OK ladies -- need some advice. My stepson is driving me nuts! They visit us every other weekend, and we go to church fairly often. He can't stay awake thru it, though! We've been doing this for 2 years, and have tried giving him candy/gum, having him do bible crossword puzzles, etc -- but nothing works. He is not interested whatsoever. And it frustrates me -- I get embarrassed & then I get mad. We've even decided that if he doesn't behave (ie - stay awake), he loses 1/2 his allowance. I'm now starting to think that's a little harsh -- but we're at the end of our rope.
Are we expecting too much? Is it normal for a 12 year old to sleep in church? Should I not be embarrassed & just "get over it?" Not being a parent before & not going thru this & knowing what to expect is tough. Plus, there's only so much we feel like we can do, since he's with his mother most of the time. Our church is definitely not boring. It's very high-tech with the rock music & lights & props & stuff, and our preacher makes jokes, etc. - so we think it's possible for him to listen.
I guess the biggest thing is don't give up. Have him go anyway. You never know when something he hears will sink in and help him in some way you might never know. Just nudge him when he falls asleep and try to keep him awake. Other than that leave it in Gods hands. He has ways you might never expect. Good luck. ...Sis
Thanks Sis and Liz321 -- you are right, it's not up to me - it's up to God. And I really thought about what you said, Liz, about him needing alot more than church. I think you've got a good point. But we're still going to make him go with us, but he HAS gone thru alot and needs alot of love & other stuff from his father (my hubby). We spend a lot of time with him when he's here - but you know men -- they don't really talk about feelings & stuff. Which is probably what he needs, but he won't open up either. Anyhoo -- thanks for the advice ladies!
Another idea, is to make sure that he goes to bed earlier on Saturday nights. He is at that puberty age where growth spurts are starting, and I remember when I was in junior high and high school-there were times when I would come home right after school each and every day and sleep until dinner, and sleep until noon on weekends if my mother or father would let me. It wasn't that I was being lazy, but I was just physically exhausted for some reason. A lot of teenagers are like this during certain years. All of the changes your body and hormone levels are going through can really take it out of you. I would be fine when I was at school, or sports practice-but the minute I was finally sitting still-the tired feeling just overcame me and there was nothing I could do about it! It was almost like taking a sleeping pill and then sitting still trying not to go to sleep. I imagine that when he is sitting there in church after getting up early to get ready and go-that is exactly what he is feeling.
If he is a pretty good kid, then I doubt he is doing this to be difficult, but he may just really be that tired. In that case, I recommend that you do like the other lady said, and just have him lean up against you and snooze.
Aphil
We typically go on Saturday night, and both before & after church, he is full of energy -- it's just his mindset that church is boring & he doesn't want to be there. But yes, maybe he IS that tired, too. We put him to bed at 10pm on Friday, but he stays up watching cartoons & stuff --- but then he's up until midnight or more on Sat after church too *shrug* Sounds like I just need to accept it!
is there a youth group or something he could help with/belong to? maybe help before the service setting stuff up, or helping in the daycare area if he works well with small kids?
have you talked to him about it? it's not as if he is 3 years old and doesn't have the attention span to stay awake. does he realize what he's doing? does he do this in school?
i really don't think you should let him sleep against you in church. if he is going to sleep, keep him at home. it is incredibly rude to sit in an audience and sleep (unless you are young enough to be breastfed...then it's okay), and by letting him sleep against you, you are teaching him that his behavior is acceptable. i would hate to be one of his professors in college. i've had instructors stop class and wait until the napping students wake up before continuing the lecture.
in all honesty, i think you should make sure he actually gets to bed at the hour he should, and restrict access to the tv so he can't stay up watching cartoons.
what he is doing is totally rude, and barring some health issue, he should be called on it by both you and his dad. maybe even the pastor/priest/whomever in charge if it comes down to it.
Hi trixiepup -- thanks for your response. He's only here every other weekend, so it's really hard to get him involved in alot of stuff. They live over an hour away, so it's not like we can go pick him up & take him to some of the activities -- if he lived with us, he'd definitely be there for kids activities & making friends, etc.
yes, we've talked to him about it, and he says he tries, but can't help it -- it's just boring. that's when we started taking some of his allowance away -- told him he had a choice. But it still didn't help.
that's why I get so embarrassed & mad -- i don't think it's acceptable at all. But how do you FORCE a child to do something he doesn't want to do?
I don't really know what he does at school -- they're homeschooled by their grandma, because he wasn't doing well in school. *shrug* don't even get me started on that.
I think one of the worse things you can do is punish him for something that has to do with church. He's going to come to resent church, God and YOU.
Does he go to church with his mother or anyone else at home? Maybe he finds it boring because he doesn't understand what's going on? Maybe he finds it difficult to relate?
He's 12, not 22...he's a child. He's going to do things that you need to call him on, but I think some are looking at it a bit harsh. Embarassing? Sure it is. Rude? Probably.
You said you discussed it with him? Did you talk WITH him or AT him? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've been at different spectrums....I've been a stepchild and a stepmom (also mom and gramma). If he's only with you every other weekend then just how important is it for you to conform him? How about he stays home with dad or a neighbor?
