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Don't want to feel guilty about this...

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Old 10-02-2011, 03:02 AM   #1
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Default Don't want to feel guilty about this...

Okay, I could have sworn I posted about this before, but I can't find it anywhere. Long story short, my friend from NC got married to my husband's friend here in Cali. She met him while visiting us nearly two years ago. My husband and I played matchmaker and sort of set them up on two different dates and now here they are newlyweds.

The issue is that neither of them bothered to keep us in the loop or even really talk to us about anything. I didn't feel like she owed me anything, but a phone call saying, "Hey, he popped the question!", would have been nice, but that didn't happen. We got an invite to the wedding in NC and while we couldn't afford to go, we did send a gift.( Oh..and someone here had a shower for them, and we didn't get invited to that either.. )

They called my husband yesterday and asked him to help them move. He did help them today and was there all day, while I was at work. He told me that my "friend" has to clean out the old home tommorow on her own. She was sick with a migraine for two days and her husband has to work so its on her to clean out the old place.

I am now feeling bad, cause when my husband told me that, I said there was no way I would help her clean since she really left me out of everything up till now, and when the chips are down, they want us to help them do the grunt work. As soon as I said that, I felt bad, as if I was acting like a spoiled baby.

To top it off, aside from being sick, he told me that the place was so disgusting and dirty, and that her husband had snapped at her a few times, and she at him. They are already having mini fights, one week into being married. I do know that with moving, comes stress, and that some bickering is to be expected, but its adding to my guilt and pulling at my heartstrings. She is alone here with just her husband and no other family and starting over like I did 4 years ago.

What would you do? Do I give up my day off and offer to help her clean? Do I pretend she's not here and spend the day with my husband? I feel like I don't want to help out, and at the same time, I want to be there for her if she needs me. Am I a bad person if I don't go? My husband said it was up to me to decide....

Should I go? Should I not go? Help...
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Old 10-02-2011, 03:52 AM   #2
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If you called her, and asked her to come help you with a similar task, would she do it? If you think she would, then go. If you think she wouldn't, then it's a harder decision to make. Because we are supposed to give without expecting anything in return. But there are problems with being like that "all of the time". If you constantly give to those who do not reciprocate, just to be a good person, you end up becoming a doormat, and it's not worth it. Real friends give and take, not just give give give, or just take take take. Sorry I haven't given you a definitive opinion, but it's a pretty personal thing.
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:00 AM   #3
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I don't know, the fact that you introduced them and she never bothered telling you they were engaged... Doesn't sound like she much cares about the friendship anymore herself. Did she ask you to clean or did they just ask for help moving? Either way, you shouldn't feel obligated to help them. I'd feel pretty used if someone didn't keep in touch then all of a sudden was asking for help because no one else was around. In the end it's up to you though, if the guilt of not helping would outweigh the anger at her then help. If not, don't feel like you need to step up for someone who hasn't stepped up for you!
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Old 10-02-2011, 09:58 AM   #4
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I might do it this time but if in the future the don't include or at least inform you of important events in their lives this would be the last time. To put it bluntly , if they prove they just want you for labor forget it.
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Old 10-02-2011, 10:08 AM   #5
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She didn't ask for help with the cleaning. They did ask for help with the move. My husband was expressing concern for her having to deal with a VERY dirty house while she is sick and on her own.

I do think her MIL will be there helping her too, but two women and one dirty house? lol

I think I'll text her with an offer to help for an hour or so, and see what happens.
Thanks!
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Old 10-02-2011, 10:12 AM   #6
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do the right thing and go...it sounds like you are a giving kind generous and moral person, and i think that doing the right thing is an honor. a person is in need and if you can meet that need, then try to

just remember this:
Matthew 25:40

King James Version (KJV)

40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
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Old 10-02-2011, 02:26 PM   #7
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your decision sounded good to me. I can understand you not wanting to feel taken advantage of.

while you're with her, maybe you can work into the conversation why she hasn't contacted/included you more. maybe there's more to the situation than you know.
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Old 10-02-2011, 03:48 PM   #8
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I would go help her without expecting anything in return.

Then you won't have to worry about feeling guilty. If you are being taken advantage of, that isn't your problem. It is the other person's problem.

Just do what you know is the right thing to do.
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Old 10-02-2011, 04:06 PM   #9
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Thanks! I got in touch with her with my hours and told her I am avalible whenever she needs me even if its right after or before work.
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Old 10-02-2011, 04:10 PM   #10
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Good for you!!!
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Old 10-02-2011, 09:27 PM   #11
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Good for you for doing "the right thing." In the scheme of things, it's only one day. We can only be taken advantage of if we allow it. By offering to help, you give up the "right" to feel taken advantage of. That's liberating. Let her know your feelings were hurt that she didn't include you in the information loop. There may be reasons you don't know about. OK - no reason is a good one here - she probably shared the news with total strangers at the grocery store - but cut her some slack and move forward. You know how it feels to be the new kid in town, so you can sympathize. you know you're doing the kind and neighborly thing. You'll be happy you did it in the long run.

Lin
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