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Old 08-23-2011, 11:16 AM   #1
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Hey everyone. Any advice that you can give me would be great and appreciated. So I’ll start by saying I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. Things were going good in the beginning, like they always do. But now things seem to be going south. And I don’t know if it’s just me and my issues, or if there’s something else wrong that I should be more aware of.

Basically I feel like my boyfriend has a problem. He stares at other girls waaayyy too much. Now I know that’s completely normal for guys, and there’s nothing wrong with looking at the menu. But I mean, it’s very bad. He tries to look AROUND me to look at girls, we’ve almost back-ended people when he was driving because he was looking at girls, and he blatantly does it when I’m standing right next to him. I feel like I can’t go out with him and enjoy my time with him because he is constantly doing it, and it makes me very upset. I’ve talked to him about it, but he basically says I need help and that I’m too jealous. That as long as he doesn’t talk to them or whatever, it’s fine. But I feel like all of this is going to lead to cheating, or that it’s a warning sign that he’s a cheater.

He also has a problem with looking at porn and girls on youtube. Any time he uses my computer when I’m not around, he’s looking at porn. He constantly looks at girls shaking their “girl parts” on YouTube. He does it at work, and even when I’m in the next room. I feel whenever I leave the room he runs to grab his phone. WTH?? Like I’m not good enough to look at or something. I can understand if he did it once in a while. Heck, I look at that stuff sometimes too. But not EVERY chance I get. He has many email accounts (some of which he gave me the password, but there is one he just created last week – I don’t understand why he created it).

There was also an incident when we went out with my friends. He was VERY drunk, and was talking to one of my friends, and attempted to put his arms around her and hug her. I quickly stopped him before it happened. After that, he told me I was crazy, and that he never tried to hug her. Only that he thought I was coming over next to him and he put his arms up to hug me (which I don't believe).

I feel like he has an obsession with girls...like beyond normal. Am I the one with the problem? Do I need to just suck it up? Or is he really shady and someone that I should be careful of? Any opinions?
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Old 08-23-2011, 11:44 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by LaBonita View Post
Hey everyone. Any advice that you can give me would be great and appreciated. So Iíll start by saying I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. Things were going good in the beginning, like they always do. But now things seem to be going south. And I donít know if itís just me and my issues, or if thereís something else wrong that I should be more aware of.

Basically I feel like my boyfriend has a problem. He stares at other girls waaayyy too much. Now I know thatís completely normal for guys, and thereís nothing wrong with looking at the menu. But I mean, itís very bad. He tries to look AROUND me to look at girls, weíve almost back-ended people when he was driving because he was looking at girls, and he blatantly does it when Iím standing right next to him. I feel like I canít go out with him and enjoy my time with him because he is constantly doing it, and it makes me very upset. Iíve talked to him about it, but he basically says I need help and that Iím too jealous. That as long as he doesnít talk to them or whatever, itís fine. But I feel like all of this is going to lead to cheating, or that itís a warning sign that heís a cheater.He also has a problem with looking at porn and girls on youtube. Any time he uses my computer when Iím not around, heís looking at porn. He constantly looks at girls shaking their ďgirl partsĒ on YouTube. He does it at work, and even when Iím in the next room. I feel whenever I leave the room he runs to grab his phone. WTH?? Like Iím not good enough to look at or something. I can understand if he did it once in a while. Heck, I look at that stuff sometimes too. But not EVERY chance I get. He has many email accounts (some of which he gave me the password, but there is one he just created last week Ė I donít understand why he created it).

There was also an incident when we went out with my friends. He was VERY drunk, and was talking to one of my friends, and attempted to put his arms around her and hug her. I quickly stopped him before it happened. After that, he told me I was crazy, and that he never tried to hug her. Only that he thought I was coming over next to him and he put his arms up to hug me (which I don't believe).

I feel like he has an obsession with girls...like beyond normal. Am I the one with the problem? Do I need to just suck it up? Or is he really shady and someone that I should be careful of? Any opinions?