How comfortable or accepting would YOU be if you forced to conform to someone else's beliefs or whatever. Yes God and church is important, but so is the way you present it to a child.
We don't really think letting him stay home is an option. He needs to learn about church, and by telling him he doesn't have to go, it seems it's sending the wrong message.
It just seems like we "cater" to him for 48 hours & make his visit as enjoyable as it can be. Can't he be respectful for 1 hour? Why is that so hard?
Oh believe me, I understand what you're saying...what is so hard about just sitting there and being respectful and awake for an hour. I guess it's just harder for a 12 year to do it than adults. Do you guys do anything together as a family besides going to church together? Activities? How about a bargain... 12 year old child sits quietly, respectfully and wide awake for one hour in church...then he gets a small reward? I dunno.... it seems to me you should know more of what goes on with his mom and gramma. That could have a lot to do with his attitude. And yes, it's going to be hard to conform him for a 48 hour period. Does he go to church with his mom? What are his beliefs? Have you talked to him about this outside of church?
It's none of my business but you asked for advice. This is not a simple situation for anyone to be in.
Good luck to you all though...I sincerely wish only the best.
I've been with his father for about 3 years now (married for 1.5 years) -- we used to go to church sporadically, but fairly often now. But when his dad was living with him, they really never went to church -- so from birth to about 8 or 9 years old, he really wasn't exposed to it. I guess that's part of the problem, is it's still "new" to him. His mom, after the divorce, got into a really big "God kick", and my stepson was only listening to Christian music & was really into it. But when his mom slacked off after a while, so did he. He doesn't care much for his new church that they're going to, but I think alot of it is he mimics his mother's opinions about things, and she's a really negative person to begin with. You said I should know more of what goes on with his mom & gramma -- it's very hard because the more I know, the more frustrated I get -- because she & I have VERY different views of raising children. So I'm probably not as inquisitive as maybe I should be ---- but then again, it's really more between his father & mother. Not me.
We do lots of stuff as a family, rather than just church. Typically when we pick them up, we go out to eat every other Friday night. He plays Yugioh card games, and he is in a tournament every Saturday when he visits and his dad plays with him in it. We usually will take them bowling, or to a movie, or to the arcade or something. We try really hard to keep them entertained & stuff -- that's why it's so frustrating that he can't "conform" for an hour!
We've talked to him about it, but he really never has much to say. He really doesn't open up much.
Thanks for the advice. Like I said, me not being a mother, I don't really know the appropriate way to handle this. And he and I aren't really "close" -- we're nice to each other, but no real "bond" has been formed yet. So that makes it hard, too. And you know men -- they don't really know what to do either -- so my hubby and I are trying to figure it out together but ya know, parenting doesn't come with a handbook! hehe
shyla, I commend you for the effort you've been putting forth in this situation. Big hugs to you...indeed you'll need strength in the future.
I understand the difficulty in bonding with your stepson...he's at an age when even a birth child becomes distant, almost alien.
It's very cool that he likes/liked Christian music. You could work with that, a bit, I think. If you have a Christian store near you, there are loads of things that he might find interesting...maybe you and your husband could offer to buy him a bible of his choice, or some other book that he finds interesting. At least he might read during church instead of napping.
Maybe ask him if he would like to visit a new church? It sounds like you guys are sorta committed to a church, but maybe he'll feel more bonded with a church that he chose? Or go to a service that is more youth orientated?
Is it also possible that he could be using the napping to get more attention from his dad? It sounds like he misses having his dad in his life, especially with the whole puberty thing happening. Maybe have your husband talk to him about why church is meaningful to him, and what being a Christian means to him?
At his age, it's very easy to get dragged along with things, w/o really understanding what it's all about. Perhaps his father can explain stuff for him so it is understandable. You guys may also want to consider praying together as a family before going to church...a bless the words we will hear type of thing.
I would also tend to agree that taking away an allowance isn't too beneficial in this case. I think it's a situation where you catch more flys with honey than vinegar sort of thing.
Good luck! You're doing great! Kids can be hard to deal with at times, but I think you are handling things well.
Location: Southwest Missouri, between Springfield and Branson
Posts: 8
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Let me give you a man's point of view.
I've been in Church much of my life, I'll be the first to admit I can get pretty tired sometime and have a hard time concentrating on the message. Try these ideas and see if one works.
Good night sleep. If he normally goes to bed at 10 and watches videos place a cut off time on the video watching.
God breakfast, educators for years have expressed the importance of a good breakfast to help students learn.
Give him something to do while in church, like see how many time the precher says But or God, etc. Reward him for his effords by taking him to his favorite place for lunch.
Be patient. If you set the example he will follow, He is listening to more than you think. God has a unusual way of getting our attention. When the time is right the Holy Spirt will do the work for you.
If you see him nodding have him go get a drink or wash his face. This helps me. I work wierd hours as a firefighter and no matter how much I want to listen I can't. A little boy is the same. When thier awake thier busy and going a hundred miles an hour.
Question: 12 year old stepson & church
Good luck. ...Sis 
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