hit my mini goal of losing 20lbs total this morning and I can't find how to be excited or happy about it which sucks. I wrote in my blog about it all if anyone wants to read more about it all but I wanted to comment some on stuff people said, please excuse me that I am not quoting. I don't think my mind is focused enough to be quite so organized.


I do think it is cheating. I think saying I love you beyond a friendly way is cheating. Being alittle bit flirty can just happen sometimes but there is a difference between being alittle silly flirty and being intimate with someone physical or emotional. And being dirty with someone even with words is cheating. I do feel he cheated on me. He broke promises, he broke our marriage vows. He broke my heart. Plus in the letters to his ex he spoke about leaving me for her and couldn't decide who he wanted to be with.

I think it feels worse that he said he loved them. I mean what does that word mean if you just toss it around? It feels like everytime he ever said it to me it meant nothing. or atleast not the same as it meant to me.

The same issue with the smoking. Idk I may be naive but lying to me is such a horrible thing. I am supposed to be your partner in life how could you keep anything from me? And to straight out lie about it is just horrible. We should be able to trust each other with everything and if you lie about one thing what is to stop you from lying about anything else? And then what is the point at all? Which i found out last night he is still smoking too.

I did make copies of the emails and sent them to myself.

I did confront him last night. I stayed up super late he ended up not getting home until after 12:30. I was pretty calm though by then. I had wrote down some things I wanted to say & I just told him we needed to talk and that I didn't want to fight I just wanted to talk and I had questions and I wanted him to be honest. I didn't yell but I cried more then ever. I then told him how I found out.

He admitted it. Not that he could really deny it since I had the proof. He said that nothing physical ever happened, but that he did meet with his ex. But how can I believe him? He says why would he lie about that when he is admitting to everything else. But he is a liar for one, and I have proof for everything else I have no proof of physical sex. And even though it is all cheating physical sex is probably alot worse- so plenty of reason to lie.

I asked why. And he said it was when things were rough in our relationship, we were fighting all the time and he needed someone and to feel loved. It felt like he was accusing me and blaming me for it. I asked how/why it ended. He told me that the stuff online he ended when things got better between us. I asked why he didn't choose his ex and he said he realized things had always been bad between them and why and that he could never be with her- but that has nothing to do with me. So honestly i felt like he didn't so much as choose me over her but just didn't choose her.

he admits he was wrong and sorry and says it will never happen again. But I can't help but wonder.

I also realized that when it happened was during a really bad time for me. I was very depressed. if you don't know I have a panic disorder and things can be very rough for me sometimes. I understand I am not always easy but that doesn't excuse him to do that to me. he should have came to me, tried to work out our relationship or left me. Not gone behind my back.

But when everything stopped was right around the time that I got sick and discovered I had diabetes and was put on prozac and started taking amazing care of myself and ofcourse then feeling happier and better. It wasn't our relationship that got better- all of the same issues are still there. I just got better. So idk how that makes me feel.

idk what to do at all. I am a complete mess of confusion. My sister says I can go stay with them but they r in texas and I am in NY and it would cost a fortune to get there. I would have to leave my stuff, my life, my cats & birds that I desperately love. But i also don't want to just stay because I don't want my life disrupted.

I do love him. But I also feel like so stupid. I always judged others, like how stupid could that girl be for staying with a cheater. he will just do it again and she could do better. Now I am going to be that stupid girl? it is so embarrassing.

I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I already had major trust issues. My bio father was a horrible person who cheated on my mom a ton & cheated on my first step mom & just got arrested as a pedophile on my birthday this year and sent to prison. My step father was a secret drug addict who cheated on my mom and then left her for his ex. I just wanna think god all men are scum who can;t be trusted- which I know logically isn't true. But I thought my husband was different and then he did this.

He seemed sorry and that he knows he was stupid for doing it and wrong. But at the same time alot of what he said made it seem like he felt like it was partly my fault. That hurts alot. Because i feel like we all have our own choices to make and i fully admit my wrongdoings to make the relationship have its rough moments but it was still completely on him to make the choice to cheat or not. Not me. No matter what I ever did it never gave him the ok to do that to me.


I don't have any clue what I am going to do or even where to start. I don't know how I can ever even begin to trust him again. I don't know how to not have this in the back of my mind everytime we fight and throw it in his face. Which would not be fair. It is like how do you move on from this or should I? maybe I should leave? I just don't know.

Right now I am trying to focus on not letting it ruin my entire focus and health. I didn't eat well yesterday or today and I didn't go for my walk today either. I pretty much wanna stay in bed and cry and eat a whole chocolate cake or something which I KNOW would not make me feel better but probably make me feel alot worse. But it is hard enough to stay on track when your world isn't falling apart.

Thanks again everyone
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Old 10-16-2011, 04:27 PM   #21  
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my heart really and truly goes out to you. Lean on your family and friends, trust in yourself to make the right decisions. It's not your fault and you didn't deserve it. Take care of yourself, please, don't mistreat yourself or beat yourself up. Grieve over this, but don't use it as a stick, as easy as it can be to do that.

sorry, I can't help myself to add what a schmuck

Last edited by dragonwoman64; 10-16-2011 at 04:37 PM.
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Old 10-16-2011, 05:00 PM   #22  
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What about going out to Texas just to visit for a bit? Maybe getting away will help you sort your mind out. Being around him is automatically going to make you feel a certain way, it sounds to me like you need a little break. There are plenty of decent ways to get down to TX relatively cheaply, you could name-your-own-price for a quick flight down, or maybe hop a train or bus... If it were me, I think I'd need some time on my own to really think about what I wanted to do. If you decide to go back to him, or leave him, that's all your choice and nobody can make it for you, you have to do what you think you need to do. But maybe a little bit of time to yourself might be a nice way to re-charge your batteries.
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Old 10-16-2011, 11:09 PM   #23  
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Dump him!
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:17 AM   #24  
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Why should you leave? Kick him out! Its your place and he's the one who strayed, so hand him his walking papers.

