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Old 10-06-2011, 06:00 PM   #1
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Default I don't even know what to do with this.

I'll start off by saying that I am 30 years old and that as sad as it sounds I've never been in relationship. Not even remotely close. This is probably mostly due to confidence issues and the feeling that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big as I am, so why would would anyone else? It's pretty awful, but it is what it is.

Anyways. Last year I moved to a new town to attend college. I'm pretty socially awkward but I did manage to make a small circle of really awesome friends who I honestly spend most of my time avoiding because I feel inadequate.

Anyhoo, among this circle of friends there is one man in particular whom I have grown pretty close with. He's the first male in my life who has never made me feel like less of a person for being over weight. He treats me just as well as he would any of his friends, values my opinions and comes to me for advice. As such, he and I have shared a lot of things with one another that aren't usually things that one would make common knowledge (like the fact that I've never had a relationship, which he didn't seem weirded out by). To put in plainly, we're buddies. Really good friends.

The thing is that over the course of the last few months I've been developing some particularly un-buddy like feelings for this person. It all came to a head last week when I decided to suck it up and just tell him. I've lost 45 pounds, I'm feeling a bit better about myself, so why not do something that I have been scared to do my entire life? He's confided in me, we spend a lot of time together and have a lot in common. He doesn't seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. Those are signs, right?

Wrong. So wrong. I approached him and told him how I felt. I tried my best not to come across as desperate or lonely. I just gave him the truth. He turned me down, citing that he just wasn't interested in me like that. That stung, but fine. But he also said that part of it was because I'd never been in a relationship before. Being someones first everything isn't a responsibility that he feels like he can shoulder and that he 'remembers the unrealistic expectations that come with first relationships. it's not always flowers and sunshine.' No ****?

He all but called me emotionally immature. Now, he wasn't mean or condescending at all. Most of his reasoning was pretty rational and understanding and he did seem to genuinely care if he hurt my feelings and that he didn't want to change anything about our relationship, because I'm awesome (his words).

I'm not mad at him. Just mad in general. Is this always going to be the case? Is the fact that I've never been with a man going to scare them all away? I feel like my insecurities have dug me into this giant hole with no way to get out. How am I supposed to have a relationship if no one wants to be with me because I've never been in a relationship? I'm just feeling all of the things I try not be: desperate, frustrated and lonely.

Sorry for how long this turned out to be. I just needed to vent this somewhere because I am way, way, way too embarrassed to tell anyone I know.
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:17 PM   #2
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While he may have been being honest about all that, the bottom line was that he doesn't have a romantic interest in you. If he did, none of the other stuff would matter, or wouldn't matter enough that it would stop him. And that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. People are attracted to who they are attracted, and sometimes the greatest person in the world just doesn't interest you in that way.

So no, it's not always going to be like that. The guy that does have a romantic interest in you would not be deterred by the fact that you haven't had a relationship before. To be honest, I might not actually tell someone that at first, because I don't know that it really matters for the preliminary dating stuff. EVERY relationship is different, so even if you had dated 10 other men before this guy would be different. But regardless, for the right guy it won't matter. He'll probably even be stoked that he'll be your first, and if he's the right guy, your only.
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:37 PM   #3
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Just wanted to send your way. I know where you're at but have no advice or words of wisdom.

I'm proud of you tho because you took action to make your life what you want it to be. Well done.
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Old 10-06-2011, 07:32 PM   #4
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Somewhere there is a guy who has never had a relationship, either. This is a true fact. Just relax, enjoy any relationship you do have, and you do have one with this man, it just isn't a romantic relationship. When you least expect it you will meet someone. In the meantime enjoy the friends you have. Congratulations on your weight loss you have made a great start.
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Old 10-06-2011, 07:34 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee View Post
While he may have been being honest about all that, the bottom line was that he doesn't have a romantic interest in you. If he did, none of the other stuff would matter, or wouldn't matter enough that it would stop him.
This.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of your lack of relationship experience with future interested parties. If they ask, you can say something general like "oh, nothing too serious."

Sorry it didn't work out with that guy :\
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Old 10-06-2011, 09:49 PM   #6
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What EagleRiverDee and Glory87 have said.

Sorry things didn't happen like you hoped they would.

You're very brave just for getting out there and asking.

