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Old 10-02-2011, 08:18 PM   #1
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I'll try my best to explain what I mean, but my head's kinda all over the place.

You know how people always say you need to love yourself first, that loving yourself is the most important, that what other people think about you doesn't matter, blah blah blah? I think that's crap. Of course it matters what other people think!

"Other people" hire you and give you a job and a salary. "Other people" fall in love with you and marry you. I could think I'm the most awesome accountant ever, but unless someone actually gives me a job, it doesn't matter what I think. If no one else loves me, how do I know I'm really worth loving?

I don't know, I'm just...really lonely. Everyone I know is getting married, already married, having babies, etc. I feel like I'm behind, and there's something wrong with me, that I'm not good enough to be loved by a decent person. My best friend in the whole world is my most recent ex. It's been almost a year, and I'm still devastated. I'm completely in love with him, and it hurts that I'm not good enough any more. I tried online dating when I moved to Ohio, and that ended disastrously, so I gave up.

I want to believe that there's someone out there for me, but I'm beginning to give up hope. I know, logically, that I'm not "running out of time" (I'm 23), but I feel like I am.
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Old 10-02-2011, 08:43 PM   #2
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I've been married for 22 years and met my husband when I was overweigt. (175ish). During that time I was being pursued by several men...5 years prior I was thiner and desperately single. The difference was my attitude. I went from acting needy and clingy to KMA. When you don't give men priorty, they'll do anything to get attention!
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Old 10-02-2011, 09:06 PM   #3
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Just had to comment on your statement "how do I know I'm really worth loving." You are worth loving because you exist. Everyone is worth loving at any size.

I met and married my husband when I was 250+. (Today is actually my 12th anniversary). He loved me, loves me and we are doing great. When we met I knew I was worth loving...although I had serious weight issues. You are worth loving simply because you're you.

Hope you feel better. The girls below are cheering for you....
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Old 10-02-2011, 09:07 PM   #4
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I do see what you mean, but I have to add that for me it will always matter what I think of myself first.

If I only cared what "other people" thought, then I'd never be good enough for anything. One person would think I'm too tall. Another that I'm too fat. Another that I'm not smart enough. Another that I should dye my hair. Another that I should start wearing more green. Another that I should wear contacts.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going.

Does it matter what other people think? ... to a degree. But -I- define that degree.

For example, if my family or friends thought I was being mean about something, I'd want to pause and take a good hard look at my actions before getting defensive. That's considering what others think.

However, I really just cannot care what every single one of those "other people" think. So that lady I crossed paths with didn't smile back at me. I'm not going to lose my life wondering why.

I know the saying is that you have to love yourself first so that others will. And, again, to a degree I think that's true.

But, for me, it becomes ... I have to love myself and face myself in the mirror each day... so it doesn't matter what others choose.

If I only lived for the approval of others... I wouldn't be living very happily at all.
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Old 10-05-2011, 01:18 AM   #5
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Being in a romantic relationship is not the only way to be loved or to be considered loveable. You have friends that love you, family that love you. What would you say if this was your sister or your mom or you best friend (or other dear friends) or your favorite co-worker telling you this?? Would you agree? Yeah sister, I guess since you aren't married yet or have a boyfriend this very second, you must be unloveable! This is absurd. Too many people judge their worth on a relationship or based on other's ideas of success.

You know what I think when people very young (or otherwise really) get married and have babies? Nothing that great. I have a co-worker who was divorced and met a guy, knew him for three months and got married and now they are having major issues. All the marriages I have seen are shams. People get married because they feel they have to. Does that mean I think there is no love out there and there are no great marriages? No, not at all. But it does not make me want to run off to the alter the first chance I get. My little sister is recently engaged (for about a year) to her boyfriend of 7 years (she is 24, I am 27) and she WANTS to wait until she finishes PA school and gets on her feet and didn't even want to get married due to all of the bad experiences we have seen of it. Not everyone wants the same thing. Not everyone will get what they want when they want it.

Having a failed relationship, not being in a relationship,- these things do not make you unloveable. Everyone goes through these experiences at some point in their lives. I understand after a bad relationship it leaves you shattered, trust me I have been there. But the last thing you want to do is sacrafice your self worth and stay with someone who is no good for you anymore EITHER. For whatever reason. Enjoy your freedom. Hang out with friends, go out have fun, develop your interests, volunteer,... work on doing for yourself.

It is cliche but it is true. You must love yourself. If you do not love yourself how can you do something good for yourself? Like exercising? Like laughing? Like doing the things you enjoy? Trust me, when you sink, you will lose all of these things. That is why it is important to love yourself.

Why do you deserve love? Someone said, and I do not remember if it was on this forum or some other one (I think it was here): Think about babies being born. You have two babies just born. Do you think one is more loveable than the other? Does it matter the color of their eyes, the color of their skin, how much they weigh, if their hair is curly or straight or if they have no hair at all, what they will grow up to be, how much their parents make,...? No. Are these factors going to make you love one baby less? Does one baby really deserve love more than another? Do some babies not derserve love at all? Why do people feel they lose this? You always deserve love, because you are you.

The reason they say you have to love yourself first because think about it: if you met this super depressed person who hates life, who doesn't have any interests, who can't get out of bed,... Is this someone you will be attracted to or interested in getting to know? Or will it be the person who has a zest for life, who is interested in playing the guitar, hiking, volunteers at the homeless shelter on the weekends and reads to kids,... The reason they say this is because if you lose the love you have for yourself you will lose, well yourself, the spark... Depressed people deserve love too- just as much as anyone else- but if you are all holed up in your own prison it will be a lot harder to meet people to fall in love with you... Love yourself, be the person you want to be with, and others will not be able to resist your shine. But either way, whether or not you display it, whether or not you can find it, whether or not you believe it- you do deserve love, and you derserve the most important person you will ever have in your life to love you as well- hint: that person is you.

Haha. I hope someone can really word this better than me.



“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
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Old 10-05-2011, 10:43 AM   #6
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Quote:
Enjoy your freedom. Hang out with friends, go out have fun, develop your interests, volunteer,... work on doing for yourself.

It is cliche but it is true. You must love yourself. If you do not love yourself how can you do something good for yourself? Like exercising? Like laughing? Like doing the things you enjoy? That is why it is important to love yourself.
^^THIS^^ because it's true!!!

You must look inward to discover all the cool, wonderful, awesome things about YOU. You have to know these things before you can share them with others. Ask yourself this: "if you were another person, would you want to be friends with you? would you want to date you?" and then ask why or why not, and build from there.

We all have our good and bad qualities. Many things about us are simply "habits" (such as eating too much, thus making us fat) and habits CAN BE BROKEN.

So if there's something you don't like about you, change it. Work toward being the person you want to be. WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOU, EVERYTHING ELSE FALLS IN PLACE.

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Last edited by Beach Patrol : 10-05-2011 at 10:44 AM.
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