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Cyber Cheating

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Old 09-03-2011, 12:42 AM   #1
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Exclamation Cyber Cheating

How many of you believe texts and emails of a sexual nature (including naked pictures) constitutes as cheating?

My husband and I had a huge fight today unrelated to this, I tried to leave him and we ended up making up and having a wonderful day. Later on in the day he went to his friends house (he is there currently) and I discovered that he's been texting and even had a twenty minute phone conversation with a girl he had sex with once a long time ago before we met when I got on to pay my cell phone bill. I then began searching other things such as his email which he knows i have the password to, and that leads me to believe that on some subconscious level that he wants to get caught. I know he is not physically cheating on me... this girls lives very very far away. She also knows that he is married... they even spoke about me on their instant messaging conversation. He told her he loved me but that once in a while he missed having something "strange".

I've dealt with him doing this stuff for most of our three year marriage. He hasn't done it for a few months and a few days ago he started school and he has a long break between classes and he just started messaging all of his old girlfriends I gather out of mere boredom??? doesn't make any sense to me.

This is serious and I need some words of wisdom at the moment... considering telling him it's over when he gets home. We have a child. I don't know if it's worth ending a marriage over this???
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Old 09-03-2011, 12:59 AM   #2
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It's funny that you say that... I was always the type of woman who always said I would never put up with any nonsense from a man. I think because I've put on weight and acquired countless stretchmarks since we've been together I don't have any clue how I'd ever find anyone else again, as pathetic as that sounds... it's so unlike me to feel this way, I am a "the world is my oyster" type of person. I think I know what I have to do but it's easier said than done.

And for the record if we didn't have a child and weren't married there wouldn't even be a doubt in my mind about what to do right now.
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Old 09-03-2011, 02:40 AM   #3
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How many of you believe texts and emails of a sexual nature (including naked pictures) constitutes as cheating?

I know he is not physically cheating on me... this girls lives very very far away. She also knows that he is married... they even spoke about me on their instant messaging conversation. He told her he loved me but that once in a while he missed having something "strange".

I've dealt with him doing this stuff for most of our three year marriage. He hasn't done it for a few months and a few days ago he started school and he has a long break between classes and he just started messaging all of his old girlfriends I gather out of mere boredom??? doesn't make any sense to me.

This is serious and I need some words of wisdom at the moment... considering telling him it's over when he gets home. We have a child. I don't know if it's worth ending a marriage over this???
I don't know what to tell you...sure he might not be cheating since she is so far away, but if she was closer? Or if she decided to come for a visit? And randomly texting ex girlfriends??
I had an issue with my husband doing that..he would drink and than text female friends and they would come off as VERY flirty..I asked him to stop and he did..no fights.

Have you talked to him about this? If you ask him to stop and explain how it makes you feel, will he stop? If so, than trying to work it out might be better, especialy if he really stops. If he won't stop, doesn't care, than you have to make some hard choices.

I am so sorry your facing this...reading one not so flirtly text tore me up so badly, it took weeks to get over.
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:20 AM   #4
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Ive been there done that..and when my hunny and i had this conversation..we made an agreement that we would NOT talk to or have any connections with our ex's because it is way to easy to be doing somthing innocent like talking to an ex..but give the impression to the other person that something else is going on..So..thats why we cut all ties through phone email, internet..msn..everything..we do not talk to our ex's or maintain a relationship with any of them.

I think each relationship is different, but honestly, they are your ex's for a reason..and there shouldnt be a connection of any kind in my personal opinion..so maybe you should be honest and say "hey i know whats going on" but dont jump to conclusions..let him talk about it..and then come up with some clear boundaries in your relationship so that you know where each of you stand..Marriages and relationships go through stuff..and we often need to work at it..but i dont think its smart to call of a marriage until you set clear paramaters..then the other question is: how many times are you willing to forgive and move on?
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:32 AM   #5
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Sometimes such events may happen. Understanding and compromise is the best solution for such situation.
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Old 09-03-2011, 04:17 AM   #6
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HI,

Sorry to disagree but understanding and compromise will probably just get you more of the same behavior.