Sometimes when people aren't interested but don't want to be seen a Bad Guy/Girl, they'll use any half-plausible sounding reason to explain why it just wouldn't work, when the truth is they're just not interested (for whatever (probably unstated) reason). It can actually be kind of amusing to listen to, if you're not the person getting shot down.
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:04 PM   #7
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When I read this, my heart went out to you. THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU!!!!!! He just wasn't it. Think of him as your practice crush. You panned out feelings for him and acted on them. That is one point for you. You had the guts to come out and say something which is fantastic. Not many people can do that. It is easier to sleep with someone than to talk about feelings. Trust me on this.

I know it stings. You wouldn't be human if it didn't. There are still people out there our age who don't have experience in love. I worked with a man who was 33 last year who found someone for the first time. First gf and everything. There is hope. And BTW, guys like girls who haven't been around the block.

Much luck to you!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:24 PM   #8
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Just sending a few .

The others have said it well. I'm not really sure why he mentioned the fact that you were never in a relationship... because to someone who wanted to date you, it really wouldn't matter in the least.

So this guy wasn't a catch. There are plenty of others out there that are.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:47 AM   #9
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Congrats on having the courage to tell him! It didn't go the way you wanted it to, but at least you know now and won't waste time wondering 'what if'. Kudos for having guts that lots of other people don't have (myself included when I was single lol). You'll meet your man, keep your head up and keep on being strong.
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Old 10-07-2011, 02:38 AM   #10
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Try online dating that's where I met my first boyfriend. Just be careful of creepers and the players.
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Old 10-07-2011, 10:55 AM   #11
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As others have said, his reasoning doesn't make sense. If he were into you, then it would not matter at all that you have never had a previous relationship. He was just trying to let you down easy by coming up with lame excuses.

This may be unwanted advice, but I would always let the man tell you he is interested in YOU first. Not the other way around. You could have gone on being friends, and eventually he might have realized he was into you, too. Now, I don't know. It may be awkward with him from now on. He might change his mind now that he knows you like him, or it could really scare him away. For me, I always waited for the guy to make the first move. That way, I know he liked me. You also need to try to put yourself out there more. Join clubs, take up a hobby, go out with your friends. Go shopping, and buy flattering outfits. It will help with your confidence. The first person you need to work on is you.

I know it feels like it won't ever happen, but if you put some effort into it, it will.
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Old 10-07-2011, 11:38 AM   #12
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good for you for taking the chance. It didn't go your way but it wasn't the end of the world was it? Next time you will be better at reading the clues the guy is sending.

and I totally agree the guy was looking for excuses as to why he isn't interested. If he was interested it wouldn't matter.

I'm more concerned about you avoiding your friends? is there counseling available at the school? college is a great time for all kinds of personal growth
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:24 PM   #13
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There will be someone who will look at you and none of that other stuff will matter. I promise. Sounds like he really does like you as a friend - and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he came up with anything that remotely sounded like it might work as a valid, non-feeling hurting excuse. Guys can be clueless sometimes.

I didn't have much experience at all. My husband did not care. At all.
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:34 PM   #14
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BIG HUGS TO YOU....

The right someone who can relate to everything that you are is out there. Believe it or not, I was in a similar place. I was 26 before I had my first "real" relationship and he was my first everything. I was over 250 when I met him and closer to 265 when we married. 12 years of marriage and 3 kids later, I can tell you from experience that there is someone out there for you and it will change.

To a certain extent, my older age made me more capable of maintaining a successful marriage. I wouldn't have been able to handle many of the issues we faced in my young 20s (like financial difficulties and having a child born with a birth injury). God gave me exactly what I needed.

Feel better and many hugs....
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Old 10-07-2011, 09:22 PM   #15
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Quote:
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This may be unwanted advice, but I would always let the man tell you he is interested in YOU first. Not the other way around. You could have gone on being friends, and eventually he might have realized he was into you, too.
Totally disagree with this! Guys can be just as shy as girls, nothing wrong with a girl who takes charge and lets a guy know she's interested. If he's not, it might be a little weird for a bit but it probably won't kill the friendship. If he's not 12

I second the try dating online thing, I met my husband online. It has it's risks (creepers and players like cheerios said), but you also tend to find a lot more people who are serious about settling down.
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