[fatferretfanatic]

Thanks everyone for your words of support, advice, and encouragement. I really do appreciate it. I am hoping its just the medication doing it's thing. He didn't call last night, and it killed me. Here's to hoping he wants to talk today.

[bargoo]

I would find some way to get back together, where is he ? I know you are in Arizona. Can you hire someone to take you back ?

[4myloves]

[fatferretfanatic]

Originally Posted by bargoo

I would find some way to get back together, where is he ? I know you are in Arizona. Can you hire someone to take you back ?

He and a friend are coming to get me eventually. I don't know when yet though

[bargoo]

Originally Posted by fatferretfanatic

He and a friend are coming to get me eventually. I don't know when yet though

My suggestion , make it as soon as possible. Eventually is not good enough.

[djs06]

He's going through a lot of changes, as well as some disappointments. In addition it's REALLY hard to maintain intimacy in a long distance relationship and it takes a lot of work. If you guys haven't been long distance before, it's a huge adjustment, even if it's temporary. Maybe it would help to aim for a certain date so it's not some nebulous "sometime in the future" thing. If that's possible at all, given your situation- there are certain things that are obviously out of your control. But anyway, I think everyone has offered some great advice, I just wanted to chime in about the LDR thing being a stressor for both of you.

Hang in there! It'll be okay!

[fatferretfanatic]

For sure, long distance has always been hard for us. We've been apart before, when I studied abroad, visited my parents and before we were married. You guys are telling me though-the sooner, the better. But, he can't give me a concrete date.

[djs06]

Well, sooner IS always better- but if that's not the reality, it's not the reality! It's not unreasonable for you to want him to touch base at least once a day while you're apart. So yes, you do need to give him a little bit of leeway, knowing that he's going through some stuff that's really hard- but that doesn't mean you can't voice your concerns. Your needs should be met, too...

[Rana]

I think this breakdown in communication and understanding is actually something that has to be address seriously.

You have, right now, it seems to me, two options:

You can give him space and see what happens, let him come get you when he can.

Or

You can make arrangements to leave tomorrow, hire a driver, and get to Kentucky faster.

Whatever option you take, you will have some time to figure out what you want from this relationship.

It sounds like you've been dating for a long and you married relatively young. That means that you have a lot of shared experiences together under your belt.

You may be feeling insecure, but you should take those feelings and throw them out the door. This is your husband of X years and previously, your boyfriend of Y years. You know this relationship has been strong and has clearly gone through other hard times before.

The other thing I hope you know is this isn't about you, it's really about him and whatever he may be going through, between getting a new job (and having to impress his new employer), moving to a new state (Kentucky), leaving the Navy (and under "bad" circumstances) and taking new medication for his anxiety. There's A LOT going on in your husband's world right now.

I don't think it's right that he's not communicating with you.

Does he normally deal with these problems by shutting down?

While you think about what you're going to do, also think about what you want/need out of him. After this period is over and you move to Kentucky, you'll have to figure out the right time and place to discuss how dealing with these problems affected you and how you can improve that in the future. He can't shut you out and expect you to feel great about it. But you have to figure out what your limits are in terms of accepting his behavior.

All of us are different. In my world, I wouldn't chase him either, I would let him stew in silence for a little bit. I'm not going to chase him if he's not interested in me.

I would give him some time to figure himself out, but I wouldn't depend on him either to figure MY life out. If he doesn't want to set a date for me to move to KY, then I would figure it out myself, start applying for jobs from AZ, and start figuring out what hobbies/activities/groups I want to join in KY. And I would also look for a Marriage Counselor that will help us navigate through his new diagnosis and moving to a new city (if you can afford it).

You guys need healthy ways of dealing with relationship stress because there is so much stress right now on both of you.

Good luck.

[fatferretfanatic]

Thanks again, for the input and advice guys. It really helps.

Rana, I guess I am just going to give him some space. When I came to Arizona, I had no money, and I've just been staying with my parents. My little sister needs a baby sitter so the time I have spent here has basically been watching my beautiful nephew and helping out around my parents' house. I never anticipated that this would have happened, or I probably would have gotten a temporary job instead. If I knew I'd be here awhile longer, I'd get a job here. If it came out that he didn't want to be with me anymore, I'd just stay in Arizona and get a job. Kentucky has nothing for me there, only he and his family. I hope that's not what he wants to do, but if he did then I'd stay here. So, I don't have the money to hire a driver, and the money he has has come from the job he worked and what they paid him in the navy before putting him out; basically enough to get me back and perhaps get an apartment. I hope that maybe in the future we can afford counseling. We need it.

To answer your question, yes. He shuts down and shuts me out. He does it often, but he did at least want to talk to me in the past when he and I were away from one another. Before he left, his actions and words said he missed me. Now, I feel like he couldn't give a crap if I were there or not. Oh well. Right now, I don't know that there's much I can do except just let him do whatever.

[Missy Krissy]

I agree with Rena's advice 110%. If you can't afford counseling services, often times agencies like Catholic Social Services, Lutheran Social Services, and Jewish Social Services will provide therapy on a sliding scale (so if you make x amount of money they will only charge you a fraction of what it would normally cost). You don't even have to be of that denomination (Catholic, Jewish, Lutheran, whatever) in order to go to them, their mission is to help everybody. Just a thought.

[bargoo]

None of us know exactly what you should do. BUT this is what I would do, remembering that married couples are supposed to live together. I would see if I could borrow money from my parents (or his ) And I would get myself and my ferrets to Kentucky. The longer you are apart, with this , " I will come get you sometime". the harder and longer it will be.

[indiblue]

FFF, can you take a greyhound or train? I know it takes a while, but it'll get you home sooner than waiting for a friend. Not sure what their ferret policies are.

Alternatively.... can you fly back and leave your ferrets with your parents? Pick them up at Christmastime or something?

[DezziePS]

I agree. Honey, if it's the ferrets or your marriage- drop those little furry things off with a friend for a while and get your butt to Kentucky. Get a job after you get there and make enough money to have them shipped later.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by DezziePS

I agree. Honey, if it's the ferrets or your marriage- drop those little furry things off with a friend for a while and get your butt to Kentucky. Get a job after you get there and make enough money to have them shipped later.

This is exactly what I was thinking.