Though I am not a big Dr. Phil fan, he is correct when he says " You teach people how to treat you."

What does your acceptance teach your child?

I think you deserve more respect . You are not defined by a dress size but by what you think of yourself. Write down all the good qualities that make you you, hold your head high and accept that this type of behavior is inconsistent with real love.

Give him a chance to make a choice- if the choice is not you then know there are men out there that would love you as you deserve.

Life is short but emotional torment can make it seem very long and unhappy.

Having said the above, only you know your overall situation and you are in the best position to chose the life you want. I just hope you don't sell yourself short.

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Old 09-03-2011, 04:27 AM   #7
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Sounds like you no longer respect yourself because of the weight, and that's setting the tone for how he treats you. You said you had no doubt what you'd do if it wasn't for your child and marriage. Personally, I don't think those are good enough excuses for tolerating something you know is wrong.

First of all, as far as any financial situation goes, "cyber cheating" is usually adequate enough in divorce court for you to come out on top. And as far as the kid goes, it may have been thought in the past that children of divorced parents have difficulties, but today it's pretty widely accepted that this isn't really true. My parents divorced, and it was the best thing on earth for me. If my parents had stayed together, my standard for relationships would be a bitter, loveless, and hurtful one- but instead I got to see both of the move on and be happy. They respected themselves enough to fix the problem, and that helped to teach me to respect them as well as myself.
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Old 09-03-2011, 04:28 AM   #8
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First off I want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this

In the end only you can decide what you're willing to forgive, and what is non-negotiable in your relationships.

If this is unacceptable behavior to you, then that is the only thing that matters. Ask yourself if this is something you're willing to work on with your husband through counseling or if it's not. There's no wrong answer.

I would urge you to put thoughts of "getting someone else in the future" out of your mind. That has NOTHING to do with how your husband is treating you at right this moment.

If you decide that it's worth it to go to counseling with him and talk it out, then do that ASAP! If you decide that this is not something you are able to work past and that this man is not right for you, then you take different steps.

You don't have to know immediately, and you might benefit from taking some time to think about it wholeheartedly.

But whatever decision you come to, know that it's right for you.
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:45 AM   #9
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The common definition of crossing the line in our marriage is: doing something with someone that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse.

It's only my opinion but if he's doing things behind your back that he wouldn't do in front of you, it's a betrayal.

Only you can decide if it's marriage ending or not. My guess is there are so many things done in the past, this may be a last straw. I gather this from the "other things" that you say have happened over the years.

Overweight or ideal weight, you deserve to be honored and cherished. There are men out there who will do that for you, no matter what your weight.
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:58 PM   #10
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My thoughts on this are that whether it gets defined as cheating or not may not be all that relevant in the big picture. You have the relationship between the two of you, then the relationship that the entire family has together.

You know better the in and outs of what may be going on in both spheres. Maybe he's not sharing some of the details of what he's struggling with and needs to do that with you. I'd suggest thinking about whether there are goals you both can team together to achieve to make both of your lives better, so that neither of you feel like turning away from each other to get what you want, and you both agree on what you want and the direction you want to go in.

It sounds like, from what you wrote, he's already crossed some boundaries that he shouldn't have. So, the two of you have to come to terms with that, to move past it, he has to accept responsibility, you have to forgive.

I don't think in every relationship where these types of things happen (and it happens in MANY), it's always "talked through". It can be more something that people do together with talking and some tacit agreement.

Only you know whether all the ingredients are there to keep you both working on this, or whether it's better to move apart.

Good luck to you and your family!
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Old 09-03-2011, 06:41 PM   #11
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YES it is cheating!

My friends husband just left her after 30 yrs of marriage. He came home and said he didn't love her anymore and left. Well, now after the shock ( she had no idea) she found out about all this txting with someone else.

ANY emotional connection ( other than a true friendship) is cheating. Like one of the other posters said. If it isn't something you would say or do in front of your spouse/parner it is wrong.

