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Old 10-08-2011, 08:06 PM   #31  
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I've read this whole thread and I'm confused. So please forgive me if I misunderstand.

Are you mad because on your wedding night, you lost your virginity to your spouse, and in that encounter it wasn't like you had hoped it would be because he used dirty words that you found unsexy/insulting? Then there is the extra annoyance/anger about him not meeting expectations in his chores?

I think you guys could think about how you communicate in your marriage. I'm a stranger and if I am right about what I think the problem is here... it took me a lot of head scratching to figure it out. Try to speak firm buy plain to your partner. No guessing games.

Also deal with it ASAP. Don't let it fester. Then it grows out of proportion.

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I tell him I need to bring it up so I can talk about it. He doesn't do this for over two months. When I remind him about what he had in fact agreed to do, bring it up so I can share my feelings without have to break the ice. Doesn't do it.
Is there some shyness thing going on when talking about sex to your partner?

I think of sex like the weather channel. Esp. if you are first getting to know each other's style. Best right then and there, in the moment, updates all the time. Later in life this isn't as needed because you already KNOW your partner, but I think in the beginning a sense of humor and a willness to report helps a lot.

A simple "I need this encounter to be ______, ok?" before going in would have helped so much the first time out. Whether it was slow, easy, gentle -- whatever it is you needed it to be. Esp after all the wedding stress.

Then when in the process of actually having sex? More weather channel.

When things aren't working you just speak up and go "hey, this is not working for me, can we try ____? Because I'm not comfy with a pillow stuck under me." (Or whatever it is.)

Or if something IS working affirm it right then! "I like this! How is it for you? Because I could have some more of that!"

There's a period of time where you are still "learning" your lover.

In married life, there's all kinds of sex. Not just sex for fun and sex to make children. There's wide awake sex, there's I'm too tired but I'm willing to watch sex, there's gentle lovemaking, there's swinging from the trees Tarzan sex, there's quickies, there's longies, there is ... whatever it is!

If there's something that turns you off -- just say so. RIGHT THEN.

Even now, decades later we still go in with a systems check first.

"Ok, how are you? Because I'm up for it, but my allergies are gross today so I might need some kleenex breaks in there somewhere."

"Ok. I'm good to too but I whacked my big toe in the garage so look out for that. No touching anywhere over there."

It really is not a big deal.

On the chores -- that's a familiar thing too. The division of labor in a home is a common thing to have to work out in marriage. Go for the happy medium, the compromise. But keep a sense of humor and keep trying different ways so that all needs are met and take quirks into account. My spouse is NOT a hanger dude. I cannot get him to hang clothes and I could have spent the last 20 years arguing about hangers. Instead I got him a dresser. There. Fold it all then, and stick the clothes away THAT way then.

He used to drive me nuts not putting things away in the kitchen until one day I labeled all the cabinets. He said in surprise "Who labeled everything?" and I calmly said "Well, you can't remember where the tin foil lives. But I know you are literate and can READ so now you can just figure it out and I don't have to hear it." He laughed. Problem solved. He is still as clueless, but he CAN read, and he figures it out on his own time now instead of bugging me about foil.

Once he made me nuts with something and I wrote a note in dry erase marker under the lid of the toilet. So when he went to pee, he'd lift the lid and it would say "Remember... blah blah!" It startled him, but he remembered it. I don't even remember what the chore thing was, I just remembered that it worked!

So get counseling if you need more help, but also try to roll with some of this newlywed-figuring-each-other-out stuff.

GL!
A.

Last edited by astrophe; 10-08-2011 at 08:22 PM.
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Old 10-10-2011, 06:53 AM   #32  
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Hmmm..youve touched on a very common subject in which spousal disagreements and fights are common. Sex is one of those subjects that cause some of the main issues in relationships..and im going to take that one step further and say that its not just the issue of sex..in fact, its the issue behind the sex. After reading what you have written this is what i can sum up so correct me if im wrong:

> Your'e dissapointed at how your wedding preparation went
> Your'e dissapointed at how your spouse failed to plan in accordance to your wedding day aka: his vows
> You feel as if you have been respectful and "waited" until your wedding night, for your husband
>You feel disrespected and dissapointed by your husband on your wedding night during your "first time"
>You feel that his comments were out of line and insensitive.
>You feel like when it comes to chores, he isnt meeting the "status quo" for the typical adult
>You see his lack of cleanliness as a childish thing and an immaturity thing
>You have an expecation about the cleanliness of the house and you feel he isnt meeting it.
>You feel frustrated that he wont talk to you regarding your wedding night which im guessing makes you feel like that he doesnt care about how he treats you.