I highlighted the parts that jumped out at me. It sounds to me like you know how YOU feel about this. You might just need a little reassurance that it's okay to feel how you feel. I think you are spot on. Whether you are reading too much into his behaviour or not may be a matter of opinion. But if you feel disrespected and as though his behaviour is "shady", I'd trust your insticts. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but tells you it's a chicken....it's probably still a duck!
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Old 08-23-2011, 01:52 PM   #3
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I agree with the above poster. If his behavior makes you uncomfortable (and I think you have reasonable expectations) and he refuses to change despite multiple talks, it's time to end the relationship. Maybe if enough girls break up with him over this he will seek counseling. Don't waste any more time feeling miserable and insecure with this guy.
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Old 08-23-2011, 01:58 PM   #4
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It could be an overreaction. However, what concerns me most is his disregard for your feelings. It seems (granted, I wasn't there) that you approached him gently without confrontation and explained the situation. You understand guys look but the excessive amount that pushes you to the back burner is upsetting. Despite knowing how you feel he called you crazy and told you you're imagining things.

Downplaying the emotions of others and making it out to be their problem rather than shared is a red flag to me. Your in a relationship, if something bothers you, it should be discussed and dealt with together. This is a two way street and he deserves the same. It doesn't mean people always get what they want but compromise, and it doesn't seem like he's willing to do so even at the cost of upsetting his partner on a continued basis.

If I were you I'd make another attempt to talk to him about it and see how he reacts but honestly, I wouldn't hold my breath and probably just cut my losses and look for someone more fitting. Good luck. Hope it turns out for the best.
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Old 08-23-2011, 02:03 PM   #5
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I don't think you should let yourself think that this behavior is normal. Both men and women notice people that they're attracted to, even if they're happily in a relationship. That part is normal. I'd go as far as saying watching porn occasionally is normal for a man, but usually, when the guy is in a relationship, he's more than happy to decrease the amount of time watching porn in exchange for being with his gf.

But all of this you mentioned is in no way normal. Sounds like he's just setting up for the "man has needs" cheating excuse. I've had a boyfriend behave somewhat similarly, and it ended just like you would expect it to- with him cheating. Sorry to be so adamant, but I hate to see you tolerating the same crap that made me miserable in the past.
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Old 08-23-2011, 02:49 PM   #6
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Here's what I get from your post

What you're discribing isn't normal, and you really know it.

He's not just putting your relationship at risk, he's putting his job at risk In two jobs I worked, I've known of 4 men who got caught looking at porn at work - and in every case, the man was immediately fired (and only after the men were fired, was it learned just how much porn they'd been watching).

Most men don't watch porn in the way you describe. And even men with the worst wandering eye, usualy don't "rubberneck" or push their girlfriend aside to do it.

Even if it were normal (and to be clear, it's not) - You don't like it (and I don't think many women would).

He's not likely to change.


So that only leaves what you're going to do about it. Is he really so wonderful that this extremely serious flaw is something you're willing to live with (even if he never physically cheats, the obsession with other women is going to always leave you feeling as if you're a distant second priority in his life).

Only you can decide if being alone (temporarily) is worse than being with him - but it doesn't seem like you're really with him, even when you're with him - his mind is somewhere else (and if you've read similar posts where I've commented, you'd know that I tend to cut men a LOT of slack when it comes to insensitive behavior - but this really isn't just simple insensitivity - this seems to border on sexual addiction).

This isn't going to go away, and it probably won't get better at least not with lots of counseling (anyone willing to risk their job for porn, has a serious porn addiction. It's not a "hobby" it's an illness).

I'm not saying he's evil, but you deserve better. You don't have to hate him or stop loving the parts of him that attracted you to him to realize that you deserve better and he's not likely to give it.

I don't usually tell women "dump him" even when I want to (and in your case, I very much want to), but I will say that this isn't an easy problem to fix, and it isn't likely to change. So you have to decide what you're willing to live with, and unless you're willing to live with a man with a roving eye (and hands), and a man who may lose his job to his porn-addiction, it will be easier to leave the relationship sooner rather than later, because every minute you stay with him will only make leaving harder because the more time and energy you invest in a relationship, the more valuable the relationship becomes - even when it's pure ****.


Good luck with this.
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Old 08-23-2011, 11:28 PM   #7
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He's a boyfriend. Not a husband. Cut him loose and find a guy who can treat you the way you deserve.
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Old 08-24-2011, 12:45 AM   #8
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He's a boyfriend. Not a husband. Cut him loose and find a guy who can treat you the way you deserve.
I must say I agree with Crystal on this one.

And it's only been 6 months, how will you feel if you waste years with a guy who is so obsessed with looking at (for now) other women that he almost had an accident?

I say cut your losses and move on, there are a lot of good guys out there and you deserve one.

Good luck.
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