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Do men really care about this?

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Old 08-04-2011, 08:16 PM   #1
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I'm a 39 year-old happily married gal (since 1997) who's deathly afraid of turning the dreaded 40 in three months (yeah, I know what it says on my signature but I'm not liking growing older, lol). So, I've gone full-throttle with my fitness and managed to whittle myself down to an American size 2 and 117 lbs. I'm probably in the best shape of my life. My question is this: do men really care about how fit a woman is particularly as she gets um, a little older? I mean I don't expect him to look like the guy I met in college almost 20 years ago. Although for the record, he still has a full head of dark brown hair, lol. I think he's more handsome than ever. Anyway...

I remember my father joking when I was a teenager that once a woman turned 40, she'd better watch out because her hubby might trade her in for a couple of twenty-year olds. In theory, I know my DH loves me but I feel so much pressure to maintain a youthful appearance and I'm worried that a younger, prettier woman would turn his head. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's how I feel. He does tell me I'm beautiful and all that.

The closer it gets to my birthday, the more anxious and overwrought I get. Is this normal to feel this way? BTW, my DH is the same age as me (he turns 40 the day after me, lol) and is now probably 30 lbs. overweight. He has no problems with his self-esteem whatsoever and our um, 'intimate life', quite frankly, has never been better.

Do men expect women to look like cover models even as we age or is that just a stupid myth?
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Old 08-04-2011, 08:21 PM   #2
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Each man is different. For example, I've got this one guy friend who is a GREAT friend but he's super picky about women and he divorced his wife because she gained quite a lot of weight. My sweetie, however, has been with me since I weighed 138 lbs and seen me at my high of 225. He acts more in love than ever right now and I'm back to 202. Probably he would like it if I continue to lose weight, but it's clearly not the driving factor. Still, many men are very visual and would prefer a fit woman over one who is not fit and I do think that in the initial courtship stage that looks are emphasized. That said, I feel that women should achieve fitness for themselves and not for someone else.
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Old 08-04-2011, 08:32 PM   #3
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Thanks, I think...lol. I don't whether to be comforted or freaked out by your comment judging from your friend's reaction. I have achieved this level of being fit for mostly me but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't doing it to appease my DH by still being desirable and attractive in his eyes. The good thing is we haven't just met, obviously two decades and a couple of kids together has to count for something.
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Old 08-04-2011, 08:39 PM   #4
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Sorry to freak you out! The good thing is that there are a lot of guys that are different than that, and you just have to seek one out that places emphasis on the same values you do. You can't really pigeon hole men, it'd be like saying all women are the same when obviously we're not.
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Old 08-04-2011, 09:10 PM   #5
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Seriously, you should talk to him about it. What other men think doesn't matter. Your relationship is all that matters.
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Old 08-05-2011, 10:48 PM   #6
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New member, and a guy here. I don't expect anyone to be a super model, but I do think that we should all be active. One of my concerns is health, I want to grow old with my wife and have an active lifestyle. We are both 43, I still want to go for bike rides and hikes in 20 or maybe even 30 years

I go in fits and spurts when it comes to exercise, right now I am on a pretty good exercise cycle. I feel so much better when I am going to the gym or biking or running or whatever. I try and stay fit for me, I figure use it or lose it.
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Old 08-05-2011, 11:20 PM   #7
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Some men probably do care. Some men probably don't care.

Some women probably care. Some women probably don't care.

Only people that matter in your marriage are you and your husband. So, ask him.
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Old 08-05-2011, 11:41 PM   #8
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Fitmom, I just want to let you know that I turned 40 back in November and it really freaked me out. In fact, it still does. I go out of my way to look as young as possible so that my husband won't be interested in other women. On the other hand, he would never leave me for another....we have a life together! He respects and loves me. Does he look at other women? Yep. Does it drive me crazy. Yep. Am I going to fight the aging with everything I've got? Yep. The only regret I have is not getting my weight under control a long time ago. I wasted a good chunk of my youth yo-yoing and now, I sort of mourn that fact. I just wanted to chime in to let you know that you're not alone in your feelings.
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:07 AM   #9
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Well, my boyfriend is model hot[no joke] and turns a lot of heads, but he doesn't look. Even at my horrendous weight, it's like he likes it.
He could easily get tiny, preppy girls, but he says that's a turn off to him.