So this is what i hear your saying about your relationship and your husband...and of course i caught the positives, but im looking directly at the problems.

Aside from that, this is what i also hear your saying:

> I felt like i had to be a people-pleaser
> I have two degrees which is unusual at my age
>I feel like there were a lot of expectations to meet growing up
> I feel like im making up for something that my mother lacked when i was growing up.

Some people will say that the list of stuff above doesnt really play into it, but thats not true. It does. If you lived in a house where you had expectations put on you and those expectations were a lot for you to deal with, the odds are, you will also grow up having either "no expectations" or "super high expectations" of someone else. A person who grows up in a family feeling pressure to meet expectations and to be "perfect" in more than one area of life, often grows up feeling like the world owes them. They walk around with this attitude of "you owe me" Its as if you have been through this time in your life where you in a sense "owed the world" and now you feel as if the world owes you in some way, for making life so difficult for you in the past. This is not true, and this way of thinking must be overcome in order to live a more balanced life around others. Also, by people having high expectations of you, it can go without saying, that you, yourself, will have un-talked about expectations of other people. Keep in mind two things: 1) People arent perfect and they can not meet all your expectations and 2) they can not begin to know or understand what those expectations are, inless you make them clear.

Secondly, if you hold onto your dissapointment over your marriage day and your dissapointment in him, because he failed to plan his vows in advance or failed to help in anyway, that dissapointment will eat you alive. You are holding onto dissapointment and in turn, it is tainting your vision, in the way you choose to look at your husband. Its as if someone just colored your glasses red. You will resent him and see him as a failure inless you learn to forgive him for his inability to be perfect. Im not saying forget..Im saying forgive. You are holding it against him still and its not healthy. Its time to move on now...you cant undo that night. You can undo that day. Dissapointing..yes..and your allowed to be, but you can either, stay dissapointed and have it ruin the rest of your lives together or you can get past it and begin to enjoy the rest of your lives that you have to share.

As far as the issue with being called names..yes, there is in fact no need to be disrespectful of one's spouse, that is true. However, in this case, it can be summmed up to your husband simply being a "dude" on a night, that he probably should have been more of a gentleman. Instead of blowing this out of porportion like us women tend to do: simply, confront the situation and say " I feel"....... and make it clear to him that you feel disrespected and unhappy when he says things like that. Ask him to be more......" however, it is you want him to treat you, and then after that..agree to let it go and move on. He doesnt need you hanging guilt over his head. He probably feels bad about the situation or he could possibly not have a clue how it made you feel if you didnt express how it made you feel.

Last but not least: Dont go to bed angry. Just make sure you arent bringing up all the issues in bed right before he wants to go to sleep. Make a time to talk about stuff with one another when you both are well rested and have time thats free of busyness. Be honest with one another and most of all..love one another..after all..isnt that why you got married in the first place?
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:12 AM   #33  
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I'm with Port -- that was very well written!

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Old 11-08-2011, 02:39 AM   #34  
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Hurt me again. I have moved to the spare bedroom.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:56 AM   #35  
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What do you plan to do , now ? Do you want the marriage to work ? Does he want the marriage to work ? I still think you both need counseling, you have some major lack of communication issues that need to be resolved.Your life must be miserable the way you describe it. Get help or it will only get worse.
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Old 11-08-2011, 07:03 AM   #36  
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Yes, please seek counseling.
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Old 11-08-2011, 12:51 PM   #37  
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Hurt me again. I have moved to the spare bedroom.
That's a major thing- do you want to talk about what happened?

I hope things get better.
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Old 11-08-2011, 12:59 PM   #38  
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Do you love him? Like really really love him?
I've been with my husband for 6 years. The first 3 years were a HUGE learning curve. He was super immature compared to who he is today. We have learned each other's needs and "expectations" (as far as chores, etc are concerned).
He has become a wonderful husband but it took a handful of arguments and rough patches to get us here. Infact, just last night we were laughing about a huge fight we had the first year of marriage. It was over chocolate milk!
Not saying I was perfect or that all women are perfect. But I do agree with other's sentiments that men can mature slower.
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Old 11-09-2011, 01:21 AM   #39  
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I do love him. Plenty. Thanks Funsize, nice to know there is hope. We had a 5 hour arguement over onion rings.