Now pick yourself up and get your groove goin' and don't put up with that nonsense. Have a Convesation with that man!
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:20 PM   #12
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much the same way that when it comes to actual sex, for women it's a lot more emotionally based and for men it's more physical... i think in many cases it's the same when it comes to the idea of cheating over the internet.

most women will say most definitely it is cheating.. and more men would respond that unless you cross a physical boundary... you're ok.

i think that the idea that we will always get 100% of what we need emotionally from one person is asking a lot... especially over the course of a lifetime. marriage isn't simple and it's not always black and white...

there is way too much pressure on having the relationship we would like to have ideally... but what's more important is to accept that these things (and people) are flawed by nature... and hopefully be able to talk honestly and safely from a place of love to determine where you go from here.

i'm just saying... it's never that simple.
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Old 09-04-2011, 11:03 AM   #13
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most women will say most definitely it is cheating.. and more men would respond that unless you cross a physical boundary... you're ok.
I actually asked around on this issue before as it's come up a lot in this information age and it's not a male/female thing. There are many people who consider this type of thing an emotional affair. I know my guy definitely wouldn't accept such behavior from me.

Those bounds might vary from person to person but 2 people in a relationship need to be on the same page about things like this....
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Old 09-04-2011, 11:08 AM   #14
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This is my advice for you, if it's an option.

When he comes back, ask him to go to marriage counseling with you, because you think that your marriage is in danger. If he asks why, tell him that there is stuff that you guys need to work through and that a marriage counselor will help you two work through it.

Mention everything you've said here to the counselor and how it makes you feel.

This is a type of cheating. He may be feeling like he's still a great guy because he hasn't cross the line, but he's spending time and energy on someone who isn't you. The counseling will help figure out what's going on with him and with you that they two of you aren't connecting.

If he does admit that he just wants to have sex with other women and it's not anything that's missing in your marriage, then you need to figure out if you can handle that and have an open marriage or not.

But this IS cheating, there IS a problem, and you need to address it.

It's worth going to counseling if you want to make it work. But if there is any doubt that this is the perfect man/husband/father for you, then just end it and don't waste the money on the marriage counseling...
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Old 09-04-2011, 12:01 PM   #15
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Thank you for all of your responses and support... the most difficult part about everything I was experiencing the other day is that 3fc was literally the only place I was able to find someone to talk to that day; I really appreciate your responses.

So here is what happened.... when he came home I decided to confront him. I calmly asked him to give me his phone and his face turned pale white, he looked like a ghost... he knew he was caught. He had deleted all the messages from his phone but he immediately confessed to having exchanged inappropriate text messages with her. I told him we were done. He cried all night, begging me not to end it. I've never seen him so emotional. At some point he was so distraught he tripped over something and fell on the ground (I tried really hard not to laugh). Eventually I went to bed. He deleted his email address and was going to change his phone number. I told him not to... if the intention to do something of the sort he is going to do it regardless, where there's a will there's a way. I understand getting rid of temptation but I just want him not to feel tempted to begin with, or to at least be strong enough to resist the temptation.

There is no doubt in my mind that "cyber cheating" is wrong, I was just interested in hearing other people's opinion. I do not believe that it is as bad as physical cheating (though I wouldn't confess that to him). I don't think he'd partake in these indiscretions with a woman who lived anywhere near us because of the possibility of it escalating. I did end up telling him we could work it out the next day... I felt his apology was truly sincere and I appreciate his honesty about everything. I was expecting him to argue that he didn't do anything wrong because nothing physical happened but he didn't and I was secretly a little bit proud of him for it as stupid as that may sound.

Somebody also mentioned something about it being unrealistic to expect to fill 100% of your significant other's emotional needs. I think this is an interesting concept. I am truly not the jelous type, the only reason I was upset was because the conversations were of a sexual nature, I don't have a problem with him having female friends (as long as he has never slept with them in the past, I don't believe ex girlfriends can truly be just friends).

He still has a lot of maturing to do, but at the end of the day I love him and he loves me and he's trying to make it right. I don't want to end my marriage over some text messages when we still have so many other good things in our relationship. I wouldn't forgive it if it ever happens again because I put my pride to the side and expressed to him how truly heartbroken I was over it, and if he ever did it again now knowing how I feel about it then he really isn't worth my time.
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