Whatever it is that you do, he's liking it. And he's been liking it for the past 20 years. I think getting lazy or letting yourself go would be the only thing that stops him from being attracted to you. But it's obviously love, and trust your judgement.
Do you think age would stop him from loving you?
Does it stop you from loving him?
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:20 PM   #10
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Interesting question. About 30 years ago during a conversation with a male co-worker of mine about choosing the physicality of a mate, he stated that he'd prefer a cute face/not so great body over an outstanding body/ugly face, because the face is where it all happens. You stare into each other's eyes; you kiss; it draws you in initially. Conversely, we discussed that someone with a great personality and not model looks has their appearance enhanced by their personality and becomes even more attractive, while a gorgeous person with an awful personality could be perceived as less attractive. Of course, all of this is subjective. It depends on what a person is attracted to to begin with, and it continues with that person's affections. Your husband loves you, and most likely no matter what you weigh.

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Old 08-06-2011, 12:30 PM   #11
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I am FAR from being fit. My DH married me as a heavy girl and still loves me. If I lose weight, its going to be for me!
Outer beauty fades no matter how hard you try..men/women who trade in, will NEVER be truely happy because they are denying their own aging process.
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Old 08-06-2011, 04:25 PM   #12
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Hi,
Well, I'm single, so I can't speak for myself but I will suggest you ask yourself a few questions, that I asked after reading your post.

We can have great parents, and they are our teachers growing up, sometimes, they may make some random comment that sticks with us.

It sounds like that comment from your dad stuck with you, and maybe over the years, other insecurities have started to build on it?

Ask yourself, is this really a fear that your husband has? That you're getting older and he's concerned, or is it that you're the one that's concerned and kind of projecting it on him?

With the amount of time you've been married you're already a leg up on so many couples that don't make it that far . . . shows he loves being with you.

Mention it to him, he's your hubby, ask for his support, does he even know you feel this way?
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Old 08-06-2011, 11:19 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovely View Post
Some men probably do care. Some men probably don't care.

Some women probably care. Some women probably don't care.

Only people that matter in your marriage are you and your husband. So, ask him.
Exactly! It's between you and him, who cares what other men think (as in your question about men in general and their view)?

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Old 08-07-2011, 09:10 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckymommy View Post
Fitmom, I just want to let you know that I turned 40 back in November and it really freaked me out. In fact, it still does. I go out of my way to look as young as possible so that my husband won't be interested in other women. On the other hand, he would never leave me for another....we have a life together! He respects and loves me. Does he look at other women? Yep. Does it drive me crazy. Yep. Am I going to fight the aging with everything I've got? Yep. The only regret I have is not getting my weight under control a long time ago. I wasted a good chunk of my youth yo-yoing and now, I sort of mourn that fact. I just wanted to chime in to let you know that you're not alone in your feelings.

Of all the responses, I can so relate to yours. So, we're roughly a year apart then? Freak out doesn't even begin to cover it, lol. I've had some serious nightmares over it. I do the same thing as you, try to appear as youthful-looking as possible. He looks at other women and in all honesty, I've been known to look at a good-looking man or two at times. It used to drive me up a wall but at the end of the day, he falls asleep with his arms around me. But we do love and respect each other. Like I mentioned in my initial post, our um, sex life is better than ever. So which means to me that it's in my mind, it's not a real problem. We're closer than ever - in every way. I feel the same as you, that I wish I had taken my fitness seriously when I was younger. I, too, am going to fight growing old with every breath that I take. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for chiming in.
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Old 08-09-2011, 03:54 PM   #15
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I just wanted to chime in from a slightly different perspective. My husband is a wee bit older than me. He's 39 I'm 27. I've had two babies, got an office job, quit smoking and got comfy. I don't know my weight when we met but I know it is quite a bit more than it was.

My husband is now in college. This means he's around 18-21 year old girls all day long!!! I use to be insecure about it and would get upset. One day I sort of joked that I was getting too old and fat and he was going to upgrade. He was honest that while they may be pretty to look at, once they open their mouths and start yapping, he lost any attraction. I laughed and it's been smooth since then.

Basically, while men are visual, it's not the end all be all. Many men don't want to have a wife that's too young because along with that comes babies, drama, baby-drama, and a whole host of other problems that most 40 year olds just don't want to deal with. Unless the dudes rich and can afford nannies and to send his wife away on vacations for a break, odds are it won't entirely be an "upgrade".

Relax. If you're still concerned, let him know and see what he says.
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