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Am I Being Ridiculous?

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Old 10-11-2011, 07:23 PM   #1
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Default Am I Being Ridiculous?

So, here is some drama (perhaps petty drama, but most relationship day-to-day stuff is...) and I am genuinely asking if I am being crazy, irrational, or whatever because sometimes, I'm just not sure...

Here is the deal: I have been in a relationship for several years and we live together. He has been unemployed for several years and I am the breadwinner, which definitely adds stress to things. It also means he is at home while I work *all the time*.

I went out and bought groceries, including a whole bunch of Naked juices to use as meal replacements. (Of note, they are expensive!) I bought them friday evening, then I have been working 13hr over nightshifts since then. Now today is tuesday. Its my first day off, I go into the fridge and all but 2 of them are gone.

I notice he grabs one of the two remaining and goes to drink it with his dinner.

I said "Hey, could you save me some of those? I bought them because I wanted to have some and they are almost all gone now! Besides, there is a bunch of calories in them, I got them as meal replacements. If you want just regular drinking-as-a-drink juice, we can pick up a gallon of apple juice or something."

His response was that if I wanted to drink them, I should have. I explained that I've only had them there a few days, I buy our groceries for two weeks at a time and I don't feel that I should have to eat/drink everything that I will want in the first few days or else it will all be eaten. I said its fine if you drink some, but I think it is common courtesy to not eat/drink ALL of something - if I bought a case of soda, don't drink ALL the cans, if I buy a loaf of bread, don't eat the whole loaf - save me some, because if I bought it - it's because I want to eat some of it and I shouldn't have to eat it all immediately.

Because of this, he said I was being an a**hole for complaining about juice, that its "just FFIINNNEE, he won't have ANY juice EVER AGAIN" and that if I want to eat the groceries that I buy, and he eats all of it, that I should just go buy more and if I don't eat it quickly, he will eat it.

I'm so frustrated by this! I don't want to have to write my name on food in my own house, I want to buy things and actually be able to have them myself!!!! I want some common ideas of "hey, she bought this, she probably will want some, i'm not going to eat everything!" --- This is *exactly* why I don't buy lean cuisines or fiber one bars for work anymore because they are all eaten before I have a chance to eat them myself, because I go to work and he is at home all the time, slowly munching his way through the contents of the house! I may buy a box of granola bars, eat one of them, and in 2 days, the whole box is gone!

GGGAAHHHHH. I spend hundreds of dollars every two weeks to keep food in the house as is, I don't want to have to keep going back to buy more just because he has a personal policy of "eat it now, or not at all!"

But because I'm asking him to be more considerate, I'm an "a**hole" who is being "petty and ridiculous" and should just "go buy more." He says that I shouldn't complain about anything and by caring about things like this, I make him feel as if everything he does is wrong and he shouldn't have to think twice about how much of whatever he eats in the house... I said his mentality of "I won't ever have juice every again, its FIINNEE" is just playing a martyr role when all I'm saying is, be considerate and don't eat all of something in the house - especially expensive stuff that he knows I really like and bought for myself. Its especially frustrating to me because I really don't like being the only one employed, I really hate being the only one who buys anything, pays all the bills, pays for all the dates and it comes on twice as hard for me with stuff like this because its not like he can go out and buy me more of something - I just have to shell out twice the money...

I am about the time where I should be PMSing, and I realize that fact. I also realize that when I am PMSing my judgement is off a bit... I don't want to be a jerk about things and am quite open to apologizing if I really am being silly... but at the moment, I don't feel like I'm being silly!!


Help ladies, 3rd party insight?
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:29 PM   #2
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I can so identify with this. When I first began dating my DH, who was a single father of 2 young boys, we had a similar argument and he told me "You snooze, you lose." Seriously. I put my foot down and we came to an agreement on how I could mark some things for my use. Any "lean cuisine" dinner was mine, as an example, all other freezer food was fair game for them. And I got a drawer in the fridge that I could stash stuff in that was for my use. That system has worked very well.
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:39 PM   #3
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I am in a similar situation, since my hubby has not been working for awhile now and I am earning all the money. I do not think you are being unreasonable, but I think the real issue is his not working and helping you pay for that food. I believe that most petty arguments have deeper roots, and the job situation seems to be your deeper root.

Maybe you are starting to resent him for sitting at home eating up everything and throwing all responsibility to pay for the stuff on you? If that is the case, then there could be deeper relationship problems coming. Resentment is a big thing that can come between you. It doesn't sound like he has much respect or appreciation for how hard you work to pay for everything...the "just go buy more" shows he either doesn't appreciate what you are doing or he doesn't understand how hard you work to buy the stuff.

maybe it is time to have a heart-to-heart about his not working. If that is he issue, then it needs to be cleared up as quickly as possible. Is he trying as hard as he possibly can to find a job? Maybe you can do something to help him find a job? Then he could "go buy more" himself!

I also make an effort to buy some things that just he likes and I do not touch them. Maybe something like that will work with your guy? Ask him if there is something he would like to have instead of yours and you will buy him some, then you can each stay to your own stuff on those items.