You are not talking to perfect person, my stuff up are on the human level. I also tend to not make the same twice (except for overeating).

Eagle River, my very first post was too graphic for this community, a mod very nicely sent my a PM about it. I don't want to cross the line again, I want to add the community not be a thorn in the mods side.
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Old 11-09-2011, 12:37 PM   #40  
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Eagle River, my very first post was too graphic for this community, a mod very nicely sent my a PM about it. I don't want to cross the line again, I want to add the community not be a thorn in the mods side.
Understood. I hope things get better for you, I really do.
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Old 11-09-2011, 12:46 PM   #41  
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If he hasn't used that language with you in bed since then, I really don't think you have a leg to stand on, as far as still being angry over it. I kind of agree with his silent declaration that it's silly to talk about it. What more are you going to say? You've already made it clear you didn't enjoy dirty talk. Some women do, and a lot of men do...I don't think it's fair to get angry at him over something quite a lot of men do in the bedroom, so long as he hasn't done it since.
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Old 11-09-2011, 01:25 PM   #42  
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Samantha,

We can't fix our marriages when we actively do things to cause a couple to fall out of love. Move back to your bedroom. Fall in love again. Date again. Do everything you did to fall in love. I sense an inability to forgive in this marriage - this will kill it. You cannot move forward if you cannot forgive the past.

Visit marriagebuilders.com for more if you'd like.

Last edited by sacha; 11-09-2011 at 01:25 PM.
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Old 11-09-2011, 01:31 PM   #43  
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Samantha was hurt and insulted and felt degraded by his comments. Before a guy calls you those names he shuld know it is ok t do it. It wasn't in this case, obviously. I understand how she must have felt. I know how I would feel. You can call me ugly, you can call me fat, you can call me old, you can call me stupid, you can call me lazy,but do not ever call me a slut, never in any circumstance.
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Old 11-09-2011, 04:27 PM   #44  
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Samantha was hurt and insulted and felt degraded by his comments. Before a guy calls you those names he shuld know it is ok t do it. It wasn't in this case, obviously. I understand how she must have felt. I know how I would feel. You can call me ugly, you can call me fat, you can call me old, you can call me stupid, you can call me lazy,but do not ever call me a slut, never in any circumstance.
My ex husband acted in a way that hurt me during a few of our arguments. I addressed it with him and didn't go to marriage counseling because I knew no matter what he did, I couldn't overlook it.
I moved out with our child, and filed for divorce one week later.

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Old 11-09-2011, 08:54 PM   #45  
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My husband and I have hurt each other many times, mostly unintentionally (or during a heated argument in petty retaliation for being hurt). We both are very quick to forgive - because we each want to be forgiven just as quickly in return. We've never slept apart from each other out of anger, either (my health problems prevented us from sharing the same bedroom for almost a year, and it was the roughest year of our marriage).


I wouldn't stay in a marriage, if my partner hurt me in a way I couldn't forgive - and if I could only forgive under a specific circumstance, I would expect to have to tell him specifically how he hurt me, and specifically what he had to do to earn back my forgiveness and trust, and the time frame I expected it to happen. I wouldn't expect him to "just know" what needs to be done to make amends.


I also wouldn't stay in a marriage, if my partner couldn't forgive me relatively quickly for something I did that hurt him, especially if my behavior wasn't intentional. And I wouldn't stay with someone who decided that to earn his forgiveness, I had to make it up to him in some way in the future, but which he couldn't or wouldn't verbalize specifically. That's emotional blackmail, and I wouldn't stand for it.

Because of my own background (masters degree in psychology) if I was having trouble forgiving or being forgiven in my marriage, or if we faced a problem that prevented us from lovingly sharing the same bed for more than one night, or from having a good sexual relationship, I wouldn't make sure that my husband and I went to relationship counseling with me, because I know that the situation wouldn't improve without help. This was something I also discussed with my husband before marriage, because I wasn't willing to marry someone who wasn't willing to go to counseling if we encountered a problem we couldn't resolve quickly on our own.


These are my values, not yours, but I again strongly recommend counseling, because it will help you both learn to understand and forgive one another, or at least decide whether forgiveness is possible. If one or both of you can't forgive, you both deserve to move on, even if that means without each other. Without forgiveness, there's absolutely no hope of the marriage surviving in a way that doesn't destroy you both emotionally.

Last edited by kaplods; 11-09-2011 at 09:45 PM.
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