The issue here is that while you were sick, instead of being concerned for you, he was being selfish and finding attention somewhere else. What's gonna happen if you get sick again? Is he going to stray again? I couldn't live with the idea that when things "get rough" he might stray again. And blaming his actions on you is uncool.

I am sorry you have to deal with this crap. Your the one who has to decide if you stay with him or kick him out.
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Old 10-17-2011, 11:59 AM   #25  
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Frankly, I would be devastated if my husband said "I love you" to any other woman besides me, especially in a flirty, sexually charged conversation. That is something that is reserved for spouses, family and extremely close non-romantic friends.

Nothing physical has to happen for it to be considered cheating IMO. The fact is his mind and heart was focused on another person outside of the relationship, especially during a time when you were struggling. And I agree with the previous poster who commented about it sounding like an excuse. If you stay have have children, odds are you won't have sex for a few weeks or even months afterward giving birth. Is he going to run out for attention and sex from other women? On the topic of children, sorry, but sex is usually less frequent once they're in the picture; husbands and wives get less affection than they did before, especially in the infant years. Is this, again, a situation that he will decide is enough reason for him to look towards other women?

My other concern is I don't think he's remorseful. First off, he didn't really communicate anything to you (to our knowledge) prior to being confronted and second, he's kept emails from 2007?? He hasn't deleted or tried to hide them. Instead, they're easy to find and access as often as he desires. They probably give him some sort of pleasure and thrill even after all this time.

I have little patience for cheaters and my husband knows it. Though his ex wife cheated on him so he already know how much it hurts. Some people can get past these things, I know I cannot. If it were me, especially without kids in the relationship, I would be gone by whatever means possible. You may or may not choose the same but you need to be very realistic about the possibility of him cheating again. It takes someone very special to do it in the first place with so much forethought then to keep it hidden without being consumed with guilt for years.

I really do hope everything works out best for you and that you continue to make sure your well being is put first.

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Old 10-17-2011, 12:50 PM   #26  
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My ex husband was a cheater. I have a folder full of printed flirty conversations between him and other women. I decided to just keep them, take our child, and leave.
I served him papers within one week of leaving and I've never been happier.
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Old 10-17-2011, 01:05 PM   #27  
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You should be able to confront him, nicely and calmly so no fights break out. If you still want to be with this man that you have dedicated your life to for 6 years then ask that he please lose contact with all women, if he is unwilling then his love as dwindled and he doesn't deserve you. We all have just 1 life to be happy, make it count.
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Old 10-17-2011, 01:56 PM   #28  
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Relationships are complicated. It makes some decisions that seem like they should be easy... well... not so easy. Marriage tangles two people together. Your life and stuff and things are all intertwined with his. That makes these decisions even more complicated.

Do you have a counselor that you can speak to about these things?

After your discussion with your husband, it's clear that IF you choose to continue a relationship with him that couples counseling might help you both. You might want to start there just to get the ball rolling... even if it turns out that you recognize that you don't want to stay with him.

And if he won't go. Then go by yourself. (...and if he won't go, then it might be a clearer sign of other things.)

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now.
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Old 10-20-2011, 12:33 PM   #29  
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Thank you everyone

I am still a complete mess. I just can't function it seems. My eating has gone to ****. I binged big time and blew off my walks 2 days in a row & then today I did go for a walk but had to cut it short from stomach issues- probably caused by the binge and/or stress.

Right now he is out of town. He went on a trip with his two brothers to vegas & to blizzcon ( a gaming convention in california). It had been planned forever. Kindof feels like bad timing but also it is kindof nice to be here alone and just be able to think. He is gone for a week so won't be back until wed the 26th.

Right now I am being absolutely childish and not answering his texts. Let him think I jumped off a cliff or moved out on him like I told him I was thinking about. It isn't very mature or nice but he is off having fun while I am sitting home an emotional wreck so I don't care.

I think he still lied to me about more stuff. Things I pieced together. I also just don't know if I can believe anything he says now. I don't think I can ever trust him again.

I still have no clue what to do. But I am going to see a therapist. I have to wait until he gets back because he still needs to update our insurance. He hasn't since we moved and they won't let me do it he has to since it is through his job bleh.

Maybe after that we will do couples idk. He said he would.

Any advice on finding a therapist would be great. Never had to before and it kindof makes me nervous lol
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Old 10-20-2011, 01:19 PM   #30  
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I'm glad you have time to think and be alone to work through this troubling time but I must admit my first reaction was "He left for vacation? To Blizzcon?? To VEGAS?!?"

I know it's been planned for a while but of the men I know, I don't think they'd leave with their marriage on such shakey ground. Did you really push him to still go or was he sprinting out the door? I don't think you're chilish for not answering either. I wouldn't respond if my husband, whose infidelity had just been uncovered, went to Vegas. If it was so important I had to answer and he wanted to talk that bad he shoulda stayed home! (That would be my heartbroken, foot down response if I were in your shoes. )

I don't think you have to make a decision what to do now. If you feel like things can be salvaged with a lot of time, help and healing, it's worth going to see a therapist. You can stay and give it another go but with your eyes a little more open to what he may or may not be capable of again in the future. If you think losing a little time and a repeat heartache if he cheats again versus throwing in the towel now is worth it then give it a chance.

Hopefully you can come to terms with whatever decision you make. Remember, his cheating is his fault, not yours. Despite whatever issues and problems there are with individuals and a marriage, it just doesn't make it justified to hurt those you're suppose to love and be committed to.
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