Just me, but if my hubby ever said "just go buy more" it would be a huge issue with me. He has never done that and is very respectful as far as what i buy for myself, etc. because he knows I am working hard to buy those things and he is not helping right now. I also know that he is trying his hardest to find a job, so there is no resentment there.
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:43 PM   #4
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Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Why do you keep him around? I take it you don't have children so it's not like he's a SAHD, right? What is he contributing? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:45 PM   #5
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I don't think you are being unreasonable. My husband works from home and going to the store goes on his chore list anyway. We both put in money and there are a lot of things that he knows I need for my diet and he makes sure they are in the house. I think that's just being respectful. I wouldn't expect kids to be able to do that, but I expect an adult to.
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:51 PM   #6
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This totally reminds me of something with my ex. I wasn't eating bread (it made me feel unwell) but was able to eat whole wheat flour tortillas. He knew this was my reason for buying them. There was a loaf of bread that was just for him, yet he ate my last two tortillas with his breakfast, and didn't understand why I was mad.

My only suggestion is to have him go through the adds with you, or go shopping with you, and pick out things for him. Perhaps he is feeling he has no control in things, and this is his way of acting out. You are not being ridiculous at all. You need to put your foot down, and if he doesn't listen get a minifridge/freezer with a lock on it and keep the just you stuff in it.
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:54 PM   #7
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I will say that I have to tell DH when I buy certain things for recipes. Especially cheese. He can go through a 2lb brick in a couple of days. So, I tell him not to eat certain things. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

It does sound like this is about more than just food. There seem to be deeper issues. I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about these issues.

Does he contribute in other ways? I'm the one in our house who isn't working. We do have a 1-year old, but I never intended to stay home. It just worked out that way. I bust my butt cooking, cleaning and taking care of our son (since I'm not working.) I feel guilty about not bringing in money, so I do what I can around the house. DH and I talk about this a lot. My guilt, that is. I guess what I'm saying is, he should be doing something to contribute. Even if it isn't money. It sounds like this might be what this is really about. KWIM?
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Old 10-11-2011, 07:55 PM   #8
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Just to add to the discussion - everything I go shopping, I do ask what he wants and I buy his "special" stuff, and I bring him with me, ask "Is there anything else you want?" and then I go buy my own stuff - and he will eat his stuff AND my stuff unless "my" stuff is something he doesn't like.

As far as helping around the house issues, he will do things if I ask him to (usually) but he will generally not do it on his own initiative unless it is to take care of the cats.

The resentment has been a HUGE issue for a while now and we've been pretty open about it, but it generally ends up with him being upset because I "make him feel bad" and "he would never make ME feel bad if the roles were reversed"... He *just* got into school after a few years to try to get a job hopefully and ease the load. The plan is that after his 18 week program is up and he gets a job, I can start working part time and take a break.

shishkeberry - true, we are not married and this is not how I plan on spending the rest of my life, but he has been unable to find work and is going to school a couple days a week in the morning to try to make himself more marketable in the future.
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:10 PM   #9
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He's being a jerk, plain and simple.

However, I live with three men (my brothers and my father) and quite frankly they have the attitude that all food is for them. I've had so much of food that I planned to have eaten.

My mother and I have had to resort to hiding food simply because we can't eat it fast enough. I've stashed away my fiber one bars, hidden my leftovers at the back of the fridge and put snacks in cabinets. My mother and I know all of the hiding places and we've found that if it's out of sight they won't eat it.

It sucks to have to do that, but it seems to be the only way I can keep things around :/ I'm hoping my fiancee isn't like this (so far he doesn't seem to be)
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:21 PM   #10
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How old is this child living for free in your home?

Reminds me of a room-mate I had when I was young....we grew up together, a very good friend of mine, still is today almost 40 years from the moment I will speak of....

We bought our own food/drink but if he ran out he would eat mine....leave me $$$ for it. I told him fine but do not drink my last Dr. Pepper...no matter what I said it seemed he would....

Hard to drink a dollar left in the fridge with your dinner meal....

He had to go otherwise we would not still be friends today!
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:27 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EZMONEY View Post
How old is this child living for free in your home?
30, almost 31.
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:33 PM   #12
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I don't think you're being unreasonable. But...and I say this with all due respect and 3FC love...he can only do what you allow. I think the lack of consideration is not okay nor would it be okay to say that you'rea acting like a "#$# hole." It's a level of respect for what makes you happy.

My DH is not perfect BY FAR....one thing that I do appreciate is that he respects what is important to me. Sometimes he will tell me that he doesn't understand but agrees to do something because it means something to me.

Similar story, I had a low calorie dish that I was saving to eat. He decided to eat it with his CHILI (that I couldn't eat). I called him in a huff and he said "I didn't realize you were saving it for something. I'll pick up some more when I go to the store." And he did- along with some of my other favorite low cal stuff.

It seems the issue is not the drink or the exchange but a mutual respect issue. Hope I didn't offend....
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:47 PM   #13
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This is a very immature individual. I don't think talking to him will do any good. I would lock any nonperihsable foods in the trunk of my car, take them out one at a time.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:03 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shishkeberry View Post
Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Why do you keep him around? I take it you don't have children so it's not like he's a SAHD, right? What is he contributing? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
Yeah, I'm with shishkeberry on this. Seriously, it might not be his fault that he can't find a job, but it sure as heck doesn't sound like he appreciates everything you do for him. He's not your son, he's supposed to be your partner. I wouldn't put up with the things you've told us and my guess is you put up with a lot more that you haven't told us.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:30 PM   #15
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When the kids were all growing up we had to set respectful boundaries on certain items...mainly snack stuff and fruit...

They all had their favorite ones, which was not a problem....but when theirs ran out some of them thought everyone else's favorites was fair game...

As a family we learned to set those respectful boundaries....

which pretty much was....

Ask before you take.
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